The Football Association of Ireland has announced that an away draw is better than a win and asked FIFA for a place in the World Cup finals because, in Ireland at least, 33 teams can fit into 32 places.
“Ireland is the victim here – always. Now what were you going to ask me?” said Patrick O'Billingsworth of the FAI. “Oh yes the Henry hand-ball. Yes victims. And anyway, won't the colour of South Africa 2010 be enriched by a load of drunken people in green shirts who have never actually been to Ireland? No, probably not.”
The FAI said that the controversial plan will enable Ireland, and many people who occasionally have the odd pint of Guinness, to really support their side for three games before they fail to progress through their group and revert to their normal approach of buying the shirt of any nation that is playing against England.
The idea of a free place in the World Cup has inspired other associations around the world to follow the official Irish policy of 'taking the fucking piss' with the FA asking FIFA to give England a place in the semi-finals in Mexico '86.
“That's nice, apparently I was part of the England side that was absolutely knocked out of a World Cup about then by that Mr Maradona's 'Hand of God' when we were winning nil-nil, ” said Peter Shilton, now aged 94. “It really wasn't that superb solo effort a few minutes later when he shat all over our defence.”
The FA has further asked that since the rules of football seem to be just being made up on the spot that the current England side should play the Belgian side of 1986 and in Berwick on any night when the temperature is below freezing and the ground is made of artificial-hip-breaking permafrost.
“I think it's a great idea, you fucking tosser,” said Wayne Rooney stamping on a reporter's face. “I fancy going in two-footed on those Belgians, their centre-back is 103 isn't he? You twat.”
Other national associations are following suit, the Italian Football Federation are asking for a replay of the 1994 World Cup Final after they discovered that winners Brazil may also have flouted other rules not spotted by the referee on the day.
“The Brazilian side that day cheated,” said a spokesman for the FIGC. “They clearly broke the 'field a tosser called Baggio rule' which we fully complied with. For 16 fucking years.”
NEWSFLASH :
FIFA has shocked the footballing world by allowing Ireland to have a 33rd place in the 2010 World Cup draw, before subsequently banning them from the tournament for cheating - over the complete non-penalty they were given in their qualifying match against Georgia.
Thierry Henry made the Irish cheat back in February :-
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The Irrational Want Laws Preventing Rude Comments On Their Peaceful Mumbo-Jumbo Or They’ll Burn Your Cat
Followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster today petitioned the United Nations in the hope of getting their irrational fantasies protected from people who may say something rude about them, such as it is all a load of made-up nonsense.
“Someone a few years ago printed very unfavourable images of the great Flying Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty, it was greatly offensive to His followers at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” said Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “His sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, is only to be represented as purple.”
The green colouring in the images, described at the time by the editor of “What Deity?” as “a printing error”, led to six days of rioting on three continents. Many Italian restaurants had to placate the mobs carrying huge pasta forks by promising to never use pesto in combination with pork on the third Thursday of the month unless it is the 5th serving.
“That was a terrible situation, and it was only thanks to the clarity of scripture and the love of the Great-Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty,” said Pastafarian Billiingsworth. “That and using large amounts of petrol and upturned busses. As endorsed by the second conclave of the Great Menu, may its service never be included.”
The followers of the Spaghetti Monster wish to have a UN declaration on “Saying anything uncomplimentary about things that can never be proven” and thus, by ratification of member states, a world-wide law making blasphemy, and the use of ketchup, illegal.
“There has been great theological debate over the years and it really is quite clear on this important point,” said Billingsworth on a pilgrimage to the holy site of the Spaghetti Trees in Italy. “His Sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, may only be represented in one of 134 shades of purple. The precise shade is still to be determined by leading Pastafarians. Anyone who says otherwise can only expect to be skewered and spun repeatedly before being sucked until dead, as per scripture, and we require this to be written in all nation’s laws or we start hurling the paving slabs again.”
However there are many in the rational world who believe that the credulous should not have any control over opinion, intellectual debate, or the representation of non-corporeal entities that are easily confused with fiction created to keep children in check.
“If they didn't like the genuine mistake of printing that spaghetti thing in green, they really aren't going to like the next issue,” said the editor of 'What Deity?'. “The centrefold is the spaghetti monster taking the figure of Justice up the wrong ’un whilst itself being fisted by the goddess of Enlightenment. And this time it’s in blue.”
“Someone a few years ago printed very unfavourable images of the great Flying Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty, it was greatly offensive to His followers at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” said Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “His sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, is only to be represented as purple.”
The green colouring in the images, described at the time by the editor of “What Deity?” as “a printing error”, led to six days of rioting on three continents. Many Italian restaurants had to placate the mobs carrying huge pasta forks by promising to never use pesto in combination with pork on the third Thursday of the month unless it is the 5th serving.
“That was a terrible situation, and it was only thanks to the clarity of scripture and the love of the Great-Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty,” said Pastafarian Billiingsworth. “That and using large amounts of petrol and upturned busses. As endorsed by the second conclave of the Great Menu, may its service never be included.”
The followers of the Spaghetti Monster wish to have a UN declaration on “Saying anything uncomplimentary about things that can never be proven” and thus, by ratification of member states, a world-wide law making blasphemy, and the use of ketchup, illegal.
“There has been great theological debate over the years and it really is quite clear on this important point,” said Billingsworth on a pilgrimage to the holy site of the Spaghetti Trees in Italy. “His Sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, may only be represented in one of 134 shades of purple. The precise shade is still to be determined by leading Pastafarians. Anyone who says otherwise can only expect to be skewered and spun repeatedly before being sucked until dead, as per scripture, and we require this to be written in all nation’s laws or we start hurling the paving slabs again.”However there are many in the rational world who believe that the credulous should not have any control over opinion, intellectual debate, or the representation of non-corporeal entities that are easily confused with fiction created to keep children in check.
“If they didn't like the genuine mistake of printing that spaghetti thing in green, they really aren't going to like the next issue,” said the editor of 'What Deity?'. “The centrefold is the spaghetti monster taking the figure of Justice up the wrong ’un whilst itself being fisted by the goddess of Enlightenment. And this time it’s in blue.”
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Sun celebrates 800 years of world leading news
The Sun newspaper, famous throughout the known world for its journalistic integrity with hard-hitting daily news ensuring that the people of Britain are kept up to date with any change in the state of the breasts of 22 year old stunners, is today celebrating what feels like centuries of peddling shit. Everyday this week the Sun will re-print key editions wot it has printed.
Monday – from 15/06/1215 “SOVEREIGN GIVES HIS SOVEREIGNTY AWAY AND YOU DON'T GET A SAY”
Today King John threw away our God-given right to his divine rule by signing the Runnymede treaty without a referendum! This so-called “Magna Carta” will now allow non-blue blooded mere commoners from other counties be able to influence the right of your king to subjugate you! They call it “Baron rights” we call it “Awful Albion”.
Tuesday – from 31/01/1606 “PHEW, WHAT A TORTURE!”
'Elf and Safety do-gooders today executed Guy “Guido” Fawkes for his part in an attempt to arrange a free fireworks display in Westminster on 5th November last year. “The little kiddies from the Catholic School would so loved to have seen the mighty bonfire at the Palace of Westminster” said one disappointed local resident. Disappointed tots were in tears as they returned to work as prostitutes and pick-pockets that evening. It's political correctness gone mad!
Wednesday – from 1/11/1642 “IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT”
Three cheers for your Super-Soaraway Sun wot won the battle at Ayelsbury ensuring Parliament's supremacy over the law of the land. Our stirring editorial. re-iterating our support for the rights enshrined in the Magna Carta, helped our boys on the pikes skewer the Royalists’ men. Want another ROUND? on your HEADs be it!
Thursday – from 26/07/1643 “PARLIAMENT'S LOST IT”
As the dust settles on the Battle of Bristol we announce that The Sun is behind the toffs who can take Britain into the 18th century and rescue Awful Albion from the clutches of the tyrant Cromwell. The King's wife looked gorgeous at last night's premier of a new staging of the stratford Bard's masterpiece ‘Much ado about nothing’ but what a frocking display from Mrs Cromwell who is clearly no sun bunny as she fled from our heroic troops. No time to top up the puriTAN dear?
Friday – from 21/10/1805 “GOTCHA!”
Nelson defeats the French at Trafalgar, capturing their flagship the ‘Bucentaure’ but suffers a fatal wound from a sniper due to a lack of helicopter support. Put pen to parchment and sign The Sun’s petition to ensure that penny-pinching bureaucrats provide our historically significant admirals with the futuristic equipment we dream they should have.
Monday – from 15/06/1215 “SOVEREIGN GIVES HIS SOVEREIGNTY AWAY AND YOU DON'T GET A SAY”
Today King John threw away our God-given right to his divine rule by signing the Runnymede treaty without a referendum! This so-called “Magna Carta” will now allow non-blue blooded mere commoners from other counties be able to influence the right of your king to subjugate you! They call it “Baron rights” we call it “Awful Albion”.
Tuesday – from 31/01/1606 “PHEW, WHAT A TORTURE!”
'Elf and Safety do-gooders today executed Guy “Guido” Fawkes for his part in an attempt to arrange a free fireworks display in Westminster on 5th November last year. “The little kiddies from the Catholic School would so loved to have seen the mighty bonfire at the Palace of Westminster” said one disappointed local resident. Disappointed tots were in tears as they returned to work as prostitutes and pick-pockets that evening. It's political correctness gone mad!
Wednesday – from 1/11/1642 “IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT”Three cheers for your Super-Soaraway Sun wot won the battle at Ayelsbury ensuring Parliament's supremacy over the law of the land. Our stirring editorial. re-iterating our support for the rights enshrined in the Magna Carta, helped our boys on the pikes skewer the Royalists’ men. Want another ROUND? on your HEADs be it!
Thursday – from 26/07/1643 “PARLIAMENT'S LOST IT”
As the dust settles on the Battle of Bristol we announce that The Sun is behind the toffs who can take Britain into the 18th century and rescue Awful Albion from the clutches of the tyrant Cromwell. The King's wife looked gorgeous at last night's premier of a new staging of the stratford Bard's masterpiece ‘Much ado about nothing’ but what a frocking display from Mrs Cromwell who is clearly no sun bunny as she fled from our heroic troops. No time to top up the puriTAN dear?
Friday – from 21/10/1805 “GOTCHA!”
Nelson defeats the French at Trafalgar, capturing their flagship the ‘Bucentaure’ but suffers a fatal wound from a sniper due to a lack of helicopter support. Put pen to parchment and sign The Sun’s petition to ensure that penny-pinching bureaucrats provide our historically significant admirals with the futuristic equipment we dream they should have.
Friday, November 13, 2009
“Jordan of the Jungle” receives £350k for a week less “work” than the other celebrities – Britain offers more
Britain is reeling from the revelation that ITV has paid Jordan £350k for her stint in “I'm a celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and will actually be in the jungle a week less than the other contestants.
“I am utterly disgusted,” said John Billingsworth. “That is why I started the JFO fund. If we can raise £35m maybe she can be kept out of the country for a year.”
ITV has previously said that it was sending Jordan to Australia not as some sort of vulgar and populist attempt at grabbing ratings but as part of its public service broadcasting remit.
“By taking someone of Jordan's intellect from the UK to Australia we immediately raise the average IQ of Great Britain,” said a spokesman. “In fact we also raise that of Australia too.”
The Australian government, after having the plan explained to them several times, is now offering to raise £1m to pay Jordan not to come to their country at all.
“Australia has worked hard over the last decade to remove the stereotype of ignorance, arrogance and day-glo skin that has so stigmatised our nation,” said Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. “Jordan's presence, if only for a fortnight, could set the national statistics back years.”
The model whose long and difficult to spell real name is Katie Price, is unable to join the other contestants for the first week of eating worms due to work commitments in the United States as the face of Orange Plasticine.
After being notified of her presence, the Los Angeles Department of Public Health was today arranging for an emergency airlift to remove Ms Price, a known Bitch Flu carrier, from the US after a reported outbreak of the virus in a TV studio.
“I was in her presence for only six minutes during the interview, six minutes, and I came down with bitch flu, it just came over me like a wave of orange nausea,” said chat show host Chelsea Handler explaining why she had hastily ended her interview of Jordan with : “I’m not going to ask you anything anymore. It’s your business what you want to do. You can go live with your horses and your kids and get botox – I don’t give a shit!”
“I am utterly disgusted,” said John Billingsworth. “That is why I started the JFO fund. If we can raise £35m maybe she can be kept out of the country for a year.”
ITV has previously said that it was sending Jordan to Australia not as some sort of vulgar and populist attempt at grabbing ratings but as part of its public service broadcasting remit.
“By taking someone of Jordan's intellect from the UK to Australia we immediately raise the average IQ of Great Britain,” said a spokesman. “In fact we also raise that of Australia too.”
The Australian government, after having the plan explained to them several times, is now offering to raise £1m to pay Jordan not to come to their country at all.
“Australia has worked hard over the last decade to remove the stereotype of ignorance, arrogance and day-glo skin that has so stigmatised our nation,” said Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. “Jordan's presence, if only for a fortnight, could set the national statistics back years.”
