Electoral Reform Means Aston Villa To Be Crowned Premier League Champions In May

As the rival camps set out their cases for the referendum in May, Nick Clegg, leading champion of the Yes campaign revealed his desire to spread AV to all walks of life and to realise his dream he was prepared to fight to the last councillor.

"Alternative to Voting is a key principle that the LibDem people are fighting for, it is in fact the only LibDem policy in the Glorious People's Listening Revolutionary Coalition,” said the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister. “And there is no reason why a simple 'first past the post system' should be able to decide anything.”

Under the new Alternative to Voting system, traditions such as the competing party getting the most points being declared winners will be swept aside as the 2010 LibDem People's Democratic revolution continues.

“I am, and I therefore assume everyone else is, a passionate supporter of football, steeplechasing and golf, just as I am a supporter of tuition fees for students, a privatised health system and the ideological cuts of the far right,” said Colonel Nick Clegg. “As the glorious Yellow Week of May has shown, it is the career aspirations of the LibDem minority that must be represented in government and adopting the Alternative to Voting system we can continue the glorious Yellow Revolution indefinitely.”

Today's Grand National will be awarded to the leading horse whose jockey is wearing Yellow silks, and the prized Master's green jacket will be handed from last year's winner to the player with the lowest 72-hole score, who will then hand it on to Mr Clegg who will pronounce himself winner and the jacket to be yellow coloured.

“Aston Villa, David Cameron's favourite team and therefore one I support wholeheartedly, have scored more goals in Birmingham than any other side whose name begins with A that has a French manager, and so clearly they would pick up the primary votes in that category and so will be Premier League champions.” explained the architect of the nation's democratic future. “Apart from Arsenal, who won't win under any system.”

Britain Apologises For The State Of The World: “Yeah, sorry about all the jet travel, computers, health and education we gave you.”

Britain today accepted that it should “Just piss off” and leave the rest of Earth’s inhabitants to enjoy the benefits of a Britain-free existence.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about it and yeah, the current world is all our fault, we've contributed nothing,” said Britain last night as it packed its bags. “Without Britain the world would be a very different place and we can only assume better.”

Britain has faced criticism for decades, with it's national identity turning to an alcohol fuelled paranoia.

“Oh, that Whiskey is good stuff, British invention you know. Yeah, we've done nothing of value, apart from the World Wide Web of course, or the electronic computer, or even the mechanical one for that matter. Nothing, that's what, we've done, nothing,” said Britain via a telephone interview. “Or the telephone, that was one of my mob that invented that.”

Britain said that when you look at the state of the modern world it was forced to admit it really is all its fault, from the current political make-up to our understanding of global geography.

“Oh, yeah, Whiskey, I mean people come over here – which is something they wouldn’t have been able to do if we hadn’t sorted out Longitude of course or jet travel - and tell us how crap we are,” said Britain. “Mind you they like to stay here for years while they do it. Odd that.

“However I want to issue this apology, on behalf of every Briton that has ever existed,” said the former dominant super power. “We are sorry we sacrificed everything to preserve freedom and the rule of democratic civil law – something we essentially invented – twice..

“Yeah, and America right, we are terribly sorry that we gave you a sound capitalist foundation, the principles of English common-law and an industrialised society to start you out. We were unthinking bastards. We should have just given you the mammoths and rocks we started out with and you would have been happier I am sure. And we really, genuinely, are sorry that we are so inconsiderate to want to point out that we had something to do with winning World War II. We really are bastards by supplying over half the troops for the D-Day landings and all the naval forces, which so gets in the way of you appropriating our history. We gave you the british invention of the jet engine for nothing, and then we get upset when you betray us during the Suez crisis. Yep, nothing good has come of us, nothing.”

Britain refused to deny rumours that it was looking to set up a new home on Mars and would not divulge a forwarding address for begging letters from bankrupt European nations.

“No, you are all better off without us, aren't you. All you ever wanted from the last thousand years was to happily blunder around the in dark and praying that the sun god would rise again in the morning, or that a carpenter from 2000 years ago created everything in his previous job as a mythical being,” slurred the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. “And we just spoiled it with electricity, Joseph Swan’s light bulbs and that whole annoying science and evolution stuff. And contract law to facilitate global trade. And vaccines. Yeah, apart from that, what have the Britons ever done for us? Nothing.”

“I think Britain is getting a little over tired, and clearly a bit emotional,” said Spain at the annual 'Shit Britain' convention. “We know that Britain has a drink problem and I think they are becoming how you say, bad sports?”

“Sport? Hah! We invented them all! Football? Cricket? Golf? Baseball? Rugby? Even bloody table tennis!” screamed the frustrated island nation. “OK we are bad at those sports but we don’t moan when you bloody take all the international ruling bodies away from us and spell their titles backwards in French acronyms.

