Customer group retaliates and brands Currys employees as "bunch of useless retards"

Following news of a Facebook group of some 3000 members where some employees of Currys and PC World call customers “stupid”, it has emerged that there is a customer group of some 60 million members with views on the capability of the employees themselves.

“Absolute idiots, worse than trained baboons,” was a comment from several thousand customers of the Aintree branch of PC World. “At least with a baboon you can see the shit it is sending your way before you get the box home and try and plug it in.”

“They know bugger all about computers,” continued another comment from two million people in the South East of London who use various Currys branches. “But they can stick anti-virus software and insurance onto your order when you aren’t looking.”

DGSi, the parent company of Currys and PC World, has expressed shock at the presence of the Facebook group when news of the activities of former and current employees came to light.

“Head office is very upset about the Facebook group,” said Murial Billingsworth, customer relations for DSGi. “We were amazed that we ever employed anyone who had ever actually used that interweb thing! We are going to have to locate these people and promote them. Some of them clearly understand that you don’t shout into a mouse, which they don’t learn from us until they reach management level.”

Other comments from the 60 million strong PC World customer dissatisfaction group include:-

• A visitor to Cardiff’s camera section commented: “When I asked which gave the better panoramic views: Fuji, Olympus or Pentax the woman said she had never heard of Mount Pentax.”
• A visitor to the Taunton Business Centre said “I asked one salesman what his recommended backup solution was and he said that his car had parking sensors.”
• Another customer from East Kilbride was told that she “could free up hard disk space if her documents contained less Bold typefaces.”
• One male assistant in Norwich said he was unable to assist with WiFi problems since he was not married.

As the online row continues a further group has been set up for trained baboons angry at being compared to employees of PC World.

Brown to enter into “Deal or No Deal”, with Gaddafi

The British Prime Minister today affirmed that he would not be dealing with terrorists during an announcement of pursuing a deal with Libya for compensation for IRA terrorism.

“I want to be clear that this is not a U-turn, I always intended to keep negotiating whilst not doing any deals,” said the Prime Minister. “At least while the £250,000 box was still in play.”

Mr Brown made the announcement after a telephone conversation where his latest poll numbers were revealed to him.

“None of my previous changes of direction have been U-turns,” re-iterated the Prime Minister. “After every decision I make the phone rings and based on the number I am told I decide whether or not to continue with my original game-plan. We have done that several times now.”

Mr Brown, one of a number of politicians who have taken the 'Walk of Wealth' to Tripoli in recent weeks, denied that there was any link between the pursuit of compensation for victims of terror, the release of terrorists or huge oil and gas contracts with a nation that has admitted to supporting and directly engaging in acts of international terror.

“Let me make this quite clear, I have been entirely consistent. We are after a deal on compensation, there was no deal on releasing dying terrorists and we hope to sign huge trade deals,” said Mr Brown. “It is all completely understandable when you realise that I am making my policy selections based on family member's birthdays. And also that Jack Straw's red box normally contains something of high value.”

The Conservative leader responded saying that the government was flip-flopping on important decisions and showing that it was not negotiating strongly enough for Britain's interests.

“Take the Credit Crunch, Brown was incapable of negotiating with the Banker properly then,” said Mr Cameron. “A Conservative government will ensure that every box is ticked with ruthless tenacity, sticking to our most basic values. George's system for ticking policy boxes is based upon the number of sequins on party dresses.”

Brown aide’s resignation leads to biscuit crisis in MoD

The shock waves are reverberating around the world following the announcement that the Parliamentary Private Secretary to the Defence Secretary had resigned citing the strategy being adopted in the war in Afghanistan. Survivors at Westminster, the epicentre of the political explosion, were first to comment.

“The resignation of Eric Joyce is a very serious blow to the war office of Gordon Brown,” said Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. “Joyce was key to assisting the Defence Secretary in assisting the cabinet in assisting the Prime Minister. Key. And what’s more always used to make sure everyone was brought together for leaving presentations and had a slice of cake.”

Further afield the news has been received with shock, bewilderment and genuine concern for the future of Britain's role in Afghanistan.

“I cannot imagine the Ministry of Defence without Joyce being at the heart of organisation and planning,” said Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “Without her, won't Gordon Brown's secretary have to get the Prime Minister’s coffee himself?”

The Ministry of Defence denied that Mr Joyce's departure would have a serious impact on Britain's war effort, but conceded that an emergency re-shuffle had been undertaken to ensure that the Defence Secretary's office continued to run smoothly.

“Right after Joyce left Bob Ainsworth ran out of post-it notes and Joyce was the only one who knew where the key to the cupboard was,” said a spokesman. “However it turned out to be next to a copy of ‘Guns and Ammo Weekly’ that Mr Ainsworth had been looking for all day. So we struggled through.”

Despite assertions from the government that it is business as usual, Joyce’s decade of experience at assisting secretaries will certainly be missed in Whitehall and will be felt in Afghanistan.

“Whilst my birthday card from the MoD was signed by Bob Ainsworth himself, I think it certain that it was Joyce that would have bought it in her lunch hour,” said President Karzai. “I have spoken to Bob since she left and he says the office is a bit of a mess without her. No one has brought any cakes in and the filing is in complete disarray.”

The effects of Joyce’s resignation have been felt as far away as Washington, where Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth hosted a dinner last night in honour of the 1000th newspaper headline celebrating a remarkably low number of troop deaths for an armed military invasion.

“It was clear that Bob was still coming to terms with the loss,” said a fellow diner. “He didn’t know any of the foreign diplomats’ children’s names and there were clearly some flecks of fluff on the lapels of his dinner jacket.”

Following the shock resignation, Joyce was said by friends to be coping well and has spent the last few days helping with planning for a church fete in Perth.

Right wing Africans suggest letting California burn

Conservative leaders across Africa have called for the wildfires in the US state of California to be left to burn uncontrollably as a means of solving the persistent problems affecting the region.

“Every year we see the same pictures on television, of homes being destroyed and peoples’ lives ruined by fire,” said Joseph Mebillingsworth a leading political commentator in Ethiopia. “No matter how much money is spent the same thing happens every year.”

Many political commentators point to California, and Los Angeles in particular, as having a history of chronic water shortages and wildfires as evidence that the land is unable to sustain the current demands placed on it by ten of millions of immigrants over the last 200 years.

“It is clear that the population explosion in California is now unsustainable, forcing people to live close to deadly, dry woodland that can only burst into flames,” said MeBillingsworth. “There are just too many people for the Fire Department of Los Angeles to support. Every year millions of dollars is pumped into LA fire prevention, and yet every year we see the same images – people returning to the wreckage of homes only recently rebuilt from the ashes of previous houses. Clearly giving the area money is not the answer.”

Those that wish to leave California to the flames as the only long-term solution insist that California is rich enough to sustain itself and provide for future generations of Fire-fighters to work the land, but that the state is constantly dragged down by unbearable waste, greed and corruption.

