A study into the effects of physical violence has revealed that kicking can cause serious injury. Sharp objects, such as knives, were also found to cause serious wounds.
These surprise findings came after a year of research into the effects of various methods of assault. "It has been the hardest year of medical investigations I have been involved with," said Darren Wirlsthob, one of five members of the study group.
"Medical research is difficult, but is most difficult when you are dealing with the randomness of physical violence, often influenced by alcohol consumption, " explained Mr Wirlsthob "In fact that was one of the most difficult aspects to deal with, it seemed it was always after a few beers that the Professor wanted to test his steel-toecapped boots."
Mr Wirlsthob, speaking today from his bed in Cardiff Royal Infirmary after the end of the trial, gave an insight into the complexities of normalising the data. "We had to allow for the variance not only in alcohol consumption but how much the Professor had lost at the dogs."
The trial was brought to an end when Professor J. Scott Billingsworth failed to gain extra funding for his research into the physical effects of violence.
"That was a particularly difficult day, " whinced Darren, pointing to the cast on his left leg. "Losing our funding brought my involvement in such important research to an end. Well that and the second broken leg that I sustained shortly after the funding decision was announced."
It was revealed that the research group had held its final meeting waiting for the ambulances to arrive to take the group to hospital. Two of the team have yet to regain consciousness whilst a third refused to talk to anyone "In case that bloody mad man is with them" possibly referring to Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.
The Professor himself, a controversial figure in the study of the anatomy of violence, is unrepentant about his methods that have led to not only the complete hospitalisation of his second research team, but also being banned from keeping livestock and must remain more than 100 yards from any carol singers.
"What else are undergraduates for? You know everyone complains that A-Levels are too easy, well I can tell you the students find my university courses hard. The puffs." bellowed Professor Billingsworth through his cell door. "I shall carry on. I can't use livestock, no more free researchers, but i can get the results I need from the next time Millwall play Cardiff."
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query professor j, scott billingsworth. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query professor j, scott billingsworth. Sort by date Show all posts
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, June 25, 2007
Britain unveils GPS replacement
The Ordnance Survey today revealed its plans to produce a replacement for the ageing Global Positioning System (GPS) in common use for both military and civilian navigation. The new system, seen as a cost-effective alternative to the troubled European Galileo system, has a working title of Pub Orientated Wayfinding (POW).
At the unveiling of the project in the prestigious surroundings of the Grosvenor Hotel, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth said that the system will fit more neatly with true human behaviour than the existing GPS or planned Galileo system.
"When we ask someone for directions, we don’t want a long list involving distances and turns, because we can never remember them." explained controversial behavioural scientist Professor Billingsworth. "The directions that are most successful are those that are related to our easy-to-find local landmarks, such as today as we stand in the Grosvenor, or ‘Just up the road from the Hogshead Pub’ as POW would tell us."
The Professor explained that many people were frustrated that whilst the existing GPS provided clear and concise directions, it does not work very well for providing people with a sense of where they are and provides no help when they do become lost.
"You could be anywhere in the world when the directions are simply ‘turn left in 100 metres’," he said. "So you can’t stop and ask someone directions. However when POW tells you that you need to ‘turn right at the Prince Albert and follow the road then take the next turning left after the Rat and Parrot’ then you know roughly where the Bowling alley is."
The POW team plans to keep their database continually updated to provide ever more granular landmarks that are both useful to the traveller and any locals that he might encounter whilst trying to get to his location.
"When you are lost, if you explain the POW directions to a bystander they will of course know what you mean, unlike current GPS based directions," said the Professor. "The POW database will contain useful waypoints such as a group of kids hanging around outside a nearby McDonalds or the police riot van watching them from the corner."
The POW project has plans for a nation-wide rollout early next year, and is currently evaluating the prospects for international versions.
"The initial launch of the system will cover the UK only," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "However we may extend the system to less civilised nations, in the event that British ex-pats find enough suitable hostelries for the database."
At the unveiling of the project in the prestigious surroundings of the Grosvenor Hotel, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth said that the system will fit more neatly with true human behaviour than the existing GPS or planned Galileo system.
"When we ask someone for directions, we don’t want a long list involving distances and turns, because we can never remember them." explained controversial behavioural scientist Professor Billingsworth. "The directions that are most successful are those that are related to our easy-to-find local landmarks, such as today as we stand in the Grosvenor, or ‘Just up the road from the Hogshead Pub’ as POW would tell us."
The Professor explained that many people were frustrated that whilst the existing GPS provided clear and concise directions, it does not work very well for providing people with a sense of where they are and provides no help when they do become lost.
"You could be anywhere in the world when the directions are simply ‘turn left in 100 metres’," he said. "So you can’t stop and ask someone directions. However when POW tells you that you need to ‘turn right at the Prince Albert and follow the road then take the next turning left after the Rat and Parrot’ then you know roughly where the Bowling alley is."
The POW team plans to keep their database continually updated to provide ever more granular landmarks that are both useful to the traveller and any locals that he might encounter whilst trying to get to his location.
"When you are lost, if you explain the POW directions to a bystander they will of course know what you mean, unlike current GPS based directions," said the Professor. "The POW database will contain useful waypoints such as a group of kids hanging around outside a nearby McDonalds or the police riot van watching them from the corner."
The POW project has plans for a nation-wide rollout early next year, and is currently evaluating the prospects for international versions.
"The initial launch of the system will cover the UK only," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "However we may extend the system to less civilised nations, in the event that British ex-pats find enough suitable hostelries for the database."
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Time Travelling tourists relax with a coffee
A recent paper from researchers at the University of Liverpool has provided evidence for the future development of time travel. Controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed the findings after a 5 year study into archival photographs and video evidence.
“We took the position that if time travel was possible then at some point it would be achieved,” he said. “Therefore in the future people must have started coming back in time. Or should I say ’must start coming back in time’. The reason the report took so long to write was getting the tense correct!” he quipped.
“We envisaged that future historians, or even time travelling tourists would be the first to want to see great vents first hand. Not only were we successful we can also solve some long-standing mysteries.” announced the Professor at a news conference at Liverpool’s Adelphi hotel.
“Careful scrutiny of the famous footage taken by Abraham Zapruder of the assassination of President Kennedy shows a large number of people using mobile phones to record the events from the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza.” he said showing a series of still photographs.
“We can also say that there was no second gun-man on the grassy knoll as such a shooting position has now become, in 1963, obscured by a Starbucks coffee shop as shown in other photos taken at the time.”
Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed that the supposed paparazzi chasing Diana, Princess of Wales, through the Pont de l'Alma tunnel were in fact Daily Express photographers after exclusive photos for the newspaper’s 100th anniversary 275 page special report to be published in 2097.
Following Professor Billingsworth’s revelations other researchers have discovered that time travelling tourists of the future visited the Battle of Hastings in 1066. Students of the section of the Bayeux Tapestry depicting King Harold’s death have discovered a pictogram of a Japanese tourist in shorts with a digital camera standing outside Starbucks.
The Starbucks Corporation, whose first shop opened in 1971, refused to comment on any future plans to use time machines to expand their chain of coffee shops into the past once they have a coffee shop in every location in the present.
“We took the position that if time travel was possible then at some point it would be achieved,” he said. “Therefore in the future people must have started coming back in time. Or should I say ’must start coming back in time’. The reason the report took so long to write was getting the tense correct!” he quipped.
“We envisaged that future historians, or even time travelling tourists would be the first to want to see great vents first hand. Not only were we successful we can also solve some long-standing mysteries.” announced the Professor at a news conference at Liverpool’s Adelphi hotel.
“Careful scrutiny of the famous footage taken by Abraham Zapruder of the assassination of President Kennedy shows a large number of people using mobile phones to record the events from the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza.” he said showing a series of still photographs.
