Friday, November 10, 2006

Millions fund new corporate bandwagon – Charity record soon?

Today it was announced that forty million people in the UK will help support a small group of disadvantaged investors.

The government backed Family Fund would be giving taxpayer’s money to those members of the Farepak Christmas club who lost out when the company collapsed. Following the announcement several corporate retail giants fell over themselves to be seen to be helping.

Murial Billingsworth, an Under Secretary within the Department of Administrative Affairs, responded to questions from the media. “Essentially we are all too keen to give other people’s money to causes that we won’t believe anyone either cares enough about or would be offended by. Hence our taxes can now go to people who, ultimately, were after some posh Christmas puds. Who can object to such a thing? The media will love it - ‘Spirit of Christmas’ and all that.”

“We love it,” exclaimed Bill Insworth, media consultant, “currently the news is all ‘Iraq this’, ‘US mid terms that’. Now we have this heart-warming story of all of us working really hard all year to give our taxes to those who wanted to save a few quid on a turkey with some expensive stuffing. Wonderful, I reckon we will be able to fill hundreds of column inches and discussion programme hours on this.”

“It’s great for us too!” shouted marketing executive Tilly Swinsorth, 19, “we have a large supermarket client that currently has a bad reputation for the way it does business both here and overseas and for the impact it has on local communities. If they show willing with a few quid they can get a bit of good will back and every little helps.” Tilly, speaking from a champagne bar in Soho added “You know this is the kind of thing that makes Christmas such a special brand-building time of year.”

The plight of those who might not get their expensive Sherry Trifles has touched the hearts of several of the nation’s most famous popstars. Plans for a charity record in aid of those suffering in Darfur have been shelved in favour of a new single entitled ‘Help ourselves to a very merry Christmas’”.

Molly Winsbill, 83, a pensioner in Falkirk said – “I think it is marvellous the way everyone is being forced to pull together to help these people get some toys for the kiddies. I told my MP this morning – I said ‘It’s a ruddy disgrace’ and that’s swearing, I said, ‘that there will be people on Christmas day without a jumbo Christmas cracker to pull.’ He just wanted to talk about Flu jabs and cold weather payments. Nothing about the little kiddies and their games.”

Molly’s daughter Milly was a little less enthusiastic. “I feel for the mums and kids wanting a big slap up feed and a few toys, but they will all be gone and forgotten by New Years Day. I just hope the old people aren’t”.

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