US Financial Crisis Averted As Religious Political Nut-Job Production Increases

Analysts in the US said that the country was clearly heading on the road to recovering from its $14 trillion deficit with the release of the Palin 2.0 – code-named Michele Bachmann – to the delight of right-wing Tea-Bag party supporters.

“The US leads the world in the development of delusional female politicians,” commented Kurt Billingsworthski a notable Tea-bagger. “Oh yes, and U. S. A - U. S. A. - U. S. A”

The upgrades to the Palin range that have been incorporated into the Michele Bachmann are aimed at addressing the obvious security flaws with the original Palin 1.0. For example the Palin 2.0 default location has been moved several thousand miles away from being able to see Russia to avoid confusion with foreign policy expertise. Most importantly version 2.0 extends the core Palin 1.0 functionality of being in regular communication with a Sky Wizard.

“With the Palin 1.0 there was the regular friend requests from God,” said Billingsworthski. “The new model has taken that into the cloud era as He now follows Michele on Twitter.”

The Tea-bag party will face a tough decision in the upcoming primaries as the Palin 1.0 model has yet to be discontinued, with many users unwilling to face the possible costs of the upgrade.

“Most on the extreme right-wing of American politics are comfortable with the current operation of the Palin 1.0. We know how to “y’all”, and “hockey mom” we even got to grips with the additional “mama grizzly” functionality released last year,” said a member fresh from Tea-bagging at a ‘U.S.A. - U.S.A.’ rally yesterday. “However it will take people a while to be able to understand the new Degree in Federal Tax Law enhancement.”

The initial release of the Palin 2.0 has not gone completely smoothly, with early adopters complaining of compatibility problems with history and science that can lead to corruption of important data.

“If you try to access information on America’s Founding Fathers using the Michele Bachmann you’ll find odd bits about fighting slavery when we all know that Thomas Jefferson loved slaves, loved them in all the ways. Repeatedly,” said one historian. “Oh and of course the Palin 2.0 is absolutely convinced the Sky Wizard knocked up the universe in six days. He probably filled in His tax form on the seventh.”

Manager Of World’s Biggest Factory Visits Britain And Promises To Buy More Stuff Made In His Factory

China’s Premier, Wen Jiabao, continued his British visit and promised that he would take measures to increase trade between Britain and China, in particular he offered to whip the Chinese into a frenzy to buy something, anything, British.

“Oh yes, very much so, several shall be whipped until they are pleading with us to let them buy a British car, say a thousand,” said Mr Wen. “That would be a thousand being whipped to buy one car, say the red one over there.”

China, soon to become the leading economy in the world, is thought to be sitting on cash reserves of $3trillion that it wants to diversify and use as investment.

“We have lots of dollars, lots, and Blue Jeans, we make them, like we make everything else,” said the Premier on a tour of Stratford-Upon-Avon. “We don’t have a ‘birthplace of Shakespeare’ though - yet - how much is it?”

With workers in western economies increasingly under pressure from cheap off-shore labour, the Chinese are said to be very keen on encouraging a business model similar to that of the newly re-launched MG car manufacturer.

“Ah yes, under British Leyland you had very expensive local communists that made bad cars,” said Mr Wen. “Now for MG we have very cheap Chinese communists that make anything you tell them how to do. The only striking in my country is done by the back of the supervisors’ hands.”

Mr Wen was introduced to some British shopkeepers as the historic town sweltered under high summer temperatures.

“He is the manager of the factory were everything I sell is made isn’t he? He seemed very nice,” said haberdasher Herbert Billingsworth. “He said that it was very good to see me sweating in my shop, it reminded him of home.”

Mr Wen was quizzed by reporters on the subject of human rights, a subject many in the west are keen to turn a blind-eye to as long as they can still get a great TV for £500. However Mr Wen said that it was important that China and the UK work closely together to ensure a common understanding of basic freedoms.

“In particular I was asked about child labour, and I think that yes, Britain should definitely have as much as possible, ” said the Chinese Premier. “It saves parents a fortune at Christmas as their children don’t want to take their work home with them.”

Michael Gove Urges Parents To Replace Pilots In Planned Virgin Atlantic Strike

Education secretary Michael Gove today continued the government’s theme of everything being one big charitable effort by suggesting that any parents faced with summer-holidays being cancelled by the planned Virgin pilot’s walkout should step into the cockpit and fly the planes themselves.

“It would be great if the wider aeroplane community could help with making sure that flights left on time,” said the Education Secretary. “I shall write to the airline and tell them there is nothing to stop airlines dropping all those training regulations if it means the planes can stay in the air.”

The Education Secretary is keen to emphasise that it is vitally important that everyone in Britain focuses on how we can all serve each other, for free, out of the goodness of our hearts.

“I had the idea just after I suggested that parents could replace striking teachers in classrooms,” said Gove. “You know these jobs can’t be that difficult, it’s not like these people are government ministers or anything.”

Mr Gove emphasised that a lot of fuss is made about training and “whatnot” saying that if we all pitched in we would soon get the hang of it.