The model whose long and difficult to spell real name is Katie Price, is unable to join the other contestants for the first week of eating worms due to work commitments in the United States as the face of Orange Plasticine.After being notified of her presence, the Los Angeles Department of Public Health was today arranging for an emergency airlift to remove Ms Price, a known Bitch Flu carrier, from the US after a reported outbreak of the virus in a TV studio.
“I was in her presence for only six minutes during the interview, six minutes, and I came down with bitch flu, it just came over me like a wave of orange nausea,” said chat show host Chelsea Handler explaining why she had hastily ended her interview of Jordan with : “I’m not going to ask you anything anymore. It’s your business what you want to do. You can go live with your horses and your kids and get botox – I don’t give a shit!”
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Women MPs plead “Can a man do our jobs for us, pweeeaaase?”
Several female MPs have written to beg someone to do the difficult task of framing laws, and attending debates on transport and crime prevention since they are disinterested in the role if they can't have a second home to fill with cushions for doing it.
“The expenses reforms will be mean that women MPs might have to get trains home, possibly as late as 11pm, like so-called 'normal' people. Some of whom may also be on the train!” explained Murial Billingsworth, MP for the London borough of Kilford on Sea. “Unlike other women we might get mugged or raped! Someone should do something to improve society so that any woman is safe. Until someone makes society better can we just have our nice houses please? And curtains.”
The MPs are complaining that unlike other women working and travelling late in London they are especially susceptible and that other forms of transport are unavailable to them.
“£63k per year isn’t enough to include phoning for a taxi home. That is numbers, which is maths and boy’s stuff you meanie,” giggled Billingsworth. “Also my bag is vewy heavy and full of vewy hard white papers, could someone big and strong carry it for little me?”
Behind closed doors the group of half a dozen female MPs has complained for some time that the late night sittings of parliament are not conducive to encouraging women to enter politics and that the removal of second homes for those living near London is the final straw.
“I am sure some of the debates are very important, but are they relevant? Women's issues, crime, transport and stuff all very worthy I imagine, but they all go on so late in the evening,” complained Billingsworth from the House of Commons hairdressers. “Sometimes I miss both Coronation Street AND Strictly!”
The female MPs said that they were forced to write complaining about the problems of women using public transport, and that their hair goes frizzy in the rain, since previous attempts at compromise had been ignored.
“We wrote asking to be excused double PE [the Parliamentary Expenditure debate],” explained Billingsworth. “But apparently ‘women’s problems’ isn’t a valid reason.”
However the complaints of the MPs, that they are especially at risk of sexual assault travelling at night to unstaffed rail stations, was dismissed by a male member of parliament.
“I am not sure the sex beasts of London are waiting for these ladies with baited breath.” he said. “I wouldn't touch them with yours.”
“The expenses reforms will be mean that women MPs might have to get trains home, possibly as late as 11pm, like so-called 'normal' people. Some of whom may also be on the train!” explained Murial Billingsworth, MP for the London borough of Kilford on Sea. “Unlike other women we might get mugged or raped! Someone should do something to improve society so that any woman is safe. Until someone makes society better can we just have our nice houses please? And curtains.”
The MPs are complaining that unlike other women working and travelling late in London they are especially susceptible and that other forms of transport are unavailable to them.
“£63k per year isn’t enough to include phoning for a taxi home. That is numbers, which is maths and boy’s stuff you meanie,” giggled Billingsworth. “Also my bag is vewy heavy and full of vewy hard white papers, could someone big and strong carry it for little me?”Behind closed doors the group of half a dozen female MPs has complained for some time that the late night sittings of parliament are not conducive to encouraging women to enter politics and that the removal of second homes for those living near London is the final straw.
“I am sure some of the debates are very important, but are they relevant? Women's issues, crime, transport and stuff all very worthy I imagine, but they all go on so late in the evening,” complained Billingsworth from the House of Commons hairdressers. “Sometimes I miss both Coronation Street AND Strictly!”
The female MPs said that they were forced to write complaining about the problems of women using public transport, and that their hair goes frizzy in the rain, since previous attempts at compromise had been ignored.
“We wrote asking to be excused double PE [the Parliamentary Expenditure debate],” explained Billingsworth. “But apparently ‘women’s problems’ isn’t a valid reason.”
However the complaints of the MPs, that they are especially at risk of sexual assault travelling at night to unstaffed rail stations, was dismissed by a male member of parliament.
“I am not sure the sex beasts of London are waiting for these ladies with baited breath.” he said. “I wouldn't touch them with yours.”
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Daily Express lambastes Diana comic competitor for showing facts
The world's greatest comic, the Daily Express, today launched a scathing attack on a competitor for what it describes as a “flagrant publishing of facts” about Diana, Princess of Wales in a newly released comic book.
“The story of Diana is no place for facts and accuracy,” complained an editorial in the Express today. “This newly published comic about the life of Saint Diana of Wales tarnishes our carefully crafted memory of this otherworldly and saintly goddess, even though she was being ridden by an immigrant.”
The comic “Female Force : Princess Diana” documents her life based on events that have actually happened and been recorded by reputable news sources. This has provoked the ire of the Daily Express and caused the care workers at the Diana Circle for the delusional to be forced to use up their stocks of Ketamine to regain order before nap-time.
“This comic illustrates Diana's final days, with lurid so called ‘facts’ such as being on a yacht with Dodi and having had a state funeral broadcast around the globe,” ranted the Express. “The drawings bear no relation to the long lens paparazzi shots that we published before and after we said we wouldn't. At no point does it mention our stories about how she was knocked-up – even if it was by a foreigner.”
The paper further condemned references to the deaths of both Diana and Dodi Fayed in a car crash in 1997, something that the Express believes is an unjustifiable insult to their magical and almost unbelievable story of a fairy princess.
“Where are the true stories of how she cured AIDS with a hug or cleared away all the lost land-mines with just a smile? Where is her role as an icon for family values?” boomed the Express in its heavy hitting article next to the listing for its proprietors porn channel. “This so-called comic can't match our standards of truth. It makes no mention of the lizard people preventing Diana from unlocking the secret of the Holy Grail by attempting to kill her.”
The newspaper said that above all else the ending of the comic, referencing the funeral showed a complete lack of journalistic integrity on the part of the comic's Canadian publishers.
“You can't expect Johnny foreigner to understand our history the way we do,” said the article. “We have reported about Saint Diana of Fayed every day over the last decade and we know that she is alive and well.”
“The story of Diana is no place for facts and accuracy,” complained an editorial in the Express today. “This newly published comic about the life of Saint Diana of Wales tarnishes our carefully crafted memory of this otherworldly and saintly goddess, even though she was being ridden by an immigrant.”
The comic “Female Force : Princess Diana” documents her life based on events that have actually happened and been recorded by reputable news sources. This has provoked the ire of the Daily Express and caused the care workers at the Diana Circle for the delusional to be forced to use up their stocks of Ketamine to regain order before nap-time.
“This comic illustrates Diana's final days, with lurid so called ‘facts’ such as being on a yacht with Dodi and having had a state funeral broadcast around the globe,” ranted the Express. “The drawings bear no relation to the long lens paparazzi shots that we published before and after we said we wouldn't. At no point does it mention our stories about how she was knocked-up – even if it was by a foreigner.”The paper further condemned references to the deaths of both Diana and Dodi Fayed in a car crash in 1997, something that the Express believes is an unjustifiable insult to their magical and almost unbelievable story of a fairy princess.
“Where are the true stories of how she cured AIDS with a hug or cleared away all the lost land-mines with just a smile? Where is her role as an icon for family values?” boomed the Express in its heavy hitting article next to the listing for its proprietors porn channel. “This so-called comic can't match our standards of truth. It makes no mention of the lizard people preventing Diana from unlocking the secret of the Holy Grail by attempting to kill her.”
The newspaper said that above all else the ending of the comic, referencing the funeral showed a complete lack of journalistic integrity on the part of the comic's Canadian publishers.
“You can't expect Johnny foreigner to understand our history the way we do,” said the article. “We have reported about Saint Diana of Fayed every day over the last decade and we know that she is alive and well.”
Monday, November 09, 2009
Handwriting analysis reveals Gordon Brown to be 21st century's most evil man
The nation's leading newspapers, and The Sun, today revealed the results of a wide-ranging survey of one sample of handwriting. The graphology survey, the first of its kind to be published by those pretending to be journalists revealed that not only does the Prime Minister have bad hand-writing but that he is possibly the most evil man in history.
“It is clear from the way that he wrote his 'i's, over 20 times, that he is an evil monster, worse than Hitler, Stalin or Simon Cowell,” said newspaper editor Rebekah Billingsworth, 13. “Not once did he put a little heart on the top to show his love. The man is clearly a bastard.”
The letter was sent to a grieving mother of a heroic soldier killed serving his country in Afghanistan. The Sun emphasised that the letter is further evidence that Gordon Brown should be burned at the stake.
“This letter looks like it has been written by a man for God's sake!” said Billingsworth. “How impersonal is that! From a Prime Minister! It’s almost indecipherable, almost like it is written in German. See how evil this monster is?”
The family of the deceased were dismayed at the handwriting and the difficulty they had reading it, suggesting that for subject matter so sensitive perhaps a typed letter would have been more appropriate. These sentiments were echoed, repeatedly, by The Sun.
“Can you believe that he would even think of sending a typed letter?” cried Billingsworth. “If you can imagine that, imagine him typing it in Comic Sans too. The evil, vicious bastard.”
Number 10 denied that they had ever contemplated sending a typed letter and that the hand-written nature of showed just how important writing to the family of those who have fallen for their country is to the Prime Minister.
Gordon Brown has since apologised for any distress caused to The Sun newspaper.
UPDATE : The Sun continues its crusade on mis-spelling of our war heroes names by lashing out violently at any and all other occrances whether they be handwritten, print, or as shown here on the web ...
“It is clear from the way that he wrote his 'i's, over 20 times, that he is an evil monster, worse than Hitler, Stalin or Simon Cowell,” said newspaper editor Rebekah Billingsworth, 13. “Not once did he put a little heart on the top to show his love. The man is clearly a bastard.”
The letter was sent to a grieving mother of a heroic soldier killed serving his country in Afghanistan. The Sun emphasised that the letter is further evidence that Gordon Brown should be burned at the stake.“This letter looks like it has been written by a man for God's sake!” said Billingsworth. “How impersonal is that! From a Prime Minister! It’s almost indecipherable, almost like it is written in German. See how evil this monster is?”
The family of the deceased were dismayed at the handwriting and the difficulty they had reading it, suggesting that for subject matter so sensitive perhaps a typed letter would have been more appropriate. These sentiments were echoed, repeatedly, by The Sun.
“Can you believe that he would even think of sending a typed letter?” cried Billingsworth. “If you can imagine that, imagine him typing it in Comic Sans too. The evil, vicious bastard.”
Number 10 denied that they had ever contemplated sending a typed letter and that the hand-written nature of showed just how important writing to the family of those who have fallen for their country is to the Prime Minister.
Gordon Brown has since apologised for any distress caused to The Sun newspaper.
UPDATE : The Sun continues its crusade on mis-spelling of our war heroes names by lashing out violently at any and all other occrances whether they be handwritten, print, or as shown here on the web ...
Friday, November 06, 2009
David Cameron pledges to make future pledges
Following news that the Lisbon Treaty will now be ratified by all member states, David Cameron pledged his future to making further pledges but said that the days of a cast-iron pledge may now be unsustainable.
“Two years ago, when there was little hope I would be in power, I made the people of Great Britain a cast-iron promise to hold a referendum on the EU Treaty,” explained Mr Cameron. “Soon I will be in position to take full accountability for that pledge, which is exactly why I won't. Instead I pledge to make future pledges.”
Mr Cameron said that the Tory leadership would lead the way in promising things and then not following through with them. Pointing at New Labour, and Gordon Brown in particular, Mr Cameron said he would improve the government’s record on pledges.
“In 2005 Labour promised the same referendum, they too failed deliver,” said the Tory leader. “The Tories promise to take that pitiful single attempt and will pledge more letters of decisive action until we are elected, followed by hard and fast promises once in power. This will really demonstrate the ability of a Conservative government at pledge making.”
Mr Cameron gave a further copper-bottomed guarantee that his policy would also include, “concrete pledges” , “hard-and-fast promises”, and “indications of the direction towards which future intent might gravitate”, having already begun with his promise to "work a day in his life".
The Conservative leadership is keen to stress that it is completely united in its desire to gain power and avoid any unseemly debate over closer European integration which following through on an actual promise may well entail.
“European treaties have always been divisive within the Conservative Party,” acknowledged Mr Cameron. “The debate always involves inevitable compromise between a desire for a sovereign autonomy within a wider trade facilitating framework and me having the chief whip threaten the euro-sceptics with being fisted with a broken bottle.”
However Mr Cameron re-iterated that the traditional conservative cast-iron promise industry was now unsuitable for a modern, globalised political environment.
“It is time for the future, and I pledge more investment in copper-bottom guarantees within a wider concrete-pledge framework,” said Cameron without even a smirk. “Britain has to face up to a very difficult future,” he added. “One with a Conservative government.”