“We can also say that there was no second gun-man on the grassy knoll as such a shooting position has now become, in 1963, obscured by a Starbucks coffee shop as shown in other photos taken at the time.”
Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed that the supposed paparazzi chasing Diana, Princess of Wales, through the Pont de l'Alma tunnel were in fact Daily Express photographers after exclusive photos for the newspaper’s 100th anniversary 275 page special report to be published in 2097.
Following Professor Billingsworth’s revelations other researchers have discovered that time travelling tourists of the future visited the Battle of Hastings in 1066. Students of the section of the Bayeux Tapestry depicting King Harold’s death have discovered a pictogram of a Japanese tourist in shorts with a digital camera standing outside Starbucks.The Starbucks Corporation, whose first shop opened in 1971, refused to comment on any future plans to use time machines to expand their chain of coffee shops into the past once they have a coffee shop in every location in the present.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
UK’s most evil man named
Herbert Billingsworth of Wakefield, West Yorkshire, has been named as the UK’s most evil man and the country’s entrant into the ‘Evil Eight’ competition. The competition aims to identify a modern ‘Hall of shame’ for the most diabolical people in history and is the brainchild of controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth (no relation).
"I was inspired by the New Seven Wonders campaign and decided that we needed to update the traditional Rogue’s Gallery," explained Professor Billingsworth. "We need to get rid of the Genghis Khans and King Herods and bring the whole directory of evil up to date."
People across the UK cast their votes via phone, text and over the Internet and Herbert Billingsworth was announced the surprise winner, ahead of early favourites such as Fred West, Dr Harold Shipman and Richard Branson.
Mr Billingsworth spent most of the competition languishing near the bottom of the poll despite his history of owning a string of Mitsubishi Shogun 4x4 vehicles and leaving his TV on ‘standby’ overnight. Even the revelation that he had been fined for smoking in a public place only raised him to fifth position. However it was the public outcry surrounding the tabloid pictures of Billingsworth purchasing a patio heater that secured his victory as the UK’s Most Evil Man.
Mr Billingsworth will now go into a Europe wide play-off to be the continent’s contender into the worldwide ‘Evil Eight’ competition, the winner of which will be announced on the 8th August 2008.
Herbert said he was not worried about facing the best that Europe could offer and was indeed looking forward to the challenge.
"Well as far as I am aware Hitler never owned a patio heater and whilst Stalin hated evening drinks in the cold of Siberia, the Moskvitch 410 4x4 only had a 35 horse power engine," he said.
When asked how he would fair when competing with the less middle class crimes of mass murder and torture, Mr Billingsworth remained confident.
"I spent 25 years as a lorry driver. You don’t think all those off-cuts of carpets I bought were to redo the study do you?" he said with a smile. "I will take the judges to a few roadside ditches I know."
"I was inspired by the New Seven Wonders campaign and decided that we needed to update the traditional Rogue’s Gallery," explained Professor Billingsworth. "We need to get rid of the Genghis Khans and King Herods and bring the whole directory of evil up to date."
People across the UK cast their votes via phone, text and over the Internet and Herbert Billingsworth was announced the surprise winner, ahead of early favourites such as Fred West, Dr Harold Shipman and Richard Branson.
Mr Billingsworth spent most of the competition languishing near the bottom of the poll despite his history of owning a string of Mitsubishi Shogun 4x4 vehicles and leaving his TV on ‘standby’ overnight. Even the revelation that he had been fined for smoking in a public place only raised him to fifth position. However it was the public outcry surrounding the tabloid pictures of Billingsworth purchasing a patio heater that secured his victory as the UK’s Most Evil Man.
Mr Billingsworth will now go into a Europe wide play-off to be the continent’s contender into the worldwide ‘Evil Eight’ competition, the winner of which will be announced on the 8th August 2008.
Herbert said he was not worried about facing the best that Europe could offer and was indeed looking forward to the challenge.
"Well as far as I am aware Hitler never owned a patio heater and whilst Stalin hated evening drinks in the cold of Siberia, the Moskvitch 410 4x4 only had a 35 horse power engine," he said.
When asked how he would fair when competing with the less middle class crimes of mass murder and torture, Mr Billingsworth remained confident.
"I spent 25 years as a lorry driver. You don’t think all those off-cuts of carpets I bought were to redo the study do you?" he said with a smile. "I will take the judges to a few roadside ditches I know."
Friday, September 21, 2007
Pope's message played backwards reveals “confessional song lyrics”
Scientist's at the Jeremy Kyle Institute for behavioural research have published startling findings into analysis of Pope Benedict XVI’s Easter blessing. The traditional papal message, given from the balcony of St Peter's Basilica in the Vatican was broadcast to over a hundred countries and an estimated 4 billion people. Researchers have found what they believe are secret messages encoded in the blessing using the technique known as ‘backmasking’. This technique is said to be the intentional placement of messages that can only be revealed by playing the recording backwards and sometimes at a different speed.
"Normally the techinque is used by rock bands to plant satanic messages, but it seems the Vatican are getting in on the act," said controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth who led the research team."Once we identified that the recording needed to be slowed to seven-eighths of its original speed and have a quarter second echo added the messages became clear,"
"So far we have found dozens of references to song lyrics, from the Beatles to The Platters and Pink Floyd, to name but a few. " explained the Professor. "The phrase 'Worship the Lord for He said I am the Walrus' is mentioned several times as is 'Money, that's all we want'.
The researchers say that Pope Benedict may be using the hidden messages as a form of confession and an opportunity for the Church of Rome to divest itself of its sins.
"At one point the message 'Oh yes, I'm the great pretender' is followed by 'Hey Preacher, leave them kids alone', said Professor Billingsworth. 'There is a short gap and then 'Nothing is Real' can clearly be heard as though in a tortured scream."
To highlight the level of complexity, the researchers believe that the Pope makes reference to the supposed death of McCartney, itself said to be revealed by backmasked messages.
"Perhaps Pope Benedict is trying to tell us that what we believe about the celebration of other mythical deaths is also a hoax," said Billingsworth. "At several points he clearly says 'Turn me on dead man' a key phrase from the backmasked song 'Revolution 9' and clearly referring to the myths of the death of Christ."
The most startling revelation appears in the final section of the reversed recording (the start when played forwards).
"It is the most elaborate as it resembles a Gregorian chant, and the former Cardinal Ratzenberger uses it to extol "I am the Hitler Youth, join any group to advance".
The research team is moving on to other recordings from religious leaders but says that the ones from Islamic preachers are much more straightforward.
"Most of them sound the same backwards as they do forwards," said Professor Billingsworth. "They are just composed of an endless loop screaming 'Kill all the infidel'."
"Normally the techinque is used by rock bands to plant satanic messages, but it seems the Vatican are getting in on the act," said controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth who led the research team."Once we identified that the recording needed to be slowed to seven-eighths of its original speed and have a quarter second echo added the messages became clear,"
"So far we have found dozens of references to song lyrics, from the Beatles to The Platters and Pink Floyd, to name but a few. " explained the Professor. "The phrase 'Worship the Lord for He said I am the Walrus' is mentioned several times as is 'Money, that's all we want'.
The researchers say that Pope Benedict may be using the hidden messages as a form of confession and an opportunity for the Church of Rome to divest itself of its sins.
"At one point the message 'Oh yes, I'm the great pretender' is followed by 'Hey Preacher, leave them kids alone', said Professor Billingsworth. 'There is a short gap and then 'Nothing is Real' can clearly be heard as though in a tortured scream."
To highlight the level of complexity, the researchers believe that the Pope makes reference to the supposed death of McCartney, itself said to be revealed by backmasked messages.