“I am the country’s foremost authority on education, after all, and I have achieved that in only a year, ” said the Education Secretary. “And let me tell you something, I didn’t need fancy qualifications to become the leading expert on education! My background is in the arts – life true experiences - the stage dear-boy, that is where the real hard work is.”

Gove also asked if parents could fill in to replace the likes of Coldplay or Beyonce when Glastonbury takes a fallow year in 2012.

“And if the creation of the branch or Roman Catholicism called the Ordinariate means there is a shortfall of Church of England priests then I will intervene personally,” offered the education secretary. “I can lead any congregation, after all I played a Chaplain in A Feast At Midnight, luvvy. The show must go on!”

Louis Walsh Angered Over Claims He Spotted Talent In Dublin Night-Club

End-of-the-pier summer show regular, Louis Walsh, was said to be angered today at allegations that he may have reached out and grabbed some 24 year old talent in a Dublin night-club.

“Louis is devastated at the idea that he is being accused of being a talent spotter,” said pal Padraig O’Billingsworth. “He is vigorously denying the allegations and has plenty of evidence to support him.”

Eyewitnesses say that Walsh first came to public notice as the handler of a troupe of performing freaks with learning difficulties that he had created in the secret laboratory on his island hideaway, known only as Ireland.

“The first batch Louis made had very poor co-ordination and were basically mute, having not learned how to sing, ” said O’Billingsworth. “Or how to wear a shirt.”



After more refinements in his Ireland lair, the proudly heterosexual band found fame under the macho-sounding name of “Boyzone”. The fact that all five members came from Dublin is a key piece of evidence against Walsh ever making a play for any talent in the city.

“Louis never stopped experimenting though, he was keen that he could come out with something even more fabulous than Boyzone,” said O’Billingsworth. “And so the next batch from the vat in his lab became known as Westlife. This time they could talk, dress and walk normally, but they weren’t bright, Louis did have to explain to them that ‘Boyz II Men’ was not a day care centre.”

Mr Walsh has said that once he has cleared his name of the allegations in Dublin he wants his fans to know that he will return to work as a judge on the popular karaoke stall at the summer fair and that there will be new surprises in store.

“Oh it will be fabulous darling,” said O’Billingsworth. “Louis will be fired up to completely fail to spot talent again and what’s more after the show he will be running the bingo where he will be master of the balls.”

Rapture Failure And Risk To Society Warns That Society Still At Risk But To Keep Sending Him Money

Serially rubbish soothsayer Pastor Harold Camping today predicted yet another date for the coming of the Rapture. It will now definitely arrive in October, giving believers plenty of time to send in their cheques and postal orders.

“God, in his infinite compassion, would want to spare humanity 5 months of panic and suffering,” said ministry spokesman Pastor Harold Billingsworth. “So instead our ministry will fill His role, and spread fear across the world. But we can’t do it without your help, so remember to keep sending donations.”

Many believers have been left bewildered and poverty stricken after spending their life savings following Pastor Harold Camping’s third prediction for the imminent end of the world being announced as 21st May, 2011. The Pastor was quick to re-assure his followers that his ministry would still be there for them.

“If you assumed salvation on Saturday and thus have spent all your savings, don’t worry, I am sure God will help you get your old job back. Or a second job,” sympathised the Pastor. “And remember Family Radio International accepts credit card payments and post-dated cheques.”

The Pastor was speaking during a broadcast on his Family Radio International ministry - whose slogan is “Predicting tomorrow is Judgement Day since 1988”. During the broadcast he claimed that he had once again re-interpreted the literal Word of God.

“Of course, as a fundamental literalist we can never speak figuratively,” said a ministry statement. “But a 5 figure donation would attain Bronze level on our Savedness Plan.”

Many have criticised Pastor Camping as simply having wasted his life hoping that every day for 23 years will see the death and destruction wrought by the vengeful love of the big Sky Wizard, as predicted by Iron Age men some 2000 years ago. Others say that his ministry is testifying as to the infinite compassion of Christ.

“We can’t give compassionate refunds on donations, unfortunately, the ministry can barely get by on its $122m of assets,” said a spokesman. “Anyway, the ministry isn’t a charity, unless you are from the IRS, when it so obviously is.”

Spartacus Denies Rumours Of Being The Latest To Take Out A Super-Injunction

Slave rebellion leader, Spartacus, today attempted to quell rumours that he was the latest celebrity figure to have taken out a super-injunction preventing certain details of his life from being openly discussed.

“I have nether had a Super-Injunction, nor have I ever had an affair with Gabby Logan,” said the leader of the Third Servile War on his Twitter account. “And it was a Roman trying to seduce Tony Curtis, not me.”

Spartacus is the latest celebrity to be caught up in the Super-Injunction controversy, in which high-profile figures who make lavish livings out of complimentary publicity decide that only nice things should ever be written about them in newspapers.

