Speaking from an undisclosed location, a British secret agent, has launched a stinging attack on the UK’s mysterious espionage masters. The agent, who revealed himself as “Deux Blow Sven” said that he was frustrated by the new policies which he said were being driven by government budget cuts and environmental concerns.
“Many people think it is all a life of fast cars, yachts, and expensive hotels,” he said. “Those days are long gone and, frankly it is starting to affect the way we operate.”
‘Sven’ revealed that as part of his recent investigations he had been required to travel from London to Frankfurt, to follow the trail of a master-criminal planning on holding the GPS system to ransom.
“Well it was all a bit more stressful than in the past. Previously I would just turn up at the airport smelling of the perfume of last night’s conquest covered in the blood of my last victim,” he reminisced. “This time I had to have an early night because of the need to get the first off-peak Stansted Express, “said an exasperated agent. “Then I found out that my tickets were booked on Ryan Air. I carry a lot of … er … specialised equipment, so this took some sorting out.”
Whilst his suspect had flown into Frankfurt’s main airport, ‘Deux Blow Sven‘, on Ryan Air landed in Frankfurt Hahn airport.
“Yes, that was a problem, my tracking devices that I had planted in his suitcase, only have a range of 50 km, nowhere close enough to a city for a Ryan Air flight,” explained the agent. “Of course having to take the bus into Frankfurt to my Travelodge added another couple of hours.”
‘Deux Blow Sven’ had given up all hope of tracking down the Super-villain until a chance meeting at a cybercafé in the city centre put him back on the trail.
“Yes, we had a laugh about it. Before I killed him!” smiled the British Spy. “It turned out SMERSH has implemented a sophisticated, but bureaucratic, carbon offsetting system and my target was having a nightmare calculating the emissions from his stolen Arianne space rockets.”
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