Farmers demand greater crop circle subsidies

Farming representatives today began lobbying the European Union for greater financial compensation for the phenomena of crop circles.

Amos Billingsworth, owner of a huge farm near Yatesbury in Wiltshire, farm shop proprietor and owner of “Industrialists in Wellies Weekly” began the campaign with a press breakfast at the 5-star Warwick Barsey Hotel in Brussels. The central pillar of complaint he said was that struggling farmers such as himself should be better compensated each year with regards to crop circles on their land.

“As everyone knows, farming is no longer about growing crops, more it is about owning vast tracts of land and being paid taxpayers money from all over Europe not to grow crops. That is fine by us and something the farming community not only supports but we would hate to see a simple return to free market economics” began Mr Billingsworth. “But you must remember farmers are the trustees of the land for future generations to sell in lucrative land deals with Tescos or Golf Course developers. Until that time we have other costs of not doing business to consider.”

Mr Billingsworth then expanded upon his member’s central need for further subsidy. “In an attempt to earn more money from the land, many farmers grow crops each year in the hope that hoaxers will flatten them creating their increasingly complicated patterns to dupe the gullible or those desperate to believe in other forces. We farmers are more than happy to offer tourists access to the crop circles, as well as a wide range of souvenirs in our farm shops. However, as you know, crop circle hoaxing is seasonal in both quantity and quality and in recent years local home grown crop circle production has faced competition from Eastern Europe. In Romania, for example, a simple three circle interlocking Venn-Diagram will gain far more tourist money and press coverage than even the fantastically complicated 'Treble Julia Set' manages to gather at home."

During the buffet conference, noticeably missing any British produce, Mr Billingsworth drew on some of the important historical relationships between the circles and the farms in whose crops they are formed.

“Back in the late seventies myself and a few other farmers were drinking in a pub in Southampton. It was the night after a particularly good demonstration against imported New Zealand lamb, “ he reminisced somewhat wistfully. “We met a couple of chaps by the name of Dave and Doug who wanted to be rich and famous in the local community but were not farmers and therefore had no way of getting money for nothing. After a while we hit on the idea of flattening some of my crops into circular shapes and putting about that Aliens, or secret government aircraft or, well anything other than a couple of blokes with old floorboards, did it. It was a spectacular success! In subsequent years many farmers around the UK have had contracts with the Discovery Channel, Fortean Times and all sorts of paranormal magazines and writers. Without that idea I wouldn’t have been able to work in Hollywood, with that nice Mr Gibson on the movie ‘Signs’. Times are hard now and it is time the EU helped us out by giving us payments when farmers have no circles on their land and undamaged fields”

Several of the journalists present were keen to press Mr Billingsworth on why farmers just didn’t use their business expertise to profit directly from the land - perhaps by growing crops in preparation for the inevitable surge in demand for bio-fuels. Mr Billingsworth would not be drawn on what he called “futuristic plans that sound like hard work”.

Big Bro Posh Spice wannabe wannabe launches career

A devoted fan spoke to the media today about her aspirations to emulate her heroine and Big Brother 8 contestant, Chanelle Hayes.

"Chanelle is my hero," said Chardonnay Bucket, 18, from Formby in Merseyside. "I have followed her entire week-long career and think she is just wonderful. The way she wants to be Victoria Beckham makes me just want to be Chanelle Hayes."

Chardonnay says that she still has a lot to learn from her idol and is avidly following Big Brother’s live broadcasts on E4.

"She is just the best at saying ‘Stupid’ at the end of every sentence and speaking in one long endless sentence that seems to only repeat the stuff that she has already said several times and is delivered as though she is fighting for air after nearly drowning, before saying ‘Stupid‘ and repeating herself again and again," gasped Chardonnay.

Miss Bucket says that it will take her time to fully master the talents of Chanelle, but that she is determined to put the effort in.

"I need to practice more on some of her other talents. I got a bit engrossed in heat magazine yesterday and didn’t use my hair straighteners for 45 minutes, for example."

"I can sit and talk about make-up for hours, just like Chanelle. I look great in my underwear, but I am still studying for my A-Levels at the moment, and still a virgin. Stupid!" she blushed. "Nothing sordid for the papers yet. Stupid!"

As Chanelle wants to use her talents to follow Victoria Beckham to Madrid and Los Angeles, Miss Bucket is hopeful that she can follow Chanelle’s stellar career.

"I plan to go to Madrid this summer, and I hope I can get a video of me being shagged by a Spanish barman wearing a Real Madrid football shirt," revealed Chardonnay. "Then it is practising sitting around and bursting into tears about hair and make-up until Big Brother 9 comes round."

Chardonnay hopes that she can get her pop career over and done with before she returns to school this September. Her first single, a cover of the Victoria Beckham’s ‘Not such an innocent girl’ reached a peak of 26 in the Australian chart on Sunday (ten places higher than the original version achieved) before plummeting out of the top 500 today.

First "Big-Boned" skeleton discovered

Egyptologists today revealed details of what is believed to be the first example of a ‘big-boned’ skeleton ever discovered. The ‘big-boned’ phenomenon is one that has mystified physicians for decades since despite the millions of apparent sufferers, no skeletons have ever been found.

"We were researching the mummy of an ancient Egyptian Princess Tentopet, from the time of Ramesses ‘The Great’. When we produced a computer reconstruction of her skeleton, we were quite surprised by the findings," explained Dr. Bill Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Pantheonic Studies. "That Tentopet was of slightly above average height is to be expected as she would have had the better diet of royalty. However she also exhibits wider and thicker hips, thighs and upper arms, whilst the rest of her skeleton is of average dimensions."

The team hopes that their discovery will provide information for the millions of people said to be suffering from ‘big bones’.