“Being a historical figure living over two thousand years ago, and living over seventeen hundred miles away in what you would now call South Western Bulgaria I am, of course a huge Manchester United fan,” said the former gladiator. “But I have never met Ryan Giggs and have no idea whether he like snails or oysters.”

The rebel leader, who either perished in the final battle with the Roman legions of Crassus in 71BC, or was crucified shortly thereafter, has said that he wants to remain out of the limelight as much as possible but is also keen on the truth being told.

“One thing you can say about me, I don't need to hide behind court rulings, because hundreds of my followers will declare themselves as being Spartacus to obstruct the authorities anyway,” said the Thracian warrior. “However, if the inevitable remake of the 1960 film about me is to be made, I would like Ewan McGregor to play my part, although I don't know who would be Antoninus for the close combat scenes.

“Oh, one more thing, Sir Fred Goodwin definitely failed as a banker.”

Manchester United Release Official Team Portrait To Celebrate Historic 19th League Title

Child Neglect Expert, Kate Mccann, Overjoyed At News Of The Re-Opening Of Madeleine Case

The world's most high-profile expert on child neglect today welcomed the confirmation that the Prime Minister has instructed the Metropolitan Police to investigate the case of toddler Madeleine McCann, abducted when she was 3 years old.

“We need to go over those tragic events four years ago in Praia da Luz,” said an insider. “Only then will we know what really happened after her parents neglected little Maddie.”

Kate and Gerry McCann yesterday conducted a whirlwind round of press conferences and TV talk show appearances to promote their book on the events following their abandonment of their three small children in a holiday in Portugal. The book is a fund-raiser to continue the search and the promotion includes serialisation with The Sun, which has made so much money itself out of Maddie’s disappearance.

“The Sun is right behind the McCann's, we have been serialising extracts from Kate's book, but not the bits about us publishing stories such as Maddie 'died in holiday flat', claims they wanted £1m compensation or our story about her being snatched by a paedo-ring in 'Madeleine McCann is in America – and I know who took her',” boomed the 'newspaper'.

The continued hope is that the abductor is a fan of Lorraine Kelly.

There is apparently no truth to the rumours that upon receiving the instruction from Downing Street to re-open investigations, Child Protection officers were despatched to investigate why the McCann's left three children aged 3 and 2 years alone whilst they wined and dined with friends.

“Of course everyone wants Maddie to be found safe and well after spending 4 years in the care of a kidnapper,” said a source close to the case. “But that would mean re-uniting her with the parents who preferred a well-deserved night-out after 3 years looking after their daughter before she came to any harm.”

LibDems Considering Selection Of New “Self-Serving Bastard”

With the news of the fatal wounding of crazed, terror leader “Colonel” Nick Clegg by a referendum result to the left eye, the power-brokers of the LibDem tyranny are jostling for appointment as the next self-serving bastard desperately grasping for power.

“The news is that Clegg seems to have been taken out by the Conservative Intelligence Agency in a sting operation that lasted a year,” said an insider. “With Colonel Clegg losing his grasp on power, others are clamouring to follow him and self-appoint themselves to the role of Deputy Prime Minister."

It has emerged that Conservative leader, Dave “I agree with stitching-up Nick” Cameron watched the conclusion of the operation from the Situation Room in Conservative Campaign Headquarters via a live satellite link.

“Last May, after painstaking work to somehow get myself into power, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action,” said the Prime Minister, “It was far from certain, and it took many months to be absolutely sure that we could really stitch the fucker right up.”

The operation to despatch Clegg was hatched following intense negotiations conducted last year when the terror leader Clegg held an entire country paralysed with his demands of imposing LibDem law on the UK.

“Un-elected despots like Clegg will always try to claim that what they are doing is for the good of the people, that they are giving the true democracy,” said a democracy protestor outside Colonel Clegg’s palace in Cowley Street, London. “Now everyone can see that their ideology and using female maths to calculate 50% was just a self-serving way of getting what they want.”

The revolution in Britain has finally exposed the LibDems ideology, and the people are now free from the endless propaganda messages of “fairer voting”, “joining the coalition in the interests of the country” and “Lebensraum”.

“An expected front runner to self-appoint himself Deputy PM would be Vince Cable who used to be such a safe pair of hands,” said an insider. “But now with Vince you can never be sure he won’t shit in his own hat.”

Pope John Paul II Beatified For Miraculous “Saving Of The Paedophiles”

Today we all face the information overload: the constant bombardment from television, the internet, with emails and instant messaging filled with the lives of the Saints. This blinding highlight as to exactly why we are all going to hell. Not a day goes by for any of us in our sinful lives: whether we be bankers asking St Matthew for guidance on inflation, aircraft designers consulting with St Bona as to the coefficient of friction of air at -15C or drunk bus drivers asking St Christopher if the zebra crossing is clear, we all take direct guidance from the Saints.