“It is the people at the bottom that suffer, not the ruling elite,” said MeBillingsworth. “Even while the people struggle and the State is apparently bankrupted into selling off anything it can on EBay, the ruling elite have enough to buy the finest clothes from their exclusive shops in Beverly Hills and drive around in limousines.”

Others though believe that leaving the people of California to die in the thousands is morally repugnant in the 21st century.

“California is a fabulous land, it is endowed with enormous natural resources and its people are hard-working and skilled enough to be able to come home to a house that is not on fire,” said one aid worker. “They just need some training in the basics. Such as how to draw maps of those areas that have persistent wildfires. And then learning not to build houses in them.”

As the old investment aid saying goes – “Give a man a fire-truck and his house won’t burn down today. Teach him about sensible urban planning and his town will be out of reach of fires for a lifetime.”

Both left and right of the political spectrum in Africa are in agreement about the plight facing the residents of Los Angeles as they try to once again recover from a vicious circle that many believe is of their own making.

“It is difficult for us, sitting in Africa watching the news, to understand the difficulties of the people of California should they be injured or become ill from the effects of the fires, " said MeBillingsworth. “Their health system really is appalling.”

Riots in the streets after Ikea changes its catalogue typeface from Futura to Verdana

Residents of affluent suburbs the world over were today warned to stay in their homes as middle class areas were consumed by another day of rioting following the news that Ikea had changed its catalogue typeface from Futura to Verdana.

“There is carnage everywhere, I can barely bring myself to look and am shuttered in doors shaking,” said Callum Billingsworth, a graphic designer from Camden in London, via Twitter. “Have you seen page 213? They have used red, bold Verdana, for God’s sake.”

The same story was repeated the world over. In the Mission area of San Francisco the early morning sun rising across the bay shone on rows of burnt out cars and overturned buses.

“It’s worse than the Facebook riots of ’08, and the changed layout,” said one resident who did not wish to be named, since she had not painted her front door to complement her fence. “People were just torching things, and chanting ‘Move this a little bit to the left then!’”

In a bid to bring order to a world ripped apart as another pillar of middle-class society undergoes the inevitable pressure of change, an online petition has been created to allow people to anonymously assert their right to have no absolutely effect on a huge international corporation and its typeface.

“People think we can’t but we can really make a difference with this petition,” said Billingsworth logging into his iMac to sign-up. “We just need to raise the issue above other petitions, like this one about Blood Diamonds, which sounds like a horrific clash of styles.”

Bloggers in the United States of America have been hit hardest by the change as the US economy is extremely vulnerable to changes of style, over substance. One noted sagely that “Ikea, they are Swedish aren’t they? I know that is in Norway so we need to picket the Swiss embassy right away.”

Verdana is a font designed and optimised for display on satirical websites that are only occasionally updated. Ikea is said to be leading the world in using such a font in print but the chaos brought about by the change has forced politicians at the highest level to wade into the debate. And MEPs.

“This issue, whatever it is, is an important issue, and one that I shall go onto Fox News and talk about,” said Daniel Hannan, MEP for Shitting in His Own Bed in South East England. “Ikea is a 60 year old mistake of immigration. Enoch was right when he said ‘Chuck out the Chinks’”

Record success for "tying a child to something"

News that Tiger Brewer has, at 8 years old, become the youngest person to be strapped to the wing of a plane has been warmly welcomed by “child-tying-up” enthusiasts around the world.

“We are confident that now the sub-ten year old taboo for strapping a child to something has been broken we can perhaps have a crack at the world record for the youngest person to be strapped to a phone box,” said child-tying-up enthusiast, Bill Billingsworth. “Or perhaps strapping them in a car seat using some sort of belt? The exciting possibilities to tie children up to something that is outside of their control anyway are endless.”

Tiger Brewer “walked” a total distance of zero feet from his stationary starting position – strapped in a harness in the middle of the wing - watched on by his sisters, Star and Flame. This equals the current best for modern wing walking since the technical variation “Being Strapped To a Plane” replaced the more conventional “Moving About Untethered” that many lay people associate with traditional wing WALKING.

“Strapping people to the wing is the modern way,” said Tiger’s father Happy Birthday Brewer. “There are only the same forms to fill in for a Health and Safety Assessment as for sitting in a plane. Which is about as risky.”

Tiger has practised hard to get the record for the youngest person Being Strapped To a Plane a task that involves standing up, aided, and perhaps wearing goggles.

“His preparation for Being Strapped To a Plane involved going out on a windy day in just a t-shirt,” said Tiger’s ridiculously named mother, Zoe. “He also managed to watch a whole episode of ‘Road Wars’ standing up.”

Child welfare enthusiasts have expressed their views on the issue regarding tying a child to a large and otherwise immovable object and the effect it could have on long term development.

“It’s great, as a parent you don’t know how great it is to strap a child to something like the 'Climbié Pole',” said Bill Billingsworth. “I have really developed my bluffing skills playing Texas Hold ‘em online - whilst the kids are tied up in the garden.”

US Healthcare – “Best in the country” claims Glenn Beck

Fox News shouter, and part time anal surgery enthusiast, Glenn Beck shattered traditional right-wing stereotypes of insularism after announcing that the United States had the finest healthcare in the United States.

“Only last year I was complaining about the terrible treatment I received from the shocking healthcare system in this country. When I was paid by CNN,” foamed Mr Beck. “However now that I am paid by Fox I am pleased to say what a turnaround US healthcare has had in just over a year!. Now it is star-spangled banneringly brilliant. The US has the best healthcare system in the country.”

Mr Beck, famous for responding to his own contradictions was responding to comments he made in 2008 after undergoing life threatening bum-hole surgery that sadly went wrong. He survived.

Controversy has raged across America after a few people suggested that it might be quite a good idea for the richest country in the world to let a few less of its own citizens die by providing a greater access to healthcare. This has provoked a back-lash from the conservative right who feel that President Obama has taken a step too far along Comrade Bush’s nationalisation programme for the United Socialist States of America.

“I don’t think it is hyperbole to talk of ‘death panels’, we aren’t putting words into the President’s mouth,” said fellow high-octave trainee journalist Sean Hannity. “Death panels are no more a lie than the right’s plan to tow icebergs to the US coast for our ill senior citizens to be cast adrift on. They would be moored, not drifting.”

The mainstream conservative media has fomented screaming mobs in the USSA with horror stories of other countries’ healthcare systems that actually attempt to provide medical care as a basic human right. In particular it has heaped vitriol on the National Health Service of the UK aided by major political figures. And MEPs.

“Over two million people watched the first twenty seconds of my YouTube attack on Gordon Brown,” said Daniel Hannan MEP from his constituency in Victorian England. “They probably got up to the bit where I waved my hands around. Two million views makes me an expert on the NHS which I believe my porter used once when I was at Marlborough College.”

Hannan, whose ego has been a regular on US political shows since President Obama revealed his evil plan to help sick people, recently described healing millions of poor people since World War II as a “60 year old mistake”.

“As I said to the booker from Fox News, I am more than pleased to say how bad everything is on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I can do the radio show too,” said Mr Hannan. “Now, please let me past, I have just been to Walgreens for Mr Beck’s Anusol.”