”And don’t let's get started on the French, some of the most fun we've ever had was bombing France whilst saving their collaborating-german-sausage-loving arses.

In other news, India has asked for global recognition for having founded modern mathematics by creating the zero.

“Exactly, zero,” slurred Britain as it lurched for the door. “They want credit for inventing nothing.”

Gaddafi Calls In Extended Warranty On Anti-Aircraft Systems

The UK government faces a bill potentially running into billions of pounds after apprentice Tom Jones tribute artist Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi filed claims against the extended warranties he had taken out on his anti-aircraft systems that he said had recently become “inoperative through normal use”

“Yes, I felt a bit bullied by the man in the shop when I first took out the extended warranty on these tanks and missile systems, but I don't look mad now,” explained Colonel Gaddafi in his bright blue liberation uniform. With gold braids. And a big cap. “I want to emphasise that I was only using them as per the instruction manual when the British bombed them.”

The Ministry Of Defence said that it was studying the claim carefully and if found to be valid it would launch a revision of its arms selling policies.

“The extended warranty is something we always emphasis to purchasers of weapons systems since they often operate in very hostile environments and could be easily damaged by our attempts to damage them,” said Clive Billingsworth at the MOD. “It seems one of our salesman offered a sweetener deal. When Libya took out the extra cover on the Bofors 40mm autocannon we gave them a free gold-plated HDMI cable.”

The joy in Tripoli at the prospect of a large payout was curtailed upon news that during the night a RAF Tornado had fired a smart missile that mysteriously on managed to destroy a single filing cabinet in the Libyan finance ministry.

“Our review of the Libyan claim has concluded and it transpired overnight that they will be unable to produce the necessary paperwork to support their claim,” explained Billingsworth. “However the good news for any new government in Libya is that we currently have a load of anti-aircraft weaponry on sale at the moment since all of the manuals are written in Egyptian.”

MOD Admits That The Army Has Been Stolen

There were red faces in Whitehall last night as a freedom of information request forced the Ministry of Defence to admit that the Army was either lost or stolen.


“In the last few years we have lost nearly our entire army,” explained Brigadier General Sir Herbert Billingsworth DSO. “We still have the Royal Nay though, it is currently patrolling the Serpentine in Hyde Park."

The news came after an MP requested information on the armed forces upon realising that it had been some time since anyone had seen the Army out and about and that it wasn’t answering the phone.

“To be honest we did have a nagging feeling that something was awry, I used to have loads of soldiers all in lines at parades and the like, I needed a car to inspect them all,” said the Brigadier General. “I first became suspicious when I realised the inspection of active servicemen was finished as soon as I checked my driver's collar was turned down en route to the parade.”

The Brigadier General said that an intensive search had been carried out for the Army and enquiries had been made with its most important contacts, but local pub landlords and prostitutes where equally mystified by its disappearance.

“We were hopeful we might be able to recover an aeroplane as we had information that some had been seen being operated by something called an RAF,” said Billingsworth. “However when we questioned the shell-shocked and battle-weary group disembarking it turned out to be a scheduled RyanAir flight.”

The list of MOD property that has been stolen runs to many pages and not only includes the loss of the armed forces, but following the botched SAS mission that was captured by Libyan farmers the inventory was re-issued to include the loss of reputation and respect.

“On the other hand we have gained the support of The Sun,” said Billingsworth. “And Jim Davidson. Bugger.”

Anti-HS2 Campaigners Can't Get To Anywhere To Protest

Campaigners trying to save the pristine, virgin countryside they say is threatened by proposals for a new High Speed line from Birmingham to London have run into an obstacle due to their principled stance against countryside damage and compulsory purchases.

“We were going to go down to that there London, but it turns out it isn't at the end of our road,” explained campaigner Hillary Billingsworth, 35. “In fact London isn't even in our lovely, picturesque village, with its robust house prices.”

The campaigners are concerned that the area around the Chilterns, which has lain untouched for hundreds of years after all the forests where cut down for farms and to build the Elizabethan royal navy, may have its character permanently altered by having trains run through it periodically.

“This land has been just like it is now since I was born and, therefore, must always have been like this and, therefore, must always remain like this,” said Billingsworth. “Apparently some of these so-called trains make noise, whatever that is, and we simply can't have any ducks in the area inconvenienced by periodically not being able to hear a frog.”

The obstacle to increased protests is that there is no mechanism by which the campaigners can go anywhere where there heartfelt pleas on behalf of the wolves and bears that where displaced by the clear-cutting of the forests in the middle ages can be heard.

“Well, I worked out where London is, but just as I was about to buy a train ticket one of our members pointed out that the Great Western train line had in fact been built through countryside 150 years ago,” said Billingsworth. “It was a great shock to us all I can tell you.”

The group's revised plans, to take a rail replacement coach trip to Parliament Square, were then thrown into disarray by another member who had recently borrowed a book on transport from their local library, which has since closed.

