Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Kicking causes serious injury - research finds

A study into the effects of physical violence has revealed that kicking can cause serious injury. Sharp objects, such as knives, were also found to cause serious wounds.

These surprise findings came after a year of research into the effects of various methods of assault. "It has been the hardest year of medical investigations I have been involved with," said Darren Wirlsthob, one of five members of the study group.

"Medical research is difficult, but is most difficult when you are dealing with the randomness of physical violence, often influenced by alcohol consumption, " explained Mr Wirlsthob "In fact that was one of the most difficult aspects to deal with, it seemed it was always after a few beers that the Professor wanted to test his steel-toecapped boots."

Mr Wirlsthob, speaking today from his bed in Cardiff Royal Infirmary after the end of the trial, gave an insight into the complexities of normalising the data. "We had to allow for the variance not only in alcohol consumption but how much the Professor had lost at the dogs."

The trial was brought to an end when Professor J. Scott Billingsworth failed to gain extra funding for his research into the physical effects of violence.

"That was a particularly difficult day, " whinced Darren, pointing to the cast on his left leg. "Losing our funding brought my involvement in such important research to an end. Well that and the second broken leg that I sustained shortly after the funding decision was announced."

It was revealed that the research group had held its final meeting waiting for the ambulances to arrive to take the group to hospital. Two of the team have yet to regain consciousness whilst a third refused to talk to anyone "In case that bloody mad man is with them" possibly referring to Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The Professor himself, a controversial figure in the study of the anatomy of violence, is unrepentant about his methods that have led to not only the complete hospitalisation of his second research team, but also being banned from keeping livestock and must remain more than 100 yards from any carol singers.

"What else are undergraduates for? You know everyone complains that A-Levels are too easy, well I can tell you the students find my university courses hard. The puffs." bellowed Professor Billingsworth through his cell door. "I shall carry on. I can't use livestock, no more free researchers, but i can get the results I need from the next time Millwall play Cardiff."

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