"Perhaps Pope Benedict is trying to tell us that what we believe about the celebration of other mythical deaths is also a hoax," said Billingsworth. "At several points he clearly says 'Turn me on dead man' a key phrase from the backmasked song 'Revolution 9' and clearly referring to the myths of the death of Christ."
The most startling revelation appears in the final section of the reversed recording (the start when played forwards).
"It is the most elaborate as it resembles a Gregorian chant, and the former Cardinal Ratzenberger uses it to extol "I am the Hitler Youth, join any group to advance".
The research team is moving on to other recordings from religious leaders but says that the ones from Islamic preachers are much more straightforward.
"Most of them sound the same backwards as they do forwards," said Professor Billingsworth. "They are just composed of an endless loop screaming 'Kill all the infidel'."
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Scientists hail discovery of new emotion
Scientists have heralded the discovery of a new emotion by a researcher at the Kyle University in Birmingham.
“Following a year long study it has become clear that in addition to the traditional emotions of anger, fear, love and so on, there is very definitely another powerful driver of the human psyche” stated controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.
The Professor, recently released from a custodial sentence for aggravated assault, explained how he approached his work.
“Due to court-orders preventing me conducting research directly on my assistants, I proceeded to observe my fellow researchers as they conducted their daily tasks on their own projects. It became apparent to me that as their projects developed and they experienced successes and failure, they clearly experienced a new emotion that I have called ‘futilation’.”
The Professor revealed that the new emotion, whilst outwardly similar to existing ones, appears to be specifically found within the scientific research community itself.
“This emotion is best described as experiencing frustration that your best efforts are being expended on a futile exercise,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “This exercise might be one that is being repeatedly described to you as of high importance, but that you realise is at best only ever going to be appreciated by those close to you, and at worst costs you your marriage and wastes your youth. Being futilated is a very destructive state to be in.”
When questioned as to the actual usefulness of this research Professor Billingsworth reacted angrily.
“You see, right now I am experiencing raging futilation, just like when my budget was cut on my research into violence. Shortly before I was convicted.”
Within 24 hours of the announcement of the discovery, a new specialist firm of solicitors was advertising on UK Gold offering help with personal injury claims for anyone futilated at work.
“Following a year long study it has become clear that in addition to the traditional emotions of anger, fear, love and so on, there is very definitely another powerful driver of the human psyche” stated controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.
The Professor, recently released from a custodial sentence for aggravated assault, explained how he approached his work.
“Due to court-orders preventing me conducting research directly on my assistants, I proceeded to observe my fellow researchers as they conducted their daily tasks on their own projects. It became apparent to me that as their projects developed and they experienced successes and failure, they clearly experienced a new emotion that I have called ‘futilation’.”
The Professor revealed that the new emotion, whilst outwardly similar to existing ones, appears to be specifically found within the scientific research community itself.
“This emotion is best described as experiencing frustration that your best efforts are being expended on a futile exercise,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “This exercise might be one that is being repeatedly described to you as of high importance, but that you realise is at best only ever going to be appreciated by those close to you, and at worst costs you your marriage and wastes your youth. Being futilated is a very destructive state to be in.”
When questioned as to the actual usefulness of this research Professor Billingsworth reacted angrily.
“You see, right now I am experiencing raging futilation, just like when my budget was cut on my research into violence. Shortly before I was convicted.”
Within 24 hours of the announcement of the discovery, a new specialist firm of solicitors was advertising on UK Gold offering help with personal injury claims for anyone futilated at work.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Survey finds Ben 10 Ultimate Omnitrix “best educational toy this Christmas”
As retailers across the land attempt to convince us that they are reluctantly just satisfying the huge demand for Christmas sections in summer, a new survey has revealed the must-have new educational toys that will be available this year.
“The results really are both interesting and unexpected,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth the famed behavioural scientist presenting the survey at a press conference today. “We asked lots of randomly selected, independent visitors to our website which gifts had the most educational value. Turns out that Ben 10 won by a long way.”
The survey, which all children taking the survey said should be “like really totally reported in next weekend’s Sunday papers”, was conducted by the children’s education specialist website, “buytoys4kids.com”. It asked all visitors under 15 to rate the likely Christmas best sellers in terms of their educational value.
“I think that the Ben 10 Lego Swampfire will help me understand the environmental impact of the oil spill in Florida,” said Callum, aged 12. “And anyway Kyle hasn’t got it and will be dead jealous.”
Professor Billingsworth, hired to help newspaper Journalists, who may suffer from being Humanities graduates, fully understand the scientific background of the survey, said that in fact Ben 10 was by far and away the leading educational toy for years.
“Well the first 5 places have been taken up with Ben 10 toys. And places 6 and 8,” said Billingsworth. “The Big Chill Lego figure is especially educational at just £10.97 with free P&P.”
buytoys4kids.com celebrated the results of the survey by offering an Animal Welfare pack that includes the “My Little Pony Show Stable” for all purchases over £50.
“Christmas 2010 is going to be the most educational yet,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We have another survey that demonstrates the adult education benefit of an iPhone4. With unlimited text bundle.”
“The results really are both interesting and unexpected,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth the famed behavioural scientist presenting the survey at a press conference today. “We asked lots of randomly selected, independent visitors to our website which gifts had the most educational value. Turns out that Ben 10 won by a long way.”
The survey, which all children taking the survey said should be “like really totally reported in next weekend’s Sunday papers”, was conducted by the children’s education specialist website, “buytoys4kids.com”. It asked all visitors under 15 to rate the likely Christmas best sellers in terms of their educational value.
“I think that the Ben 10 Lego Swampfire will help me understand the environmental impact of the oil spill in Florida,” said Callum, aged 12. “And anyway Kyle hasn’t got it and will be dead jealous.”
Professor Billingsworth, hired to help newspaper Journalists, who may suffer from being Humanities graduates, fully understand the scientific background of the survey, said that in fact Ben 10 was by far and away the leading educational toy for years.“Well the first 5 places have been taken up with Ben 10 toys. And places 6 and 8,” said Billingsworth. “The Big Chill Lego figure is especially educational at just £10.97 with free P&P.”
buytoys4kids.com celebrated the results of the survey by offering an Animal Welfare pack that includes the “My Little Pony Show Stable” for all purchases over £50.
“Christmas 2010 is going to be the most educational yet,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We have another survey that demonstrates the adult education benefit of an iPhone4. With unlimited text bundle.”
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Scientists admit to Cold Fusion Hoax delay
Leading members of the physics community working on the latest Cold Fusion Hoax today revealed that they are at least 2 years behind schedule.
"We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good."
The Cold Fusion Hoax is the Holy Grail of science reporters up and down the land who are keen to file thousands of words of copy with scientific looking diagrams, references to Star Trek and pictures of the 'Mr Fusion' from Back to the Future. Stories can endlessly be written about limitless clean power, the return to poverty of the Arabs, Bluebirds wheeling through a perfectly clear sky and an end to the frustration of running out of batteries for a vibrator. However as society becomes more technically adept it becomes more difficult to produce a good Hoax without actually inventing the technology itself.
"Back in the day we used to just be able to mix up a few chemicals in test-tubes and let it boil some water in a tank," said Professor Billingsworth. "We could claim it was caused by anything as long as the pictures showed a device as convincing as whatever Davros would use to destroy a planet. Now, what with Wikipedia and that programme QI on the telly, Joe Punter knows as much as a PhD researcher from Loughborough University."
The Physics community has long relied on the Cold Fusion Hoax as a way of generating more funding for ever bigger and more impressive machines for research into hot fusion, the very thing that Cold Fusion itself would obviate the need for.
"Every physicist on the planet wants to play with the atom-smashers. They want to be able to tell people that "today I created something hotter than the sun, two miles below Switzerland'," said the Professor. "It was what made science the new rock and roll. After all scientists have plenty of drugs. But little sex."
