FA to release range of replica referee kit

The Football Association today unveiled a range of merchandise celebrating the match officials that are part and parcel of the national game. Richard Billingsworth, Head of Marketing for the Premier League, showed off some of the range at the FA headquarters in London’s Soho Square.

"We have a full range of replica kit available," he explained. "Not just the traditional black or yellow shirts but also the highly collectible fuchsia which is held in reserve to ensure that the officials don’t clash with Manchester United’s ever changing away strip."

Other items in the collection are the "Referee Experience", a series of audio CDs featuring verbal abuse from some of the English game’s top stars, such as John Terry and Rio Ferdinand. An international version is also planned with Zinedine Zidane.

"We are also in the process of filming a range of tutorial DVDs focusing on the art of the official," revealed Mr Billingsworth. "They will cover such topics as running backwards, walking to the linesman to pass the blame, pacing out just less than ten yards and collecting the ball at halftime."

Already available, however, is a new range of signed equipment, including flags, whistles as well as the Graham Poll collection of deluxe yellow cards which come in packs of three.
At the expensive end of the new range of merchandise are items such as the Plus10 LED extra time boards which will be part of the new Alex Ferguson range.

Mr Billingsworth said that early interest had been promising from fans and referees alike, but that the FA decided not to produce dry technical manuals. "Familiarity with the rules is not an intrinsic part of the Referee experience." he said. Similarly the planned series ‘Greatest Refereeing moments‘ has been postponed.

Hairdresser helps Britney Spears cure her chronic backache.

Britney Spears has spoken for the first time about her relief at finding a cure for the chronic backache from which she has suffered since 1999 and publicly thanked Esther Tognozzi, the owner of Esther’s Hair Studio in California for her help.

“I have had a look at all my hair being sold on ebay, and I just hadn’t realised I had been carrying about so much!” explained the troubled star. “Without Esther I simply would not have been able to overcome my back problems.”

Britney was responding to the news that there is currently 32 tonnes of her hair being sold on the online auction site. In fact so much hair has been sold that Esther’s salon is expected to realise profits greater than the entire GDP of Ireland.

Geography textbooks are being rewritten, listing Esther’s Hair Studio in Tarzana as having a population of 13 with an economy based upon beauty services and a major export of unwanted hair and dignity. Despite Britney’s hair being in such plentiful supply, the salon has prepared plans to diversify from raw hair to other finished products - such as rugs and mooring ropes for oil tankers.

Other industries are believed to have profited immensely from the hair bonanza. British Airways is said to have made an extra £400,000 under their new single checked in bag rule to carry the hair across the Atlantic.

Ms Spears said that she would be forever grateful to the hair salon and plans to work with them again in future. “Everyone has been such a great help that I have promised to return in a couple of months when my hair grows back, to help fulfil all the orders” said Ms Spears.

In other economic news Forbes magazine’s “Rich List“ was published yesterday and revealed that Esther Tognozzi has now surpassed Ms Spears herself as the 23rd richest woman in the USA.

BBC sound effects record tops album charts

It has been revealed that DJ Ibitsa’s summertime smash album "Mashing it up, ya? (sun06)" was actually a cover version of the BBC Sound Effects Volume 7 LP from 1973. Last year’s breakthrough sensation Ibitsa had received rave reviews for his 14 track anthology of the summer of 2006 being hailed as "the new music sensation of the Ipod generation".

The album produced conflicting reviews within the leading edge music world. Whilst all of the journalists at the vanguard described it as a masterpiece, they were often at odds to as to which track was the apex of Ibitsa’s work.

The opening track, ‘Birdsong’ was hailed as "the dawning of the new post-Robbie mourning of pop". Q hailed ‘Thunder’ as the "foretelling of the post-breakup-post-reunion-post-breakup world we are likely to find once Boyzone reform to topple Take That". ‘Speeding Train IV’ was celebrated by Mojo as an "affirming condemnation of the text-vote created one hit wonder". The final track, ‘Banging‘, was described by NME as "Banging!"

