Slain Libyan Rebel Commander And Humanitarian Gen Abdel Fattah Younes “car trouble led to missed meetings about murder”

The world is continuing its mourning after the assassination of humanitarian leader General Abdel Fattah Younes, a long time practitioner of the teachings of Mahatma Ghandi and the leader of the non-violent Libyan protest movement shaped in his image. Obituaries of the long-time Gaddafi supporter are now flowing in, filled with tales of power, corruption, doctrinal-fuelled murder and car trouble.

“From the first day of supporting Gaddafi in the coup, through 40 years of supporting Gaddafi to training elite death squads, General Younes was always such a peace-loving man, so committed to love, to relieving suffering and to justice and freedom,” Abdul Bilinfworthdi, the so-called 'Butcher of Benghazi'. “He was just plagued by a series of unreliable second-hand cars.”

Minutes of Libyan cabinet meetings throughout the second half of the twentieth century reveal a litany of late attendance or missed conferences being blamed on problems with his old second-hand cars.

“I remember once, in about 1975, Younes had an old Datsun Cherry. Allah, praise be upon him, that thing was a wreck. We had just finished discussing which airport we should sneak the bomb for Pan Am flight 103 onto and were moving the agenda on when the General arrived, he was all hot and flustered,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He arrived in time for the discussion on the new irrigation project, but missed out on the decision to load the bomb on at Frankfurt due to having flooded the car's carburettor that morning.”

It wasn't just arriving late for high-level meetings that Younes suffered due to his bad luck with cheap cars, it also caused problems when he was due out on operational missions.

“I remember when one of his elite death squads had been deployed to eradicate a pocket of counter-revolutionaries in 1987, he got there about 30 minutes after they had just finished clearing the bodies out of the orphanage, “ said the Butcher of Benghazi. “He arrived just as Gaddafi gave free 'meat' to starving local farmers. Younes blamed that on having to wait for AA Homestart to get him going.”

Sometimes it wasn't just arriving late, on occasion the peace loving leader of revolutionary murder missed key military decisions due to having to leave early to pick up his car.

“In 1995 he had this battered red Ford Fiesta and just before we were scheduled to discuss supplying arms to the IRA Younes had to leave,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He said he had to make sure his car passed its MOT that day as he needed it in the morning to take medicine to some orphans.”

Rumours persist as to the circumstances surrounding General Younes' death. Some believe an Islamic fundamentalist infiltrated his inner circle while others maintain that he was en route to a hospital to donate a kidney to a dying peasant when the brakes on his 20 year old Toyota Corolla failed.

“Well, he was a great friend and his funeral will sadly pass without any foreign state representation,” said the Butcher. “Mainly because William Hague wouldn't know us if we slapped him in the face.”