Surreal Scoop

During his keynote speech at Finsec 07, the conference on financial security, Martin Billingsworth, of Barclays UK Retail Banking, said that the time had come to consider radical ways to prevent crime by following the lead of drug abuse campaigners. "We need to reduce the motivation for habitual criminals such as Bank Robbers and fraudsters that target the small multi-billion pound organisations," he said. "We need to remove the link between their needs and the crime they commit. If registered armed robbers were prescribed great bundles of cash on the NHS it will lead to less desire to perform bank raids." Attendees at the conference included not just the retail banking sector, but its interested consumer groups. Tony ‘The Spanner’, who has served a total of 24 years for armed robbery and represented the Essex firms said that the move did not go far enough. "Well I know that my members would welcome the re-assurance that we can maintain our cash dependencies wi...

The effects of the lightening strike called yesterday by the Prison Officers’ Association has tainted the image of the Prison Service with the strike's effect on many of its most loyal customers. “It really wasn’t what I had come to expect from the Prison Service,” said Tony ‘The Spanner’ , a regular resident who has had several stays at Her Majesty’s pleasure over the last two decades. “When I arranged my stay, by assaulting and robbing a shopkeeper, I expected that I would be catered for by experienced and professional staff,” said Tony. “However today, with this strike action, the Prison Service has been shocking.” Governors had a skeleton staff and instituted lockdown procedures. At HMP Walton in Liverpool, where Tony is currently staying, this meant that not only were prisoners restricted to their cells but lost other privileges. “I expected my lunch to be around one o’clock with the rest of the lads,” said Tony. “You can imagine my annoyance at having to wait until three in t...

Holidaymakers in the seaside town of Weston-supe-Mare today awoke to find the cataclysmic results of a misunderstanding during the planning of celebratory events to mark the re-opening of Weston-supe-Mare's world famous Grand Pier. “I am not taking the fall for this one. It's just a genuine misunderstanding, ” said event pyrotechnics expert Kenneth Billingsworth. “When I was hired they told me they wanted something really special for the end-of-the-pier. Something that would say to everyone that the pier really was finished.” The historic Grand Pier, today consumed by a raging inferno, was originally constructed in 1904 and had just undergone a multi-million pound refurbishment which the landmark event was planned to celebrate. “You tell me that wasn't spectacular! Look at the result, everyone knows that pier really is well and truly finished now,” explained Billingsworth. Kenneth Billingsworth, 58, was only recently hired by North Somerset council in an outreach programme ...

The Home Secretary, John Reid, today announced that Channel 4 and the Home Office would be forming a new partnership to end the overcrowding and mis-management in the UK’s prisons. "In a landmark partnership, we will be turning a number of prisons over to be administered by Channel 4 television," announced Dr Reid at a press conference today. "The broadcaster will bring its expertise to the problem of overcrowding in Britain’s prisons." The Home Secretary explained that the prison numbers would be regulated by a series of phone vote evictions. "The prisons’ security cameras will be broadcast on a new digital TV channel and we know that the public are very keen to follow the tedium in the daily routines of people kept in close quarters, sharing sleeping and washing facilities," explained the Home Secretary. "So clearly this is a solution that is fit for purpose and the revenue will be useful too," he added. "We have experience not just of run...

Tony " the Spanner " Billingsworth, a homeless, unemployed man who has a history of alcohol related problems was last week convicted of mugging a pensioner and remanded in custody. It will be his sixth stay at her majesty’s pleasure totalling some twenty-six years, a pattern of offending that Mr Billingsworth blamed on his childhood and the actions of his parents. "My parents were loving, caring people, who worked hard to give their son the best possible start in life." Tony said through his solicitor. "At no time did they ever mistreat me or abuse me in any manner. They made me understand the value of hard work, money, right from wrong and the importance of education. They made many sacrifices to ensure that I had a good start in life. The bastards! "I have no excuses. I haven’t been beaten, sexually abused or grown up with alcoholic parents who were always on the take," his statement continued. "I have no excuses and thus no way of turning a ju...