Music journalist Paul Morley said that the album was akin to being "teased and roasted, ghosted and toasted by the fusion of urban beans and the warm silkiness of organic sounds."

DJ Ibitsa, real name Daniel Billingsworth, speaking today as he left his home in the Kensington borough of London, was unrepentant.

"I think I uploaded the wrong MP3. I’d finished laying Mashup down, skipped through a few tracks and then sent it to my label," he explained. "I spotted that I had clicked on the wrong thing a few weeks later. But everyone was saying such nice things about the work and, well you know, the money was nice."

After the ‘mix-up’ was revealed the editorials of most of the nation’s premier music magazines hailed the unrecognized back catalogue of the BBC Radiophonic workshop. Paul Morley was unavailable for comment due to his extensive travel commitments for the ‘World Music’ edition of "Now that’s what I call a music clip show" filming in Soho.

Ibitsa is hopeful that the release of his original album now entitled ‘easyChill’ will be as well received.

"When I got back from my residency in Ayia Napa last summer I found that my mobile phone had been recording on my journey back," he explained. "It gave me the inspiration for a mix of a more futuristic sound. And passenger announcements."

Japanese whalers welcome news of artificial dolphin fins

The news that Fuji the dolphin has received an artificial fin, to replace her own amputated tail, has been welcomed by the Japanese whaling association.

“This is great news, “ commented Kadoma Takase of the Japan Whaling Association. “The news that Fuji is swimming happily and back to her old self thanks to modern technology is a real encouragement to all of us. It proves what we have been saying for years, that we can slice off bits of dolphins and whales as much as we like. Now we can even replace the severed bits and they will be as happy as ever.”

The Japanese fishing and whaling industries have come under increased pressure to end practices such as the annual slaughter at Taiji in southern Japan, where conservationists estimate over 2000 dolphins are killed each year.

“We have proud traditions, such as those in Taiji, but we are a modern organisation and are constantly lobbying for greater scientific study of marine mammals,” said Mr Takase. “This innovation means that we might also be able to save costs. Traditionally our proud history of marine mammal research has involved the use of numerous large ships and expensive harpoons. Now we only need a few smaller nets and a really sharp knife.”

The JWA hopes that they will be able to extend the techniques to not just other parts of dolphins, but also to other animals. “Shark’s fin soup is a prized delicacy and we hope to be able to bring it to more restaurant goers.” said Takasesan.

Japanese consumers were unconvinced that mutilation rather than killing would be a compromise suitable for both the international community and Japan’s proud history of marine study.

“Artificial fins?” queried a patron at a Tokyo restaurant sarcastically. “I am sure they will taste rubbery.”

Channel 4 and Home Office announce sentencing initiative

In response to the recent criticism over sentencing policy and the implication that criminals were being spared custodial sentences because the prisons were too full, today the Home Secretary unveiled a further initiative to provide transparency within sentencing policy.

Speaking from a prototype secure studio within the Home Office, Dr Reid demonstrated the new sentencing plan known as “Time or No Time”.



Like the model for new transparent prison population management, this initiative has been formed as a joint venture between the Home Office and Channel 4 television this time based on the successful “Deal or No Deal” format.

“This is yet another wonderful public private partnership, showing that New Labour can innovate in all areas of society, especially in the area of crime.” explained Dr Reid as he gave a demonstration of the new sentencing procedure (pictured).

“Once the verdict has been given, the criminal will be able to open a series of boxes to determine the sentence they will serve in prison.” explained the Home Secretary. “Periodically the Judge will interrupt play with an offer of an alternative sentence based on a formula drawn up by the Home Office. This really is thinking outside the box!" he added.

The sentencing will range from being set free through ASBO and Community Service to long term imprisonment. Regardless of the crime that player has been convicted of they may be sentenced to time in an open or secure prison. Indeed some car thieves may end up spending time classified as paedophiles.