So with a new Saint to be taught to Catholic school children waiting to learn about far off planets and dinosaurs (which clearly don't exist) here are the all important stages to the imminent creation of St Pope John Paul II the Great:-

Death:-
The candidate must have been dead for 5 years. Or at least appear to be dead. Pope John Paul II couldn't resign and was wheeled out in an increasingly frail state when any compassionate organisation would have given him a bath chair, a bag of Werther's Originals and a DVD box-set of that nice “Antiques Roadshow”. However he worked for the Holy See so could expect no compassion.

Culting:-
The next important stage is that a total cult must be found to support the cause of those whose fans want to win the title of Saint. If the up-and-coming saint is believed to have lived a life that is at 11 on the holy scale then Rome might decide to call them “venerable”. His followers will be called “vulnerable”.

Beautification:-
The Vulnerable supporters of their favourite Catholic will then begin searching for evidence that a miracle has been performed. The “beautification” of evidence needs to show that the miracle was specifically contrary to earthly laws, such as John Paul II's leadership in the Vatican facilitating moving paedophile priests to alternative parishes, rather than reporting the criminal offence to local law enforcement.

There needs to be two miracles – that is things that can be attributed to the proto-saint that defy rational explanation, here we would include John Paul II’s discouraging of people from using condoms in AIDS infested areas of Africa by stating that “they don’t work”.

Canonisation:-
After your cult has had your past inspected and beautified by the cult of the Church of Rome, and you have been proven to have broken earthly laws then, and only then, can you be made a saint. This rigorous process, using purely subjective criteria derived from the mistranslation of partially complete, heavily edited texts passed from generation to generation through word-of-mouth and illiterate story tellers, before being committed to heavily edited documents of dubious provenance that are nowadays found only as incomplete texts, awaiting the inevitable reboot, is rounded off by the arbitrary decision of the pope. The current pope is a straight-right-arm-saluting enthusiast who believes that places like the UK contain sinful levels of equality.

AV – Where Do The Parties Stand On The Voting System None Of Them Actually Want?

As the campaigning continues for the AV referendum, here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to where each of the major parties, and the Liberal Democrats, stand.

The Conservatives
The Conservatives feel that the current system is transparent, open and retains a direct link between an MP and his constituency duck house. The current system, whereby MPs can be elected with only 35% of the vote, supports a party so dismally nasty that they couldn’t win an outright majority over a Labour Party led by a man that had spent the previous 18 months being called 'wanker' by newspapers, CBeebies TV shows and his own mum.

Labour
Ed Milliband has, apparently, said that he will support a ‘Yes’ campaign. At least that was what Geoff said he thought he heard and he was closest to the toilet door. In the 80s the Labour Party was considered to be unelectable under first-past-the-post system, until Tony Blair turned the TUC wall map around and pointed out where communist Russia actually was. After that it took 6 wars, two economic crisis, 14 affairs, foot-and-mouth, foot-in-mouth and a game of croquet to finally get John Prescott to free up some time to go on Top Gear.

The Liberal Democrats
LibDem leader ‘Colonel’ Nick Clegg is in favour of AV – Aston Villa which is David Cameron’s favourite football team. As the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is one of the leading experts on unfair electoral systems but he is a passionate supporter of Nick Clegg being deputy Prime Minister. It is not just on the subject of AV that Nick Clegg has been described as a “miserable little compromise”.

SNP
The Scottish Nationalists are not actually in favour of AV as such, what with it being proposed by an Englishman, instead they are in favour of a system known as STN – the Single Transferable Note. Under this system a huge credit note is forwarded from London to Edinburgh each year so the English can pay for the Scots to moan about how beastly they are being by subsidising every Scots children’s right to free prescriptions, education and Tennant’s Extra. The SNP has long complained that the first-past-the-post system leads to an unrepresentative government in Westminster – what with party leaders such as Tony Blair being born in Edinburgh, Sir Menzies Campbell, Charles Kennedy, Gordon Brown all being Scottish and even David Cameron having a bloody Scottish surname.

Plaid Cymru
The Welsh nationalists don’t want AV either, they are also keen on the STN system. However they are also upset that the vote will take place on the same day that the National Assembly of Wales election takes place and the winner of the Best Leak is chosen by Max Boyce.

Northern Ireland Parties
Don’t knee-cap me.

The Green Party
They don’t want AV either. Something about all that paper used in the ballot process. Instead they want a system where each voter typically gets two votes - one for an individual, and one for a party. The exact proportion of constituency representatives and list representatives is decided by a community council members in an eco-friendly commune meeting, where everyone wears hemp. And doesn’t wash. Apparently the Green Party of Scotland disagrees with that of England and, surprisingly, is more in favour of the Single Transferable Note system (see SNP).

UK Independence Party
UKIP sees the current first-past-the-post system as a “nightmare” because “no one votes for us”. They too are not in favour of AV because “no one will vote for us”. They prefer a system called ‘AV plus’ by which all candidates must have no idea of Britain’s geography or international trading partners. Under the AV plus system no one will vote for them either.

BNP
The BNP don’t want AV either. They see it as unfair that as voters rank their favourite candidates the traditional white ballot papers would have to incur such an increased level of black markings.