“Well, Brian said that the motorway was only built in the 1960s and that previously it had all been countryside,” said Billingsworth. “It turns out it is countryside under all the roads, and people's houses were demolished to build some of the bridges. It is very alarming.”

The campaigners have finally solved the transport problem, although they do admit that the revised travel plans will make their journey times somewhat longer as they plan to walk to Birmingham airport and then fly to London.

“We remembered what a good job it was that Mother Nature made all those natural tarmac runways for us to land planes on when we visit charming, unspoilt villages in Tuscany! Mind you a two-day trek across the hills to Birmingham will be a bit of a palaver,” said Billingsworth. “If only there was some other way to get from Birmingham to London quickly.”

Yeah, It Is An Apple, Yeah It Is Cool, The F***ing Piece Of F***ing S***

In coffee shops and libraries all over the world, apart from Britain where there are no libraries, students, writers and posers nod to each other in acknowledgement of their shared experience of using Apple products. But where it was once knowingly being one of the in-crowd, now it is sympathy with a fellow sufferer.

“Yeah, man, the MacBook is cool, it looks good, and everything just works,” said Paul Billingsworth at the British Library before muttering under his breath. “Well apart from managing any files, or backing up to a Windows server. Or typing in text.”

Historically the Apple laptop or as it is more commonly known the 'why put the backslash there you piece of shit' MacBook has been the provision of the graphic designer, someone whose stock-in-trade is form over function. However with the success of other Apple products such as the iPad everyone has a MacBook. And they are starting to annoy us.

“It used to be cool. You'd sit there, with your 'why the hell have the default behaviour of a function key to be something laptop specific piece of shit' MacBook, and tell everyone just how 'everything's so intuitive you only need one mouse button',” explained Billingsworth. “But secretly you'd think 'eventually, once you'd figured out that fn+backspace was delete. For fucks sake.”

While most still agree that the MacBook is by far the neatest piece of laptop hardware with its marvellous looking aluminium case. Its famed battery life is best in class by virtue only of being on tightly controlled hardware of a mid-range spec, despite the price premium.

“Everyone's got one now so everyone knows that the glowing logo on the lid means I paid twice as much as the corresponding Windows laptop for the same spec and that I’m likely to have to bin it if the battery fails to hold charge because I can't replace the fucking thing,” explained Billingsworth. “Oh and you don't have a Home or an End key. It's like an Apple designer has never actually used a laptop for any actual fucking work. Fucking piece of fucking shit.”

Technology pundits say that the so-called 'MacLash' is starting to become apparent because normal computer users have been lured from other Apple products.

“Many people just experiment a little, say an iPad at a party, or maybe they occasionally have an iPod purely for recreational use,” said technology writer Mr Bloggy. “Then they start to get onto the harder stuff, maybe meet up with a hardcore MacBook dealer and then it's a spiral and before they know it they are slumped in despair at home in front of a couple of grands worth of iMac. Apple really screws you up.”

“And if you add a special key – like the command key – why fucking have that as the fucking key you have to press to use standard fucking functions? Why not use one of those fucking control keys they introduced on word-processors about 40 years ago?” shouted Billingsworth in the British Library Cafe. ““And another thing. Finder? What the fucking, fucketty-fuck is that? All you want to do is move a file, but no, no cut option. It's like the 80s never happened.”

“'Everything just works' my arse! Saving a document makes you assume the fuckers at Apple think all you want to do is spray 'New Folders' around like a drunk stationer in a force nine gale,” continued Billingsworth screaming next to the King's Library before adding ”Ooh, is that one of the new Thunderbolt MacBooks? Nice!”

Gaddafi Considers Future On The X-Factor Tour

Aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi, has reacted defiantly to the missile bombardment from US and UK naval assets and the as yet completely un-surrendered French airforce.

“History has shown that I will prevail and I am fully on top of all of the events in the Middle East and elsewhere,” Gaddafi said in a radio address. “I have reached out to our brother who has had such success handling rebellion, his Excellency Saddam Hussein.”

Colonel Gaddafi said that not only was he convinced that the people of Libya were prepared to die for him, he said that he would ensure their wishes were fulfilled.

“Clearly Brother Saddam is a very busy despot, but he has experience of killing his own citizens that will be invaluable,” explained the Libyan leader. “I have also extended my hand in solidarity for the advice of the President of Yugoslavia – Slobodan Milosevic, who I am sure will call back soon too.”

Colonel Gaddafi continued his address by insisting that he had no intention of ever leaving Libya and that he wanted to continue as the country's leader as long as he was beloved by his people and they were shooting only his enemies.

“My ministers have been using the last Internet connection in Libya to check Wikipedia for stories of the triumphs of my peers, Saddam’s what?” continued Gaddafi in his radio address. “Oh, and Slobodan too? Really? And Stars in Their Eyes has gone too?”