“I think this once again shows that New Labour has not run out of ideas,” said Dr Reid, as he opened his final box revealing 'Throw Key' for permanent incarceration.

Court sees new evidence in 21/7 bombing trial

Woolwich crown court was today shown new evidence in the trial of the six men accused of planning suicide bombing attacks on the London transport system on 21st July 2005.

The court was shown the al-Qaeda calendar for 2005.

It is a half-yearly calendar as the users would have no need for anything after June.

Tate Modern announces results of accessibility trial

The Tate Modern gallery, on the South Bank of the River Thames in London today announced the results of the first stage of its trial into making art available to the disabled.

“Often art needs to be viewed in lighting or from angles that not everyone can appreciate, “ explained Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, a trustee of the gallery. “We set the artistic community the challenge of making pieces that were as meaningful for disabled visitors as for others.”

The first installation in the trial has been a spiral staircase for the disabled (pictured).

“The results have been marvellous, “ said Sir Marmaduke. “Although admittedly better coming down, than going up.”

Electrifying changes planned for Celebrity Big Brother

Channel 4 has announced the results of an internal review into the controversy surrounding the last series and the effects it has had on the lives of the celebrities. The series is to be revamped with a provisional title of “Celebrity Suicide Watch”.

“There was a record number of complaints from the viewing public and so we need to reflect their need for action as well as the statements from the luvvies involved.” commented a source within Channel 4 who did not wish to be named.

“Since they came out the housemates have been on numerous TV programmes saying that it has ruined their careers and lives,” he explained. “A couple have even considered suicide, so we thought we really needed to use the power of the Big Brother house to turn around such a terrible situation and get the show back to entertainment.”

The source said that the next series of Celebrity Big Brother will therefore abandon evictions from the house, but will instead revert to communal punishment.

“At the end of each vote all the contestants will be strapped into their own electric chair,” explained the source. “The voltage applied to each contestant will be in proportion to the votes they receive from the public. So, if they are all equally annoying to the viewers they will all get a mild tingle and a new hairstyle. Of course if one is really standing out with the public then it will be roast pork on the menu that night.”

Channel 4 denied that such an electrocution system had been in place for this year’s show.

“Cleo Rocos’s hair has always been like that” he said.

The new format will appeal to the visceral nature of reality TV but will also provide the celebrities involved with a reduction in time spent in therapy.

“They all want to go into rehab. It’s like the ASBO of the celebrity world. If you have been in rehab you have really suffered dahling.” commented research scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “So the producers can sell electro-shock therapy as a benefit of being on the show.”

When asked if the likelihood of death would put off the celebrities wishing to take part the Channel 4 source was unconcerned.

“There will always be another 15 z-listers who want once last chance to heat up their tired careers and this really could be their last! They always say you should go out whilst you are still hot.”

Residents complain about influx of immigrants

At the "Local Diversity" conference in Birmingham, residents from small communities all over the UK got together to discuss how immigration is changing the face of Britain.

"It has really changed since I was a child, " commented Andrea Ladbroke, 83. "When I was a young girl Notting Hill was filled with wealthy families. Their large houses full of the comings and goings of old money. The local cafes filled with gossip from the servants."

Notting Hill, like other areas of London, and indeed many of Britain’s communities, has suffered from the influx of outsiders, says Mrs. Ladbroke.

"Well all the houses now are full of American movie stars or Pop Stars from northern towns. It just isn’t the same. They come here buy up all the property and take all the local broadcasting jobs at the BBC. What’s more you can‘t understand a word they say." she added.

It seems those long term residents that remain are dwindling in number and this is causing the traditional character of the area to disappear.

"Well, I feel sorry for the young people, they simply cannot afford a house unless they have had a BAFTA award winning show, or perhaps sold out Knebworth. I just don’t understand how they are going to get onto the property ladder."

Residents were not happy with the way the newcomers were integrating into local traditions.

