Lazy scum seeking justice for new trainers and the latest sick BlackBerry Bold. Respek!

As scum across the country woke up to see that it wasn’t all a dream and that they did indeed have the newest brightest orange trainers and boxes of the latest smartphones, they all said that this was a clear act of solidarity with whatisface, you know the bloke with the gun, or cab or something from London wasn’t it?

“I have to make a stand. It has gone on for too long, this outrage of me not having a 3D TV. So I took the half-brick of justice, and I smashed the windows of the oppressing power of the British Heart Foundation shop in Ealing. I thought yeah, that will teach you people to give up your time and possessions in the hope of making people’s lives better. That shop is a fucking disgrace,” said one masked looter. “All the telly’s and that was old and they didn’t even have a BluRay player. Er. BluRay player Of justice, for you know, him who got shot was it? Yes! Someone has got the tracksuits from JD. The Tracksuits of Freedom I mean.”

Many of the so-called rioters are protesting at the injustices they feel by being compelled to live in a society where they can all get education, healthcare, food and shelter without having to work for it.

“Yeah, fuckerz, we got a new laptop last night init, this is for that Tottenham bloke, the one with all the being shot yeah?”, said one user on twitter. “I’ll be thinking of him when I is watching cats in a box on YouTube.”

Whilst images of the looting played around the world have focussed on the destruction of property there is a human cost being felt by the people of the riot hit areas.

“One of my mans, right, he cut his hand, right, when he smashed the window of the like, right, like, Vodafone shop, like, right, like,” said local child, Martin Billingsworth, 23. “So we is like, right, like, right, gonna like sue. Yeah?”

Politicians have moved quickly to be seen to be saying something that won’t make any difference to the thousands of immature teenagers who have realised that being in a mob means you can steal stuff.

“Well, crikey, Bojo had to give up his hols, but it’s important I am in London at this time of crisis to make sure that when you think of me and you think of London you think Olympics, and bikes,” said Mayor Boris Johnson. “When you think of Cameron, you should think of death and destruction. Boris –Ladies Beach Volleyball, Cameron – babies on fire. Now, who asked the important question about the leadership of the Conservative Party?”

While the financial impact of the disturbances is still being assessed some of the key indicators are already apparent as Gavin from Autoglass has reported that he expects to get a really big bonus this year.