It has been revealed that the surgery on the arse-hole Mr Beck had was to remove his head from his own ass.

Fears mount over a deadly mutation as Swine Flu contracts a dose of Katie Price

Katie Price’s PR firm, Orange Bandwagon, has announced that the glamour model, known as Jordan, has “so totally, absolutely got that Swine Flu that’s in the papers”.

Medical experts are said to be deeply concerned now that the previously harmless Swine Flu virus, having now contracted Katie Price, could mutate into a much more deadly sickness that could sweep through the nation.

“Our first analysis would be that symptoms would include the development of huge, unsightly swellings on the chest and the ability to project caustic venom like something out of the film Alien,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The government said that there was genuine reason to be alarmed as, whilst unlikely to be fatal, the virus could cause people to completely lose all sense of shame. Due to increases in bodily temperature sufferers will also be unable to keep their faces out of a trough of Champagne. Or their vaginas away from fans.

Not everyone is fearing the spread of this toxic, vomit-inducing malady that seems to be increasingly infecting the country. Disc Jockeys facing the end of both their youth and their residency in small clubs in the Balearic Islands were said to be looking forward to “catching a dose”.

DJ Grand-Rider Chill who is facing his final year on the Island of Menorca said that it might do well for local tourism . “I’ll probably be somewhere in a long queue to shag one of these new flu victims. It will be like banging a Space Hopper on a trampoline.”

Balding DJs aside, medical experts were adamant that a Jordan-Swine Flu hybrid would cause widespread sickness on a scale not seen since the outbreak of last year’s Mills-McCartney misery.

“The government will have to react quickly to contain the new strain which we have already named,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We are warning that tabloid newspapers are the perfect breeding ground to spread this new outbreak of Bitch Flu.”

The news of Katie Price’s illness was broken in a press release by Orange Bandwagon announcing the glamour model’s new range of Tamiflu based remedies. The new range is said to have no more ability than common Tamiflu but comes in a range of tasteless packages.

Football legend Sir Bobby Robson dies – The Sun calls on him to resign

Remembering footballing legend Sir Bobby Robson, the nation’s newspapers today mark the occasion by reproducing some of their most memorable quotes from his career that they littered with abuse and even accusations of treachery.

“’In the name of God, Go!’” was one of our headlines from a few years back,” said Harry Billingsworth, thirsty football hack and Donkey Porn aficionado at The Sun. “That was when Robson was at his best for us journalists.”

Pundits were not always so one sided in their treatment of an England manager too much of a gentleman to hit back. Indeed a different approach was taken when England drew with Saudi Arabia.

“Both us at the Super-Soaraway Sun and those guys at The Daily Mirror changed our approach significantly after that,” said Billingsworth. “We went with ‘In the name of Allah, Go!”.”

Over time the press came to further modify its approach to an England manager that many consider the most successful ever, taking England to a narrow defeat in a Word Cup semi-final penalty shoot-out.

“Brilliant doesn’t describe that match,” said Billingsworth. “To take the World Cup winners to a penalty shoot-out was fantastic. Almost made me feel sorry for my massive ‘Plonker!’ headline of a couple of years earlier. But not really.”

But, even as time passes and the same newspapers that heaped so much abuse in death now lead with lavish tributes to Robson, who sadly lost his fifth battle with cancer at the age of 76 this week, the more senior journalists remember him at the peak of his career.

“You can never forget some of the great times that we gave Bobby, we hounded him for years to quit as England manager,” said Billingsworth/ “And when he took the job at PSV Eindhoven we accused him of treachery. Great days!”

Scores of fans made their own tearful tributes to Sir Bobby at Newcastle United’s St James’s Park stadium, with many fans laying memorial tributes of shirts, flowers and banners.

“I were so shocked to hear of Sir Bobby’s passing, like,” said one tearful man dressed as a barcode. “I was having two weeks off work ‘cos some website said I might have Swine Flu and wanted to just lay a momento from the 2003/2004 season when the Toon Army should’ve won the World Cup,” he added laying down a handmade banner reading ‘Sack Robson NOW!’.

Retro memorabilia of Sir Bobby is something that the newspapers are also considering producing. The Sun newspaper said that the timing of Sir Bobby’s death was perfect for them to hand out more “Sack Robson!” badges from 1984.

New Swine Flu helpline service recovers after journalists stop phoning with fake symptoms

The National Pandemic Flu website and helpline were today said to be receiving normal levels of calls now that the nations’ journalists had stopped phoning up with fake symptoms and had moved on to discussing the location of Michael Jackson's nose.

“The service peaked shortly after it was launched with some 2,600 journalists using the website each second,” said a spokesman for the NHS. “It takes each journalist four or five goes through the flowchart to then be prescribed the Tamiflu they don't need and it was this that caused an overload on the service.”

In addition to the website traffic the helpline received a further 10,000 calls from journalists impatient at a trial-and-error approach to the computer's questions and were hoping to be able to charm a call-centre worker - who has only had basic training - into agreeing to release one more pack of medication for a very weak strain of flu, just in case.

“This whole system is a complete sham,” said TV reporter Tessa Billingsworth. “After half a dozen goes on the website, and studying Wikipedia, I was able to waste valuable time and resources by phoning up with pretend symptoms from a completely different disease and they gave me Tami-Flu. To make sure we got different angles for the piece to camera I actually had to pretend to be several different people, it took hours and tied up at least three people's time. I was a disgrace.”

The National Health Service says that since the initial flurry of stories spread so quickly, call rates have dropped to a much more manageable number.

“Now that the kids have broken up for the summer holidays the chances of a last minute cheap deal have gone so we should see infection rates drop,” said a spokeswoman. “Especially as the airports are on the look-out to detect all the 'sick-notes' who have got themselves two extra week's holiday by getting their family to cough down the phone to the helpline.”

However the government re-stated its warning that infection rates are expected to pick up in the autumn as seasonal flu rates rise naturally and people fancy extending their summer by jetting off to the Mediterranean and need an excuse to take the kids out of school.

Docklands Light Railway to introduce new Business Class Section aimed at Goldman Sachs employees

London's Docklands Light Railway service is to introduce new premium sections in the hope of attracting more affluent travellers to coincide with the increase in capacity being offered by the planned “three car” project.

“The economy is improving. I think. I mean what with Goldman Sachs staff getting some £3bn in pay and bonuses,” said Jack Billingsworth, spokesman for Docklands Light Railway. “These city types getting on at Bank want to travel in comfort on the long-haul 30 minute run as far as Island Gardens – we don't expect any will travel south of the river on the new City Twat Express.”

The new business service will be introduced at the start of 2010 to occupy the new third carriage being added to the DLR trains.

“The clientèle will be young city bankers keen to spunk their bonuses on anything that makes them look successful, or at least like a smug bastard,” said Billingsworth. “The new seats will costs £4,500 return, which we believe compares very well with the comparable twat service from London to New York”

However many people have criticised the new business class as an inefficient use of space on a service that has seen great demand as the Docklands area has grown over the last two decades.