"We still have the carnival but now it is filled with foreigners coming from places like St Lucia in the Caribbean," Andrea pointed out. "I have nothing against the Caribbean, I find it a wonderful place to winter." she added.

Henry Billingsworth, 76, from Prestbury in Cheshire said his small town had suffered a similar fate to that of Notting Hill, with the influx of residents from Portugal, the USA and Liverpool.

"You can’t cross the street safely, at my age, for fear of meeting your end on the front of a Ferrari or one of them big Mercedes off road cars," he said. "They take all the local’s jobs too. If we hadn’t let that Cristiano Ronaldo into the country then David Beckham might still have a job."

The influx of new culture has led to some improvements in the lives of the locals.

"It would be wrong to say there have been no changes for the better," remarked Mr. Billingsworth. "My small 2 bedroom semi is now worth £2.5 million and I never used to be able to get a Caramel Macchiato at 1 in the morning."

Channel 4 to work with Home Office on prison reform

The Home Secretary, John Reid, today announced that Channel 4 and the Home Office would be forming a new partnership to end the overcrowding and mis-management in the UK’s prisons.

"In a landmark partnership, we will be turning a number of prisons over to be administered by Channel 4 television," announced Dr Reid at a press conference today. "The broadcaster will bring its expertise to the problem of overcrowding in Britain’s prisons."

The Home Secretary explained that the prison numbers would be regulated by a series of phone vote evictions.

"The prisons’ security cameras will be broadcast on a new digital TV channel and we know that the public are very keen to follow the tedium in the daily routines of people kept in close quarters, sharing sleeping and washing facilities," explained the Home Secretary. "So clearly this is a solution that is fit for purpose and the revenue will be useful too," he added.

"We have experience not just of running phone voting," commented Hilary Billingsworth of the Channel 4 board. "We have great experience dealing with incarcerated racists, and further we are used to dealing with con-artists – i.e. those who pretend to be someone they are not," he explained, "Such as the alleged celebrities we have been trotting out for years,"

Dr Reid also paid tribute to other competencies that Channel 4 will be bringing to the joint venture.

"The Big Brother house is already a clear example of ‘what great looks like’ for the rest of the department to focus on. In three weeks, they have had only two men escape. That already puts the Big Brother house as the best performing prison," he said.

Tony "The Spanner", currently midway through his sentence in Wandsworth prison, spoke by video link.

"Normally people in Big Brother moan about each other being fake. In this version viewers will be able to see who is really innocent, rather than just claiming to be," he commented from a prototype prison ‘Diary Room’. "If it goes well for me, I could be in the celebrity version when I re-offend, it would be nice to meet some newspaper editors and pop stars."

Channel 4 denied this was a desperate move to re-invigorate a tired franchise with ever more salacious content and that the replacement of programme sponsors Carphone Warehouse with Imperial Leather soap had been planned for some time.

"We have always maintained that if those involved want to have sexual encounters we are not to intervene. It just might be that with this reality format any such adult entertainment is a touch more, erm, ferocious than they expect."

Scientists hail discovery of new emotion

Scientists have heralded the discovery of a new emotion by a researcher at the Kyle University in Birmingham.

“Following a year long study it has become clear that in addition to the traditional emotions of anger, fear, love and so on, there is very definitely another powerful driver of the human psyche” stated controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The Professor, recently released from a custodial sentence for aggravated assault, explained how he approached his work.

“Due to court-orders preventing me conducting research directly on my assistants, I proceeded to observe my fellow researchers as they conducted their daily tasks on their own projects. It became apparent to me that as their projects developed and they experienced successes and failure, they clearly experienced a new emotion that I have called ‘futilation’.”

The Professor revealed that the new emotion, whilst outwardly similar to existing ones, appears to be specifically found within the scientific research community itself.

“This emotion is best described as experiencing frustration that your best efforts are being expended on a futile exercise,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “This exercise might be one that is being repeatedly described to you as of high importance, but that you realise is at best only ever going to be appreciated by those close to you, and at worst costs you your marriage and wastes your youth. Being futilated is a very destructive state to be in.”