English Democrats
The English (not British) Democrats actually support the AV system – at fucking last - sadly there are only three of them and all four are batshit crazy.

Christian Peoples Alliance
They may be irrational but that doesn’t stop them having a coherent policy. As their leader says himself under the current system "the same party wins every time”. Apart from 1802. And 1806. Oh and 1830. Whoops don’t forget about 1835 and 1841. And 1847. Or 1852, Yes, the same winner every time. No wait there was 1857, 1874, 1880, 1885, 1895, 1906, 1922, 1923, 1924, 1929, 1935, 1945, 1951, 1964, 1970, 1974, 1979, 1997 and finally 2010 when we all lost. And anyway, if you local area is shit, it's because God wanted it that way.

Respect
No, they feel that AV is not representative enough either and that democracy is being let down by the state. Is it ‘cos the voting pencil is black?

Jury Team
The Jury Team is definitely in support of limiting government borrowing to 10% of expenditure on a time machine to take them all back to the 1950s. They aren’t in favour of AV (that would be mad, look at this list for who is). No they are against the whole referendum! I don’t know why they are moaning anyway, 2011 is just like 1951. No one can afford a banana.

Communist Party
You’ll never guess - but they aren’t up for AV either. They are, however, in favour of a radically more representative voting system, whereby a few hundred people, motivated by their lust for power and a desire to avoid hard labour, rubber stamp the lunatic ravings of 6 debauched old men who are at the safe end of a loaded gun. Everyone else will be given a single, transferable potato. The lucky bastards.

Turkeys In Iceland Vote Against Christmas Shock

News that the people of Iceland had voted 'No' in the referendum asking if they should pay back money to investors has been met by clamours from millions of British children who want to move to the mid-Atlantic island.

“Daddy said that the people of Iceland did not have to follow rules and stuff. They don't have to take out rubbish or tidy their rooms or anything but they still get all their pocket money,” said Mary, aged 11. “I bet they also get to stay up late and eat just donut icing for their tea. It's probably why the country is called Iceland.”

The demand from British children to move to Iceland came after the Icelandic government, led by the sloped-shouldered Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, decided not to fulfil their international commitments. Since people might shout at them they decided to pass the buck onto the people who pay them to make such decisions on their behalf.

“It is complicated to pay squillions and squillions back, since if we did it we'd probably have to raise taxes and this would mean less sweets for the children of Iceland, which is all we eat of course,” said Ms Sigurðardóttir, 9, from her bouncy castle in Reykjavík North. “It has nothing at all to do with me then being voted out of office for making other Icelandic children sad you baddies.”

The leader of the ruling Teflon Party said that it had considered all available options in terms of fulfilling its international obligations but the sums were very hard indeed. Instead they asked all of the other Icelandic children over 18 to vote on whether they would like to do something unpleasant or not.

“We discussed whether we could make a tent and hide under our duvets, or perhaps all phone up Britain and say we have funny tummies,” said the Prime Minister. “We were as shocked as anyone at the result of the referendum question 'Should we pay back money to Britain and Holland who are just being mean, horrible bullies?' So there!”

The UK treasury said that it was going to pursue every avenue possible to reclaim the €4bn that it felt it was owed.

“If they won't pay back money owed then clearly no one is going to be lending them more money in the future. This might not be a good long-term position for them to be in, given their country is essentially a volcano covered in dead fish and seal poo,” said Chancellor George Osborne, 12, from his Whitehall rumpus room. “But most importantly I shall be raising the important issue at the next meeting of the world's Finance Ministers, that Iceland’s Minister, Billings Billingssen smells and has a small willy.”

Electoral Reform Means Aston Villa To Be Crowned Premier League Champions In May

As the rival camps set out their cases for the referendum in May, Nick Clegg, leading champion of the Yes campaign revealed his desire to spread AV to all walks of life and to realise his dream he was prepared to fight to the last councillor.

"Alternative to Voting is a key principle that the LibDem people are fighting for, it is in fact the only LibDem policy in the Glorious People's Listening Revolutionary Coalition,” said the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister. “And there is no reason why a simple 'first past the post system' should be able to decide anything.”

Under the new Alternative to Voting system, traditions such as the competing party getting the most points being declared winners will be swept aside as the 2010 LibDem People's Democratic revolution continues.

“I am, and I therefore assume everyone else is, a passionate supporter of football, steeplechasing and golf, just as I am a supporter of tuition fees for students, a privatised health system and the ideological cuts of the far right,” said Colonel Nick Clegg. “As the glorious Yellow Week of May has shown, it is the career aspirations of the LibDem minority that must be represented in government and adopting the Alternative to Voting system we can continue the glorious Yellow Revolution indefinitely.”

Today's Grand National will be awarded to the leading horse whose jockey is wearing Yellow silks, and the prized Master's green jacket will be handed from last year's winner to the player with the lowest 72-hole score, who will then hand it on to Mr Clegg who will pronounce himself winner and the jacket to be yellow coloured.

