Friday, November 03, 2006

At last something for Teenagers to do

Parents all over Britain have welcomed a new festival aimed at teenagers. Traditionally an untapped demographic they are notoriously difficult to entertain during school holidays. Event organisers hope to be able to tap into this market with "ChavFest ‘06" in time for the next school holidays.

"We have modelled every aspect of ChavFest to be exactly what teenagers are after. Included in the price of the ticket will be transport to the ChavFest site including two train or bus tickets, one for the teenager and one for the seat opposite so that they can put their feet up." explained event co-ordinator "Bigger-T" Linsworth. "There will be specially themed areas at the festival for all the teen’s interests. There will be several war memorials and clock towers for them to congregate around in groups and we will have a few McDonald’s fa├žades too."

Bigger-T went on to elaborate – "We will have a full range of discounted clothes – all sorts of tacky, but expensive, sporting clothing or they can just spend the whole week in their pyjamas, it’s the same style." All shapes and sizes will be catered for, he said, "All the boy’s trousers will be several sizes too large, so that they can have that baggy ‘suicide risk remove belt while in prison’ mugger look they aspire to. For the girls, all the tops will be two sizes too short so they can show their stomach’s off. Especially the fat ones that have no taste or sense."

"Within the park will be characters playing roles such as adults who will be available to purchase alcopops for the kids and will pretend to buy cigarettes. The park will be completely non-smoking but we will have special perfumes available for the girls so that they can have that smell of ten Marlboro lights they so desire."

For music, no live bands will available since the organisers believe that most of the kids would think it was un-cool to be interested in any one band long enough to actually attend a whole set. "Instead there will be areas were they can all play MP3s on their mobile phones" explained Bigger-T – real name Sir Terrence Billingsworth, "Headphones will be banned and the little speakers in the phones will provide suitably bad sound quality that the teens of today seem to like."

The needs of girls especially will be catered for. "Teenage girls today are desperately trying to behave like teenage boys. They dress like them, spit and swear like them, so we will have special female only bus shelters that they can fight and urinate in."

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