When questioned as to the actual usefulness of this research Professor Billingsworth reacted angrily.

“You see, right now I am experiencing raging futilation, just like when my budget was cut on my research into violence. Shortly before I was convicted.”

Within 24 hours of the announcement of the discovery, a new specialist firm of solicitors was advertising on UK Gold offering help with personal injury claims for anyone futilated at work.

British film-makers call for re-introduction of the death penalty

A petition signed by the great and the good of the British film industry was presented to 10 Downing Street today in the ongoing campaign for the re-instatement of the death penalty. This followed yesterday’s similar move by the screenwriters’ guild petitioning for police to be armed as a matter of course.

Lord Winningsworth, famed director of films such as ‘Electric Death’, ‘The Trial of Dr Jones’ and the controversial ‘Kill Rage’ series spoke outside the famous black door.

“British filmmakers, some of the finest writing and directing talents in the world, are currently hamstrung by the UK’s lack of a death penalty,” he explained. “They are limited in their work because a tense courtroom drama doesn’t work if the denouement is a sentence of ‘twenty years with time off for good behaviour less time served on remand’. I mean where is the drama in that?” he said.

When asked about the inevitability of miscarriages of justices with the finality of a death sentence, Lord Winningsworth said that was part of the consideration.

“Indeed, that too is another rich line of drama. Films exploring the tragic mistakes of the justice system are much loved by writers and actors – they all love those powerful speeches.”

Anne Corman, award winning crime fiction writer, expressed similar sentiments being felt by a large number of novelists and those working in television.

“Police dramas in the UK are never going to be able to compete against those from the US, there is not enough gunplay – rarely can we write a believable shoot-out, no car is ever likely to get its tyres shot out by pursuing Police officers.”

The death penalty is a controversial subject that has divided the nation. It was abolished in 1965 after pressure from the print media, concerned that they can never match the drama of such a live event and therefore moved to try and stem the growth of television news. With the advent of 24 hour news, the broadcast media has backed the writers and filmmakers.

“We can’t always rely on the US and Iraq for such wonderful live drama” said a source at Sky News.

Tomorrow Andrew Stevens of Channel 4 television will be presenting a petition for the jury system to be replaced with a system of text voting.

United States reacts to new European Leader

There were mixed reactions across the United States of America to the news that Michel Platini had been elected as the new President of UEFA. In bars and truck stops across the land the talk was all about the implications for Europe, relations with the US and the future of the Middle East.

"Well its good to see them using their new democratic powers that we gave them," commented Kurt Billingsworthski, a trucker from Ohio. "Having a Frenchman in charge, though, well that just turns them further against us."

Indeed, this was a sentiment echoed by Fox News, which led with "Europe votes for surrender – Frenchman elected as President!" in its evening broadcast. "This is further evidence of a weakness at the heart of Old Europe further turning its back on the United States." added political firebrand commentator Bill O’Reilly.

President Bush said that he welcomed the show of democracy within Europe, but warned "We must continue this fight on all fronts, Europeans must remain steadfast in their desire for freedom."

However whilst the layman was focussed on the news with regards to high level principles and values, others within George W. Bush’s administration seemed to be aware of more of the detail of the electoral issues. Condoleeza Rice commented "From an economic perspective we can work closely with our European partners, although we would hope to free up the regulatory framework around proposals for a salary cap. However the US is steadfast in its belief that reducing the number of qualification places for the Champion’s League can only be balanced by an increase in weaker league representation which would dilute the overall quality of the competition."

Back in his favourite bar, "Old Glory", Kurt felt that as the dust settles, the existing world order would not change substantially.

"Well, you know, internationally, the US team is still the envy of the world, and back home it has the finest, most sophisticated, richest and most entertaining league, " said Kurt. "Heck we now have that Damon Bradman coming from Spain. He will have to be in the prime of his career to compete in the MLS."

