Wednesday, November 01, 2006

IRA accepts “it cannot compete”

IRA sources today acknowledged that they can no longer compete on the international stage with the better funded players of Association Terror.

A masked spokesman today outlined the IRA’s situation. “Whilst a lot of money has come into terror in the last few years, the funding for our condemnable acts is drying up. Really we have been outflanked by other groups.”

A recent report into the state of murder within the world highlighted that the IRA, once a feared group with not only an international reputation for outrage and atrocity but also an extensive network of fanatical followers in several countries, has now been relegated to minor gangland status.
“We were really outflanked by Al Qaeda, to be sure, their performances have been right at the top level but their chosen targets have made some our of fanatics, especially in America, re-evaluate support for funding brutality. Our traditional base of funding has dried up and, as we haven’t been in Europe for some time, we have lost links with some other groups. We used to have a good transfer relationship with Libya, but that stopped when they reverted to amateur status.”

The report also stated that the IRA, and its junior cells Real IRA and Provisional IRA, would have to qualify for next year’s major international threats on terror – they would not gain the automatic recognition that their craven actions aspire to.

“Ah, I think we overstretched ourselves in the eighties. We had a couple of deplorable crimes against human decency – who can forget the murder we caused in Germany for example? We thought we could keep that up, but our fans don’t turn out for even local gangland murder and torture that we have normally performed – the traditional fans have even condemned us back at home for some recent murders.”
The masked gunman continued “You see, we rely on publicity for our heinous acts otherwise they are futile acts of bloodshed. We need to get on TV to pass responsibility for our own actions onto the victims, otherwise it is just brutal murder of innocent people in the name of some long forgotten feud. To be honest with so much scrutiny in the modern game anyway, it is getting more and more difficult to justify the unjustifiable.”

Analysts say that the status of the IRA is not just about funding. The Irish murderers have now been relegated below even small groups of fundamentalist insurgents in Iraq who achieve much more death, mutilation and suffering on even more limited resources.

When questioned about the activities of such middle eastern groups the hooded religious zealot responded “Well, I guess it is down to commitment, an Irish terrorist will not risk himself, he isn’t that keen on the struggle, but an Islamic fundamentalist, well he really, truly is going to give 100%”.

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