The science community now believes that even the recent news that the Science and Technology Facilities Council (STFC) had run out of 50p pieces for the big Gemini telescopes would be unlikely to provide enough stimulus for a proper go at the Cold Fusion Hoax. Physicists are now looking to their old foes in genetic research for the over-hyped mega-invention that will lead to an increased flow of funding.
"Atoms are bloody expensive you know, and when the scientists are really sexed up they can smash literally dozens of them in a single day – it's a costly business," said Professor Billingsworth. "I think someone in a lab is going to have to make a cross between a songbird and a drug-crazed ape, or a miracle hair-growth drug or something."
LATE BREAKING NEWS:
Researchers at the Gorilla-Parrot Breeding Institute in Enfield are to convene a press conference tomorrow on the 'Origins of Amy Winehouse.'
"We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good."
The Cold Fusion Hoax is the Holy Grail of science reporters up and down the land who are keen to file thousands of words of copy with scientific looking diagrams, references to Star Trek and pictures of the 'Mr Fusion' from Back to the Future. Stories can endlessly be written about limitless clean power, the return to poverty of the Arabs, Bluebirds wheeling through a perfectly clear sky and an end to the frustration of running out of batteries for a vibrator. However as society becomes more technically adept it becomes more difficult to produce a good Hoax without actually inventing the technology itself.
"Back in the day we used to just be able to mix up a few chemicals in test-tubes and let it boil some water in a tank," said Professor Billingsworth. "We could claim it was caused by anything as long as the pictures showed a device as convincing as whatever Davros would use to destroy a planet. Now, what with Wikipedia and that programme QI on the telly, Joe Punter knows as much as a PhD researcher from Loughborough University."The Physics community has long relied on the Cold Fusion Hoax as a way of generating more funding for ever bigger and more impressive machines for research into hot fusion, the very thing that Cold Fusion itself would obviate the need for.
"Every physicist on the planet wants to play with the atom-smashers. They want to be able to tell people that "today I created something hotter than the sun, two miles below Switzerland'," said the Professor. "It was what made science the new rock and roll. After all scientists have plenty of drugs. But little sex."
The science community now believes that even the recent news that the Science and Technology Facilities Council (STFC) had run out of 50p pieces for the big Gemini telescopes would be unlikely to provide enough stimulus for a proper go at the Cold Fusion Hoax. Physicists are now looking to their old foes in genetic research for the over-hyped mega-invention that will lead to an increased flow of funding.
"Atoms are bloody expensive you know, and when the scientists are really sexed up they can smash literally dozens of them in a single day – it's a costly business," said Professor Billingsworth. "I think someone in a lab is going to have to make a cross between a songbird and a drug-crazed ape, or a miracle hair-growth drug or something."
LATE BREAKING NEWS:
Researchers at the Gorilla-Parrot Breeding Institute in Enfield are to convene a press conference tomorrow on the 'Origins of Amy Winehouse.'
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Society Declares Everything Is Now Free
A new era has finally dawned, we are now living the “Star Trek” future were there is no need for money, people just enjoy their hobbies and food appears out of nowhere. These are the findings of a weeklong study from groups of field researchers taking in England’s most significant cities. And Manchester.
“Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.”
The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of its mind and setting fire to Carpet Right – such as 8 packs of Stella Artois and some firelighters knicked from the Co-op
“Previously most people have only been able to take part in this new free society via the Internet. We have been free for years simply taking music, or movies etc without the burden of paying for them. But technology had not progressed to where my material desires could be so easily realised in the physical world,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “Then, last Monday, we discovered I was able to ‘hack’ the window of Currys with a brick. Suddenly everything was free. Now I can watch Eamonn Holmes in HD. ”
Professor Billingsworth said that it was early days yet to see how the new economy will function now that everything is free. Critics have complained that someone must work to make things, whether physical or not, and that this new model may ultimately be unsustainable if the people making things aren’t paid for their efforts.
“Well, I don’t know how they aren’t making money out of trainers, I mean I did. If they don’t like making trainers they can try something else. Now I have an HD TV I’d quite like a new Blu-Ray player, so they could make me one of those instead,” said the Professor. “Although they’ll need to build me a new outlet first, since I burned the previous shop down when I left.”
“Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.”
The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of its mind and setting fire to Carpet Right – such as 8 packs of Stella Artois and some firelighters knicked from the Co-op
“Previously most people have only been able to take part in this new free society via the Internet. We have been free for years simply taking music, or movies etc without the burden of paying for them. But technology had not progressed to where my material desires could be so easily realised in the physical world,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “Then, last Monday, we discovered I was able to ‘hack’ the window of Currys with a brick. Suddenly everything was free. Now I can watch Eamonn Holmes in HD. ”
Professor Billingsworth said that it was early days yet to see how the new economy will function now that everything is free. Critics have complained that someone must work to make things, whether physical or not, and that this new model may ultimately be unsustainable if the people making things aren’t paid for their efforts.
“Well, I don’t know how they aren’t making money out of trainers, I mean I did. If they don’t like making trainers they can try something else. Now I have an HD TV I’d quite like a new Blu-Ray player, so they could make me one of those instead,” said the Professor. “Although they’ll need to build me a new outlet first, since I burned the previous shop down when I left.”
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Fat gene enabler identified
Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake.
"The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the research team, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Not only that but during the research we collected enough free burger tokens to keep the population of Glasgow fed for at least 10 minutes. We have about a billion tokens."
The researchers say that those desperate for a reason to cancel their gym membership should check for symptoms which include a compulsion to queue outside a Gregg's Pasty shop and spasms of the nervous system around a salad bar.
A group of very large campaigners welcomed the news from the research team and said that it made an even more compelling case for cream cakes to be made available on the NHS.
"It is such a relief that it is an evolutionary trait dating back hundreds of thousands of years that compels me to drive the few miles to my nearest pub and order six packets of pork scratchings. Three times a day," panted Michaela Billingsworth of the 'Fat and Fit' campaign from the steps of 10 Downing Street. "Oh Jesus, I need a sit down. And a mars bar."
The research team however revealed that there was a statistical link between sufferers of excess LRDY production and the millions of people who suffer from the mental condition known as being 'big boned'.
"Despite the historic discovery made last year, it is clear that being big-boned is a mental disorder," said Professor Billingsworth. "The statistics show that 93% of 'big boned’ sufferers answered positively to the research question 'Would you like fries with that?'"
The LRDY gene exists to a greater or lesser degree in all of us, said the research team, however other proteins in the DNA chain regulate it.
"What is clear is that a person's susceptibility to LRDY is directly related to the production of the protein responsible for the American accent," said Billingsworth.
"The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the research team, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Not only that but during the research we collected enough free burger tokens to keep the population of Glasgow fed for at least 10 minutes. We have about a billion tokens."
The researchers say that those desperate for a reason to cancel their gym membership should check for symptoms which include a compulsion to queue outside a Gregg's Pasty shop and spasms of the nervous system around a salad bar.A group of very large campaigners welcomed the news from the research team and said that it made an even more compelling case for cream cakes to be made available on the NHS.
"It is such a relief that it is an evolutionary trait dating back hundreds of thousands of years that compels me to drive the few miles to my nearest pub and order six packets of pork scratchings. Three times a day," panted Michaela Billingsworth of the 'Fat and Fit' campaign from the steps of 10 Downing Street. "Oh Jesus, I need a sit down. And a mars bar."
The research team however revealed that there was a statistical link between sufferers of excess LRDY production and the millions of people who suffer from the mental condition known as being 'big boned'.