Consumer was neither stunned nor amazed

Confused consumer Beth Billingsworth is campaigning for a greater understanding of "normal" people in society.

"I first started to suspect something a couple of months ago when I picked up a mobile phone in the shop and was able to look at its styling and understand its features completely. The product display said it was stunning yet I was in now way deprived of consciousness by looking at the phone. In another shop I looked at a computer, and whilst I thought that the features were very good for a model at its price point I was in no way overwhelmed with either surprise or wonder. In fact if anything I felt quite assured that Moore’s Law was in fact still pertinent some forty years after he proposed it."

Beth was perplexed and felt there must be something wrong with her. "The advertising industry spends millions each year on TV advertising that states quite clearly that not only will we all make an emotional connection with some product or service, but that we will become unable to deal with the intensity of such feeling – hence the usage of superlatives.

"I sought treatment but, although I spent quite a lot of time reading astounding self help books and I attended a couple of seminars by ‘wonderful’ speakers, I was never at any point filled with a sense of awe that would leave me bewildered as to the message that was being delivered," said Beth shaking her head.

Beth has now come to realise that she is in fact, "perfectly normal" and that most advertising is in fact "complete bollocks".

"It is total bunk," announced Beth, "I mean of course some people fall for it but then they are the kind of people who wear clothes with overt logos on them and say ‘like’ every other word. Normal people don’t do any of the above and we are clearly being disenfranchised – we just want nice clear information that enables us to make purchasing decisions."

Lin Wiblongth, partner at leading advertising firm Smith, Smith, Smythe, Schmidt, Smed and Szmyt gave a statement on behalf of the advertising industry. "This fantastic campaign will provide an amazing springboard into the outstanding experiences of normal people. It is a truly stunning revelation that I think all of us in Adland will take on board. My colleagues found it so amazing we only needed three pictures of Margaritas at our last creative meeting. Astounding." She than sat comatose staring out of the window.

Government created religious consensus spawns new peace group

"It is another wonderful achievement for New Labour," claimed Ruth Kelly, Communities Secretary. "We have managed to achieve what many people have thought impossible, a genuine consensus across all faiths. It is an historic milestone"

Ms Kelly was speaking after the Church of England backed the Catholic Church in its desire to continue discrimination against gay people in response to new legislation banning the withholding of services based on sexual orientation.

"Isn't it wonderful? We also know that Muslim groups don't want to have to print leaflets or let facilities to people who are good with colours either."

The gay community, whilst wanting to do all the things heterosexual people do but without having arguments over the position of the toilet seat, announced it had plans to capitalise on this unique position and launch a new role as peace broker throughout the world.

"Essentially, no matter whether they are black, white, Christian, Muslim or Jew - a lot of people seem to have it in for us, " explained Peter Billingsworth of Stonewall. "Not in a good way either."

Gay associations are offering to mediate in domestic and international disputes with a new voluntary group of "Common Enemies". In areas of conflict the new teams will arrive in the area in a fleet of pink Volkswagen camper vans bearing the trademark rainbow flags. They will set up camp bases between the conflicting factions.

The idea is that once the militias have focussed their hate on the newly "out" gay community a longer term dialogue can begin, moving from the starting point of spite filled scripture and aiming towards true reconciliation. One of the first areas to be offered the new "Common Enemies" service is the middle east - a flashpoint of Muslim, Jewish and Christian hatred.

"We think we can unite these communities pretty quickly," said a volunteer who wished to remain nameless. "It will probably take only one Gay Pride march. We hope we don't have to resort to using local costumes with the arse cut out, but we hold that in reserve if we have to."

Government moves to ban catchphrase humour

Yesterday, in the House of Commons, Tony Blair announced proposals for government legislation to ban catchphrase humour, a “blight”, he said, “on creative writing and humorous thinking that has plagued British society for too long”.

“It is time now to bring to a close the seemingly endless round of two dimensional characters filling our screens with yet another way of saying the same tired old message. This is a national problem, not a local one for local people, and government must intervene.”

