Sunday, October 15, 2006

Sliced bread likely to be relegated to “handy”

In a press announcement today, the Institute of Arbitrary Comparisons declared it will soon be commencing its end of year assessment of the Standard International Comparative Table.

Sources within the Institute have hinted that the table will have a radical expansion from its current arrangement of sliced bread at the top and everything else ever invented in joint second place. A senior official, who did not want to be named – but was probably called Billingsworth – revealed that the more conservative members of the seventy-eight year old institute are likely to fight strongly as since its inception the comparative standard has always been "best thing since sliced bread".

"The thing is," Professor Maureen Billingsworth confided, "it has always been a pretty easy arrangement. Since 1928 the Institute has been based on the Rohwedder Rating. This re-appraisal will mean extra work and, well no one likes that as much as they liked having to use a bread knife back in those dark ages of the early 20s."

Comparison watchers have long been expecting this development and believe it is well overdue. "This is the best news since the announcement of a bread cutting machine that also wrapped the loaf," said Bill Worthings of the Society for Comparative Studies, "for too long now we have had this frankly decadent standard. I mean exactly how useful really is sliced bread in the great scheme of things? Now we have the opportunity to get a proper scale in place rather than manufacturing tortured references to being second place to baked dough divided uniformly across the longitudinal axis."

Bort Wingshill, Director of the Campaign for the Primacy of the Wheel, was said to be overjoyed at the announcement on his Meso-American awareness tour – "A wheely good thing".

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