"Despite the historic discovery made last year, it is clear that being big-boned is a mental disorder," said Professor Billingsworth. "The statistics show that 93% of 'big boned’ sufferers answered positively to the research question 'Would you like fries with that?'"
The LRDY gene exists to a greater or lesser degree in all of us, said the research team, however other proteins in the DNA chain regulate it.
"What is clear is that a person's susceptibility to LRDY is directly related to the production of the protein responsible for the American accent," said Billingsworth.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Threat to world vowel population
Today, literary climate experts published a report on the world's native vowel population. The report says that the common vowel is coming under pressure as their natural habitat is being steadily eroded.
“All over the world vowels are becoming harder and harder to find,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the reports authors. “With the spread of modern communications the vowel is coming under increasing pressure. The vowel is quite a sensitive creature and depends on a sophisticated set of conditions for it to flourish, unfortunately these conditions are the victims of our faster paced lifestyles and commerce.”
Experts believe that if current trends are continued the vowel may well be extinct as early as 2020. Globalisation is said to be driving force pushing the vowel towards oblivion.
“As western culture becomes ubiquitous we are finding an increase in global warming towards English, Industrialised English has decimated the vowel population at home and abroad,” said Professor Billingsworth.
The US has come under fire as being the largest single contributor to the destruction of the vowel, with American spellings leading to widespread devastation of previously successful colonies. In addition the vowel is now believed to be on the brink of extinction in instant messaging and SMS text message environments.
“One of the key reasons the US would not ratify the Kyoto Protocol is the extended vowel usage and their belief that technology can produce image based communication. Enforcing vowel quotas is cumbersome and a drag on the US economy,” explained Billingsworth at a press conference at the Jeremy Kyle University.
Scientists say that the future of the vowel may be in captive breading programmes and the successful release of new groups back into the environment. Precipitous coastal escarpments are seeing a veritable vertiginous increase in proclivity towards the water vowel, for example.
“A lot of good work has been done in Wales,” explained Billingsworth. “In fact it has been so successful that there are far more vowels than necessary in any given sentence in Welsh.”
“All over the world vowels are becoming harder and harder to find,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the reports authors. “With the spread of modern communications the vowel is coming under increasing pressure. The vowel is quite a sensitive creature and depends on a sophisticated set of conditions for it to flourish, unfortunately these conditions are the victims of our faster paced lifestyles and commerce.”Experts believe that if current trends are continued the vowel may well be extinct as early as 2020. Globalisation is said to be driving force pushing the vowel towards oblivion.
“As western culture becomes ubiquitous we are finding an increase in global warming towards English, Industrialised English has decimated the vowel population at home and abroad,” said Professor Billingsworth.
The US has come under fire as being the largest single contributor to the destruction of the vowel, with American spellings leading to widespread devastation of previously successful colonies. In addition the vowel is now believed to be on the brink of extinction in instant messaging and SMS text message environments.
“One of the key reasons the US would not ratify the Kyoto Protocol is the extended vowel usage and their belief that technology can produce image based communication. Enforcing vowel quotas is cumbersome and a drag on the US economy,” explained Billingsworth at a press conference at the Jeremy Kyle University.
Scientists say that the future of the vowel may be in captive breading programmes and the successful release of new groups back into the environment. Precipitous coastal escarpments are seeing a veritable vertiginous increase in proclivity towards the water vowel, for example.
“A lot of good work has been done in Wales,” explained Billingsworth. “In fact it has been so successful that there are far more vowels than necessary in any given sentence in Welsh.”
Thursday, December 07, 2006
4x4 vehicles “demonstrate penis envy”
Published today are the findings into a study on the motivations of 4x4 drivers. The surge in the numbers of these urbanised off road vehicles has prompted many theories into the merits or otherwise of these behemoths of private transportation. The report details a direct link between the 4x4 and sexuality.
“The motor car is a representation of our public image and a projection of our ego,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, leader of the research team. “It has long been accepted that the car represents the silent projection of our ego to strangers. Feminists for years have pointed to the psychological projection of the big powerful sports car as compensation for men who may feel threatened about the prowess of their manhood. Our new study shows that indeed this trend continues with 4x4 vehicles.”
“The 4x4 represents a bullying, macho presence on the road. It intimidates other road users and is territorial in its selfish use of resources. Clearly attributes associated with Testosterone driven masculine behaviour,” alleged Professor Billingsworth. “However, the demographic of the 4x4 driver shows normal occupancy to be by a mother on the school run and then heading off to the shops. Without a doubt these drivers are suffering from penis envy.”
Charlie Billingsworth of the Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships responded. “What rubbish, sports cars being penis extensions is scientific fact. The idea that women drivers of off-road vehicles are somehow in need of extra strength and assertiveness, needing to penetrate the traffic with impunity by a powerful, imposing, presence that is wider and longer than anything else on the road ….. Oh.” blushed Ms Billingsworth. “I see. Well he would say that wouldn’t he? He drives a Ford Probe.”
“The motor car is a representation of our public image and a projection of our ego,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, leader of the research team. “It has long been accepted that the car represents the silent projection of our ego to strangers. Feminists for years have pointed to the psychological projection of the big powerful sports car as compensation for men who may feel threatened about the prowess of their manhood. Our new study shows that indeed this trend continues with 4x4 vehicles.”
“The 4x4 represents a bullying, macho presence on the road. It intimidates other road users and is territorial in its selfish use of resources. Clearly attributes associated with Testosterone driven masculine behaviour,” alleged Professor Billingsworth. “However, the demographic of the 4x4 driver shows normal occupancy to be by a mother on the school run and then heading off to the shops. Without a doubt these drivers are suffering from penis envy.”
Charlie Billingsworth of the Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships responded. “What rubbish, sports cars being penis extensions is scientific fact. The idea that women drivers of off-road vehicles are somehow in need of extra strength and assertiveness, needing to penetrate the traffic with impunity by a powerful, imposing, presence that is wider and longer than anything else on the road ….. Oh.” blushed Ms Billingsworth. “I see. Well he would say that wouldn’t he? He drives a Ford Probe.”
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
New medical condition known as “publicist’s balls” discovered
The British Medical Journal today published an article describing the newly identified condition known as "publicist’s balls". The news comes after the revelation that the medical condition called "cello scrotum" is in fact a hoax dating back to the 1970s.
"There are millions of sufferers of "publicist’s balls" in the UK, and the complaint is growing," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, a maverick behavioural scientist currently serving 6 months in Broadmore. "The condition is spread mainly from marketing departments and is often carried in product advertisements masquerading as the publication of survey results."
Medical professionals say that some of the worst cases of the condition are in the beauty industry in which there is normally a fresh outbreak of "publicist’s balls" every week.
"It seems that the condition breeds rapidly within the warm, moist and unchallenging environment of women’s magazines," said Professor Billingsworth during moments of lucidity. "However it really thrives in the unsanitary conditions of the Internet."
"Publicist’s balls" has reached epidemic proportions within the pages of tabloid newspapers in between wars and on the websites of political parties at any time of day or night.
Despite the ease with which people in the 21st century can get access to information the area thought by many to be the seat of an early outbreak of "publicist’s balls" is still in a highly irritating state.
"The condition can be passed easily with word of mouth contact," explained Billingsworth. "Once a new outbreak of "publicist’s balls" occurs near a homeopathic remedy then it can be highly contagious and there is no known cure. You need a witch doctor."
Even the rational medical profession has come under attack, with dozens of cases of "publicist’s balls" being identified in the management offices of NHS trusts, government departments and changing rooms of golf-courses up-and-down the land.
"Despite the best efforts of the medical profession itself to remain infection free there are localised outbreaks occurring in medical journals," said the professor. "I myself have taken part in many deep cleans. Let me ask you - is milk good or bad for you? Don’t know? You are suffering from "publicist’s balls" too."