“Aston Villa, David Cameron's favourite team and therefore one I support wholeheartedly, have scored more goals in Birmingham than any other side whose name begins with A that has a French manager, and so clearly they would pick up the primary votes in that category and so will be Premier League champions.” explained the architect of the nation's democratic future. “Apart from Arsenal, who won't win under any system.”

Britain Apologises For The State Of The World: “Yeah, sorry about all the jet travel, computers, health and education we gave you.”

Britain today accepted that it should “Just piss off” and leave the rest of Earth’s inhabitants to enjoy the benefits of a Britain-free existence.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about it and yeah, the current world is all our fault, we've contributed nothing,” said Britain last night as it packed its bags. “Without Britain the world would be a very different place and we can only assume better.”

Britain has faced criticism for decades, with it's national identity turning to an alcohol fuelled paranoia.

“Oh, that Whiskey is good stuff, British invention you know. Yeah, we've done nothing of value, apart from the World Wide Web of course, or the electronic computer, or even the mechanical one for that matter. Nothing, that's what, we've done, nothing,” said Britain via a telephone interview. “Or the telephone, that was one of my mob that invented that.”

Britain said that when you look at the state of the modern world it was forced to admit it really is all its fault, from the current political make-up to our understanding of global geography.

“Oh, yeah, Whiskey, I mean people come over here – which is something they wouldn’t have been able to do if we hadn’t sorted out Longitude of course or jet travel - and tell us how crap we are,” said Britain. “Mind you they like to stay here for years while they do it. Odd that.

“However I want to issue this apology, on behalf of every Briton that has ever existed,” said the former dominant super power. “We are sorry we sacrificed everything to preserve freedom and the rule of democratic civil law – something we essentially invented – twice..

“Yeah, and America right, we are terribly sorry that we gave you a sound capitalist foundation, the principles of English common-law and an industrialised society to start you out. We were unthinking bastards. We should have just given you the mammoths and rocks we started out with and you would have been happier I am sure. And we really, genuinely, are sorry that we are so inconsiderate to want to point out that we had something to do with winning World War II. We really are bastards by supplying over half the troops for the D-Day landings and all the naval forces, which so gets in the way of you appropriating our history. We gave you the british invention of the jet engine for nothing, and then we get upset when you betray us during the Suez crisis. Yep, nothing good has come of us, nothing.”

Britain refused to deny rumours that it was looking to set up a new home on Mars and would not divulge a forwarding address for begging letters from bankrupt European nations.

“No, you are all better off without us, aren't you. All you ever wanted from the last thousand years was to happily blunder around the in dark and praying that the sun god would rise again in the morning, or that a carpenter from 2000 years ago created everything in his previous job as a mythical being,” slurred the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. “And we just spoiled it with electricity, Joseph Swan’s light bulbs and that whole annoying science and evolution stuff. And contract law to facilitate global trade. And vaccines. Yeah, apart from that, what have the Britons ever done for us? Nothing.”

“I think Britain is getting a little over tired, and clearly a bit emotional,” said Spain at the annual 'Shit Britain' convention. “We know that Britain has a drink problem and I think they are becoming how you say, bad sports?”

“Sport? Hah! We invented them all! Football? Cricket? Golf? Baseball? Rugby? Even bloody table tennis!” screamed the frustrated island nation. “OK we are bad at those sports but we don’t moan when you bloody take all the international ruling bodies away from us and spell their titles backwards in French acronyms.

”And don’t let's get started on the French, some of the most fun we've ever had was bombing France whilst saving their collaborating-german-sausage-loving arses.

In other news, India has asked for global recognition for having founded modern mathematics by creating the zero.

“Exactly, zero,” slurred Britain as it lurched for the door. “They want credit for inventing nothing.”

Gaddafi Calls In Extended Warranty On Anti-Aircraft Systems

The UK government faces a bill potentially running into billions of pounds after apprentice Tom Jones tribute artist Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi filed claims against the extended warranties he had taken out on his anti-aircraft systems that he said had recently become “inoperative through normal use”

“Yes, I felt a bit bullied by the man in the shop when I first took out the extended warranty on these tanks and missile systems, but I don't look mad now,” explained Colonel Gaddafi in his bright blue liberation uniform. With gold braids. And a big cap. “I want to emphasise that I was only using them as per the instruction manual when the British bombed them.”

The Ministry Of Defence said that it was studying the claim carefully and if found to be valid it would launch a revision of its arms selling policies.

“The extended warranty is something we always emphasis to purchasers of weapons systems since they often operate in very hostile environments and could be easily damaged by our attempts to damage them,” said Clive Billingsworth at the MOD. “It seems one of our salesman offered a sweetener deal. When Libya took out the extra cover on the Bofors 40mm autocannon we gave them a free gold-plated HDMI cable.”

The joy in Tripoli at the prospect of a large payout was curtailed upon news that during the night a RAF Tornado had fired a smart missile that mysteriously on managed to destroy a single filing cabinet in the Libyan finance ministry.