Mr Gaddafi broke off his speech to ask of the fates of other power mad dictators, such as Pol-Pot and Augusto Pinochet. He was audibly heartened to learn that Simon Cowell was still alive. The Libyan leader then abruptly ended his speech by announcing there would be a medley of inspiring songs to rouse the people in his favour.

“Do you think Davina will do another celebrity special?” he was heard to ask. “Now, who wants to hear Delilah again?”

Defiant LibDem Leader : "All My People Love Me"

Embattled 'Colonel' Nick Clegg today rounded on his critics claiming that he was much loved and that it was outside agencies that were spreading rumours of protests. He also refuted ideas that he was no more than the honorary leader of the LibDem people and urged his coalition to “capture the rats” threatening Downing Street.

"No-one is against us. Against us for what? Because I'm not a leader. They love me. All my people are with me, they love me all, no one is protesting against me, the thousands outside this hall in Sheffield all love me.” explained the self-styled Deputy Prime Minister.

‘Colonel’ Clegg, whose regime of terror began when he held 60 million people hostage for 6 days in the summer of 2010, denied that he was ever the leader of the LibDem people, especially after 3pm. In his rambling, incoherent address he was at great lengths to support those seeking greater representation.

"We need to continue the glorious May revolution where revolutionaries vanquished western so-called traditions - such as further education and comprehensive healthcare for all,” said ‘Colonel’ Clegg. “The LibDem people know what it is to live under the oppression of an unpopular and unwanted government. Which is why we have given so much support to the Conservatives.”

During his hour long, rambling, televised speech, ‘Colonel’ Clegg said that up and down the land, in pubs and clubs, at the school gates or in Facebook chats, the only thing that mattered to people was the move to the Alternative Voting system.

“My presence is to instigate and incite the people for any change that David Cameron wants,” said Nick ‘Deputy Prime Minister’ Clegg. “The people of LibDem having power is the true Alternative to Voting.”

Liverpool Fans Express Their Disgust At Player's Lack Of Loyalty

Following the shock move of several millionaires from one football club paying them millions to another paying them slightly more millions many fans expressed their shock and anger at the lack of loyalty being shown

"Fernando Torres has shown absolutely no loyalty to the true fans," said one supporter. "By moving on from Liverpool to Chelsea he has once again failed to show any dedication to Athletico Madrid."

The Spanish football star followed a trail of pound notes to the Premier League in 2007, dedicating half of his 6 year contract to trying really hard to make someone give him a shiny pot with red ribbons on it before trying for one with blue ribbons. However his superstar replacement at Anfield, Luis Suarez immediately made an impact with fans.

"The boy's come straight into the side and scored on his debut after his big money transfer from Ajax, " said 60s Reds hero Tommy Billingsworth. "The disloyal Uruguayan bastard should be working hard back at Nacional."

Fans in Chelsea, where Mr Torres's trail of pound notes has lead him so far where eagerly awaiting the arrival of Britain’s most expensive player as they prepare for him to make his debut against Liverpool on Sunday.

"I've already bought my shirt with Torres' name on the back," said a Chelsea fan yesterday. "I am going to burn it just before kick-off to show the disloyal Spanish bastard how I'll feel when he leaves in a couple of years time."

A big angry man who used to be very proud to dress as a bar code at the weekend, before donning a suit to appear in court on the following Monday, was keen to emphasise his loyalty.

"Tell the fans that I have always pledged my allegiance to the Queen and am an avid collector of portraits of her," said Andy Carroll as he practiced the route between Anfield and Liverpool Crown Court. "So loyal am I that I collect 170,000 pictures of her every week."

Government Denies Rats At Number 10 Are To Be Invited Into The Coalition

The government moved to distance itself from reports of the sightings of rats near the door to Number 10 Downing Street, and also denied that there was a desperate need for any form of pest control.

“There is no need for any extra steps to control the vermin, yes a few have sneaked into Downing Street and started to shit over everything,” said David “Dave” Cameron. “But we are confident we can keep the Lib Dem problem under control.”

Civil servants said that whilst the vermin infestation had seen a noticeable increase since May there was no need to replace Number 10's famous Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office, Humphrey, who died in mysterious circumstances in 2006.

“Humphrey had a long and distinguished career behind him,” said a spokesman. “His death was of course a shame but to be expected. He was an old cat with no enemies who died of natural causes. In a sack in the River Fleet outflow near Blackfriars. After having stabbed himself. No, no one mentioned Lord Mandelson.”

Humphrey the car was adopted by Downing Street in 1989 but was forced to leave office under a cloud after Labour won power. He famously came to prominence giving damning testimony on the use of biological agents, such as Camembert, to a House of Commons select committee investigation into WMD - Weapons of Mouse Destruction.

