Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Government plans Bus Replacement Train service

A leaked government research paper has revealed radical plans by the Department of Transportation to shake up local transport within the UK. The white paper detailed the provision of an extensive array of Bus Replacement Rail services throughout the country.

The report stated that “Her Majesty’s government has noted the increase in road traffic, especially the increase in bus services on routes between local areas of habitation. Some of these bus routes run similar paths to the extensive interconnecting narrow strips of land that are marked with parallel metal lines.

“The historic usage of these metal ‘rails’ has been hotly debated. What is known about them is that they were built by the Victorian industrialists but the purpose has been lost. Her Majesty’s Government proposes to make use of this mysterious infrastructure to provide direct services at high speed using electric powered carriages.”

The plans could see trains of carriages travelling at speeds over 100mph between local and inter city destinations.

Motoring organisations have expressed dismay at the proposed plan. Angie Billingsworth, spokeswoman for the Society of the Bus and the Motorcar, was incredulous. “The plan to use 150 year old technology and some sort of Electromography system of propulsion is ridiculous. It will never surpass our current 100 year old technology powered by dead dinosaurs. People do not want to sit in clean and spacious mass transit vehicles travelling to transport hubs, they want to sit cooped up in smaller vehicles heading directly to smaller locations. And anyway, the Bus and motor car transport in London, for example, currently travels in compact nose to tail formation at the maximum speed possible of 10mph, any faster and people would start to suffocate.”

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