“Two years ago, when there was little hope I would be in power, I made the people of Great Britain a cast-iron promise to hold a referendum on the EU Treaty,” explained Mr Cameron. “Soon I will be in position to take full accountability for that pledge, which is exactly why I won't. Instead I pledge to make future pledges.”
Mr Cameron said that the Tory leadership would lead the way in promising things and then not following through with them. Pointing at New Labour, and Gordon Brown in particular, Mr Cameron said he would improve the government’s record on pledges.“In 2005 Labour promised the same referendum, they too failed deliver,” said the Tory leader. “The Tories promise to take that pitiful single attempt and will pledge more letters of decisive action until we are elected, followed by hard and fast promises once in power. This will really demonstrate the ability of a Conservative government at pledge making.”
Mr Cameron gave a further copper-bottomed guarantee that his policy would also include, “concrete pledges” , “hard-and-fast promises”, and “indications of the direction towards which future intent might gravitate”, having already begun with his promise to "work a day in his life".
The Conservative leadership is keen to stress that it is completely united in its desire to gain power and avoid any unseemly debate over closer European integration which following through on an actual promise may well entail.
“European treaties have always been divisive within the Conservative Party,” acknowledged Mr Cameron. “The debate always involves inevitable compromise between a desire for a sovereign autonomy within a wider trade facilitating framework and me having the chief whip threaten the euro-sceptics with being fisted with a broken bottle.”
However Mr Cameron re-iterated that the traditional conservative cast-iron promise industry was now unsuitable for a modern, globalised political environment.
“It is time for the future, and I pledge more investment in copper-bottom guarantees within a wider concrete-pledge framework,” said Cameron without even a smirk. “Britain has to face up to a very difficult future,” he added. “One with a Conservative government.”
Sunday, October 25, 2009
General Gordon : “British economy will be back by Christmas”
General Gordon Brown today rallied the troops of the British economy with a stirring battle cry certain to revitalise morale after the unexpected news that the British Expenditory Force had not seen a recovery in the nation’s fortune.
“It is clear that, possibly, we can see that there may be indications of a shadow of a partial recovery by the end of this year,” thundered Gordon in one of history’s greatest leadership speeches. “Certainly early next year, if not perhaps shortly thereafter.”
General Gordon was responding to recent news of the reversals in performance of our chief economic allies, France and Germany, who have seen their prospects improve by securing victories in the battle against malevolent recessionary forces.
“Under my leadership I have put in place a structure to support anyone in Britain wishing to amass a small fortune,” said General Gordon. “They simply start with a large one.”
General Gordon said that it was vital that everyone understood that they had their role to play in the latest push forward to secure success on the international business battlefield.
“It would be suicidal to put recovery of my poll numbers at risk by suddenly cutting off the logistical flow of your cash when what we need is another big push,” said General Gordon. “I am solemnly prepared to sacrifice just a few more millions of your jobs, or billions of your pounds to send us over the top.”
The General also took time to respond to allegations that a further set-back might lead to a spiral of failure and reduction in morale that it would be impossible to recover from.
“There is now no danger of suffering a second Great Depression,” said General Gordon. “The yellow pills really are quite marvellous.”
The General, through another commanding oratory, reminded us that last year he had succeeded in saving the world and re-iterated that all that was needed to secure Britain’s future was one more valiant charge.
“As I stand here on, or very nearly close to, the edge of a decisive change in fortune, with the people of Great Britain standing determinedly behind me,” he implored in his trademark crescendo of rapture. “All I need is one more push and it will all be over by Christmas.”
“It is clear that, possibly, we can see that there may be indications of a shadow of a partial recovery by the end of this year,” thundered Gordon in one of history’s greatest leadership speeches. “Certainly early next year, if not perhaps shortly thereafter.”
General Gordon was responding to recent news of the reversals in performance of our chief economic allies, France and Germany, who have seen their prospects improve by securing victories in the battle against malevolent recessionary forces.“Under my leadership I have put in place a structure to support anyone in Britain wishing to amass a small fortune,” said General Gordon. “They simply start with a large one.”
General Gordon said that it was vital that everyone understood that they had their role to play in the latest push forward to secure success on the international business battlefield.
“It would be suicidal to put recovery of my poll numbers at risk by suddenly cutting off the logistical flow of your cash when what we need is another big push,” said General Gordon. “I am solemnly prepared to sacrifice just a few more millions of your jobs, or billions of your pounds to send us over the top.”
The General also took time to respond to allegations that a further set-back might lead to a spiral of failure and reduction in morale that it would be impossible to recover from.
“There is now no danger of suffering a second Great Depression,” said General Gordon. “The yellow pills really are quite marvellous.”
The General, through another commanding oratory, reminded us that last year he had succeeded in saving the world and re-iterated that all that was needed to secure Britain’s future was one more valiant charge.
“As I stand here on, or very nearly close to, the edge of a decisive change in fortune, with the people of Great Britain standing determinedly behind me,” he implored in his trademark crescendo of rapture. “All I need is one more push and it will all be over by Christmas.”
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Study reveals average mental age of internet user is 12 years old
Studies have confirmed what many have suspected for some time, that everyone else is arrogant, rude, unprincipled and self absorbed.
“We have been studying society for some time now, especially with the growth in the internet and social media,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Jeremy Kyle University. “Countless studies and thousands of individual researchers have concluded that everyone else is an unspeakable shit.”
Researchers claim that the explosion of internet forums and networking sites unrelated to normal circles of friends and work colleagues has provided an unparalleled ability for other people to abuse each other and strut like pre-pubescent children.
“You can see the behaviour all around us but somehow we let it go,” said Billingsworth from his cell. “You only have to look at the way people drive huge 4x4s so that they don't have to consider other road users, or how using a mobile phone or an iPod makes you exempt from having to look where the fuck you are walking. For some reason other people's seats are good enough for you to put your feet up on.”
However the study found that the Internet was a very fat and ugly mirror into the natural behaviour of everyone else, with comments on blogs and internet forums revealing the mental age of the average internet user to be 12. If you are lucky you retard.
“In the past, people were just as arrogant, but having their identity known meant that only a few of us had the sophistication and wit to properly insult all the time-wasters,” screamed Professor Billingsworth through the access hatch. “We would engage in letters and articles entrapping journalists with their stupid gay voice recorders who can't even work their out of date mobile phones. God you are so lame.”
The study, distributed via the Kyle University's website was supported with a live Q&A text chat session to discuss it's findings in greater detail.
“FFS OBVIOUSLY !!!1!!1!one” an unnamed co-author of the report responded to a question. “You journalists are just uber-noobs fucktards. Probably gay too.”
“We have been studying society for some time now, especially with the growth in the internet and social media,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Jeremy Kyle University. “Countless studies and thousands of individual researchers have concluded that everyone else is an unspeakable shit.”
Researchers claim that the explosion of internet forums and networking sites unrelated to normal circles of friends and work colleagues has provided an unparalleled ability for other people to abuse each other and strut like pre-pubescent children.
“You can see the behaviour all around us but somehow we let it go,” said Billingsworth from his cell. “You only have to look at the way people drive huge 4x4s so that they don't have to consider other road users, or how using a mobile phone or an iPod makes you exempt from having to look where the fuck you are walking. For some reason other people's seats are good enough for you to put your feet up on.”However the study found that the Internet was a very fat and ugly mirror into the natural behaviour of everyone else, with comments on blogs and internet forums revealing the mental age of the average internet user to be 12. If you are lucky you retard.
“In the past, people were just as arrogant, but having their identity known meant that only a few of us had the sophistication and wit to properly insult all the time-wasters,” screamed Professor Billingsworth through the access hatch. “We would engage in letters and articles entrapping journalists with their stupid gay voice recorders who can't even work their out of date mobile phones. God you are so lame.”
The study, distributed via the Kyle University's website was supported with a live Q&A text chat session to discuss it's findings in greater detail.
“FFS OBVIOUSLY !!!1!!1!one” an unnamed co-author of the report responded to a question. “You journalists are just uber-noobs fucktards. Probably gay too.”
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Middlesbrough surprised at having to sack Gareth Southgate
The board of Middlesbrough Football Club have expressed surprise at having to sack Gareth Southgate after the team’s 2-0 victory over Derby County.
“To be honest we thought we had sacked him ages ago,” said Middlesbrough board member Steve Billingsworth. “I thought that we had just been winging it for a couple of seasons, but it turns out that he has been coming in everyday!”
Middlesbrough, another North East club notable for an unshakeable belief in its own greatness, claims that it must be looking after longer term interests than just being one point off the lead of the Championship.
“Obviously Middlesbrough is a Premier League team, the best in the world. Premier League class,” said Billingsworth. “I don’t care if that is football, or cricket in India.”
The club however has reiterated its heartfelt gratitude to Mr Southgate in the same warm and sincere tones with which it had recently backed him in the role of manager before he was sacked.
“We would like to thank Gareth for all the hard work, skill and determination that resulted in us losing more games than we won and at one point going 14 games without a win. Not to mention giving Middlesbrough a genuine chance at winning the Championship trophy thanks to our relegation,” said a statement. “Without doubt he is a Middlesbrough man through and through.”
The statement continued that Southgate was always welcome at the Riverside Stadium since “we really need some bums on seats. And he is fully qualified.”
As is the custom, rumours are now circulating as to who the new manager of such a massive club will be.
“I have seen a former candidate for manager of England looking at adverts in a newsagent’s window in Coulby Newham,” said one fan. Another reported seeing a currently unemployed Scottish manager talking to his former goal-keeping coach while they “queued to buy 4-weekly saver bus tickets for the Teeside zone.”
“To be honest we thought we had sacked him ages ago,” said Middlesbrough board member Steve Billingsworth. “I thought that we had just been winging it for a couple of seasons, but it turns out that he has been coming in everyday!”
Middlesbrough, another North East club notable for an unshakeable belief in its own greatness, claims that it must be looking after longer term interests than just being one point off the lead of the Championship.“Obviously Middlesbrough is a Premier League team, the best in the world. Premier League class,” said Billingsworth. “I don’t care if that is football, or cricket in India.”
The club however has reiterated its heartfelt gratitude to Mr Southgate in the same warm and sincere tones with which it had recently backed him in the role of manager before he was sacked.
“We would like to thank Gareth for all the hard work, skill and determination that resulted in us losing more games than we won and at one point going 14 games without a win. Not to mention giving Middlesbrough a genuine chance at winning the Championship trophy thanks to our relegation,” said a statement. “Without doubt he is a Middlesbrough man through and through.”
The statement continued that Southgate was always welcome at the Riverside Stadium since “we really need some bums on seats. And he is fully qualified.”
As is the custom, rumours are now circulating as to who the new manager of such a massive club will be.
“I have seen a former candidate for manager of England looking at adverts in a newsagent’s window in Coulby Newham,” said one fan. Another reported seeing a currently unemployed Scottish manager talking to his former goal-keeping coach while they “queued to buy 4-weekly saver bus tickets for the Teeside zone.”
Monday, October 19, 2009
Union attacks plan for 30,000 more casual workers at Royal Mail
The Communication Workers Union, which represents staff at the Royal Mail that are postal, has condemned plans by the Royal Mail to employ 30,000 temporary employees to deal with the back-log created by union members working even less than normal.
“There is no way that these new temporary staff are going to gain the experience of a proper postie in just a few days,” said Bob Billingsworth of the CWU. “It takes years to be able to time your toilet breaks to work time only and to know the best skips on your route into which to dump mail. If all the proper posties are on strike, who is going to show these new people the 'undeliverable parcel' ropes that helps fill the end of month lucky dip with so many Amazon and QVC packages?”
Union workers are objecting plans by the Royal Mail to drag the institution into the 21st century. They fear that increased automation is likely to lead to job losses and a chance that your letter might get to the correct address, rather than just ending up in the first house on your street that the postie passes.
“If you are lucky!” commented Billingsworth. “We in the union want to make sure that in this modern day and age an item of post is handled by at least 6 highly skilled and fully qualified people before being ripped to shreds.”
Other modernisation plans involve a radical scheme to have the sorting office check the intended address against it's own comprehensive database of possible addresses before handing it to a bloke on a bike who, if confused, will just deliver it somewhere that looks a bit like it.
“The Royal Mail lives in a fantasy land. It claims that it is now possible to tell the difference between house numbers such as 43 and 13,” said Billingsworth. “It has even claimed that the numbers 12 and 13 represent different properties! A machine would have to be sober to achieve that.”
People across Britain are believed to be taking no additional precautions to allow for the thousands of items of post that will become lost, damaged or stolen during the postal crisis. As most believe they will see no difference to normal postal service.
“Apparently there is a word for what they will be doing, it's something called a 'Strike',” said the owner of a mail order business in Sheffield. “I assumed it was just business as usual.”
“There is no way that these new temporary staff are going to gain the experience of a proper postie in just a few days,” said Bob Billingsworth of the CWU. “It takes years to be able to time your toilet breaks to work time only and to know the best skips on your route into which to dump mail. If all the proper posties are on strike, who is going to show these new people the 'undeliverable parcel' ropes that helps fill the end of month lucky dip with so many Amazon and QVC packages?”