However whilst the prime minister's office is adamant that in this period of government austerity there should be no increase in the public sector tuna bill, there are other factions keen to pursue the use of chemical means to control Downing Street's pest problems.

“We have discussed a bulk of order of Canesten for Nick Clegg and the rest of the Lib Dems,” revealed a spokesman. “We really do need something to get rid of these irritating twats.”

Newspapers In Disarray As Man With Normal Hair Charged With Murder Of Joanna Yeates

Staff at The Sun were said to be devastated that a man with normal looking hair had been charged with the murder of young, blonde, architect, Joanna Yeates, seemingly the only woman to go missing over Christmas.

"The cops have now got to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible because this bloke Tabak has normal looking hair, and a girlfriend and everything,” said Emily Billingsworth, Donkey Porn actress and secret journalist for The Sun. “He's not a loner and his hair is simply not blue enough to be a murderer. If his hair isn't mad, he can't be.”

Pals said Sun “journos” were distraught that their beautiful “weird, posh, lewd, creepy” innuendo filled story had been murdered at such a young age.

“We really are in bits, we have got people all over the place, some even in Holland which is outside London, apparently,” said a tired and emotional Billingsworth, 19, who was seen leaving a nightclub at 3am this morning and wanted to set the record straight. “I am not putting on weight, it is an allergic reaction to the same bipolar medication Kerry Katona takes.”

The newsroom at the Daily Mail was, however, said to be pleased to be able to extend their in-depth coverage of the murder and that recent developments had vindicated the “newspapers” general editorial stance.

“Whilst Jo wasn't the only person to go missing over Christmas she was of course the most attractive-blonde-female of those that did,” said one staff member at the Daily Mail who did not wish to be named to spare his family from the shame of what he did for a living. “But of course this Vincent Tabak bloke looks to be a typical, dodgy, foreigner who came over here to take our jobs and our lovely fruity, blonde, women.”

Parents Petition Iraq Inquiry So Soldiers Remembered Not As Fallen Heroes But Murderers Killed In The Act

As Tony Blair returned to give evidence at the Iraq Inquiry several parents of soldiers killed in action continued to insist that their sons were perpetrators of murder, terrorism and armed revolution and should not be thought of as brave young men fighting for their country, their families or their way of life.

“My son Steven died in Iraq in what I want the inquiry to confirm as an illegal war so that I remember my son appropriately,” said proud father Herbert Billingsworth whose son was killed in a helicopter accident three years ago. “Steven was proud to be part of the British Army and he has been commemorated as a war hero. But really he should be remembered as a trained mercenary employed by a rogue regime to enact bloody revolution in a foreign land.”

Herbert Billingsworth is determined to ensure that the evil mastermind of the plot of Arab world domination is unmasked and brought to justice.

“I want the inquiry to confirm that my son volunteered to be a henchman to Tony 'Drax' Blair's evil plan to steal the world's oil,” said Billingsworth. “Rather than someone who died for their country, Steven can be remembered as a highly dangerous and murderous gang member.”

Herbert Billingsworth also wants the inquiry to confirm that the professional soldiers should have had a choice not only of the wars they fought but also of the tools and equipment they were given to use in battle.

“Any self-respecting warmonger or evil megalomaniac makes sure that their henchmen have the latest in death rays, biological weapons and portable shark-tanks in which to hide captured satellites,” said Billingsworth. “The so-called soldiers fighting for this murderous regime are so poorly equipped they don't even have proper jet packs or metal teeth.”

A spokes-henchman for Tony Blair would not comment on matters to do with the Iraq inquiry, or even if Blair would answer questions whilst stroking a pussy. Cherie Blair is believed to be out of the country.

Tube “drivers” Announce Plans To Strike In The Face Anyone Seen Smiling In London

ASLEF, the union that represents a broad spectrum of London Underground employees who spend all day sitting and pushing a button, have announced that its members have voted to strike anyone found in London on their day off squarely in the face.

“Our members, who sit in the train cab and push the button to close the doors and instruct the train to drive itself to the next station, cannot risk being distracted by people smiling in London. This normally isn't a problem – who does smile on the Tube anyway?” said Keith Billingsworth, a representative of the supposed Train Drivers. “But they might smile on a day off, like a Bank Holiday. The smiling happy bastards. And our London Transport staff simply can't cope with that and will of course strike.”

ASLEF has said that the immediate reaction of any Transport for London staff member, when faced with a commuter with a smile on their face, would be forced to punch them sharply on the nose.

“Now, if our members are not to have to give up the opportunity of punching their passengers then they need to be compensated by receiving triple pay and a day off to recover from seeing an unpunched smile,” said Billingsworth. “They also need the day off to count all their cash.”

ASLEF was quick to point out that it wasn't a purely financial decision that has compelled them to threaten to resort to customer-striking unless they received quadruple benefits for working one day, it was the heavy burden of responsibility that they deal with on a daily basis.