“That was then. Now, aside from Goldman living it high on all the bank bailouts, no one else can afford to top up their Oyster cards,” said Billingsworth. “The way the redundancies are going three carriages might be two too many. We might be able to put full double-beds into the other carriages.”

Docklands Light Railway confirmed that they are to offer a sleeper service on the 24 minute Bank to City Airport service, but denied it was to be called the “Inter-City Quickie.”

Women too fat to see their own feet complain M&S shoes make them look frumpy

The board of Marks & Spencer was today reeling from an onslaught of complaints made during the company's Annual General Meeting that its shoes make middle-aged women weighing over 18 stone look unattractive.

“I shop with my daughter, since we are both big boned and can only see each others' feet,” said Irene Billingsworth, shopping with her daughter, Jean. “No matter which pair we tried on, we both felt that none of them made us look like size 10 models.”

Marks and Spencer said that they were convinced that they had a wide range of shoes in their stores and that they attempted to provide stylish footwear for all.

“But, frankly, they are shoes, if you are wearing a size 20 dress you need a hall of mirrors to look good,” said a spokesman. “We sell shoes not bloody miracles.”

Shareholders also complained that the range of clothing on offer for shoppers who know where the escalators are, but not the stairs, was not flattering enough. They point to other retailers, such as Evans - the retailer for women who are pleased their stores are near Greggs pie shop, which has recently launched a new designer range.

“We are really pleased to announce the new Beth Ditto Collection,” said an Evans spokesman. “It is an especially good value range, having been derived from a former deal with Millets for a brand of floral print tents.”

The high street challenge of looking good is not confined solely to the female pie enthusiast, and it is hoped the new range endorsed by breakfast time news avoider Eamonn Holmes will provide for the larger gentleman too. The range includes an extra high desk and wide screen laptop to hide behind.

After Michael Jackson : Interviewees terrified they will be the next victims of the CURSE OF BASHIR

Experts said last night that former interviewees of Martin Bashir are “shitting themselves” following the death of Michael Jackson, who was the subject of the former Newsround presenter’s controversial interview. This follows less than fifteen years after Bashir's infamous Panorama interview with Diana, Princess of Wales.

“They are just dropping like flies! Hot on the heels of Diana dying, a mere twelve years later and Whacko Jacko has dropped dead,” said unsuccessful nanny and convicted baby killer, Louise Woodward. “I am quite literally shaking.”

Other of Bashir's interviewees are said to be equally nervous that they may be next to fall victim of what someone at Sky News will inevitably scream is the “CURSE OF BASHIR”.

“You wake up each morning and you're just thankful you are alright!” said former closet enthusiast, Michael Barrymore. “People used to give me a million quid for that. This curse though won't put me off from another big money interview. But it has to be exclusive, no pool interviews.”

Members of the public currently mourning the death of the “self-proclaimed King Of Pop(tm)” have been saddened to learn of the Bashir connection and that any of his interviewees could be next to die sudden and premature deaths.

“It is just such a crying shame that anyone of them could be taken from us without a moment's notice,” said Kay Billingsworth an amateur journalist working for Sky News who has rushed out to Los Angeles to stand next to the Jackson mansion and look at cars leaving the driveway. “But with a 24 hour news cycle to fill, really we should get to pick who dies next with what we are calling the 'CURSE OF BASHIR’.”

Analysts have pointed out that believers in the curse may have to wait some time for its next manifestation, given that it took two year’s to claim Diana following her interview, and four before the “self-proclaimed King Of Pop(tm)” became its latest victim.

“It looks like this is a curse that is in for the long haul,” said one TV journalist. “Still we can take some consolation from the fact that Martin Bashir did interview Jeffrey Archer.”

Reality TV runner-up to split from Britain’s Got Talent semi-finalist in April 2014

In an exclusive interview to all newspapers the nation was shocked to learn that Kimbly and Jake Billingsworth are to split following their torrid 18 month marriage in late 2012.
"We expect that we won’t be able to deal with the come down from trying to jump on the Olympic bandwagon," said Kimbly Smith, 17 from Romford and the future fourth place finisher in Big Brother 12.

Ms Smith, who will meet Jake Billingsworth on the set of Celebrity Kidney Swap 2011, is expecting to be horrified when photos of her to be husband and an unknown lap-dancer hired by their agent are printed in the tabloids over the New Year of 2014. This will, say showbiz friends that the couple have yet to make, be the straw that finally puts an end to a marriage that will appear to have been lived out on the cover of OK! magazine.

"I haven’t met them yet," said seditious television twat Piers Morgan. "However I fully expect that Jake will say he hardly knew the dancer in response to Kimbly’s tear-filled story which has yet to be written by Heat magazine."

Kimberley has said that she expects to struggle with the constant media intrusion into her life, something she never asked for after fame was thrust upon the unsuspecting teenager following successfully becoming a Big Brother housemate after only her third attempt. She will nonetheless bravely try to stay out of the spotlight by only appearing on game shows, as a talking head on TV shows about reality TV shows and launching her own range of perfumes and personalised enema kits.

"The thing that I will want to know, tearfully and maybe whilst in rehab if my career has gone well, is how the paparazzi manage to take those photos of me that upset my Jake so much," said the currently single ,unknown, future fifteen minute wonder. "How do they manage, on the only times I wear a short skirt and no knickers to always get a photo of my fanny? Such as when I will step out of a cab into the Met Bar at exactly 11:30pm on September the 14th 2013? And again at China White’s the next night, but around an hour earlier as I expect I will have a shoot for my pop-video the next day."

Jake Billingsworth is said, by pals to be invented by the 3am Girls, to be holding up well under the strain of realising that he will only be famous for having Kimbly on his arm and is already planning to try to win her back.

"We will have to see how it goes," said Kimbly, "I will always love, Jake isn’t it?, but it will be difficult for us to get over the incident on my 22nd birthday. Which will be when Jake learns that I was in gent’s toilet cubicle with a professional footballer holding my hair to keep it dry - whilst he is doing me from behind."

Sorrow on Tyneside as prestigious retirement home closes

There were complaints yesterday as one of the world’s leading retirement homes closed, forcing many who hope to see out their remaining time to begin making alternative arrangements.

"With Newcastle United now relegated to the Championship, those members of footballing society hoping to pass their remaining years in comfort will have to move on to pastures new," said Jimmy Billingsworth of the Newcastle Chronicle. "Although it is difficult to see where else some of these old boys can have an occasional light stroll in the park and command over £100k per week for doing it."

Inhabitants of "St James’ Retirement Park" have expressed their frustration and dedicated their futures to the one true home prepared to pay them £100k a week for doing sweet FA.

"I really want to stay in the area," said a Mr Barton, who has only been able to spend about 75 minutes outside in the fresh air all year, having recently been transferred from his previous care home of Strangeways prison. "I love the North East and can’t see me wanting to leave to break other player’s legs anywhere else."

