Scientists at the Kleenex Institute for Headline Grabbing Research today announced the results of their findings into mobile phone usage and the effects on male fertility.
364 men were left in isolation and allowed to use their mobile phones as normal before having their sperm count and quality tested at the end of the day. The results showed a direct link between the amount and type of mobile usage and the quality of their sperm.
Those who used their phones the least had the most active sperm with the highest counts. Indeed they were also abreast of current affairs and able to hold engaging conversations with female lab assistants.
Those who used “video text dating services” were found to have moderate sperm counts with only a small number of inactive or badly swimming sperm. They were also reasonably amiable and not at all flushed in the face or tired and their mobile phone bills were deemed to be “manageable”.
Those who used their phones heavily, over 4 hours of the day, in addition to the text services had very low sperm counts when tested, had no idea what was going on in the world and were a bit groggy. In addition the psychometric analysis revealed a progressive feeling of guilt and self loathing.
The final group had been given hands free kits. These men had to be woken at the end of their isolation and were found to have the lowest sperm counts of all - described in the report as “almost empty“. They were barely coherent and had no idea even what the time of day was. As a consequence they were unable to take the psychometric tests at all and they had no desire to talk to female lab assistants. In addition their mobile phone batteries were “exhausted” and their phone bills “astronomical”.
“What this shows, ” explained Dr Heidi Billingsworth, “is a direct correlation between men’s usage of mobile phone services and their fertility. I think this research correlates with many women’s experience of returning home to men who have retired to bed with the flu and only their mobile phone for stimulation.”
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