“The person driving the train is probably one of the highest paid people on it, earning more than you because, unlike you and the pathetic reason you are on the train, he has a very important job to do,” extolled Billingsworth. “The Senior Train Drivers press two buttons – the one that makes the computer drive the train and the one that swaps the set of automated announcements to 'Tourist Mode' which tells people where the landmarks are. That is two buttons for a starting salary of barely over £40k. You compare that to your job - it really is a smack in the face.”

Dalglish Denies 20 Years Away From Liverpool Means He Is Out Of Touch And Vows To Help Club Match Leeds And Crystal Palace

Former Liverpool player and managerial legend Kenny Dalglish has returned to the home of his greatest footballing triumphs after a twenty year absence. Whilst he concedes he has been out of management for over a decade he was confident of being on top of the issues facing the club.

“Liverpool is a club with a proud history and the new owners know the high expectations of the club's loyal fans all over China,” said Dalglish as he spoke to journalists upon arrival at Liverpool Home Of The Beatles John 'Beatle' Lennon International Airport. “It may be a long time since I was at the club or managing a football team, but Liverpool should be vying at the top of Division One and I hope to build a team that can at least compete with Crystal Palace for third place.”

Dalglish has said that whilst he will not be taking charge of the first team as they take on fierce rivals Manchester United in the FA Cup Third Round he will be focussing on team morale and reviewing off-field activities.

“The first thing I will be doing is making sure that the players are well looked after and their needs met,” explained Dalglish. “I'll be talking to the shirt sponsors to see about having the players' houses re-painted and I have a meeting with Vauxhall to see about getting the players leases on the new Mark 2 Vauxhall Astras.”

Dalglish arrived back in the city only a few hours after nonagenarian Roy Hodgson left the club by mutual consent, with Liverpool promising him a nice trip to the seaside today and that they would come and visit every Sunday without fail and show him how to get the Antiques Roadshow on his new digital TV.

“The previous manager was a man of integrity and dignity, as well as a reliable source of Werther's Originals,” said Dalglish. “But today's modern game needs more than that, it needs someone who can relate to today's players and their celebrity lifestyles. This is why I am arranging for the team to meet chart-topper Chesney Hawkes at half time.”

Liverpool's owners, New England Sports Ventures, have demonstrated that they are not prepared to let any management issues linger after releasing their old manager, old Roy 'Old Man' Hodgson, after just seven months in charge. It is rumoured that should the situation at Liverpool Football Club degenerate any further they will send a taxi for Paul Gascoigne to bring over some beers and a fishing-rod.

Motorists Welcome Moves To Scrap Confusing Road Signs And Anything Else That Might Slow Them In Getting Home To See Corrie

As society continues its inexorable slide to removing any need for anybody to learn anything, ever, the government acquiesced to demands from people who filled in an online petition from their wrecked cars and promised to review and scrap any road sign that was not immediately understandable to either a 5 year old child or a common-sense using Daily Mail reader.

“It is simply not my responsibility to understand stupid road-signs, who on earth knows what 'Give Way' means anyway?” said Sophie Billingsworth. “All I want is a straight road to my house with no distractions. Having to take care at junctions sometimes makes me miss the start of Emmerdale. It's so unfair.”

However Twitter feeds and Facebook pages, the true measures of all matters of import in 2011, have been full of debate, with those both for and against the changes offering reasoned arguments in support of their position.

“Stupid signs, having to read them distracts me from texting what I had for lunch,” said @Crasher1981. Whereas another user commented that “If the road-signs did not tell me, how would I know what speed was safe to drive at? Especially at night, on unlit roads. In the snow. Whilst texting.”

Motoring organisations say that it is often signs that cause so-called 'Information Overload' which can lead to accidents, especially at busy junctions or if Gail McIntyre (née Potter; previously Tilsley, Platt and Hillman) has decided to marry yet another person from the same street.

“These signs are so boring, sure they may provide information but what use is that to anyone? Anyway common-sense says that I can either read a stupid sign or a tweet about Tracey Barlow, but not both,” said Billingsworth. “I have been driving for over 20 years and never had an accident – mind you I have seen plenty in my rear-view mirror.”

Archbishop Urges Learning A 400 Year Old Reboot Of An Iron Age Story And Then Prostitute Daughters To Pay Off Credit Cards

The Archbishop of Canterbury has urged the people of Britain to rediscover the original “story of the universe” as told in the King James Bible in their bid to understand their place in society. This, he says, will enable them to put their own lives into a wider perspective and to apply some old solutions to modern day problems.

“You may feel there's only one big story and that's about money and whether I have got a job tomorrow and whether my children can afford higher education,” explained the Archbishop. “But it is easy enough to send your sons to university, simply read Exodus 21:7 and sell your daughter into slavery to pay the tuition fees.”