"There are millions of sufferers of "publicist’s balls" in the UK, and the complaint is growing," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, a maverick behavioural scientist currently serving 6 months in Broadmore. "The condition is spread mainly from marketing departments and is often carried in product advertisements masquerading as the publication of survey results."
Medical professionals say that some of the worst cases of the condition are in the beauty industry in which there is normally a fresh outbreak of "publicist’s balls" every week.
"It seems that the condition breeds rapidly within the warm, moist and unchallenging environment of women’s magazines," said Professor Billingsworth during moments of lucidity. "However it really thrives in the unsanitary conditions of the Internet."
"Publicist’s balls" has reached epidemic proportions within the pages of tabloid newspapers in between wars and on the websites of political parties at any time of day or night.
Despite the ease with which people in the 21st century can get access to information the area thought by many to be the seat of an early outbreak of "publicist’s balls" is still in a highly irritating state.
"The condition can be passed easily with word of mouth contact," explained Billingsworth. "Once a new outbreak of "publicist’s balls" occurs near a homeopathic remedy then it can be highly contagious and there is no known cure. You need a witch doctor."Even the rational medical profession has come under attack, with dozens of cases of "publicist’s balls" being identified in the management offices of NHS trusts, government departments and changing rooms of golf-courses up-and-down the land.
"Despite the best efforts of the medical profession itself to remain infection free there are localised outbreaks occurring in medical journals," said the professor. "I myself have taken part in many deep cleans. Let me ask you - is milk good or bad for you? Don’t know? You are suffering from "publicist’s balls" too."
Monday, September 29, 2008
Fat people’s inability to read labels may have medical not educational cause
Scientists at the Jeremy Kyle University of Behavioural Research say they have identified a link between obesity and eyesight problems that can effect people of all ages. The research may explain why fat people find it difficult to understand the nutritional labels on the foods they eat.
"We have conducted thousands of hours of behavioural research and monitoring of the cake aisles of leading supermarkets," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Our research shows that fat people have a medical condition that means they are unable to read small-print, such as a list of ingredients or dietary advice on the back of a pack of donuts. Previously we had just assumed they were thick."
The research revealed that the reason a great many "big-boned" people avoid the fruit and vegetable sections of supermarkets is that their eyes are incapable of deciphering any lettering that isn’t in a big, bright, bold, typeface saying ‘Double Chocolate Chip Fudge Brownie’ or ‘buy one get one free’.
"The exact cause isn’t known. It could be something genetic, it could be a deficiency in the areas of their brains that process complex images and pattern matching," said Professor Billingsworth. "But it could just as easily be sweat dripping into their eyes and blurring their vision when they get that ‘pie-lust’ or their fat fingers obscuring the dietary information on a twin pack of Ginsters Pasties"
The reports were presented to a conference of some of the world’s leading experts on obesity but it was not as well received as researchers would have liked with a large body of fat experts boycotting the main presentation.
"I think a great many of the attendees were in denial, as several claimed to be unable to read the meeting details on the lecture theatre notice board." said Professor Billingsworth. "Although they all found the bloody buffet easily enough."
"We have conducted thousands of hours of behavioural research and monitoring of the cake aisles of leading supermarkets," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Our research shows that fat people have a medical condition that means they are unable to read small-print, such as a list of ingredients or dietary advice on the back of a pack of donuts. Previously we had just assumed they were thick."The research revealed that the reason a great many "big-boned" people avoid the fruit and vegetable sections of supermarkets is that their eyes are incapable of deciphering any lettering that isn’t in a big, bright, bold, typeface saying ‘Double Chocolate Chip Fudge Brownie’ or ‘buy one get one free’.
"The exact cause isn’t known. It could be something genetic, it could be a deficiency in the areas of their brains that process complex images and pattern matching," said Professor Billingsworth. "But it could just as easily be sweat dripping into their eyes and blurring their vision when they get that ‘pie-lust’ or their fat fingers obscuring the dietary information on a twin pack of Ginsters Pasties"The reports were presented to a conference of some of the world’s leading experts on obesity but it was not as well received as researchers would have liked with a large body of fat experts boycotting the main presentation.
"I think a great many of the attendees were in denial, as several claimed to be unable to read the meeting details on the lecture theatre notice board." said Professor Billingsworth. "Although they all found the bloody buffet easily enough."
Friday, October 20, 2006
World's first invisibility cloak created
Scientists today announced the creation of the world’s first invisibility cloak. Professor J Scott Billingsworth unveiled the invention to a packed news conference.
"It works by bending the electromagnetic waves around the object, rather than letting them reflect off the object, thus is in effect invisible to anyone that looks at it." Explained Professor Billingsworth at the unveiling of the device to the worlds media. "Thus not only can you not see it, but it won’t show up in any photos. In fact the casual observer, or journalists, or even our all important sponsors and benefactors won’t be able to see the fruits of all the time and money used in its creation."
Photos of what appears to the untrained eye as an empty glass case are expected to make the front page stories of all tomorrow’s newspapers.
STOP PRESS
One observer at the news conference noticed that when the power was switched off to the display case that nothing actually appeared as would be expected as the device became visible again. When challenged about this Professor Billingsworth confessed that the box was empty during the press demonstration as the actual device had fallen off a table in the laboratory and rolled across a floor. "No one has been able to find it, yet, but it really does exist."
"It works by bending the electromagnetic waves around the object, rather than letting them reflect off the object, thus is in effect invisible to anyone that looks at it." Explained Professor Billingsworth at the unveiling of the device to the worlds media. "Thus not only can you not see it, but it won’t show up in any photos. In fact the casual observer, or journalists, or even our all important sponsors and benefactors won’t be able to see the fruits of all the time and money used in its creation."
Photos of what appears to the untrained eye as an empty glass case are expected to make the front page stories of all tomorrow’s newspapers.
STOP PRESS
One observer at the news conference noticed that when the power was switched off to the display case that nothing actually appeared as would be expected as the device became visible again. When challenged about this Professor Billingsworth confessed that the box was empty during the press demonstration as the actual device had fallen off a table in the laboratory and rolled across a floor. "No one has been able to find it, yet, but it really does exist."
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
As the 25th anniversary passes we try to remember life before the Sinclair C5
A quarter of a century may not seem like a long time, but like the mobile phone, or the internet, it is difficult to imagine exactly how we lived before our towns were filled with the distinctive whine of straining electric motors or the hillsides strewn with panting red-faced drivers that so characterise the environment in the post-C5 era.
25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles, plugged into pay-as-you-go electricity points.
“It really is one of those inventions, where you think ‘How did we get by before it?’ and wonder why hadn't it been invented sooner?,” said Professor J. Scott Billlingsworth. “Being below tyre height with a juggernaut and having even less protection than a bicycle makes you feel so alive. Albeit briefly.”
Research has shown that most people, not just those born in the last quarter of a century - the so-called “C5ers” - cannot remember a time without Sinclair's ubiquitous marketing slogan “You never feel as popular as when you wake up with a crowd around you.”
Professor Billingsworth has studied the effect that the C5 has had on our culture, behaviour and the industries that have sprung up around it.
“You probably don’t remember when all drive-through take away places had the speakers and counters at stomach height? Now, because of the C5 they are all at knee height. Yet few people understand why,” said the Professor.
Professor Billingsworth’s research has documented testimonies from ten of thousands of people recalling their experiences with the C5 and how it has changed their lives.
“People tell us how they were liberated by the freedom the C5 allowed them,” said Billingsworth. “A freedom to explore anywhere within a 10 mile radius. As long as the weather is good, and there is no traffic. And the road is very flat.”
