Thursday, October 19, 2006

Man with flu thought he was stuck in time warp

A man today told reporters how having taken a couple of days off, because of the flu, he became stuck in a timewarp.

"It was like the movie Groundhog Day where the lead character – played by the arrogant Ghostbuster – had to relive the same day’s events over and over again." said a clearly relieved Bert Billingsworth upon returning to conventional time.

Bert told a press conference at Humberside Police headquarters how he had retired to his bed, in Beverley Road in Hull, with some Lemsip and nodded off whilst watching Home Improvement on the Freeview Digital channel ABC1.

"I remember it quite clearly, because it was the episode where Tim ‘the toolman’ Taylor was infatuated by an attractive TV reporter and I could relate to how his wife Jill felt as she also had the flu too. But, when I awoke, I found that despite having had a really good long restful sleep the same episode was just starting on the TV."

Humberside Police said that there were no reported atmospheric conditions, such as lightning or spectacular rips in the space-time continuum at that time of the morning.

Bert continued to relive his ordeal. "A bit later I had flipped over to UK TV History and there was a programme on about the Coast by that bloke who wanders around in the same clothes all the time getting lost because of old inaccurate maps. He was going on about flooding and I remember finishing a nice warm toddy as he banged on about the Thames Flood Barrier and how a load of cockneys were doomed to get wet carpets or something and I must have nodded off. A few hours later I woke up to find that the programme was only just starting again!"

Bert was confused but not overly concerned, he said, until he turned on More 4. "I had suspicions now, but wasn’t sure that I was in fact stuck in the time warp until I decided to have a look at a movie. To my horror the one on More 4 was a bad thriller about a flimsy secure facility for biological warfare. Problem was I took the piss out of it the day before! I really was just reliving the same day over and over again. Needless to say my third whisky, for medicinal purposes, calmed me down. But when I awoke I knew it should be Tuesday and yet Noel Edmonds told me it was Monday in that game with the one winning box and that drawn out process of picking all the other numbers."
His flu symptoms had now lessened and this enabled Bert to escape the confines of his bed and raise the alarm.

"I was proceeding in a westerly direction away from the coffee shop and continuing my patrol towards the chip shop when I was accosted by Mr Billingsworth," explained PC Billingsworth (no relation) of the Humberside Police. "As he collided with my scalding hot coffee it jolted him across from his temporal paradox across the parallax and back into our phase time."
Bert is now trying to piece together what happened in his missing days. "The police can’t really help me, after all there has been no crime really committed."

A spokesman for UK TV History said "Well, actually it’s pretty simple, we only have about 8 episodes for 3 different series. We just keep recycling them as fillers for ads for debt consolidation and personal injury firms, and whatever else we can flog to house bound unemployed people. But even then we don’t expect them to watch all day. I guess we would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for a normal gainfully employed person taking to their bed." A spokeperson for ABC1 denied they had any plans to show Scooby-Doo repeats endlessly.

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