Fellow pensioner, Mark Viduka, 87, said that he was dedicated to continuing doing as little in the North East of England as possible: "I have spent a quiet retirement in Middlesbrough and a lovely time doing nothing in Newcastle. I want to live within about a 10 minute drive of work, because I don’t run for much more than that during an actual game."

One of the most high profile residents of the retirement home said that he was exploring other options but is dedicated to using his remaining years to extract the maximum out of Newcastle United’s bankers’ careers.

"I have left other clubs, such as that red one in Liverpool, because I wanted to win the Champion’s League or at least something spelled like it," said Mr Owen, 82, from his Newcastle home, in Cheshire. "I hope I can still fulfil my dream of huge amounts of cash now that Newcastle have qualified for the Championship League."

Well-wishers of the St James’ Park Retirement Home said that it was a sign of the times and were stereotypically stoic about the whole situation.

"It is an absolute disaster for the biggest club in the world, like," sobbed Alan "King Kevin" Keegan Donnelly-McPartlin, dressed like a 6ft tall crying barcode. "But I dinnae see any reason why a few seasons in a lower division should stop us winning the 2010 World Cup or the Winter Olympics, like."

Sinn Fein MPs swear allegiance to Her Majesty’s Cash

After decades of refusing to acknowledge the legitimacy of the UK in governing Northern Ireland, the political wing of the IRA’s most senior politicians today admitted a deep allegiance to Her Majesty the Queen’s parliamentary expenses system.

"Feck me, that’s a big pile of cash now, to be sure," swore Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams upon learning that the Daily Telegraph has calculated that 5 Sinn Fein MPs have claimed £500,000 in London second home allowances despite refusing to take up their seats in Parliament. "It would be wrong to say we don’t like the British presence in Northern Ireland. We love all the folding pictures of the Queen that you can put in your wallet!"

The Sinn Fein MPs denied there was any wrong doing claiming that they required the London homes for important business such as not taking up their seats in Parliament, not swearing allegiance to the crown and not voting on matters affecting Northern Ireland. All of which they claimed would be impossible to not do without travelling over to London at the British taxpayer’s expense to not do them.

"Given the choice where would you rather be when not doing your job as an elected representative of the people of Northern Ireland? Belfast or London?," said Shamus O’Billingsworth. "Exactly. You have clearly been to Belfast."

Sinn Fein denied that there was also anything irregular about the size of rents that the MPs had claimed despite evidence that they are over twice the market rate for rental properties in the area.

"You have to understand that in the years that members of Sinn Fein have been not sitting in parliament and not representing their constituents has coincided with several explosions in the London housing market," said O’Billingsworth. "The costs of property has blown the roof off rental prices. Which is why we view these explosive allegations as rather incendiary."

However the controversy over MPs’ second home allowances and expenses claims has led to cross-party calls for reform and Sinn Fein is now leading that charge.

"Whilst we refuse to acknowledge our obligations as MPs in Westminster we fully support the idea of moving the commons to the British Virgin Islands as a means of making the claiming of expenses more efficient," said O’Billingsworth. "But I swear to you we will travel to the new chamber to denounce everyone in it and refuse to take our seats. Unlike the first class seats we would undoubtedly take on the plane over. We would need the extra space to be as non-productive as possible for the people of Northern Ireland that we will continue to not represent."

Politicians out to smear other politicians – media outraged it was not involved

Across the country politicians are expressing outrage at the unprecedented revelation that members of one political party were planning a dirty tricks campaign against its rivals in a scandal that may damage the electorate’s faith in politicians forever.

"We have only had politics for a few months now and look, already it is being turned to crap," said a first time commenter in an internet discussion forum. "In the weeks that I have been following the news I have never once heard about politicians spreading rumours about each other – who do I complain to so this will be stopped?"

Several tabloid newspapers have joined in the outrage and have devoted what remains of their in-house journalism capabilities to cover what has been dubbed as "Downing-Street-email-address-used-to-discuss-spreading-rumours-and-innuendo-for-a-new-innuendo-and-rumour-website-gate"

"Never before in British political history has someone working for one party – Now Labour isn’t it? – tried to start rumours about someone from another party – they are the Conservatories? Yeah?" said the Daily Star’s celebrity correspondent Nikkister, drafted in to cover the outrage. "I can’t believe that people can behave like this after Jade Goody. Don’t they stop to think what Jade would do?"

Questions are also being asked about the role of the "blogger" after it transpired that the recipient of the email was a misleading, self-promoting, shouter on a Labour supporting blog whose emails were outed by a rival pseudo-anonymous, right-wing, mud-rakng blogger following several weeks of calling each other names. Rumours of hair-pulling are said to be unfounded.

"dis shows de power of the internet, how it lets ordinry ppl sit @ home n thump the keyb hard with there opinions," said an anonymous comment left on ignorantshoutytwats.com. "de media dont like it coz dey have 2 check facts and libel and speeling and stuff. But our community on dis site of real people with all made up userids and e-mail addys can call anyone a shirt-lifter."

The mainstream media has reacted to the rise of the bloggers. One unsigned opinion piece in the Daily SendThemAllBack claimed that: " … there is no place for journalism based solely upon spreading rumour, abuse and innuendo outside of Fleet Street. The rise of the citizen journalist will lead to amateurish and ineffectual mud-slinging diluting the results than can be achieved by a team of expert and professional journalists."

Hillary Billingsworth, professor of media studies at the Jeremy Kyle University has been monitoring the development of the unprecedented scandal and says that it has serious implications for the future of politics and journalism in the UK.

"This is the first time that any of us can remember anything in politics that could amount to spreading rumours about someone’s character," said the Professor. "For generations politicians have been selfless, upstanding citizens. Free from vice and corruption they are dedicated to creating a utopia for us all to live in. To think that their stock-in-trade might be a selfish and devious manipulation of people’s opinions – perhaps by horse trading favours and influence in exchange for power – will be a body blow to the reputation of politics."

Already the long-term ramifications for the nature of politics are being felt as the Oxford English Dictionary admits it is reviewing it’s definition of "politician" which currently reads:-

pol·i·ti·cian noun :- one who develops a property or second home to increase its value using funds obtained from their constituents by force.

Downing Street revealed that the Prime Minister had personally written to those that may have become victims of the smear campaign had the details become public knowledge, which they now have, but a spokesman would not confirm if the letters contained an apology.

"All I will say is that Gordon Brown has made it clear that these are unsubstantiated allegations that should not be repeated," said a spokesman for Number 10. "On that matter the Prime Minister has written directly to the nutter, the dirty stop-out, the transvestite and the one with itchy under-pants."

North Korean rocket successfully lands Dear Leader on Jupiter

This weekend the official news agency of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea announced that it had successfully launched a rocket deploying a satellite into orbit.

"The glorious rocket launch gloriously launched a satellite into orbit from where we are receiving patriotic signals and news that our glorious leader, Kim Jong-Il, is returning from having set foot on Jupiter," said a spokesman for the North Korean government. "The Dear Leader is returning to glorious North Korea having had a summit meeting with his father, the Great Leader, in the Great Red Spot of revolution on Jupiter and inspecting the people’s glorious new bouffant wig production facility on Io."