Union workers are objecting plans by the Royal Mail to drag the institution into the 21st century. They fear that increased automation is likely to lead to job losses and a chance that your letter might get to the correct address, rather than just ending up in the first house on your street that the postie passes.
“If you are lucky!” commented Billingsworth. “We in the union want to make sure that in this modern day and age an item of post is handled by at least 6 highly skilled and fully qualified people before being ripped to shreds.”Other modernisation plans involve a radical scheme to have the sorting office check the intended address against it's own comprehensive database of possible addresses before handing it to a bloke on a bike who, if confused, will just deliver it somewhere that looks a bit like it.
“The Royal Mail lives in a fantasy land. It claims that it is now possible to tell the difference between house numbers such as 43 and 13,” said Billingsworth. “It has even claimed that the numbers 12 and 13 represent different properties! A machine would have to be sober to achieve that.”
People across Britain are believed to be taking no additional precautions to allow for the thousands of items of post that will become lost, damaged or stolen during the postal crisis. As most believe they will see no difference to normal postal service.
“Apparently there is a word for what they will be doing, it's something called a 'Strike',” said the owner of a mail order business in Sheffield. “I assumed it was just business as usual.”
Friday, October 16, 2009
Why there is nothing “unnatural” about the death of the Daily Mail and Jan Moir's soul
The ongoing story of the Daily Mail's death is not really shocking, it is just another pointless scandal sheet that is deservedly dying on it's arse.
Through the recent travails and sad end of theLondonPaper, the Evening Standard becoming a free sheet and the Daily Express becoming a vehicle for Diana death porn, newspaper journalists know to expect the unexpected of their proprietors, who may be shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice and TV porn channels to promote.
There are dozens of nameless journalists desperate to become household names and we aren't being ghoulish with our expectation of the end of their humanity; a long thirsty night, a tough deadline, an odd set of prejudices of an odder set of readers that herald the death of a barely respected woman's soul.
In the morning a heart has already turned cold before the first shaking hand replaces the icy breakfast vodka with the touch of the keyboard. It is desperate for a new storyline, isn't it?
In fact it is somewhat rather depressingly familiar form for the Daily Mail that has once again found space amongst glorified press-releases for health products and unfounded health scares to sober-up one of its columnists prepared to once again tread on the memories of those recently past, and the emotions of those dealing with bereavement
“I am quite prepared to rubbish a man who has died in the prime of life, despite a formal autopsy declaring natural causes. We all know there is inneundo for me to write and the memory of everything he achieved in life must be trashed,” said Jan Moir through her Femail column. “He was a bum-bandit, don't you see? He wasn't like me. For example he had legions of fans, was pretty and men wanted to have sex with him.”
EDIT : The Daily Fail has now amended Moir's original article's title - it was "Why there was nothing 'natural' about Stephen Gately's death"
Through the recent travails and sad end of theLondonPaper, the Evening Standard becoming a free sheet and the Daily Express becoming a vehicle for Diana death porn, newspaper journalists know to expect the unexpected of their proprietors, who may be shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice and TV porn channels to promote.
There are dozens of nameless journalists desperate to become household names and we aren't being ghoulish with our expectation of the end of their humanity; a long thirsty night, a tough deadline, an odd set of prejudices of an odder set of readers that herald the death of a barely respected woman's soul.
In the morning a heart has already turned cold before the first shaking hand replaces the icy breakfast vodka with the touch of the keyboard. It is desperate for a new storyline, isn't it?
In fact it is somewhat rather depressingly familiar form for the Daily Mail that has once again found space amongst glorified press-releases for health products and unfounded health scares to sober-up one of its columnists prepared to once again tread on the memories of those recently past, and the emotions of those dealing with bereavement
“I am quite prepared to rubbish a man who has died in the prime of life, despite a formal autopsy declaring natural causes. We all know there is inneundo for me to write and the memory of everything he achieved in life must be trashed,” said Jan Moir through her Femail column. “He was a bum-bandit, don't you see? He wasn't like me. For example he had legions of fans, was pretty and men wanted to have sex with him.”
EDIT : The Daily Fail has now amended Moir's original article's title - it was "Why there was nothing 'natural' about Stephen Gately's death"
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Heart of Darkness offers ground-breaking “dark bedroom simulator” at Tate Modern
Heart of Darkness, the latest art installation in the great turbine hall at Tate Modern has been heralded as being an artistic triumph and an artwork that can at last bring the experience of a darkened room within the reach of the common man.
“Marvellous, stupendous, a triumph!” exclaimed art critic Septimus Billingsworth. “You go into the huge container and it is dark. How else could we experience darkness?”
Not only is the installation the first, and so far only, way for anyone to experience a dark room, or hall, the technology behind it has baffled critics and visitors alike.
“You have to wonder how it is done, like that tap that floats on the water pouring from it's own spigot,” said Billingsworth. “Just how is darkness created? It has influenced me deeply, just this morning as I awoke in my blacked out bedroom I was once again thinking just how impossible the experience had been.”
Visitors are being asked to prepare themselves for a visceral spiral of emotions as they visit the huge container.
“I spoke to one of the curators before I went in, as part of the training, for no one can be expected to know what to feel,” said Billingsworth. “He said to imagine a darkened hall. I couldn't. Who could? What a torture this triumph is. Then he said 'Imagine a box containing the impact on the country if Tracey Emin left' and I was there – truly feeling nothing.”
Art expert and layman alike have responded warmly to finally being given the ability to stand in the dark, something that only perhaps a few billion people have ever experienced in the last 24 hours. This has led to the work gaining affectionate nicknames such as 'The Box', 'A Load of Nothing' and 'A Black Hole For Our Money'.
Tate Modern says that it is currently in negotiations with the Lottery Fund for the Arts for a series of replica installations across the country as part of a programme of events entitled “Living with Energy Saving Light-Bulbs”.
“Marvellous, stupendous, a triumph!” exclaimed art critic Septimus Billingsworth. “You go into the huge container and it is dark. How else could we experience darkness?”
Not only is the installation the first, and so far only, way for anyone to experience a dark room, or hall, the technology behind it has baffled critics and visitors alike.
“You have to wonder how it is done, like that tap that floats on the water pouring from it's own spigot,” said Billingsworth. “Just how is darkness created? It has influenced me deeply, just this morning as I awoke in my blacked out bedroom I was once again thinking just how impossible the experience had been.”Visitors are being asked to prepare themselves for a visceral spiral of emotions as they visit the huge container.
“I spoke to one of the curators before I went in, as part of the training, for no one can be expected to know what to feel,” said Billingsworth. “He said to imagine a darkened hall. I couldn't. Who could? What a torture this triumph is. Then he said 'Imagine a box containing the impact on the country if Tracey Emin left' and I was there – truly feeling nothing.”
Art expert and layman alike have responded warmly to finally being given the ability to stand in the dark, something that only perhaps a few billion people have ever experienced in the last 24 hours. This has led to the work gaining affectionate nicknames such as 'The Box', 'A Load of Nothing' and 'A Black Hole For Our Money'.
Tate Modern says that it is currently in negotiations with the Lottery Fund for the Arts for a series of replica installations across the country as part of a programme of events entitled “Living with Energy Saving Light-Bulbs”.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Woman responsible for Children's Services demands £1m to take responsibility for lack of service to children
Sharon Shoesmith, the Director of Children's services at Haringey council on whose watch Children's Services failed to prevent the systematic abuse of Baby P, is continuing her case demanding £1m as compensation if she is to be expected to fulfil the only definable role of a director.
“Sharon is distraught, she did not understand that the £133k salary was to actually take responsibility,” said a pal who did not wish to be named. “How could she, a mere Director of Children's services, whose only arguable skill is setting direction and making statements, be expected to take responsibility for the direction her people take or the ludicrous statements she might make?”
Ms Shoesmith was today in hiding behind e-mails from council executives even more remotely detached from their responsibilities than she is, that praise her spin and public relations approach despite evidence that the services they were collectively accountable for had failed so tragically.
“I was at the celebration meal when we all said thanks to Sharon for handling the press so well,” said the pal. “Without that press conference people might have got the idea that after 60 reports the staff in our charge should have done something to prevent this little tot's death.”
Ms Shoesmith is said to be oblivious to the fact that the ignorant praise from her executive management team indicates systemic incompetence and that more, not less, people should have been fired.
“Where will it all end? You can't expect someone on her pay scale to have any perspective on the impact they may have on people's lives, ” asked the pal. “These directors only earn twice as much as the average doctor, for god's sake.”
However it is the impact of her demonstrable failure as the Director of Children's Services in the Baby P case that has worried her so much. She is worried that the tot's 8 months of abuse whilst under her department's supervision might reflect badly on her.
“Sharon's very worried her future career prospects have been ruined,” said the pal. “She has looked at the executive appointments and can't find anything where the key skill is to dodge accountability. Although there might be some openings at the Ministry of Defence after the next election.”
Children’s Secretary Ed Balls refused to confirm that he is planning on tabling a motion requesting that parliament officially asks Ms Shoesmith to piss off.
“Sharon is distraught, she did not understand that the £133k salary was to actually take responsibility,” said a pal who did not wish to be named. “How could she, a mere Director of Children's services, whose only arguable skill is setting direction and making statements, be expected to take responsibility for the direction her people take or the ludicrous statements she might make?”
Ms Shoesmith was today in hiding behind e-mails from council executives even more remotely detached from their responsibilities than she is, that praise her spin and public relations approach despite evidence that the services they were collectively accountable for had failed so tragically.
“I was at the celebration meal when we all said thanks to Sharon for handling the press so well,” said the pal. “Without that press conference people might have got the idea that after 60 reports the staff in our charge should have done something to prevent this little tot's death.”
Ms Shoesmith is said to be oblivious to the fact that the ignorant praise from her executive management team indicates systemic incompetence and that more, not less, people should have been fired.“Where will it all end? You can't expect someone on her pay scale to have any perspective on the impact they may have on people's lives, ” asked the pal. “These directors only earn twice as much as the average doctor, for god's sake.”
However it is the impact of her demonstrable failure as the Director of Children's Services in the Baby P case that has worried her so much. She is worried that the tot's 8 months of abuse whilst under her department's supervision might reflect badly on her.
“Sharon's very worried her future career prospects have been ruined,” said the pal. “She has looked at the executive appointments and can't find anything where the key skill is to dodge accountability. Although there might be some openings at the Ministry of Defence after the next election.”
Children’s Secretary Ed Balls refused to confirm that he is planning on tabling a motion requesting that parliament officially asks Ms Shoesmith to piss off.
Monday, October 05, 2009
David Cameron promises to “work a day in my life”
Today, at the Conservative Party Conference, leading figures said that behind closed doors, Tory leader David Cameron had pledged to work a day for the first time in his life.
“This is a key election promise from Dave,” said Sir Digby Billingsworth. “He is really committed to getting the work-shy off state benefits. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if he worked two days.”
Mr Cameron has made it clear that he intends to get anyone who can work, back to work, and to stop them receiving £130,000 a year in state handouts for sitting around complaining about everything.
“I can empathise with all those many people that I am told have never been to Eton and for some reason never formed a good network of wealthy friends to see get them a directorship,” said the Tory leader. “I too understand the frustration of a day spent sitting in front of a TV with nothing to do but wait until make-up has finished.”
Mr Cameron says that he fully understands the situation facing the long-term unemployed, having spent eight years as a Conservative Member of Parliament.
“I want to bring my successes and expertise in industry into government, ” said Dave. “I have great experience, remember I was a Director at Carlton when we set-up OnDigital. Whatever happened to that?”
The ability to help re-tune the nation’s set-up boxes aside, Mr Cameron said that the country needed a charismatic, young, conservative leader with experience of handling huge budgets and complex issues whilst serving the richest and poorest members of society alike.
“Indeed,” said Boris Johnson. “That will be me then. Cripes!”
“This is a key election promise from Dave,” said Sir Digby Billingsworth. “He is really committed to getting the work-shy off state benefits. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if he worked two days.” Mr Cameron has made it clear that he intends to get anyone who can work, back to work, and to stop them receiving £130,000 a year in state handouts for sitting around complaining about everything.
“I can empathise with all those many people that I am told have never been to Eton and for some reason never formed a good network of wealthy friends to see get them a directorship,” said the Tory leader. “I too understand the frustration of a day spent sitting in front of a TV with nothing to do but wait until make-up has finished.”
Mr Cameron says that he fully understands the situation facing the long-term unemployed, having spent eight years as a Conservative Member of Parliament.
“I want to bring my successes and expertise in industry into government, ” said Dave. “I have great experience, remember I was a Director at Carlton when we set-up OnDigital. Whatever happened to that?”
The ability to help re-tune the nation’s set-up boxes aside, Mr Cameron said that the country needed a charismatic, young, conservative leader with experience of handling huge budgets and complex issues whilst serving the richest and poorest members of society alike.
“Indeed,” said Boris Johnson. “That will be me then. Cripes!”