“Our review of the Libyan claim has concluded and it transpired overnight that they will be unable to produce the necessary paperwork to support their claim,” explained Billingsworth. “However the good news for any new government in Libya is that we currently have a load of anti-aircraft weaponry on sale at the moment since all of the manuals are written in Egyptian.”

MOD Admits That The Army Has Been Stolen

There were red faces in Whitehall last night as a freedom of information request forced the Ministry of Defence to admit that the Army was either lost or stolen.


“In the last few years we have lost nearly our entire army,” explained Brigadier General Sir Herbert Billingsworth DSO. “We still have the Royal Nay though, it is currently patrolling the Serpentine in Hyde Park."

The news came after an MP requested information on the armed forces upon realising that it had been some time since anyone had seen the Army out and about and that it wasn’t answering the phone.

“To be honest we did have a nagging feeling that something was awry, I used to have loads of soldiers all in lines at parades and the like, I needed a car to inspect them all,” said the Brigadier General. “I first became suspicious when I realised the inspection of active servicemen was finished as soon as I checked my driver's collar was turned down en route to the parade.”

The Brigadier General said that an intensive search had been carried out for the Army and enquiries had been made with its most important contacts, but local pub landlords and prostitutes where equally mystified by its disappearance.

“We were hopeful we might be able to recover an aeroplane as we had information that some had been seen being operated by something called an RAF,” said Billingsworth. “However when we questioned the shell-shocked and battle-weary group disembarking it turned out to be a scheduled RyanAir flight.”

The list of MOD property that has been stolen runs to many pages and not only includes the loss of the armed forces, but following the botched SAS mission that was captured by Libyan farmers the inventory was re-issued to include the loss of reputation and respect.

“On the other hand we have gained the support of The Sun,” said Billingsworth. “And Jim Davidson. Bugger.”

Anti-HS2 Campaigners Can't Get To Anywhere To Protest

Campaigners trying to save the pristine, virgin countryside they say is threatened by proposals for a new High Speed line from Birmingham to London have run into an obstacle due to their principled stance against countryside damage and compulsory purchases.

“We were going to go down to that there London, but it turns out it isn't at the end of our road,” explained campaigner Hillary Billingsworth, 35. “In fact London isn't even in our lovely, picturesque village, with its robust house prices.”

The campaigners are concerned that the area around the Chilterns, which has lain untouched for hundreds of years after all the forests where cut down for farms and to build the Elizabethan royal navy, may have its character permanently altered by having trains run through it periodically.

“This land has been just like it is now since I was born and, therefore, must always have been like this and, therefore, must always remain like this,” said Billingsworth. “Apparently some of these so-called trains make noise, whatever that is, and we simply can't have any ducks in the area inconvenienced by periodically not being able to hear a frog.”

The obstacle to increased protests is that there is no mechanism by which the campaigners can go anywhere where there heartfelt pleas on behalf of the wolves and bears that where displaced by the clear-cutting of the forests in the middle ages can be heard.

“Well, I worked out where London is, but just as I was about to buy a train ticket one of our members pointed out that the Great Western train line had in fact been built through countryside 150 years ago,” said Billingsworth. “It was a great shock to us all I can tell you.”

The group's revised plans, to take a rail replacement coach trip to Parliament Square, were then thrown into disarray by another member who had recently borrowed a book on transport from their local library, which has since closed.

“Well, Brian said that the motorway was only built in the 1960s and that previously it had all been countryside,” said Billingsworth. “It turns out it is countryside under all the roads, and people's houses were demolished to build some of the bridges. It is very alarming.”

The campaigners have finally solved the transport problem, although they do admit that the revised travel plans will make their journey times somewhat longer as they plan to walk to Birmingham airport and then fly to London.

“We remembered what a good job it was that Mother Nature made all those natural tarmac runways for us to land planes on when we visit charming, unspoilt villages in Tuscany! Mind you a two-day trek across the hills to Birmingham will be a bit of a palaver,” said Billingsworth. “If only there was some other way to get from Birmingham to London quickly.”

Yeah, It Is An Apple, Yeah It Is Cool, The F***ing Piece Of F***ing S***

In coffee shops and libraries all over the world, apart from Britain where there are no libraries, students, writers and posers nod to each other in acknowledgement of their shared experience of using Apple products. But where it was once knowingly being one of the in-crowd, now it is sympathy with a fellow sufferer.

“Yeah, man, the MacBook is cool, it looks good, and everything just works,” said Paul Billingsworth at the British Library before muttering under his breath. “Well apart from managing any files, or backing up to a Windows server. Or typing in text.”

Historically the Apple laptop or as it is more commonly known the 'why put the backslash there you piece of shit' MacBook has been the provision of the graphic designer, someone whose stock-in-trade is form over function. However with the success of other Apple products such as the iPad everyone has a MacBook. And they are starting to annoy us.

“It used to be cool. You'd sit there, with your 'why the hell have the default behaviour of a function key to be something laptop specific piece of shit' MacBook, and tell everyone just how 'everything's so intuitive you only need one mouse button',” explained Billingsworth. “But secretly you'd think 'eventually, once you'd figured out that fn+backspace was delete. For fucks sake.”