The archbishop said that the bible provides other tools for helping families struggling with the harsh economic and employment times.

“Many people are struggling to pay their debts, and they are faced with banks and bailiffs attempting eviction or to remove their property,” explained the Archbishop. “Whilst the exact ratio of forced sex to repayment is a matter of some ecclesiastical debate, Genesis 19:8 provides a clear solution to the man with at least two daughters. Simply let the debt collectors rape them.”

The archbishop said that there are other areas in which the church and the Bible should be taken seriously as it is as relevant today as it was when man was slowly mastering iron as a tool and believed that the Earth was the centre of the universe.

“The government is wrestling with its spending commitments but once again the Bible can provide guidance, such as all that expense that the NHS incurs with childbirth.” said Dr Rowan Williams. “For example the NHS budget can be easily reduced by following Genesis 3:16 and prohibiting women from any pain relief during childbirth. They are unclean then anyway as the clear medical guidance of Leviticus 15:22 explains. So they probably should not have expensive doctors touching them either.”

In other budgetary matters the Archbishop said that the welfare cutbacks proposed by the coalition government were also in line with God’s teaching.

“I don’t think cutting Child Benefit and so on is going far enough, children, like all men should be put to work,” said Dr Williams. “After all does 2 Thessalonians 3:10 not say that he who shall not work shall not eat? Although I am working, of course I am, now did you know the Church can claim Gift Aid for this advice?”

Dr Williams said that leaving economics aside, the Bible was incredibly relevant to today’s modern societal and family structures.

“The story of the messiah gives us great insight into a family that may have broken up, or one with a parent keen to push a child forward in our celebrity obsessed culture,” said Dr Williams. “After all his absent father only finally acknowledged Jesus as his son once he was famous.”

Football “missing out on tragedies”

The Football Association today issued a statement urging teams and players to forge ever more tenuous links with community tragedies, such as missing people or murders. Following a peak in the early part of the 21st century the number of minutes silence observed at the start of matches has dropped alarmingly.


“The Premier League is the best in the world for aligning itself to tragedies such as loss in the community - whichever community that is - but the teams need to keep that momentum up that has been built up in the last two decades. In the week following 9/11 I must have attended at least 6 minutes silences, but this season I've sat through dozens of games this season and seen nothing but football,” said FA spokesman Richard Billingsworth. “All that the teams used to need was a picture of a missing child in a football kit and they would arrange a for a player to mow the parent's lawn.”

The FA is concerned that recent high-profile murders or the search for missing persons have not caused any overt reaction from the teams.

“Christmas is a period with a lot of high-profile matches shown on the TV all over the world, yet the people of China had no cause to look at their watches angrily as the players stood around the centre circle for no good reason,” said Billingsworth. “Children's role models need to be on display to maximise the sales opportunities for club remembrance packages.”

The FA was said to be further dismayed that the electronic advertising around Premier League pitches has not been used to show any pictures of pretty blonde missing girls for some time. However, despite recent poor performance, the association still had some dependable resources to fall back on.

“Well, we in the FA, still have one area where we can rely on the standards to be maintained,” revealed Billingsworth. “We have got the England national side, which is a continual source of national tragedy.”

Police To Unveil Special Dog Walking Constables Branch Of Missing Person’s Bureau

The police forces of England and Wales will continue moves at both modernisation and cost reduction with the inauguration of a world first branch of Special Dog Walking Constables, to take place in the New Year.

“For many years we have struggled with the effectiveness of our Missing Persons bureau, we hope to boost that with specially deputised dog walkers,” explained Chief Constable Billingsworth. “If it is a success we will look to employ some early morning joggers too.”

In recent years it has become apparent that hundreds of trained Police dog handlers performing methodical searches of towns, cities and the countryside have a success rate far below a retired bank manager walking a Yorkshire terrier.

“Hardly a month goes past without the body of a missing person being discovered in the undergrowth not by the police but by a member of the public out walking their dog,” said Billingsworth. “We have spent millions on helicopters, metal detectors and training but really the likes of Mr Scruffles and his four legged friends are much more effective. Although they do tend to chew the bodies’ fingers.”

The move has been welcomed by the Home Office which sees a dependence on members of the public’s opportunism as being key to the effectiveness of Britain’s remaining policeman on the beat.

“The Great British public has always played a key role in the location of dead bodies,” said a spokesman. “Whether that be dog walkers, long distance lorry drivers with their roguish smiles and mysterious rolls of carpet or the early more traditional early morning jogging murderer.”

The new “Big Society” approach to criminal investigations may also improve the breadth of searches for missing people, the Home Office believes, such as the case of a British boy who went missing in South Africa this summer.

“Certainly there is an opportunity to increase the types of searches and the success rates,” said the spokesman. “Normally all we ever see on the TV is people searching for pretty, blonde, female bodies.”