Sunday, October 04, 2009
13 year old boys “are worth £6 million a year”
Following Jonathan Ross’s assertion that he is worth every penny of his £6m a year salary, parents have been warned about the inflationary pressure this may put on the pocket-money demands of 13 year old boys.
“It’s so unfair! I only get about £20 a week and I like talking about boobs and girls arses too,” said Derren Billingsworth, 13. “I spend a lot of time making wanking jokes on Friday nights too.”
Whilst the salary demands of those who talk about masturbation and breasts are seen to be beyond all but the wealthiest broadcasting corporations, it is believed that should the BBC wish to consider a reduction in so-called ‘talent costs’ there are plenty of people capable of stepping into Ross’s shoes.
“Only on a Friday night? You could start ‘Wanking 24’ with our Derren,” said Kate Billingsworth, Derren’s mum. “He’d have enough for the radio show too, if that’s what you was after.”
“I read comics too, and I would do programmes on Japanese Manga porn comics for, like, no extra money,” said Master Billingsworth. “Although I’d need a few minutes alone with the books to prepare.”
“Not only would my Derren be perfect for the role,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “He would probably even be discreet about why he was nipping to the toilet after interviewing Gwyneth Paltrow and would make sure he took his radio microphone off beforehand.”
The BBC has announced that it is reviewing the contracts of its presenters with a view to future salary reductions and it has analysed the levels of supply and demand for unattractive males to promise to have sex with attractive film-stars.
“Our requirements are for someone who dresses appallingly, is obsessed with making sexual remarks at inappropriate times and who doesn’t speak clearly, ” said a BBC spokesman. “So yes, a 13 year old boy would be perfect.”
“It’s so unfair! I only get about £20 a week and I like talking about boobs and girls arses too,” said Derren Billingsworth, 13. “I spend a lot of time making wanking jokes on Friday nights too.”Whilst the salary demands of those who talk about masturbation and breasts are seen to be beyond all but the wealthiest broadcasting corporations, it is believed that should the BBC wish to consider a reduction in so-called ‘talent costs’ there are plenty of people capable of stepping into Ross’s shoes.
“Only on a Friday night? You could start ‘Wanking 24’ with our Derren,” said Kate Billingsworth, Derren’s mum. “He’d have enough for the radio show too, if that’s what you was after.”
“I read comics too, and I would do programmes on Japanese Manga porn comics for, like, no extra money,” said Master Billingsworth. “Although I’d need a few minutes alone with the books to prepare.”
“Not only would my Derren be perfect for the role,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “He would probably even be discreet about why he was nipping to the toilet after interviewing Gwyneth Paltrow and would make sure he took his radio microphone off beforehand.”
The BBC has announced that it is reviewing the contracts of its presenters with a view to future salary reductions and it has analysed the levels of supply and demand for unattractive males to promise to have sex with attractive film-stars.
“Our requirements are for someone who dresses appallingly, is obsessed with making sexual remarks at inappropriate times and who doesn’t speak clearly, ” said a BBC spokesman. “So yes, a 13 year old boy would be perfect.”
Saturday, October 03, 2009
FA rules that Londoners are incapable of civilised behaviour
The Football Association has ruled that Londoners supporting Arsenal Football Club do not have to behave themselves, especially when confronted by a man of African origin, possibly wearing a blue shirt. The ruling came as part of their suspended match ban of Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor for opening his arms in front of a Londoner.
“The FA has ruled that in no way is it reasonable to expect a Londoner, possibly wearing a red shirt, to control their natural desire to riot when provoked by a black man in a blue shirt,” said a statement. “The normal behavioural expectation when encountering Londoners should to assume they are aggressive beasts and the African gentlemen should have known not to kneel in front of them. We have to make allowances for Londoners being unable to sit down and shut the fuck up.”
The FA said it was clear that the Londoners had suffered unduly from extreme provocation. According to a report they had endured sitting on a train that did not go underground and may only have been drinking since six in the morning, as opposed to their normal workday start.
“It is quite clear that most of these Londoners suffer from learning difficulties,” continued the FA statement. “You only have to listen to them and their limited speech capability. They have an impenetrable language based upon a very restricted alphabet.”
It is believed that your average Londoner has yet to make sense of concepts the rest of us take for granted such as “enjoying a football match” and “not ripping up the seats”.
The judgement is a sad indictment of the state of the modern Londoner, but comes only a few months after a large number of the beasts were sanctioned following a Carling Cup match at Upton Park when thousands of Londoners decided to shit on their own doorstep.
“We are introducing a new, simple, ‘Dictionary for Londoners’ with plenty of pictures,” said the FA. “To help them understand some of the concepts of the modern world that are alien to them.”
Entries include:-
Allegiance
Kissing a badge on a football shirt is not legally binding.
Loyalty
When a foreign gentlemen travel thousands of miles to play football for huge sums of money, it is very likely he may travel a few hundred miles for even more. He didn’t come to your city for the jellied eels and that lovable way you call everyone a cunt.
“The FA has ruled that in no way is it reasonable to expect a Londoner, possibly wearing a red shirt, to control their natural desire to riot when provoked by a black man in a blue shirt,” said a statement. “The normal behavioural expectation when encountering Londoners should to assume they are aggressive beasts and the African gentlemen should have known not to kneel in front of them. We have to make allowances for Londoners being unable to sit down and shut the fuck up.”The FA said it was clear that the Londoners had suffered unduly from extreme provocation. According to a report they had endured sitting on a train that did not go underground and may only have been drinking since six in the morning, as opposed to their normal workday start.
“It is quite clear that most of these Londoners suffer from learning difficulties,” continued the FA statement. “You only have to listen to them and their limited speech capability. They have an impenetrable language based upon a very restricted alphabet.”
It is believed that your average Londoner has yet to make sense of concepts the rest of us take for granted such as “enjoying a football match” and “not ripping up the seats”.
The judgement is a sad indictment of the state of the modern Londoner, but comes only a few months after a large number of the beasts were sanctioned following a Carling Cup match at Upton Park when thousands of Londoners decided to shit on their own doorstep.
“We are introducing a new, simple, ‘Dictionary for Londoners’ with plenty of pictures,” said the FA. “To help them understand some of the concepts of the modern world that are alien to them.”
Entries include:-
Allegiance
Kissing a badge on a football shirt is not legally binding.
Loyalty
When a foreign gentlemen travel thousands of miles to play football for huge sums of money, it is very likely he may travel a few hundred miles for even more. He didn’t come to your city for the jellied eels and that lovable way you call everyone a cunt.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Daily Express will back Princess Diana at next election, Daily Mail roots for things that cause cancer, no cure, no cause again
It is the middle of conference season again, a time of the year when The Sun chooses the prevailing political bandwagon to hitch it's sales cart to. Therefore it is time to assess the allegiances of the major national newspapers, and the Daily Express.
The Sun
The newspaper based on the journalistic principles of big-bouncy breasts holds the rather depressing position as being the highest circulation of Murdoch's opinion leaflets. Following Gordon Brown's speech at the Labour party conference the paper has vowed to align with David Cameron for its daily tit based news.
Daily Mail
A difficult one to call, since the Mail appears convinced we will all be dead in our worthless homes long before the election occurs. On the wild assumption that the Mail does not always print facts, a perusal of its health-scare obsessed advertorials indicates that its most fervent ardour is reserved for those aspects of society that it deems most cancerous. Likely to back the Conservatives.
The Mirror
Traditionally left leaning, The Mirror has been a fervent supporter of Labour throughout its history. Almost certain to continue to back the government unless it finds some more obviously fake photos that might increase circulation.
The Daily Telegraph
Despite scandal and innuendo it is likely that the subscriptions to one of the few remaining morning arm-stretches will continue to turn up on Conservative MPs’ expenses claims - if only as lining for duck houses.
Daily Express
The list would be complete without the Express, an anti-immigration sheaf of advertisements for pornographic television channels run by its proprietor Richard Desmond. In between those adverts it will certainly proclaim that it is “Backing Diana in 2010” and that “visions of St Diana of Wales would cure all ills, especially for anyone being shagged by an Egyptian immigrant”. Might swing to any party that bans white Fiat Unos.
The Sun The newspaper based on the journalistic principles of big-bouncy breasts holds the rather depressing position as being the highest circulation of Murdoch's opinion leaflets. Following Gordon Brown's speech at the Labour party conference the paper has vowed to align with David Cameron for its daily tit based news.
Daily Mail
A difficult one to call, since the Mail appears convinced we will all be dead in our worthless homes long before the election occurs. On the wild assumption that the Mail does not always print facts, a perusal of its health-scare obsessed advertorials indicates that its most fervent ardour is reserved for those aspects of society that it deems most cancerous. Likely to back the Conservatives.
The Mirror
Traditionally left leaning, The Mirror has been a fervent supporter of Labour throughout its history. Almost certain to continue to back the government unless it finds some more obviously fake photos that might increase circulation.
The Daily Telegraph
Despite scandal and innuendo it is likely that the subscriptions to one of the few remaining morning arm-stretches will continue to turn up on Conservative MPs’ expenses claims - if only as lining for duck houses.
Daily Express
The list would be complete without the Express, an anti-immigration sheaf of advertisements for pornographic television channels run by its proprietor Richard Desmond. In between those adverts it will certainly proclaim that it is “Backing Diana in 2010” and that “visions of St Diana of Wales would cure all ills, especially for anyone being shagged by an Egyptian immigrant”. Might swing to any party that bans white Fiat Unos.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Doomsday machine gets new security system
Engineers at CERN have announced that the Large Hadron Collider, the machine set to kill us all, destroy the Earth and, most shockingly of all, ruin the final of Strictly Come Dancing has had a SF40m security update.
“Last year we were shut down before we could destroy, I mean start our experiment, by one of our magnets heating up,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Now if a secret agent does attempt at sabotage we will know immediately and a dozen henchmen in orange uniforms will be despatched to resolve the problem.”
Many believe that the LHC (which is the English acronym for the machine’s full French title of SKYNET) is capable of generating a black hole which would severely disrupt voting during the X-Factor. SKYNET has been rumoured to be housed at CERN’s underground lair on the Franco-Swiss border with the 27km super-gun circling a huge underground tank containing at least three genetically engineered shark-crocodile-Katie-Price fembots.
CERN’s announcement of the new warning system was contained in a press release carved into the forehead of an official from the Polish embassy found floating face down in Lake Geneva. This new system will ensure that there is no repeat of November 2008’s forced shut down of the collider, when a black-silhouetted figure was seen hastily working on an elaborate electrical wiring loom as a large clock counted down nearby.
“1 more second and we would have seen the end of the world … wide ignorance of the Higgs-boson,” laughed Professor Billingsworth somewhat maniacally. “Somehow the blue wire was cut with one second to go. Yet again! Maybe we should also change the colour of the firing wire.”
The British Secret Service, MI6, said that the new warning system may represent an end to the chances of saving humanity, unless someone is willing to carpool.
“We can’t send any operatives into the field anymore. The Health and Safety forms needed to sanction a license to kill are horrendous,” said a spokesman. “And let’s not get started about the procedure for carbon offsetting for international flights.”
“Last year we were shut down before we could destroy, I mean start our experiment, by one of our magnets heating up,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Now if a secret agent does attempt at sabotage we will know immediately and a dozen henchmen in orange uniforms will be despatched to resolve the problem.”
Many believe that the LHC (which is the English acronym for the machine’s full French title of SKYNET) is capable of generating a black hole which would severely disrupt voting during the X-Factor. SKYNET has been rumoured to be housed at CERN’s underground lair on the Franco-Swiss border with the 27km super-gun circling a huge underground tank containing at least three genetically engineered shark-crocodile-Katie-Price fembots.CERN’s announcement of the new warning system was contained in a press release carved into the forehead of an official from the Polish embassy found floating face down in Lake Geneva. This new system will ensure that there is no repeat of November 2008’s forced shut down of the collider, when a black-silhouetted figure was seen hastily working on an elaborate electrical wiring loom as a large clock counted down nearby.
“1 more second and we would have seen the end of the world … wide ignorance of the Higgs-boson,” laughed Professor Billingsworth somewhat maniacally. “Somehow the blue wire was cut with one second to go. Yet again! Maybe we should also change the colour of the firing wire.”
The British Secret Service, MI6, said that the new warning system may represent an end to the chances of saving humanity, unless someone is willing to carpool.
“We can’t send any operatives into the field anymore. The Health and Safety forms needed to sanction a license to kill are horrendous,” said a spokesman. “And let’s not get started about the procedure for carbon offsetting for international flights.”
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Britain to revert back to the Gold Standard and to using Anglo-Saxon coins
Following the discovery of a huge amount of Saxon Gold the Chancellor today announced a plan to move the pound back to being measured against the gold standard and a distribution of revised coinage. This will be a first step in a series of reforms to support hard pressed public finances.
“In no way are we saying that the country is broke,” said Mr Darling from his place in the soup line. "However I did see an advert on the telly for one of those companies that buys old gold and thought we could raise a few quid that way.”
The Saxon hoard is comprised of thousands of gold coins, which will form the basis of the new currency, as well as some gold ornaments, which will be sent to pawnyourgold.co.uk.