While most still agree that the MacBook is by far the neatest piece of laptop hardware with its marvellous looking aluminium case. Its famed battery life is best in class by virtue only of being on tightly controlled hardware of a mid-range spec, despite the price premium.

“Everyone's got one now so everyone knows that the glowing logo on the lid means I paid twice as much as the corresponding Windows laptop for the same spec and that I’m likely to have to bin it if the battery fails to hold charge because I can't replace the fucking thing,” explained Billingsworth. “Oh and you don't have a Home or an End key. It's like an Apple designer has never actually used a laptop for any actual fucking work. Fucking piece of fucking shit.”

Technology pundits say that the so-called 'MacLash' is starting to become apparent because normal computer users have been lured from other Apple products.

“Many people just experiment a little, say an iPad at a party, or maybe they occasionally have an iPod purely for recreational use,” said technology writer Mr Bloggy. “Then they start to get onto the harder stuff, maybe meet up with a hardcore MacBook dealer and then it's a spiral and before they know it they are slumped in despair at home in front of a couple of grands worth of iMac. Apple really screws you up.”

“And if you add a special key – like the command key – why fucking have that as the fucking key you have to press to use standard fucking functions? Why not use one of those fucking control keys they introduced on word-processors about 40 years ago?” shouted Billingsworth in the British Library Cafe. ““And another thing. Finder? What the fucking, fucketty-fuck is that? All you want to do is move a file, but no, no cut option. It's like the 80s never happened.”

“'Everything just works' my arse! Saving a document makes you assume the fuckers at Apple think all you want to do is spray 'New Folders' around like a drunk stationer in a force nine gale,” continued Billingsworth screaming next to the King's Library before adding ”Ooh, is that one of the new Thunderbolt MacBooks? Nice!”

Gaddafi Considers Future On The X-Factor Tour

Aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi, has reacted defiantly to the missile bombardment from US and UK naval assets and the as yet completely un-surrendered French airforce.

“History has shown that I will prevail and I am fully on top of all of the events in the Middle East and elsewhere,” Gaddafi said in a radio address. “I have reached out to our brother who has had such success handling rebellion, his Excellency Saddam Hussein.”

Colonel Gaddafi said that not only was he convinced that the people of Libya were prepared to die for him, he said that he would ensure their wishes were fulfilled.

“Clearly Brother Saddam is a very busy despot, but he has experience of killing his own citizens that will be invaluable,” explained the Libyan leader. “I have also extended my hand in solidarity for the advice of the President of Yugoslavia – Slobodan Milosevic, who I am sure will call back soon too.”

Colonel Gaddafi continued his address by insisting that he had no intention of ever leaving Libya and that he wanted to continue as the country's leader as long as he was beloved by his people and they were shooting only his enemies.

“My ministers have been using the last Internet connection in Libya to check Wikipedia for stories of the triumphs of my peers, Saddam’s what?” continued Gaddafi in his radio address. “Oh, and Slobodan too? Really? And Stars in Their Eyes has gone too?”

Mr Gaddafi broke off his speech to ask of the fates of other power mad dictators, such as Pol-Pot and Augusto Pinochet. He was audibly heartened to learn that Simon Cowell was still alive. The Libyan leader then abruptly ended his speech by announcing there would be a medley of inspiring songs to rouse the people in his favour.

“Do you think Davina will do another celebrity special?” he was heard to ask. “Now, who wants to hear Delilah again?”

Defiant LibDem Leader : "All My People Love Me"

Embattled 'Colonel' Nick Clegg today rounded on his critics claiming that he was much loved and that it was outside agencies that were spreading rumours of protests. He also refuted ideas that he was no more than the honorary leader of the LibDem people and urged his coalition to “capture the rats” threatening Downing Street.

"No-one is against us. Against us for what? Because I'm not a leader. They love me. All my people are with me, they love me all, no one is protesting against me, the thousands outside this hall in Sheffield all love me.” explained the self-styled Deputy Prime Minister.

‘Colonel’ Clegg, whose regime of terror began when he held 60 million people hostage for 6 days in the summer of 2010, denied that he was ever the leader of the LibDem people, especially after 3pm. In his rambling, incoherent address he was at great lengths to support those seeking greater representation.

"We need to continue the glorious May revolution where revolutionaries vanquished western so-called traditions - such as further education and comprehensive healthcare for all,” said ‘Colonel’ Clegg. “The LibDem people know what it is to live under the oppression of an unpopular and unwanted government. Which is why we have given so much support to the Conservatives.”

During his hour long, rambling, televised speech, ‘Colonel’ Clegg said that up and down the land, in pubs and clubs, at the school gates or in Facebook chats, the only thing that mattered to people was the move to the Alternative Voting system.

“My presence is to instigate and incite the people for any change that David Cameron wants,” said Nick ‘Deputy Prime Minister’ Clegg. “The people of LibDem having power is the true Alternative to Voting.”