The debate in the commons reached fever pitch as the opposition benches clamoured to take New Labour to task.

“British comedy is the envy of the world, and generates loadsamoney for the economy,” said Conservative leader, David Cameron, “Yet, we have known for some time that such an institution is not safe from this politically correct government, we knew that you just wouldn’t let it lie, would you?”

“Yes, but, no, but you shouldn’t listen to that George Osborne,” retorted the Prime Minister. “His figures don’t add up at all. You know, being PM is the hardest game in the world, it is. I been PM for ten years, man and boy.”

Sir Menzies Campbell attacked the lack of opportunity for the public to voice their concerns over the proposed changes to comedy. “You don’t want to do it like that,” he said, “ you want to do it like this: form a select committee to hear testimony from members of the public and distil policy out of informed focus groups with proper overseas fact-finding.”

The Labour party itself is showing a united front. When challenged on Newsnight as to which of Mr Blair’s policies he would be proud to take through as the future Prime Minister, Gordon Brown said he wanted “that one”. When pressed by Jeremy Paxman that such comedy provided reassuring predictability and comfort to those in society less confident as to be able to discern humour in a social situation, Mr Brown reiterated, “I want that one.”

Sources have revealed that a constitutional crisis was averted by the Queen, indignant that this should be introduced into an already busy Parliamentary session. ”How very dare you!” she exclaimed. “One is having a fag!”

Museum of the Double Entendre to close

The nation’s only museum dedicated to ribaldry has announced that it would be closing at the end of the month.

“Attendance figures have become flaccid in the last few years, I guess British humour has just changed,” commented Herbert Billingsworth, the museum’s founder. “We tried to follow society, but in the end we just couldn’t keep it up.”

The Museum of the Double Entendre was opened in Bristol in the late 60s and has dedicated itself to documenting and preserving Britain’s rich history of ‘seaside humour’.

“We have a wonderful collection of postcards, and of course we have the Benny Hill wing which is popular with American tourists,” explained Billingsworth.

“We first had the idea for the museum in the mid sixties. Originally we had hoped for two museums with one for stage and screen and the other for printed materials. We got into position in ’69 and opened up pretty quickly. The initial few years gave us great hope to construct a purpose built facility forming the pair of Bristol’s leading entertainment venue.”

The museum prospered for its first ten years or so. However the second building was never built, as British humour moved away from the saucy ‘Carry On’ movies and into the ‘Alternative’ movement of the 80s. The last major acquisition was original artwork from Viz, before the money dried up.

“We had to shelve our plans for the second building. It was going to be a magnificent erection. We always had problems with queuing and we designed the new building with two entrances, you could enter from either the front or the back but we made sure you would get the same satisfaction whichever way you came.”

The exhibits from the greats of British humour such as Tommy Cooper, Morecombe and Wise, the Two Ronnies and Jimmy Carr’s agent - to name but a few - are now up for sale.

“We do hope buyers come forward, we have some great assets that I know collectors would love to get their hands on,” implored Herbet. ”We have Barbara Windsor’s heart bikini from ‘Carry on Doctor’, for example. It is a national treasure, and it would be a shame to have to take it up the back passage - to the charity shop.”

Mr Billingsworth said that one of the saddest things is that future generations of comedy writers would not have such a comprehensive collection to study from.

“I myself had always hoped to move into comedy, and I wanted to learn from the masters, hence the museum,” smirked Billingsworth. “Still I will always be thankful for the mammaries.”

Maths teaching to be made more practical

Following on from recent developments in language teaching based around the use of smuggled cigarettes, the Department of Education is now taking a similar approach to the area of mathematics.

“For too long Maths has had trouble engaging with youth” complained Jane Billingsworth, government spokeperson on Youth Culture. “In classrooms all around this great land we hear the wail of ‘But sir, when am I ever going to use that’. Whether it be trigonometry, fractions, long division, it always seems to unrelated to their lives”, she continued, speaking in between runs on the half-pipe at Stockwell Skatepark.