“A lot of the finds are 7th century sword fittings,” said Mr Darling as he sipped his steaming rat broth. “So I will be passing these on to Bob Ainsworth to see if he can re-equip the troops fighting in Afghanistan with some more modern gear.”
The Chancellor said that the full plans would be unveiled once the Prime Minister had returned from his voyage across the Atlantic – his galleon is due to return in a couple of months – mutinies allowing.
“We have everything under control. The current call-centre based economy - in which we all just sell each other insurance - will have to change," said Mr Darling. “The future will be a gleaming age of mud and prostitution. I suggest you all find yourselves a goat since they can be used in either trade.”
The Chancellor refuted claims that a couple of thousand coins would be insufficient upon which to base the economy, saying that this was just the first phase.
“Clearly only the very top of society will be able to amass enough goats, whores, or goat-whores to acquire a gold coin,” he said. “But you will still be able to tell someone’s status if the host at a dinner party serves his guests with brand name, rather than Tesco’s own brand, dog food.”
“In no way are we saying that the country is broke,” said Mr Darling from his place in the soup line. "However I did see an advert on the telly for one of those companies that buys old gold and thought we could raise a few quid that way.”The Saxon hoard is comprised of thousands of gold coins, which will form the basis of the new currency, as well as some gold ornaments, which will be sent to pawnyourgold.co.uk.
“A lot of the finds are 7th century sword fittings,” said Mr Darling as he sipped his steaming rat broth. “So I will be passing these on to Bob Ainsworth to see if he can re-equip the troops fighting in Afghanistan with some more modern gear.”
The Chancellor said that the full plans would be unveiled once the Prime Minister had returned from his voyage across the Atlantic – his galleon is due to return in a couple of months – mutinies allowing.
“We have everything under control. The current call-centre based economy - in which we all just sell each other insurance - will have to change," said Mr Darling. “The future will be a gleaming age of mud and prostitution. I suggest you all find yourselves a goat since they can be used in either trade.”
The Chancellor refuted claims that a couple of thousand coins would be insufficient upon which to base the economy, saying that this was just the first phase.
“Clearly only the very top of society will be able to amass enough goats, whores, or goat-whores to acquire a gold coin,” he said. “But you will still be able to tell someone’s status if the host at a dinner party serves his guests with brand name, rather than Tesco’s own brand, dog food.”
Saturday, September 19, 2009
TUC votes to ban women’s underwear
Following the vote over high-heels, in a further landmark ruling during the Trade Union Congress’s meeting in Liverpool, a motion was passed calling on all female underwear to be made illegal in the workplace.
“For too long women have been compelled to wear knickers, and bras, tights and stockings,” said Lorraine Billingsworth, a comfortable shoe wearing delegate at the conference. “Ban these evil, lying items of clothing, since you never look as good in them as the models in the catalogues.”
Union officials say that since men who may work in professions such as cabin crew or trade shows are not compelled to wear knickers or bras then they are clearly discriminatory and should be banned.
“I think it’s a great idea, sometimes the stewardess uniforms with their short skirts and high-heels must be difficult to spend the day in,” said George, a frequent flyer from Edinburgh and member of the Scottish Health & Safety executive. “If I knew that they were not wearing any knickers I would show them my firm support.”
If the ruling is made law it will have a dramatic effect on workplace attire for many women which is something that Trade Unionists believe need not be seen in a negative light.
“There will need to be regular checks to ensure that women are not being compelled to wear dangerous knickers,” said Health and Safety official Bill Insworth. “We believe that regular underwear checking will be a real growth area for our members.”
One profession that it is understood will be granted an exemption is that of the judiciary since it is generally believed that all judges of both sexes wear stockings and suspenders to work.
“For too long women have been compelled to wear knickers, and bras, tights and stockings,” said Lorraine Billingsworth, a comfortable shoe wearing delegate at the conference. “Ban these evil, lying items of clothing, since you never look as good in them as the models in the catalogues.”
Union officials say that since men who may work in professions such as cabin crew or trade shows are not compelled to wear knickers or bras then they are clearly discriminatory and should be banned.“I think it’s a great idea, sometimes the stewardess uniforms with their short skirts and high-heels must be difficult to spend the day in,” said George, a frequent flyer from Edinburgh and member of the Scottish Health & Safety executive. “If I knew that they were not wearing any knickers I would show them my firm support.”
If the ruling is made law it will have a dramatic effect on workplace attire for many women which is something that Trade Unionists believe need not be seen in a negative light.
“There will need to be regular checks to ensure that women are not being compelled to wear dangerous knickers,” said Health and Safety official Bill Insworth. “We believe that regular underwear checking will be a real growth area for our members.”
One profession that it is understood will be granted an exemption is that of the judiciary since it is generally believed that all judges of both sexes wear stockings and suspenders to work.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Remaining Noel Gallagher music catalogue released today
Following the news that guitar band Oasis has split acrimoniously, fans will have been consoled that the remaining songs from Noel Gallagher’s future albums were today released in box-set under the title of “Beatles in Stereo”.“This has been done to give something back to the fans that have supported Oasis over the last 15 years or so,” said pop music expert, Paul Millingsworthy. “The release of Beatles Stereo is saying ‘This is what you would have heard anyway’.”
The band has made headlines throughout its history with several members, including the Gallagher brothers themselves, leaving and rejoining at several times and it is not clear if they will reform.
“Over the years the Gallagher brothers have behaved increasingly like an unhappy married couple,” said Millingsworthy. “They only really stayed together for the quids.”
Much like a divorce, commentators believe the band has now divided up its assets between the parties, with Noel taking the musical, lyrical, vocal and guitar playing talents and Liam keeping his tambourine.
More Record success for "tying a child to something"
Enthusiasts for tying children to things were today celebrating another milestone in passive record breaking by arbitrarily young people following the announcement of the country’s youngest “skydiver”.
“This really is great news,” said Bill Billingsworth, children binding enthusiast and part time caring parent. “It really shows that there are no limits to what a child can be tied to for the aggrandisement of adult egos.”
Tom Hayes, 7, became Britain’s youngest Skydiver when his parents allowed him to be tied to a stranger and flung out of a plane.
“This pushes the envelope, previous child tying records of been to inanimate objects at least controlled by responsible family members,” said Billingsworth. “The minimum age for jumping in the UK is 16 whereas in Slovenia neither the state nor the parents give a shit.”
Tom’s sister Lucy was unable to take the record from her brother since she is eight. She had to console herself with being Britain’s youngest female “skydiver”.
“Young Lucy should not be too upset,” said Billingsworth. “She is sure to be tied to something in the future and find 15 minutes of Internet fame.”
“This really is great news,” said Bill Billingsworth, children binding enthusiast and part time caring parent. “It really shows that there are no limits to what a child can be tied to for the aggrandisement of adult egos.”
Tom Hayes, 7, became Britain’s youngest Skydiver when his parents allowed him to be tied to a stranger and flung out of a plane.“This pushes the envelope, previous child tying records of been to inanimate objects at least controlled by responsible family members,” said Billingsworth. “The minimum age for jumping in the UK is 16 whereas in Slovenia neither the state nor the parents give a shit.”
Tom’s sister Lucy was unable to take the record from her brother since she is eight. She had to console herself with being Britain’s youngest female “skydiver”.
“Young Lucy should not be too upset,” said Billingsworth. “She is sure to be tied to something in the future and find 15 minutes of Internet fame.”
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Customer group retaliates and brands Currys employees as "bunch of useless retards"
Following news of a Facebook group of some 3000 members where some employees of Currys and PC World call customers “stupid”, it has emerged that there is a customer group of some 60 million members with views on the capability of the employees themselves.
“Absolute idiots, worse than trained baboons,” was a comment from several thousand customers of the Aintree branch of PC World. “At least with a baboon you can see the shit it is sending your way before you get the box home and try and plug it in.”
“They know bugger all about computers,” continued another comment from two million people in the South East of London who use various Currys branches. “But they can stick anti-virus software and insurance onto your order when you aren’t looking.”
DGSi, the parent company of Currys and PC World, has expressed shock at the presence of the Facebook group when news of the activities of former and current employees came to light.
“Head office is very upset about the Facebook group,” said Murial Billingsworth, customer relations for DSGi. “We were amazed that we ever employed anyone who had ever actually used that interweb thing! We are going to have to locate these people and promote them. Some of them clearly understand that you don’t shout into a mouse, which they don’t learn from us until they reach management level.”
Other comments from the 60 million strong PC World customer dissatisfaction group include:-
“Absolute idiots, worse than trained baboons,” was a comment from several thousand customers of the Aintree branch of PC World. “At least with a baboon you can see the shit it is sending your way before you get the box home and try and plug it in.”
“They know bugger all about computers,” continued another comment from two million people in the South East of London who use various Currys branches. “But they can stick anti-virus software and insurance onto your order when you aren’t looking.”DGSi, the parent company of Currys and PC World, has expressed shock at the presence of the Facebook group when news of the activities of former and current employees came to light.
“Head office is very upset about the Facebook group,” said Murial Billingsworth, customer relations for DSGi. “We were amazed that we ever employed anyone who had ever actually used that interweb thing! We are going to have to locate these people and promote them. Some of them clearly understand that you don’t shout into a mouse, which they don’t learn from us until they reach management level.”
Other comments from the 60 million strong PC World customer dissatisfaction group include:-
- A visitor to Cardiff’s camera section commented: “When I asked which gave the better panoramic views: Fuji, Olympus or Pentax the woman said she had never heard of Mount Pentax.”
- A visitor to the Taunton Business Centre said “I asked one salesman what his recommended backup solution was and he said that his car had parking sensors.”
- Another customer from East Kilbride was told that she “could free up hard disk space if her documents contained less Bold typefaces.”
- One male assistant in Norwich said he was unable to assist with WiFi problems since he was not married.
Monday, September 07, 2009
Brown to enter into “Deal or No Deal”, with Gaddafi
The British Prime Minister today affirmed that he would not be dealing with terrorists during an announcement of pursuing a deal with Libya for compensation for IRA terrorism.“I want to be clear that this is not a U-turn, I always intended to keep negotiating whilst not doing any deals,” said the Prime Minister. “At least while the £250,000 box was still in play.”
Mr Brown made the announcement after a telephone conversation where his latest poll numbers were revealed to him.
“None of my previous changes of direction have been U-turns,” re-iterated the Prime Minister. “After every decision I make the phone rings and based on the number I am told I decide whether or not to continue with my original game-plan. We have done that several times now.”
Mr Brown, one of a number of politicians who have taken the 'Walk of Wealth' to Tripoli in recent weeks, denied that there was any link between the pursuit of compensation for victims of terror, the release of terrorists or huge oil and gas contracts with a nation that has admitted to supporting and directly engaging in acts of international terror.“Let me make this quite clear, I have been entirely consistent. We are after a deal on compensation, there was no deal on releasing dying terrorists and we hope to sign huge trade deals,” said Mr Brown. “It is all completely understandable when you realise that I am making my policy selections based on family member's birthdays. And also that Jack Straw's red box normally contains something of high value.”
The Conservative leader responded saying that the government was flip-flopping on important decisions and showing that it was not negotiating strongly enough for Britain's interests.
“Take the Credit Crunch, Brown was incapable of negotiating with the Banker properly then,” said Mr Cameron. “A Conservative government will ensure that every box is ticked with ruthless tenacity, sticking to our most basic values. George's system for ticking policy boxes is based upon the number of sequins on party dresses.”
Friday, September 04, 2009
Brown aide’s resignation leads to biscuit crisis in MoD
The shock waves are reverberating around the world following the announcement that the Parliamentary Private Secretary to the Defence Secretary had resigned citing the strategy being adopted in the war in Afghanistan. Survivors at Westminster, the epicentre of the political explosion, were first to comment.
“The resignation of Eric Joyce is a very serious blow to the war office of Gordon Brown,” said Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. “Joyce was key to assisting the Defence Secretary in assisting the cabinet in assisting the Prime Minister. Key. And what’s more always used to make sure everyone was brought together for leaving presentations and had a slice of cake.”
Further afield the news has been received with shock, bewilderment and genuine concern for the future of Britain's role in Afghanistan.
“I cannot imagine the Ministry of Defence without Joyce being at the heart of organisation and planning,” said Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “Without her, won't Gordon Brown's secretary have to get the Prime Minister’s coffee himself?”
The Ministry of Defence denied that Mr Joyce's departure would have a serious impact on Britain's war effort, but conceded that an emergency re-shuffle had been undertaken to ensure that the Defence Secretary's office continued to run smoothly.
“Right after Joyce left Bob Ainsworth ran out of post-it notes and Joyce was the only one who knew where the key to the cupboard was,” said a spokesman. “However it turned out to be next to a copy of ‘Guns and Ammo Weekly’ that Mr Ainsworth had been looking for all day. So we struggled through.”
Despite assertions from the government that it is business as usual, Joyce’s decade of experience at assisting secretaries will certainly be missed in Whitehall and will be felt in Afghanistan.
“Whilst my birthday card from the MoD was signed by Bob Ainsworth himself, I think it certain that it was Joyce that would have bought it in her lunch hour,” said President Karzai. “I have spoken to Bob since she left and he says the office is a bit of a mess without her. No one has brought any cakes in and the filing is in complete disarray.”