In our C5-centric society it is also difficult to remember a time before drive-in cinemas where young, panting couples can park near each other and recover from the exertion of overcoming the ramp into the car park. Wearing only their winter thermals and duffel coats they happily spend a romantic evening shouting sweet nothings through scarves and earmuffs across the gap between vehicles.
“We all have our own stories - of couples whose batteries run out 3 miles from home on dark, deserted lanes,” mused Billingsworth. “Who doesn’t remember the first time they had sex in a C5?”
25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles, plugged into pay-as-you-go electricity points.“It really is one of those inventions, where you think ‘How did we get by before it?’ and wonder why hadn't it been invented sooner?,” said Professor J. Scott Billlingsworth. “Being below tyre height with a juggernaut and having even less protection than a bicycle makes you feel so alive. Albeit briefly.”
Research has shown that most people, not just those born in the last quarter of a century - the so-called “C5ers” - cannot remember a time without Sinclair's ubiquitous marketing slogan “You never feel as popular as when you wake up with a crowd around you.”
Professor Billingsworth has studied the effect that the C5 has had on our culture, behaviour and the industries that have sprung up around it.
“You probably don’t remember when all drive-through take away places had the speakers and counters at stomach height? Now, because of the C5 they are all at knee height. Yet few people understand why,” said the Professor.
Professor Billingsworth’s research has documented testimonies from ten of thousands of people recalling their experiences with the C5 and how it has changed their lives.
“People tell us how they were liberated by the freedom the C5 allowed them,” said Billingsworth. “A freedom to explore anywhere within a 10 mile radius. As long as the weather is good, and there is no traffic. And the road is very flat.”
In our C5-centric society it is also difficult to remember a time before drive-in cinemas where young, panting couples can park near each other and recover from the exertion of overcoming the ramp into the car park. Wearing only their winter thermals and duffel coats they happily spend a romantic evening shouting sweet nothings through scarves and earmuffs across the gap between vehicles.
“We all have our own stories - of couples whose batteries run out 3 miles from home on dark, deserted lanes,” mused Billingsworth. “Who doesn’t remember the first time they had sex in a C5?”
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Study reveals average mental age of internet user is 12 years old
Studies have confirmed what many have suspected for some time, that everyone else is arrogant, rude, unprincipled and self absorbed.
“We have been studying society for some time now, especially with the growth in the internet and social media,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Jeremy Kyle University. “Countless studies and thousands of individual researchers have concluded that everyone else is an unspeakable shit.”
Researchers claim that the explosion of internet forums and networking sites unrelated to normal circles of friends and work colleagues has provided an unparalleled ability for other people to abuse each other and strut like pre-pubescent children.
“You can see the behaviour all around us but somehow we let it go,” said Billingsworth from his cell. “You only have to look at the way people drive huge 4x4s so that they don't have to consider other road users, or how using a mobile phone or an iPod makes you exempt from having to look where the fuck you are walking. For some reason other people's seats are good enough for you to put your feet up on.”
However the study found that the Internet was a very fat and ugly mirror into the natural behaviour of everyone else, with comments on blogs and internet forums revealing the mental age of the average internet user to be 12. If you are lucky you retard.
“In the past, people were just as arrogant, but having their identity known meant that only a few of us had the sophistication and wit to properly insult all the time-wasters,” screamed Professor Billingsworth through the access hatch. “We would engage in letters and articles entrapping journalists with their stupid gay voice recorders who can't even work their out of date mobile phones. God you are so lame.”
The study, distributed via the Kyle University's website was supported with a live Q&A text chat session to discuss it's findings in greater detail.
“FFS OBVIOUSLY !!!1!!1!one” an unnamed co-author of the report responded to a question. “You journalists are just uber-noobs fucktards. Probably gay too.”
“We have been studying society for some time now, especially with the growth in the internet and social media,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Jeremy Kyle University. “Countless studies and thousands of individual researchers have concluded that everyone else is an unspeakable shit.”
Researchers claim that the explosion of internet forums and networking sites unrelated to normal circles of friends and work colleagues has provided an unparalleled ability for other people to abuse each other and strut like pre-pubescent children.
“You can see the behaviour all around us but somehow we let it go,” said Billingsworth from his cell. “You only have to look at the way people drive huge 4x4s so that they don't have to consider other road users, or how using a mobile phone or an iPod makes you exempt from having to look where the fuck you are walking. For some reason other people's seats are good enough for you to put your feet up on.”However the study found that the Internet was a very fat and ugly mirror into the natural behaviour of everyone else, with comments on blogs and internet forums revealing the mental age of the average internet user to be 12. If you are lucky you retard.
“In the past, people were just as arrogant, but having their identity known meant that only a few of us had the sophistication and wit to properly insult all the time-wasters,” screamed Professor Billingsworth through the access hatch. “We would engage in letters and articles entrapping journalists with their stupid gay voice recorders who can't even work their out of date mobile phones. God you are so lame.”
The study, distributed via the Kyle University's website was supported with a live Q&A text chat session to discuss it's findings in greater detail.
“FFS OBVIOUSLY !!!1!!1!one” an unnamed co-author of the report responded to a question. “You journalists are just uber-noobs fucktards. Probably gay too.”
Sunday, December 03, 2006
It is Christmas 1982 - still
Conventional wisdom says that Christmas comes earlier every year. Shop shelves start to fill with festive food as soon as Halloween is over and the decorations start appearing before the smoke has cleared from Bonfire Night. However research from the University of Liverpool to the East of the University of West Liverpool have discovered that Christmas has actually come no earlier this year than in the last quarter of a century - we are still in the 1982 Christmas season!
“The going in assumption for our research had been that Christmas is getting earlier, as sure as policeman are getting younger but the more we looked the more we realised that we could not see where one Christmas season ended and another began, “ explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth upon the publication of his team’s findings. “We traced this all the way back to 1982, it is surprising but it is true”.
The report shows that in the Christmas of 1982: the news was filled with stories about Princess Diana, the aftermath of a mysterious assassination in London and a violation of privacy of the Royal household; the country was ruled by an unpopular government and was at war with a far off country; a Beatles hits album was riding high in the charts; the top toy was a puzzle that amused adults and children alike; there was conflict in the Lebanon and Noel Edmonds was a TV favourite; there was also an affectionate relationship between an older US President and the British Prime Minister.
“Christmas 1982 is much like Christmas 2006 in cultural terms,” continued Professor Billingsworth, “Indeed if you look at the trend over the intervening years you’ll see that those themes run right through.”
However whilst it appears as though we are all living in some bleak “Ground Hog Day” simply warming up the same cultural meal like Boxing Day left-overs the researchers revealed bright new hope for 2007.
“2007 is the year that this trend will be broken. Music will finally enter the electro-techno pop envisaged by 1980s Sci-Fi, nuclear fusion power will be come a reality; breakthroughs will be made in treatment of cancer. Princess Diana will have been conclusively and finally laid to rest and Noel Edmonds will leave our TV screens following the inevitable beard trimmer incident. These coupled with the realisation of cheap trips into Space will see a happier and more prosperous Christmas 2007 for all, “ announced Billingsworth during drinks at the post launch party.
“No, I am kidding. It will be the same old stuff until the cultural shock that accompanies the Alien landings of 2009.”
“The going in assumption for our research had been that Christmas is getting earlier, as sure as policeman are getting younger but the more we looked the more we realised that we could not see where one Christmas season ended and another began, “ explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth upon the publication of his team’s findings. “We traced this all the way back to 1982, it is surprising but it is true”.
The report shows that in the Christmas of 1982: the news was filled with stories about Princess Diana, the aftermath of a mysterious assassination in London and a violation of privacy of the Royal household; the country was ruled by an unpopular government and was at war with a far off country; a Beatles hits album was riding high in the charts; the top toy was a puzzle that amused adults and children alike; there was conflict in the Lebanon and Noel Edmonds was a TV favourite; there was also an affectionate relationship between an older US President and the British Prime Minister.