“What we propose is to revolutionise teaching in Maths. Fraction teaching will be based around how to work out how much a quarter of hash for yourself and an eighth of Jamaican black for your mum will cost. Number theory will be taught with the conventional number line but the milestones will be “number of months until baby born, council house application” and so on. Estimation will be taught based on scratch card and cider purchases and the number of days until giro day.

Ms Billingsworth explained, after her third and successful attempt to complete a frontside 360, that if the changes to Mathematics are as successful as expected this approach will be extended to other subjects.

“Physics will still focus on the Newtonian laws of motion, friction and so on, but with practical application to avoiding the Filth, the best cars to nick and their associated physical driving characteristics.”

However the changes are expected to only see improvement in academic performance.

“Hopefully this will engage young people. But we don’t expect miracles, teenage boys will continue to dress as though they are wearing their pyjamas and girls will continue to smell like Cuban ashtrays.

Man awakens from long period of hypnosis

Mark Billingsworth, 38, an IT manager for a large financial institution, explained how he had been awoken from what appeared to be an extended period of hypnosis.

“I am still in a bit of a daze really. “ he explained “It was only yesterday morning that I came out from under the influence.”

Mr. Billingsworth said that he was not sure how long he had been hypnotized for but believed it may have been as a long as several years.

“The last thing I remember I was in my early twenties. I was young, slim, had a full head of hair and used to love touring on my motorbike.” He reminisced. “I remember playing the guitar in a band, we were pretty good I think. We could have got somewhere, although I remember considering being a writer more than a performer.”

It appears that after undergoing hypnosis Mr. Billingsworth traded his motorbike in for a people carrier, and spent his subsequent weekends not at music festivals or bike rallies but at B&Q and Ikea.

“When I wasn’t on my bike, or with the band, I remember being quite sporty. I used to hate golf and love football. Now it appears I am a member of the local golf club and its social society!”

The changes in his hobbies appear to have been even more wide-ranging.

“I can’t play the guitar very well anymore. I don’t think I have been to a drunken after-show party in years. I am now an IT project manager following a structured development methodology, not changing the world through subversive writing.”

Mark also explained how he came out of his seemingly decades long trance.

“Well it was yesterday morning. I was startled out of the trance when my two year old son threw his breakfast into my face and my apparent hypnotist asked me why I hadn’t put the shelves up in the study.”

Man hospitalised attempting to complete a year in a month

Jason Billingsworth, 26, was today reliving his last few days for the press after being discharged from Barking Hospital. “Well you know, we all live a fast paced lifestyle these days,” said the unemployed van driver from Dagenham. “I had read all these facts in the newspaper, like, about how much we eat and drink in a year. Well you know I thought that must take a lot of time.”

Mr Billingsworth explained that he decided to free up as much time as possible later on in the year by consuming his total amount of food and drink in the month of January.

“Think of the time I’m gonna save not shopping, eating or crapping. It was a blinding idea.” he explained. “I was even more clever than that too. I read that a packet of crisps a day was a equivalent to five litres of cooking fat. Well I like my crisps, but I know I can drink quicker than I can eat. So I got myself 5 litres of cooking fat and polished that right off.”

Mr Billingsworth explained further ingenuity. “The 45 portions of chips was a challenge. Its two meals a day that. But I had lots of chip butties which put a massive dent in the amount of bread I have to eat.”

“Of course I was really looking forward to all the beer,” said Jason, whilst smoking 3 cigarettes at once. “100 litres in a month! Marvelllous! I am not sure how much I got through, because I passed out an ended up in the hospital. It must have been a fair amount mind, as I was in their toilet for four hours pissing rusty water out me arse.”

Mr Billingsworth is undaunted by the trip to A&E, as he said that was on his list anyway.

“I have to get off home now, as the pizza boy should be arriving soon with the low-loader.”