The effects of Joyce’s resignation have been felt as far away as Washington, where Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth hosted a dinner last night in honour of the 1000th newspaper headline celebrating a remarkably low number of troop deaths for an armed military invasion.
“It was clear that Bob was still coming to terms with the loss,” said a fellow diner. “He didn’t know any of the foreign diplomats’ children’s names and there were clearly some flecks of fluff on the lapels of his dinner jacket.”
Following the shock resignation, Joyce was said by friends to be coping well and has spent the last few days helping with planning for a church fete in Perth.
“The resignation of Eric Joyce is a very serious blow to the war office of Gordon Brown,” said Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. “Joyce was key to assisting the Defence Secretary in assisting the cabinet in assisting the Prime Minister. Key. And what’s more always used to make sure everyone was brought together for leaving presentations and had a slice of cake.”
Further afield the news has been received with shock, bewilderment and genuine concern for the future of Britain's role in Afghanistan.
“I cannot imagine the Ministry of Defence without Joyce being at the heart of organisation and planning,” said Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “Without her, won't Gordon Brown's secretary have to get the Prime Minister’s coffee himself?”The Ministry of Defence denied that Mr Joyce's departure would have a serious impact on Britain's war effort, but conceded that an emergency re-shuffle had been undertaken to ensure that the Defence Secretary's office continued to run smoothly.
“Right after Joyce left Bob Ainsworth ran out of post-it notes and Joyce was the only one who knew where the key to the cupboard was,” said a spokesman. “However it turned out to be next to a copy of ‘Guns and Ammo Weekly’ that Mr Ainsworth had been looking for all day. So we struggled through.”
Despite assertions from the government that it is business as usual, Joyce’s decade of experience at assisting secretaries will certainly be missed in Whitehall and will be felt in Afghanistan.
“Whilst my birthday card from the MoD was signed by Bob Ainsworth himself, I think it certain that it was Joyce that would have bought it in her lunch hour,” said President Karzai. “I have spoken to Bob since she left and he says the office is a bit of a mess without her. No one has brought any cakes in and the filing is in complete disarray.”
The effects of Joyce’s resignation have been felt as far away as Washington, where Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth hosted a dinner last night in honour of the 1000th newspaper headline celebrating a remarkably low number of troop deaths for an armed military invasion.
“It was clear that Bob was still coming to terms with the loss,” said a fellow diner. “He didn’t know any of the foreign diplomats’ children’s names and there were clearly some flecks of fluff on the lapels of his dinner jacket.”
Following the shock resignation, Joyce was said by friends to be coping well and has spent the last few days helping with planning for a church fete in Perth.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Right wing Africans suggest letting California burn
Conservative leaders across Africa have called for the wildfires in the US state of California to be left to burn uncontrollably as a means of solving the persistent problems affecting the region.
“Every year we see the same pictures on television, of homes being destroyed and peoples’ lives ruined by fire,” said Joseph Mebillingsworth a leading political commentator in Ethiopia. “No matter how much money is spent the same thing happens every year.”
Many political commentators point to California, and Los Angeles in particular, as having a history of chronic water shortages and wildfires as evidence that the land is unable to sustain the current demands placed on it by ten of millions of immigrants over the last 200 years.
“It is clear that the population explosion in California is now unsustainable, forcing people to live close to deadly, dry woodland that can only burst into flames,” said MeBillingsworth. “There are just too many people for the Fire Department of Los Angeles to support. Every year millions of dollars is pumped into LA fire prevention, and yet every year we see the same images – people returning to the wreckage of homes only recently rebuilt from the ashes of previous houses. Clearly giving the area money is not the answer.”
Those that wish to leave California to the flames as the only long-term solution insist that California is rich enough to sustain itself and provide for future generations of Fire-fighters to work the land, but that the state is constantly dragged down by unbearable waste, greed and corruption.
“It is the people at the bottom that suffer, not the ruling elite,” said MeBillingsworth. “Even while the people struggle and the State is apparently bankrupted into selling off anything it can on EBay, the ruling elite have enough to buy the finest clothes from their exclusive shops in Beverly Hills and drive around in limousines.”
Others though believe that leaving the people of California to die in the thousands is morally repugnant in the 21st century.
“California is a fabulous land, it is endowed with enormous natural resources and its people are hard-working and skilled enough to be able to come home to a house that is not on fire,” said one aid worker. “They just need some training in the basics. Such as how to draw maps of those areas that have persistent wildfires. And then learning not to build houses in them.”
As the old investment aid saying goes – “Give a man a fire-truck and his house won’t burn down today. Teach him about sensible urban planning and his town will be out of reach of fires for a lifetime.”
Both left and right of the political spectrum in Africa are in agreement about the plight facing the residents of Los Angeles as they try to once again recover from a vicious circle that many believe is of their own making.
“It is difficult for us, sitting in Africa watching the news, to understand the difficulties of the people of California should they be injured or become ill from the effects of the fires, " said MeBillingsworth. “Their health system really is appalling.”
“Every year we see the same pictures on television, of homes being destroyed and peoples’ lives ruined by fire,” said Joseph Mebillingsworth a leading political commentator in Ethiopia. “No matter how much money is spent the same thing happens every year.”Many political commentators point to California, and Los Angeles in particular, as having a history of chronic water shortages and wildfires as evidence that the land is unable to sustain the current demands placed on it by ten of millions of immigrants over the last 200 years.
“It is clear that the population explosion in California is now unsustainable, forcing people to live close to deadly, dry woodland that can only burst into flames,” said MeBillingsworth. “There are just too many people for the Fire Department of Los Angeles to support. Every year millions of dollars is pumped into LA fire prevention, and yet every year we see the same images – people returning to the wreckage of homes only recently rebuilt from the ashes of previous houses. Clearly giving the area money is not the answer.”
Those that wish to leave California to the flames as the only long-term solution insist that California is rich enough to sustain itself and provide for future generations of Fire-fighters to work the land, but that the state is constantly dragged down by unbearable waste, greed and corruption.
“It is the people at the bottom that suffer, not the ruling elite,” said MeBillingsworth. “Even while the people struggle and the State is apparently bankrupted into selling off anything it can on EBay, the ruling elite have enough to buy the finest clothes from their exclusive shops in Beverly Hills and drive around in limousines.”
Others though believe that leaving the people of California to die in the thousands is morally repugnant in the 21st century.
“California is a fabulous land, it is endowed with enormous natural resources and its people are hard-working and skilled enough to be able to come home to a house that is not on fire,” said one aid worker. “They just need some training in the basics. Such as how to draw maps of those areas that have persistent wildfires. And then learning not to build houses in them.”
As the old investment aid saying goes – “Give a man a fire-truck and his house won’t burn down today. Teach him about sensible urban planning and his town will be out of reach of fires for a lifetime.”
Both left and right of the political spectrum in Africa are in agreement about the plight facing the residents of Los Angeles as they try to once again recover from a vicious circle that many believe is of their own making.
“It is difficult for us, sitting in Africa watching the news, to understand the difficulties of the people of California should they be injured or become ill from the effects of the fires, " said MeBillingsworth. “Their health system really is appalling.”
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Riots in the streets after Ikea changes its catalogue typeface from Futura to Verdana
Residents of affluent suburbs the world over were today warned to stay in their homes as middle class areas were consumed by another day of rioting following the news that Ikea had changed its catalogue typeface from Futura to Verdana.
“There is carnage everywhere, I can barely bring myself to look and am shuttered in doors shaking,” said Callum Billingsworth, a graphic designer from Camden in London, via Twitter. “Have you seen page 213? They have used red, bold Verdana, for God’s sake.”
The same story was repeated the world over. In the Mission area of San Francisco the early morning sun rising across the bay shone on rows of burnt out cars and overturned buses.
“It’s worse than the Facebook riots of ’08, and the changed layout,” said one resident who did not wish to be named, since she had not painted her front door to complement her fence. “People were just torching things, and chanting ‘Move this a little bit to the left then!’”
In a bid to bring order to a world ripped apart as another pillar of middle-class society undergoes the inevitable pressure of change, an online petition has been created to allow people to anonymously assert their right to have no absolutely effect on a huge international corporation and its typeface.
“People think we can’t but we can really make a difference with this petition,” said Billingsworth logging into his iMac to sign-up. “We just need to raise the issue above other petitions, like this one about Blood Diamonds, which sounds like a horrific clash of styles.”
Bloggers in the United States of America have been hit hardest by the change as the US economy is extremely vulnerable to changes of style, over substance. One noted sagely that “Ikea, they are Swedish aren’t they? I know that is in Norway so we need to picket the Swiss embassy right away.”
Verdana is a font designed and optimised for display on satirical websites that are only occasionally updated. Ikea is said to be leading the world in using such a font in print but the chaos brought about by the change has forced politicians at the highest level to wade into the debate. And MEPs.
“This issue, whatever it is, is an important issue, and one that I shall go onto Fox News and talk about,” said Daniel Hannan, MEP for Shitting in His Own Bed in South East England. “Ikea is a 60 year old mistake of immigration. Enoch was right when he said ‘Chuck out the Chinks’”
“There is carnage everywhere, I can barely bring myself to look and am shuttered in doors shaking,” said Callum Billingsworth, a graphic designer from Camden in London, via Twitter. “Have you seen page 213? They have used red, bold Verdana, for God’s sake.”
The same story was repeated the world over. In the Mission area of San Francisco the early morning sun rising across the bay shone on rows of burnt out cars and overturned buses.“It’s worse than the Facebook riots of ’08, and the changed layout,” said one resident who did not wish to be named, since she had not painted her front door to complement her fence. “People were just torching things, and chanting ‘Move this a little bit to the left then!’”
In a bid to bring order to a world ripped apart as another pillar of middle-class society undergoes the inevitable pressure of change, an online petition has been created to allow people to anonymously assert their right to have no absolutely effect on a huge international corporation and its typeface.
“People think we can’t but we can really make a difference with this petition,” said Billingsworth logging into his iMac to sign-up. “We just need to raise the issue above other petitions, like this one about Blood Diamonds, which sounds like a horrific clash of styles.”
Bloggers in the United States of America have been hit hardest by the change as the US economy is extremely vulnerable to changes of style, over substance. One noted sagely that “Ikea, they are Swedish aren’t they? I know that is in Norway so we need to picket the Swiss embassy right away.”
Verdana is a font designed and optimised for display on satirical websites that are only occasionally updated. Ikea is said to be leading the world in using such a font in print but the chaos brought about by the change has forced politicians at the highest level to wade into the debate. And MEPs.
“This issue, whatever it is, is an important issue, and one that I shall go onto Fox News and talk about,” said Daniel Hannan, MEP for Shitting in His Own Bed in South East England. “Ikea is a 60 year old mistake of immigration. Enoch was right when he said ‘Chuck out the Chinks’”
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Record success for "tying a child to something"
News that Tiger Brewer has, at 8 years old, become the youngest person to be strapped to the wing of a plane has been warmly welcomed by “child-tying-up” enthusiasts around the world.
“We are confident that now the sub-ten year old taboo for strapping a child to something has been broken we can perhaps have a crack at the world record for the youngest person to be strapped to a phone box,” said child-tying-up enthusiast, Bill Billingsworth. “Or perhaps strapping them in a car seat using some sort of belt? The exciting possibilities to tie children up to something that is outside of their control anyway are endless.”
Tiger Brewer “walked” a total distance of zero feet from his stationary starting position – strapped in a harness in the middle of the wing - watched on by his sisters, Star and Flame. This equals the current best for modern wing walking since the technical variation “Being Strapped To a Plane” replaced the more conventional “Moving About Untethered” that many lay people associate with traditional wing WALKING.
“Strapping people to the wing is the modern way,” said Tiger’s father Happy Birthday Brewer. “There are only the same forms to fill in for a Health and Safety Assessment as for sitting in a plane. Which is about as risky.”
Tiger has practised hard to get the record for the youngest person Being Strapped To a Plane a task that involves standing up, aided, and perhaps wearing goggles.
“His preparation for Being Strapped To a Plane involved going out on a windy day in just a t-shirt,” said Tiger’s ridiculously named mother, Zoe. “He also managed to watch a whole episode of ‘Road Wars’ standing up.”
Child welfare enthusiasts have expressed their views on the issue regarding tying a child to a large and otherwise immovable object and the effect it could have on long term development.
“It’s great, as a parent you don’t know how great it is to strap a child to something like the 'Climbié Pole',” said Bill Billingsworth. “I have really developed my bluffing skills playing Texas Hold ‘em online - whilst the kids are tied up in the garden.”
“We are confident that now the sub-ten year old taboo for strapping a child to something has been broken we can perhaps have a crack at the world record for the youngest person to be strapped to a phone box,” said child-tying-up enthusiast, Bill Billingsworth. “Or perhaps strapping them in a car seat using some sort of belt? The exciting possibilities to tie children up to something that is outside of their control anyway are endless.”