The increased usage of dog walkers will free up Police officers for more vital desk based roles in the hunt for missing people.

“We plan, over time, to transfer staff to our eBay missing person search group,” said Billingsworth. “They have had great success when purchasing old fridge-freezers that are padlocked shut.”

Audi, BMW, Porsche Announce Immediate Recall Of Key Models

As Britain slowly recovered from a dump of snow the likes of which the country had not seen for at least the last 10 months of living memory, Germany’s leading car manufacturers announced an urgent recall of their 4x4 models.

“We don’t know what is wrong with the cars, but it must be fixed immediately,” said Helmut Billingzwerk of the Deutsch Verband fur Unsozial Automobile Idioten Besitzerinnen. “Despite all our testing in Norway and the Arctic, it seems our most expensive 4x4 models were unable to deal with a bit of ice on any road near a British school.”

The German manufacturers are responding to the continuing news footage of teachers unable to drive up the road to the local school when it is snowing and being forced to abandon their cars for hours on end in the multi-storey car parks of out of town shopping centres.

“It was such a nightmare for my little girls Cheryl, Colleen and Dannii, we just could not get into school as the ice and snow made it too dangerous. I expect,” explained Emma, a Porsche Ceyenne Turbo driver from Kent. “And walking that half a mile would have ruined their Ugg boots so instead we had to take refuge in the Bluewater.”

The German manufacturers are particularly concerned about the many thousands of their customers unable to get to work due to the poor performance of their expensive cars.

“We know for a fact that many people were unable to get X5s out of their drives and up gentle inclines,” said Billinzwerk. “The Daily Mail website comments section was full of stories of those unable to get to work and it was all because of being unable to drive on the snow, apparently.”

The Confederation of British Industry said that the inclement weather meant that teachers alone were currently underpinning the recovery in the British economy and urged the DVUAIB members to remedy the failure of their 4x4s as soon as possible.

“The British motorist has invested heavily in these huge, expensive, inefficient oil burning 4x4s that take up so much of the road,” said a spokesman. “It really would not be good news to find out that they are incapable of dealing with any adverse road conditions and would make their owners feel like the total twats that they resemble.”

However not everyone gave up at the slightest appearance of snow, many people opted to make use of their always-on-broadband lifestyles to stay connected to their workplaces without leaving home.

“I took one look out of the window and saw the snowflake straightaway. I immediately phoned my boss – who was stuck on a motorway in his Audi Q7 – and told him I was going to work from home,” explained a Sussex train driver.

Demonstrators In Dublin Ask “Why Is 2010 Unique On The International Begging Front?”

Thousands of people are marching through the streets of Dublin asking why after 37 years of handouts the government has decided that this year is the time to reign in spending.

“What’s the craic with all this talk of balancing the books, and spending only what we earn?” asked Patrick O’Billingsworth. “We have been getting a couple of billion a year from the EU all my life – what is so different now?”

Many protestors see the current situation as just an extension of three decades of Dublin policy by begging for a few extra billion Euro.

“Looks like our number’s are finally up, on the Eurobillions draw! Ah, to be sure, we’re the loveable Irish so everyone is happy to pay for us,” said O’Billingsworth. “If they know what is good for them.”

Despite the so-called “Celtic Tiger” boom being brought to an abrupt halt when Ronan Keating announced he was moving to Dubai. The government in Dublin was only forced into action after years of running huge deficits by the realisation that Terry Wogan really has retired.

“Ireland here is the victim, always, now what was the question?” explained Taoiseach Brian Cowen. “The people of Ireland have to understand that an economy based upon dancing without moving your arms is unsustainable. Now, give us your focking money!”

However it is felt by most that the Irish gravy train has finally hit the buffers and that it is up to the people of Ireland themselves to resolve the current crisis.

“Perhaps we Irish do need to live within our means. I am proud to have been born in Ireland and it is still the greatest place to live in the world,” said O’Billingsworth, from his regular stool in a Liverpool pub. “I’d live there myself if I wasn’t a victim of something or other. Can you lend us a couple of quid for another Guinness? Give us your focking money!”

It is to the millions of Irish patriots that have lived all their lives in the UK and America that the country may now turn to restart it’s failing economy.

“Tourism is one answer, since everyone loves the Irish. Don’t you! We are the victims here, remember,” said Mr Cowen TD. “We have a promotional campaign at foreign international airports offering Dublin for a fiver. You can own the city of Cork for another Euro if you bring your family.”

The current Irish government is under increasing pressure after having its majority reduced in the Dail to two, following the loss of the Donegal SW constituency to Sinn Fein.

“This is a clear statement that Ireland’s economy is looking to Sinn Fein for financial expertise,” said a masked activist at the count. “We will raise the revenue required by being able to draw on latent reserves in kidnapping, extortion and world-class knee-capping.”