The United States and South Korea however dispute the success of the mission, claiming that the 5 year round trip to Jupiter was unlikely to have been completed in a weekend and that the rocket instead crashed into the Pacific Ocean. It also added that Kim Jong-il’s father, Kim Il-sung died in 1994.

"The glorious data from the glorious satellite contains our Dear Leader singing revolutionary songs as he rows the glorious symbol of glorious North Korean tractor based space technology across the skies and back to glorious North Korea," said a presenter on Korean Central Television. "This is another breakthrough for glorious North Korea and marks yet another glorious achievement following last week’s glorious news that last week Kim Jong-il had gloriously cured cancer and discovered the secret to eternal youth. All at the age of 29."

The news of North Korea’s rocket launch is believed to be a cover for missile tests and the latest step by the secretive communist country to develop long range ballistic capability in parallel to it’s nuclear programme. This despite widespread reports that the country has been suffering a famine for several years, something that was also denied by the regime in Pyongyang.

"The puppet regime in the South wishes to spread the lies of the obese, capitalist pigs of the United States," said a North Korean children’s television presenter. "However all children should join their parents in rejoicing at the news by gloriously going to bed without food to mark the hundredth glorious day of dieting."

North Korean officials said that the capsule containing Kim Jong-il would soon return to Earth. It would remain out of radio contact until it had descended through the clouds over the Cuckoo-land area of North Korea. It will then be met by a delegation consisting of Elvis Presley, Superman and Godzilla who would present him with a Golden Fleece and ceremonial diamond encrusted platform shoes donated by the orphans of Pyongyang.

MPs to be provided list of porn films they can claim for on expenses

An urgent review is being undertaken into the process for MPs expenses following the news that the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, claimed reimbursement for "Additional Features" on her Virgin Media bill that are a euphemism for adult movies.

"What could be worse for a feminist Labour politician than to be caught claiming expenses for blue movies?" said a party insider. "One of them is believed to be a video of Mrs Thatcher’s party conference speech of 1980."

With the ongoing furore over expenses becoming ever more ardent, Ms Smith is said to feel great relief from fellow cabinet members coming to hand and pledging to stand firm with her.

"I, like my fellow MPs, don’t know which pornography we can claim for and which we cannot," said Foreign Secretary David Miliband

"This is why we are having a review. The system needs to be more transparent so that we know what the taxpayer will pay on behalf of their upstanding members."

Friends say that Ms Smith was livid and that her husband - who was alone at the family home that she claims as her second home at the time that the films were viewed - had been given a really hard time after he came clean. They say she has no plans to give him a hard time at home in future and thus the cable TV subscription provides a firm business need.

"It was a genuine mistake, I thought I was signing a legal declaration for claiming legitimate expenses: such as my very nice new kitchen sink, my lovely new fireplace, some splendid coal to burn in it and my Internet connection," said Ms Smith. "You can get all sorts of high quality pornography through that for free."

Friends say that Ms Smith is still the head of her second home that she shares with her family, as opposed to her first home which she shares with her sister.

"When it comes to who wears the trousers, Jacqui is adamant it is her, since they are less frequently found around her ankles," said a close family friend. "She is very upset as not only did she not see the adult movies in question the public still think of her as a wanker over her expenses claims."

The Ombudsman is said to be investigating in detail all MPs’ itemised expenses claims and in particular the large expenditure on tissues.

Jade versus Diana - The popular posthumous Princesses

Reality TV character Jade Goody, who sadly died today, is now poised for an assault on the posthumous tabloid records held by the late Diana, Princess of Wales. As Goody’s team plans her challenge we look at the contenders and talk to the key members of their teams for the upcoming season.

Jade Goody "Essex Princess":-
The challenger and posthumously titled "Essex Princess" has had a much shorter career than her more established opponent. A meteoric rise to stardom found her representing Essex on the world stage. Having set new standards for the people of the county to aspire to she took the Essex way of life to a whole new market in India. Her widower, Jack Tweed also showed how to bring curfews and ankle tags from the south of East Angular to living rooms the world over. During a short career she has made the pages of Heat and OK! and shelves full of TV magazines her own, but will it be enough?

"People criticised our preparation for this fight, saying that our planning was wrong – that the tribute edition had gone too early – before she had actually died," said publicist Clifford Billingsworth. "But we have to stick with what we know – photos of her before she lost weight, after she put it back on again and wearing a headscarf, We think the funeral will be big for us."

The team acknowledges that the champion, who has defended her title successfully for a dozen years, has a huge advantage in what many believe is a two horse race.

"Diana is a true competitor, but you know maybe she is a bit past her prime – having died in 1997. We are younger and we think that we can make use of the web and mobile media to flog our filly," said Billingsworth.

Diana, Princess of Wales:-
The undisputed champion of the tabloids, and self styled Princess of Hearts, has been raking in column inches for decades. Such an ever present daily fixture it is difficult to believe that she has been dead for nearly 12 years - and indeed many people don’t. Her team, led by the Daily Express, knows that the "Essex Princess" could give them a run for their money and is not resting on its laurels.

"Goody is a stiff competitor but our girl isn’t dead and buried, according to conspiracy theories we haven’t printed. Yet. We think OK! may have gone early but not all of the stories about Diana being pregnant have been made up. Yet," said Express owner Richard Desmond. "It’s the People’s Princess’s title, and Goody has to wrench it from our cold, dead hands."

The Daily Express – the World’s Greatest newspaper set in 1950 – is so ebullient it is worried about collateral damage.

"If we launch a complete Diana bombardment we can carpet bomb the media," said Desmond. "However we are worried we won’t have space for our usual tirade of racism and kicking the McCanns."

Other players
Professional Wedding Attendee Elton John:-
Elton John was a friend of both Princesses. There has been no comment on rumours that John, famous for both weddings and funerals, will turn his hand to a singing career. Key to tabloid competition, John having headlined Diana’s funeral will mean Goody’s corner will be keen to get the gay stereotype in front of the cameras. Not dead.

Evil fiend Sir Fred Goodwin:-
Could act as a spoiler. Neither a princess, nor popular, he is the newly crowned face of the Credit Crunch and has landed the role of a soap opera villain as a shorthand for thirsty editors who don’t understand the financial crisis. Could rob the main contenders of valuable exposure. And the public of huge amounts of cash. Not dead, yet.

Newspaper condemns Dunblane shooting survivors for turning into normal teenagers

The nation is still trying to absorb the shocking revelation from the Sunday Express that the surviving schoolchildren from the Dunblane massacre in 1996 have grown up into annoying, foul-mouthed, lustful teenagers - just like millions of their peers.

"Their web pages, blogs and so on are filled with swearing, stories of drinking and even sex," said Harry Billingsworth former high-profile Donkey Porn star who has recently admitted to being a journalist at Express newspapers. "They are filled with things that you would not want your wife, or your servants, to read."

