Breakthrough device to help disinterested parents launched

A new device has been launched to help busy parents look after their children who refuse to "sit down and shut the fuck up" until they are old enough to drive their parents home from the pub. The device, developed by Matthews Parenting, has borrowed technology from the pole-dancing industry and is claimed to be a one-size fits all solution to the eternal problem of being interrupted with homework questions during X-Factor.

"I developed the 'Climbié Pole' after I realised that my young son was just pissing me off during 'I'm a Celebrity' and not yet being ten wasn't old enough for me to send out alone to the off-licence," explained entrepreneur Karen Billingsworth of Matthews Parenting.

The device is in the form of a large metal stake that can be fixed into the earth of a back garden or, more likely, bolted to the concrete of a betting shop car park. The child can then be safely chained to the pole and left to its own devices.

"We use only the finest grade metals, just like the railings outside our Tony's offender's centre before they disappeared," said Billingsworth. "The poles are guaranteed to last at least 15 years, which is longer than most of our customers' kids."

The devices come in several sizes ranging down to the Baby P-ole for those little bastards that constantly want a biscuit during 'Jeremy Kyle'.

"Following extensive market research into our customer base, we recommend the full size model which has enough capacity to chain up all of your bairns at once," said Ms Billingsworth. "For the more affluent bad parent we also have the collapsible ‘Algarve’ model, which is a travel pole for holidaymakers who absolutely don't want to be disturbed whilst eating tapas."

For the discerning parent who wants to know if the 'Climbié Pole' is not just another fad that will divert hard pressed benefit money from cans of Stella Artois, the company emphasises that the device has been certified by Haringey Social Services.