Tiger Brewer “walked” a total distance of zero feet from his stationary starting position – strapped in a harness in the middle of the wing - watched on by his sisters, Star and Flame. This equals the current best for modern wing walking since the technical variation “Being Strapped To a Plane” replaced the more conventional “Moving About Untethered” that many lay people associate with traditional wing WALKING.“Strapping people to the wing is the modern way,” said Tiger’s father Happy Birthday Brewer. “There are only the same forms to fill in for a Health and Safety Assessment as for sitting in a plane. Which is about as risky.”
Tiger has practised hard to get the record for the youngest person Being Strapped To a Plane a task that involves standing up, aided, and perhaps wearing goggles.
“His preparation for Being Strapped To a Plane involved going out on a windy day in just a t-shirt,” said Tiger’s ridiculously named mother, Zoe. “He also managed to watch a whole episode of ‘Road Wars’ standing up.”
Child welfare enthusiasts have expressed their views on the issue regarding tying a child to a large and otherwise immovable object and the effect it could have on long term development.
“It’s great, as a parent you don’t know how great it is to strap a child to something like the 'Climbié Pole',” said Bill Billingsworth. “I have really developed my bluffing skills playing Texas Hold ‘em online - whilst the kids are tied up in the garden.”
Saturday, August 15, 2009
US Healthcare – “Best in the country” claims Glenn Beck
Fox News shouter, and part time anal surgery enthusiast, Glenn Beck shattered traditional right-wing stereotypes of insularism after announcing that the United States had the finest healthcare in the United States.
“Only last year I was complaining about the terrible treatment I received from the shocking healthcare system in this country. When I was paid by CNN,” foamed Mr Beck. “However now that I am paid by Fox I am pleased to say what a turnaround US healthcare has had in just over a year!. Now it is star-spangled banneringly brilliant. The US has the best healthcare system in the country.”
Mr Beck, famous for responding to his own contradictions was responding to comments he made in 2008 after undergoing life threatening bum-hole surgery that sadly went wrong. He survived.
Controversy has raged across America after a few people suggested that it might be quite a good idea for the richest country in the world to let a few less of its own citizens die by providing a greater access to healthcare. This has provoked a back-lash from the conservative right who feel that President Obama has taken a step too far along Comrade Bush’s nationalisation programme for the United Socialist States of America.
“I don’t think it is hyperbole to talk of ‘death panels’, we aren’t putting words into the President’s mouth,” said fellow high-octave trainee journalist Sean Hannity. “Death panels are no more a lie than the right’s plan to tow icebergs to the US coast for our ill senior citizens to be cast adrift on. They would be moored, not drifting.”
The mainstream conservative media has fomented screaming mobs in the USSA with horror stories of other countries’ healthcare systems that actually attempt to provide medical care as a basic human right. In particular it has heaped vitriol on the National Health Service of the UK aided by major political figures. And MEPs.
“Over two million people watched the first twenty seconds of my YouTube attack on Gordon Brown,” said Daniel Hannan MEP from his constituency in Victorian England. “They probably got up to the bit where I waved my hands around. Two million views makes me an expert on the NHS which I believe my porter used once when I was at Marlborough College.”
Hannan, whose ego has been a regular on US political shows since President Obama revealed his evil plan to help sick people, recently described healing millions of poor people since World War II as a “60 year old mistake”.
“As I said to the booker from Fox News, I am more than pleased to say how bad everything is on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I can do the radio show too,” said Mr Hannan. “Now, please let me past, I have just been to Walgreens for Mr Beck’s Anusol.”
It has been revealed that the surgery on the arse-hole Mr Beck had was to remove his head from his own ass.
“Only last year I was complaining about the terrible treatment I received from the shocking healthcare system in this country. When I was paid by CNN,” foamed Mr Beck. “However now that I am paid by Fox I am pleased to say what a turnaround US healthcare has had in just over a year!. Now it is star-spangled banneringly brilliant. The US has the best healthcare system in the country.”
Mr Beck, famous for responding to his own contradictions was responding to comments he made in 2008 after undergoing life threatening bum-hole surgery that sadly went wrong. He survived.
Controversy has raged across America after a few people suggested that it might be quite a good idea for the richest country in the world to let a few less of its own citizens die by providing a greater access to healthcare. This has provoked a back-lash from the conservative right who feel that President Obama has taken a step too far along Comrade Bush’s nationalisation programme for the United Socialist States of America.
“I don’t think it is hyperbole to talk of ‘death panels’, we aren’t putting words into the President’s mouth,” said fellow high-octave trainee journalist Sean Hannity. “Death panels are no more a lie than the right’s plan to tow icebergs to the US coast for our ill senior citizens to be cast adrift on. They would be moored, not drifting.”
The mainstream conservative media has fomented screaming mobs in the USSA with horror stories of other countries’ healthcare systems that actually attempt to provide medical care as a basic human right. In particular it has heaped vitriol on the National Health Service of the UK aided by major political figures. And MEPs.“Over two million people watched the first twenty seconds of my YouTube attack on Gordon Brown,” said Daniel Hannan MEP from his constituency in Victorian England. “They probably got up to the bit where I waved my hands around. Two million views makes me an expert on the NHS which I believe my porter used once when I was at Marlborough College.”
Hannan, whose ego has been a regular on US political shows since President Obama revealed his evil plan to help sick people, recently described healing millions of poor people since World War II as a “60 year old mistake”.
“As I said to the booker from Fox News, I am more than pleased to say how bad everything is on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I can do the radio show too,” said Mr Hannan. “Now, please let me past, I have just been to Walgreens for Mr Beck’s Anusol.”
It has been revealed that the surgery on the arse-hole Mr Beck had was to remove his head from his own ass.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Fears mount over a deadly mutation as Swine Flu contracts a dose of Katie Price
Katie Price’s PR firm, Orange Bandwagon, has announced that the glamour model, known as Jordan, has “so totally, absolutely got that Swine Flu that’s in the papers”.
Medical experts are said to be deeply concerned now that the previously harmless Swine Flu virus, having now contracted Katie Price, could mutate into a much more deadly sickness that could sweep through the nation.
“Our first analysis would be that symptoms would include the development of huge, unsightly swellings on the chest and the ability to project caustic venom like something out of the film Alien,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.
The government said that there was genuine reason to be alarmed as, whilst unlikely to be fatal, the virus could cause people to completely lose all sense of shame. Due to increases in bodily temperature sufferers will also be unable to keep their faces out of a trough of Champagne. Or their vaginas away from fans.
Not everyone is fearing the spread of this toxic, vomit-inducing malady that seems to be increasingly infecting the country. Disc Jockeys facing the end of both their youth and their residency in small clubs in the Balearic Islands were said to be looking forward to “catching a dose”.
DJ Grand-Rider Chill who is facing his final year on the Island of Menorca said that it might do well for local tourism . “I’ll probably be somewhere in a long queue to shag one of these new flu victims. It will be like banging a Space Hopper on a trampoline.”
Balding DJs aside, medical experts were adamant that a Jordan-Swine Flu hybrid would cause widespread sickness on a scale not seen since the outbreak of last year’s Mills-McCartney misery.
“The government will have to react quickly to contain the new strain which we have already named,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We are warning that tabloid newspapers are the perfect breeding ground to spread this new outbreak of Bitch Flu.”
The news of Katie Price’s illness was broken in a press release by Orange Bandwagon announcing the glamour model’s new range of Tamiflu based remedies. The new range is said to have no more ability than common Tamiflu but comes in a range of tasteless packages.
Medical experts are said to be deeply concerned now that the previously harmless Swine Flu virus, having now contracted Katie Price, could mutate into a much more deadly sickness that could sweep through the nation.“Our first analysis would be that symptoms would include the development of huge, unsightly swellings on the chest and the ability to project caustic venom like something out of the film Alien,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.
The government said that there was genuine reason to be alarmed as, whilst unlikely to be fatal, the virus could cause people to completely lose all sense of shame. Due to increases in bodily temperature sufferers will also be unable to keep their faces out of a trough of Champagne. Or their vaginas away from fans.
Not everyone is fearing the spread of this toxic, vomit-inducing malady that seems to be increasingly infecting the country. Disc Jockeys facing the end of both their youth and their residency in small clubs in the Balearic Islands were said to be looking forward to “catching a dose”.
DJ Grand-Rider Chill who is facing his final year on the Island of Menorca said that it might do well for local tourism . “I’ll probably be somewhere in a long queue to shag one of these new flu victims. It will be like banging a Space Hopper on a trampoline.”
Balding DJs aside, medical experts were adamant that a Jordan-Swine Flu hybrid would cause widespread sickness on a scale not seen since the outbreak of last year’s Mills-McCartney misery.
“The government will have to react quickly to contain the new strain which we have already named,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We are warning that tabloid newspapers are the perfect breeding ground to spread this new outbreak of Bitch Flu.”
The news of Katie Price’s illness was broken in a press release by Orange Bandwagon announcing the glamour model’s new range of Tamiflu based remedies. The new range is said to have no more ability than common Tamiflu but comes in a range of tasteless packages.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Football legend Sir Bobby Robson dies – The Sun calls on him to resign
Remembering footballing legend Sir Bobby Robson, the nation’s newspapers today mark the occasion by reproducing some of their most memorable quotes from his career that they littered with abuse and even accusations of treachery.
“’In the name of God, Go!’” was one of our headlines from a few years back,” said Harry Billingsworth, thirsty football hack and Donkey Porn aficionado at The Sun. “That was when Robson was at his best for us journalists.”
Pundits were not always so one sided in their treatment of an England manager too much of a gentleman to hit back. Indeed a different approach was taken when England drew with Saudi Arabia.
“Both us at the Super-Soaraway Sun and those guys at The Daily Mirror changed our approach significantly after that,” said Billingsworth. “We went with ‘In the name of Allah, Go!”.”
Over time the press came to further modify its approach to an England manager that many consider the most successful ever, taking England to a narrow defeat in a Word Cup semi-final penalty shoot-out.
“Brilliant doesn’t describe that match,” said Billingsworth. “To take the World Cup winners to a penalty shoot-out was fantastic. Almost made me feel sorry for my massive ‘Plonker!’ headline of a couple of years earlier. But not really.”
But, even as time passes and the same newspapers that heaped so much abuse in death now lead with lavish tributes to Robson, who sadly lost his fifth battle with cancer at the age of 76 this week, the more senior journalists remember him at the peak of his career.
“You can never forget some of the great times that we gave Bobby, we hounded him for years to quit as England manager,” said Billingsworth/ “And when he took the job at PSV Eindhoven we accused him of treachery. Great days!”
Scores of fans made their own tearful tributes to Sir Bobby at Newcastle United’s St James’s Park stadium, with many fans laying memorial tributes of shirts, flowers and banners.
“I were so shocked to hear of Sir Bobby’s passing, like,” said one tearful man dressed as a barcode. “I was having two weeks off work ‘cos some website said I might have Swine Flu and wanted to just lay a momento from the 2003/2004 season when the Toon Army should’ve won the World Cup,” he added laying down a handmade banner reading ‘Sack Robson NOW!’.
Retro memorabilia of Sir Bobby is something that the newspapers are also considering producing. The Sun newspaper said that the timing of Sir Bobby’s death was perfect for them to hand out more “Sack Robson!” badges from 1984.
“’In the name of God, Go!’” was one of our headlines from a few years back,” said Harry Billingsworth, thirsty football hack and Donkey Porn aficionado at The Sun. “That was when Robson was at his best for us journalists.”
Pundits were not always so one sided in their treatment of an England manager too much of a gentleman to hit back. Indeed a different approach was taken when England drew with Saudi Arabia.“Both us at the Super-Soaraway Sun and those guys at The Daily Mirror changed our approach significantly after that,” said Billingsworth. “We went with ‘In the name of Allah, Go!”.”
Over time the press came to further modify its approach to an England manager that many consider the most successful ever, taking England to a narrow defeat in a Word Cup semi-final penalty shoot-out.
“Brilliant doesn’t describe that match,” said Billingsworth. “To take the World Cup winners to a penalty shoot-out was fantastic. Almost made me feel sorry for my massive ‘Plonker!’ headline of a couple of years earlier. But not really.”
But, even as time passes and the same newspapers that heaped so much abuse in death now lead with lavish tributes to Robson, who sadly lost his fifth battle with cancer at the age of 76 this week, the more senior journalists remember him at the peak of his career.
“You can never forget some of the great times that we gave Bobby, we hounded him for years to quit as England manager,” said Billingsworth/ “And when he took the job at PSV Eindhoven we accused him of treachery. Great days!”
Scores of fans made their own tearful tributes to Sir Bobby at Newcastle United’s St James’s Park stadium, with many fans laying memorial tributes of shirts, flowers and banners.
“I were so shocked to hear of Sir Bobby’s passing, like,” said one tearful man dressed as a barcode. “I was having two weeks off work ‘cos some website said I might have Swine Flu and wanted to just lay a momento from the 2003/2004 season when the Toon Army should’ve won the World Cup,” he added laying down a handmade banner reading ‘Sack Robson NOW!’.
Retro memorabilia of Sir Bobby is something that the newspapers are also considering producing. The Sun newspaper said that the timing of Sir Bobby’s death was perfect for them to hand out more “Sack Robson!” badges from 1984.
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