The Sunday Express – the World's Greatest Newspaper set in the 1950s – highlighted how several of the children have not spent every waking moment of the last thirteen years waking screaming from nightmares, pining for lost ones nor writing angst ridden poetry of the loss of their childhood friends. Indeed the newspaper's findings reveal that they are interested in the same things that every other teenager is – feeling each others bits, cheap cider and avoiding soap.

"How dare they grow up to be normal? They should be riddled with the tragedy that they lived through in the mid-90s, which should shape the rest of their lives," said the Express journalist. "Yet nowhere, on any of their MySpace pages, are there endless eulogies to the People's Princess of Hearts, Saint Diana of Wales, which is, of course, what Internet publishing is for."

The article highlights how the survivors of that tragic day have blossomed into young adults without paying any regard to others who may not have recovered so well from the days of the terrible shootings in Dunblane Primary School.

"Do these people have no memories of the hardworking journalists who door-stepped the local community at the time of the tragedy and adorned their stories with photos of tearful families? Who went to the trouble of making an entry on my calendar for a ‘now they are adults’ piece thirteen years in advance?" asked Billingsworth. "It is sickening to be confronted by this wanton display of normality when I have been struggling for years for an award winning human interest story and have only the wonderful memory of Diana to fill in the gaps between loan shark advertising and racist scaremongering?"

One Manchester United fan punched, several million waiting in trepidation

Police are investigating allegations that a fan of Manchester United football club was punched in the face by the manager of Inter Milan, Jose Mourinho, after the Italian club’s Champions’ League defeat.

"We can confirm we are investigating an incident involving between a fan and a visiting Portuguese gentleman that occurred in the vicinity of Old Trafford stadium," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police. "It is an investigation complicated by the fact that Manchester United fans have been ‘asking for it’ for quite some time."

The fan, who has not been identified but allegedly comes from Surrey, or Bristol or some other suburb of Manchester and is said to have supported the Red Devils since football began in 1992.

"United are a side likely to attract this level of animosity being the most successful team in the history of football," said Sterling Billingsworth, Sky Sports football historian. "They have won 10 of the 16 top flight titles since the game was invented in July 1991."

A look through the Sky Sports Football Almanac will confirm that Manchester United indeed hold a pre-eminent place in the statistics, since records began in August 1991.

"United have won both the FIFA Most Unspeakable Shit Award and UEFA Award for Despicable Cheating in 2008 and the Football Writers Award for Thuggery and Stamping on no fewer than five occasions since the football universe blinked into existence in that glorious summer of ‘91" said Billingsworth. "Indeed even the Players’ Diver of Year award has gone to men from United nine times in football history. No, wait, two of them were from somewhere called Newcastle."

Police say that such an assault on a Manchester United fan could happen anywhere in Britain as they are as likely to live in Milton Keynes or Orpington as anywhere else. However they stress that they are held with singular esteem by rival football fans.

"When there is a funeral of a United fan in places such as Eastbourne or Exeter, they are well attended," said the spokesman. "Often fans of local clubs will comment that Manchester United fans are alright, deep down."

Investigation into incident involving custard thrown into face of Lord Mandelson asks “Why not hammers?”

The police have launched an investigation into the incident in which green custard was thrown into the face of business secretary, Lord Mandelson.

"We are deeply concerned by this incident," said Detective Superintendent Hugh Billingsworth of the Metropolitan Police. "We want to know why only custard? Why not hammers, or a cat that has just been dunked into a bucket of water?"

The Metropolitan Police have been making inquiries amongst various pressure groups and known agitators to understand the reasoning behind the attack.

"The attack was of a very puerile and unsophisticated nature," said Billingsworth. "I mean what about a slinky made out of razor wire? Or a hot McDonald’s apple pie?"

Pressure groups have moved to distance themselves form the green custard attack, allegedly launched by environmental campaigner Leila Deen over the business secretary’s support for a third runaway at Heathrow airport.

"I would have gone for an angry badger myself. They can be vicious little bastards," said a spokesman for Greenpeace. "Of course they need to be protected, we wouldn’t want one of them to be bitten by Mandelson."

The police are also investigating the ease with which Ms Deen was able to avoid security and approach Lord Mandelson.

"She seems to have had plenty of time to enact her plan, which means she could have had an accomplice, " said Billingsworth. "If that is the case, why not throw a big tub of honey over him and a box of angry bees?"

Insiders in the New Labour Party are now debating as to whether this very public humiliation will in anyway damage his position within the cabinet. One senior party member who did not wish to be identified commented: "Well there is something of the shite about him."

Following news that Lord Mandelson has complained of "slight" facial irritation the Police are re-analysing the green custard itself.

"It turns out that the custard was made with whole milk," said Billingsworth. "We are hopeful that Lord Mandelson is lactose intolerant."

Marauding hordes of Scottish children to be given an extra four years of criminal learning

The age of criminal responsibility in Scotland is to be raised to 12 to bring it into line with other parts of the EU and give Scottish children extra years to improve their criminal behaviour and decide if they have a future in the crime industry.

"For too long now the wee scum of Scotland have had their collars felt at the age of 8, thus depriving them of several formative years as apprentice thieves and murderers," said Kenny McBillingsworth of the SNP. "Now they can have a few year’s extra practice looting and mugging before they are jailed for the first time – giving them a chance to develop their skills for later in life."

The move has been welcomed by tourism groups, who argue that it would improve Scotland’s culture and image around the world, with a consequential impact on employment in the region.

"After a life of cheap cider-fuelled crime and thuggery, the reputation for aggression enjoyed by your average Scotch child is of world renown making them in great demand as mercenaries and child soldiers," said a spokesman for Visit Scotland. "Certainly a Scottish 9 year old with the rage will make even a battle-hardened Taliban fighter run like a wee lassie."

The Scottish government said that the increase in the age of criminal responsibility was part of a package of measures aimed at bringing civilisation to Scotland.

"We are also introducing minimum prices for alcohol because at some point the English taxpayers are going to realise that paying for millions of unintelligible, hate-filled, drunken barbarians is not quite as endearing as they thought," said McBillingsworth. "They might question if it is really a cultural asset to be continually berated over representation whilst the UK political parties are stuffed with angry Scotsmen."

The raising of the age at which Scottish children can be caged as animals has brought condemnation from south of the border, particularly from neighbouring English councils that will now have to face the onslaught of gangs of marauding Scottish ten year olds who would otherwise have been locked up.

"We might have to rebuild Hadrian’s wall. And electrify it," said a councillor from deep within Berwick-upon-Tweed council’s emergency bunker. "Have you seen a Scottish playground? It’s like a scene from a zombie movie. I don’t know if the budget will stretch to machine gun outposts. Don’t open that can of Irn-Bru, it attracts them! Oh Jesus."

Sir Fred Goodwin furious his £16m piss-take has been made public

Friends and former colleagues of pin-stripe pirate Sir Fred "Frankly" Goodwin said today that the incompetent banker was furious that details of his £16m pension fund had been leaked into the public domain.