“Christmas 1982 is much like Christmas 2006 in cultural terms,” continued Professor Billingsworth, “Indeed if you look at the trend over the intervening years you’ll see that those themes run right through.”
However whilst it appears as though we are all living in some bleak “Ground Hog Day” simply warming up the same cultural meal like Boxing Day left-overs the researchers revealed bright new hope for 2007.
“2007 is the year that this trend will be broken. Music will finally enter the electro-techno pop envisaged by 1980s Sci-Fi, nuclear fusion power will be come a reality; breakthroughs will be made in treatment of cancer. Princess Diana will have been conclusively and finally laid to rest and Noel Edmonds will leave our TV screens following the inevitable beard trimmer incident. These coupled with the realisation of cheap trips into Space will see a happier and more prosperous Christmas 2007 for all, “ announced Billingsworth during drinks at the post launch party.
“No, I am kidding. It will be the same old stuff until the cultural shock that accompanies the Alien landings of 2009.”
Friday, January 04, 2008
Britons feel the heat down under
As thousands of Britons feeling "under the weather" grip the pan for dear life, Doctors are warning of severe bouts of high pressure in the middle, followed by extremely blustery conditions down south.
"The norovirus is a particularly virulent stomach bug that can bring on severe bouts of diarrhoea with no notice," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Oh dear, I’d only just changed into these," he added before blushing bright red.
The high pressure caused by the virus in the middle of Britons can also lead to severe projectile precipitation in the North. Indeed the families of many sufferers believe they are witnessing a scene from ‘The Exorcist’.
Doctors are warning sufferers to stay away from work, or anywhere else with expensive upholstered seating, for at least 48 hours following a bout of ‘accelerated, or reverse digestive transit’.
"The clean up crews need to be given a fighting chance. It’ll take more than a few squirts of Oust to shift that lot," muttered Professor Billingsworth. "Oh Jesus, not again," he added.
The NHS advises those not suffering from the norovirus to avoid contact with anyone suspected to have contracted the illness or to at least dress as they might imagine Hyacinth Bucket would if working as a cleaner at a peep show.
"You can’t be too careful, this infection can catch you and anyone in your immediate vicinity completely unawares. It’s unlikely my cat will ever look at me in the same way again," said the Professor before making a sound like a rip in a wet bouncy castle.
Following an uncomfortable cabinet meeting which was accompanied by sounds of quacking said to be attributed to a flock of ‘low flying ducks’ the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, called a meeting of the Cobra response committee to order an emergency shipment of trousers and underpants to the most effected areas. Sources at the meeting said they had never before seen the Premier move so quickly.
Speaking on television using a special waterproof camera whilst sitting in the bath, the Prime Minister moved, repeatedly, and attempted to re-assure the nation.
"Rest assured, unlike during the summer, I am taking a personal lead in Operation Brown Flood," he said. "For the last three days I have been pissing rusty water out of my arse."
"The norovirus is a particularly virulent stomach bug that can bring on severe bouts of diarrhoea with no notice," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Oh dear, I’d only just changed into these," he added before blushing bright red.The high pressure caused by the virus in the middle of Britons can also lead to severe projectile precipitation in the North. Indeed the families of many sufferers believe they are witnessing a scene from ‘The Exorcist’.
Doctors are warning sufferers to stay away from work, or anywhere else with expensive upholstered seating, for at least 48 hours following a bout of ‘accelerated, or reverse digestive transit’.
"The clean up crews need to be given a fighting chance. It’ll take more than a few squirts of Oust to shift that lot," muttered Professor Billingsworth. "Oh Jesus, not again," he added.
The NHS advises those not suffering from the norovirus to avoid contact with anyone suspected to have contracted the illness or to at least dress as they might imagine Hyacinth Bucket would if working as a cleaner at a peep show.
"You can’t be too careful, this infection can catch you and anyone in your immediate vicinity completely unawares. It’s unlikely my cat will ever look at me in the same way again," said the Professor before making a sound like a rip in a wet bouncy castle.
Following an uncomfortable cabinet meeting which was accompanied by sounds of quacking said to be attributed to a flock of ‘low flying ducks’ the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, called a meeting of the Cobra response committee to order an emergency shipment of trousers and underpants to the most effected areas. Sources at the meeting said they had never before seen the Premier move so quickly.
Speaking on television using a special waterproof camera whilst sitting in the bath, the Prime Minister moved, repeatedly, and attempted to re-assure the nation.
"Rest assured, unlike during the summer, I am taking a personal lead in Operation Brown Flood," he said. "For the last three days I have been pissing rusty water out of my arse."
Monday, December 24, 2007
Chaos over Christmas due to faulty navigation systems
This Christmas has seen a record number of complaints from households the length and breadth of the country due to a batch of faulty 'ChatNav' systems.
“Christmas and New Year are a time when millions of people travel across the country to be with loved ones,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “When we get to our destination we are tired and facing another few hours of tricky navigation through a minefield of conversation subjects and it seems the 'Chat Navigation' systems that we have come to rely on have let us down.”
The festive season is a always a notoriously difficult time as families get together for possibly the only time of the year. Many people struggle to navigate the tricky path through family history whilst avoiding known incident blackspots at frosty receptions which may involve long journeys across thin ice.
“Of course at Christmas the problem will have been exacerbated by alcohol,” said the Professor. “This can cause people to drive headlong into areas that are best avoided. Indeed Christmas drinking can engender a desire to get to the point as fast as possible and can cause reckless behaviour and lead to the one driving the conversation to misread even the most unmistakeable of warning signs.”
Our increasing reliance on technology such as ChatNavs means that without the systems many people are helpless. Men in particular are notorious for refusing to accept help when driving a conversation in a completely inappropriate direction oblivious to any suggestion from wives and girlfriends keen to avoid any looming obstacles.
It is believed that the problems with the latest generation of ChatNavs were caused by a failure with the worldwide GPS – Grievance Prevention System - although the approaches taken by previous generations are frequently routed through treacherous territory.
“We have known for some time that many 'chatnav' systems used by older family members can lead to huge meandering diversions down memory lane,” said Professor Billingsworth. “Some of these can lead to many extra hours of pointless meanderings culminating in blow-ups on the way home.”
“Christmas and New Year are a time when millions of people travel across the country to be with loved ones,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “When we get to our destination we are tired and facing another few hours of tricky navigation through a minefield of conversation subjects and it seems the 'Chat Navigation' systems that we have come to rely on have let us down.”The festive season is a always a notoriously difficult time as families get together for possibly the only time of the year. Many people struggle to navigate the tricky path through family history whilst avoiding known incident blackspots at frosty receptions which may involve long journeys across thin ice.
“Of course at Christmas the problem will have been exacerbated by alcohol,” said the Professor. “This can cause people to drive headlong into areas that are best avoided. Indeed Christmas drinking can engender a desire to get to the point as fast as possible and can cause reckless behaviour and lead to the one driving the conversation to misread even the most unmistakeable of warning signs.”
Our increasing reliance on technology such as ChatNavs means that without the systems many people are helpless. Men in particular are notorious for refusing to accept help when driving a conversation in a completely inappropriate direction oblivious to any suggestion from wives and girlfriends keen to avoid any looming obstacles.
It is believed that the problems with the latest generation of ChatNavs were caused by a failure with the worldwide GPS – Grievance Prevention System - although the approaches taken by previous generations are frequently routed through treacherous territory.
“We have known for some time that many 'chatnav' systems used by older family members can lead to huge meandering diversions down memory lane,” said Professor Billingsworth. “Some of these can lead to many extra hours of pointless meanderings culminating in blow-ups on the way home.”
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