The National Basketball Association today announced the results of its investigation into the fan’s rebellion after the NBA finals in June. During the summer thousands of basketball fans suddenly realised that most of the game was entirely pointless and that it was only the final quarter that really mattered to the result.
All over America there were complaints to teams, and sports radio phone ins were deluged by callers who suddenly realised what a great waste of time most of the game was. Indeed one of the biggest websites of this year has been 36outof53.com – a reference to the proportion of gameplay to elapsed time that occurs before the all important fourth quarter starts.
Kurt Billingsworth, Chief Commissionner and President of Shareholder Relations, today announced to a packed media conference – “Well, the game is up and we have been well and truly found out on this one. For decades we have managed to build this business and its franchises up on the illusion of speed, excitement and drama, but really it is a charade and it was inevitable we would get found out. To that end we have changed the rules of our version of Netball to be more transparent and honest, which I think is the corner stone of our world in these troubled times.”
“Once the game starts,” Billingsworth continued, “ the players will remain on the bench for the first 3 quarters whilst the cheerleaders have the court. During the half time interval the players will perform some of their fancy basketball trickery in the manner of the Harlem Globetrotters until the girls come out for the third quarter. At the start of the fourth quarter the scoreboard will be set to 80 points each. Really it could be any number, but we know that the American public believes high scoring is more exciting and therefore our shareholders would not support an initial score of zero as it might lead to a dull 20:22 final score rather than the truly spectacular 100:102 we have become accustomed to.”
Zach Willingborthski proprietor of the 36outof53.com website, recent dot com millionaire and darling of sports radio phone ins over the summer, commented enthusiastically about the shake up. “U S A, U S A, U S A” he said for some time.
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