"Fred is livid, absolutely livid, that his enormous piss-take has been revealed to the public," said a friend. "He had hoped that it would be announced sometime around the new financial year. It is terrible to deprive a pensioner of the fun of this year’s April Fool’s day and taking the piss out of the British public."

Sir Fred complained that the details of his £650,000 a year pension, for life, from the bank in the worst shape of all due to the policies he was responsible for do not take into account how the pension fund has built up over the years.

"My pension has not really changed since the original piss-take I started in 1998 when I joined the group. That is a decade of taking the piss at RBS," said cash enthusiast Sir Fred. "Nor does it take into account my previous piss-taking employment before I pretended to know anything about banking.

"Who is really taking the piss? Me, or the people who failed to notice the impact that my taking early retirement would have on pre-existing pension arrangements, that already took the piss? Oh, me. Well they should have guessed when I nearly pissed myself laughing," joked the ruinous bank CEO with no banking experience or qualifications. "Ha, nearly pissed myself again! Well I am a pensioner now!"

Sir Fred was adamant that he should not forgo any of his pension after having already given up several piss-taking opportunities when conceding significant gestures towards the British taxpayer as they bailed him out with tens of billions of pounds to save RBS from his incompetence.

"All those piss-taking gestures I made seem to be overlooked," said Sir Fred as he gave a taxpayer shop assistant the finger. "For some reason they didn’t give me my 12 month notice period. Running RBS with the taxpayer as an underwriter would have been the biggest piss-take of all."

Sir Fred said that he would not let the utter humiliation of having masterminded the biggest collapse of a bank, the recording of the largest loss in British corporate history and having achieved a nationalisation programme that even Lenin would have been impressed with affect his attitude to business.

"You could call this rewarding failure. Staggeringly incompetent failure," laughed Sir Fred making obscenely large gestures to taxpayers out of his limousine window. "But I vow to keep living, to draw from my £16m piss-taking pension pot until no taxpayer has a pot to piss in."

Government to raise new bail-out funding from Somali Pirates

The government tonight announced a new plan to raise extra bail-out money without further burdening hard pressed taxpayers. The news came in response to requests from the financial services and car manufacturing industries for additional finance to shield them from the free-market capitalism that they no longer wish to take part in, once it transpired that they were rubbish at it.

"We have sunk billions of taxpayer’s gold into the banks, and now need help to break their blockade on lending, Hence we need an infusion of cash from people who have no trouble raising money, Somali Pirates," said the Chancellor of the Exchequer in a statement to the Commons. "This arrangement will reduce the burden on the taxpayer and improve the integrity and ethics of the financial system."

Mr Darling was quizzed by MPs whether it was prudent to do business with an untrustworthy group, driven by their own greed who had a disregard for the rule of law, and responded that he had realised it wasn’t and it was time to stop doing business with bankers.

"We have spent many years sailing in shark infested waters," said Alistair Darling MP. "Therefore it is time to leave the City and head for the safer seas of the Gulf of Aden. Unlike a banker, a Somali pirate may not wear a pin-stripe suit, but at least he has a good grasp of not only an AK-47 but how is own business model actually works."

A pirate leader, Shamun Billingsworthbur, said at a press conference that he was pleased to be doing business with the treasury and joked that his ancestors had a long relationship with Her Majesty’s Government.

"Many, many years ago, my forefather’s business was almost in ruin, due to the hard work and diligence of the Royal Navy on the Pirate Round," he said through his shoulder-based interpreter, Polly. "Generations later, how fitting it is that you should seek out the help of the cut-throats of the seas to rescue your economies now that the Pin-Striped Pirates have all your booty. However, I may be a murderous, condemned scourge, who has murdered the family members I have not sold, but I will not work with Andy Hornby. Even I have standards."

Bank maps out new bonus structure for bank project to review bank bonus structure

Bosses at Lloyds TSB responded to criticism of their intention to pay staff bonuses, following the announcement that the group has lost nearly £11bn, by announcing a comprehensive review focussing on staff remuneration.

"We have instigated a high priority project, Project Trough, which will outline a new pay scheme for our bank-staff, rewarding only those that have really screwed the maximum out of each customer," said Sir Leonard Billingsworth, CFO of Lloyds Banking Group. "I mean really screwed them. It is important we hold onto those people. When the project completes there will be big bonuses for all involved. Really huge ones if it should complete even remotely on-time!"

The wide ranging project will be structured to ensure that shareholders in the bank can clearly see exactly how salaries and bonuses are distributed.
"Right at the heart of Project Trough will be several 'Pay Investigation Groups' composed of staff from all levels," explained Billingsworth. "Our customers, who are also taxpayers that have been compelled to become shareholders in our incompetence, will see from the P.I.Gs sticking their noses right into the heart of the Trough exactly what they have got for their money."

Whilst the new project has met with appreciation from politicians of all persuasions who see it as focussing the spotlight of public scrutiny onto the pay of the banking community they are not sure it will work for everyone working in the public sector.

"Certainly bankers have squandered huge amounts of taxpayer's money and have a bonus system to fall back on," said a Labour peer. "There are hundreds of people that have wasted even more enormous sums who are not as fortunate. We in the Lords have to make do with creative use of the expenses scheme and the bulging envelopes we receive from lobbyists for helping to shape the nation's laws. So we welcome the bankers being the subject of this distraction of public scrutiny."

Arsene Wenger to watch live Arsenal matches on TV: “fed up not seeing incidents on pitch”

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is to stop attending football matches after yet again being unable to view the action on the pitch. Previously Mr Wenger had complained about the visibility at Arsenal's Emirates stadium but has now vowed to watch all matches, home and away, from the comfort of his own sofa.

"I have been unable to see any of the action for years," said Wenger after Arsenal's goalless draw with London rivals Tottenham Hotspur. "The only action in the Spurs game was Emmanuel Eboue's sending off, and I couldn't see it because someone stood up in front of me."

The diminutive Mr Wenger, 6ft 4in, said he has long struggled to see games, often missing the key moments involving his player's lack of discipline and has repeatedly asked for a booster cushion, or perhaps a step-ladder, to be installed in the Arsenal dugout.

Arsenal said that they believed the long-standing issues of Mr Wenger being able to see anything that happens on the pitch had been solved by the design of the home dugout at their new Emirates stadium where, unlike Highbury, the manager’s seat faces the pitch. Although they conceded there was still the issue of the pillar that drops directly into Wenger’s eye line at the moment an Arsenal player pulls out a knife.

"Every game is the same, it is getting embarrassing having to admit in interviews that I didn't see an incident involving one of my players trying to take an opponent's head off," said Mr Wenger. "However just at the crucial moment someone always stands in front of me, or the bloke with the big hat returns to his seat."

Mr Wenger said that it had happened so many times that people simply do not believe him any more when he says he didn’t see an incident and that the away match at Spurs was the last game he would be attending live.

"People were barely hiding their laughter when I said that I hadn't seen the Eboue incident but it is true," said the Frenchman. "I couldn't believe it when the blimp landed on the touchline and the bloke with the big-afro hairdo got out and sat down in front of me. Again."