Found with Tentopet where a number of fragile papyrus documents that the team has spent the last three years deciphering.

"There is a catalogue of the beasts of the kingdom along with the plants of her farms. Each animal and plant has been given a value," explained Dr Bill Billingsworth. "We think it is some sort of religion based on eating certain combinations of animals, or attaining a certain total. One translation of the document title is the ‘Lexicon of the Heaviness Observers’."

Entombed with Tentopet were several documents describing her reign and include details of a ceremonial weekly weigh-in for all of her female subjects involving the chant ‘No matter what, we can’t lose weight."

However it is the remarkable skeleton that has excited the team the most as their subsequent research reveals it to be a unique specimen.

"We have checked medical records, autopsy reports, and neither ancient specimens nor modern records have ever documented a genuine ‘big-boned’ human skeleton, until now," said Dr. Billingsworth. "Although they are quite common in pigs," he added.

Queen condemns paparazzi intrusion

Today, in a break with tradition, Her Majesty the Queen lashed out at the media and what she feels is the constant intrusion of press-pack and photographers into her life. Queen Elizabeth II is said to be the person who has had more photographs and other likenesses of her than any other person in human history but it seems that it may finally, after 55 years as monarch, be getting too much.

"Everywhere one goes, one is photographed." said the reigning monarch. "Sometimes we feel as though we live in the constant blindness of a seemingly infinite number of flashbulbs."

The Queen is said to be particularly unhappy about the trend within recent years for the press to want more candid images of her and less formal portraiture.

"The younger generations of the family seem to suffer it worse. However nowadays one can expect to see images of one paying for drinks in west end nightclubs and even paying for fares on the bus. I believe there is also one of me on Holiday. It can get somewhat tiresome".

Historically of course the establishment had a more "arms length" relationship with the press and back in the 1950s, when Her Majesty came to power, other areas of the print media were altogether more respectful. For example Buckingham Palace was easily able to get the Bank of Fleet Street‘s £5 note to commemorate Queen Elizabeth’s coronation changed to replace the originally planned topless image.

Creationists : “Maps are the work of the Devil”

The ongoing debate between evolutionists and creationists has escalated as the proponents of "Intelligent Design" have lashed out at cartographers as being "purveyors of Evil". Pastor Jesse Billingsworth of the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee in the USA, made the comments during his television show.

"It is clear that science is trying to destroy God, but He is greater than any so called theory. Evolutionists want to use Science to tell us how we got to where we are – well I know how we got here, the Lord put us here to do his bidding and to go to the places He wants us to go to. The so-called mapmakers say they want to explore and document His work, that they too want to show us the way! There is only one Way, the Way of the Lord, to follow the Word. We don’t need to understand where we are and less do we need to understand where we are going. We have Faith in the Lord! These people, these pawns of Satan, purveyors of Evil, say they want to lead us to our destination. Well I don’t need a map for that, do you? I have the Book and Faith to take me to our destination – the Promised Land!".

Fellow Creationists have taken up the Pastor’s words and have started pickets and organised the mass burning of Atlases and gazetteers. Online petitions have been set-up against various web-sites offering maps and Map-a-multi.com has been the subject of co-ordinated Denial of Service attacks.

James Azimuth, Under Secretary of the Cartographers Union (N53:33:24 W3:03:16 branch) spoke at a debate on the subject today. " ‘Way Fundamentalism’ as it is known, is a classic appropriation of fear and ignorance by the extreme church to control people. They not only want to control what people think and research but also where they do it. They have started to pelt motorists using satellite navigation systems with manure, Yet they won’t even engage in debate about how such systems work if they are just some sort of Satanic trickery."

A spokesman for the Merseyside Evangelical Church commented "We would have been happy to attend the debate and spread the light of the True Way with those who need to be saved, but I didn’t know the way to the conference."

New Olympic logo revealed

The new logo for the 2012 London Olympics has been revealed to the public. It will be the branding adopted on all signage and merchandise. It is hoped its new dramatic style will reflect the true value of the games to Londoners on the world at large.

"We feel that the new dynamic styling of the logo will fully reflect the stability of the massive undertaking that will make the London Olympics the finest games that money can buy," said Lord Billingsworth, the chairman of the Internaional Olympic Financial Awareness committee.

"This logo, available in a range of different colours, is the first Olympic logo to feature imagery that directly reflects the feelings of Londoners for the games and the commitment of Britain to making sure the games are a success," he said.

Outgoing Prime Minister, Tony Blair, endorsed the new logo and the manner in which it captures the wealth of creativity being expended on the games.

"Look, I won’t be Prime Minister of this fine nation in 2012 but I hope to have a window in my lecture tour schedule to come and have a look at the VIP facilities in Stratford," he said. "Gordon will have a list of my fees for speaking."

The Prime Minister also said that the new logo would appeal to young people and inspire them to change their lives for the better.

"The logo represents how much of their future is already mortgaged," said Mr Blair. "Given the pensions problem they will need to get involved in sport at an early age to be active and healthy enough to work into their 80s to pay off £9bn."

Hasty release of new cricket game

Billingtons Games has announced the latest version of its ever popular whodunit game - Cluedo, this time with a sporting theme - Test Match Cluedo.

"Cluedo has been thrilling generations of games players since 1948 and we feel that now is the perfect time to launch Test Match Cluedo," said Dr Noir, Head of Game Development at family firm Billingtons Games.

The game plays exactly as the traditional version of Cluedo except that the setting has changed from a manor house to an opulent cricket club with the victim now a prominent cricket coach. In addition the suspect have been renamed in favour of the nations that play in their respective colours: Australia replaces Colonel Mustard; England is Miss Scarlett; West Indies takes on the role of Professor Plum; South Africa assumes Reverend Green’s position; Mrs. White is played by Pakistan and India plays the role of Mrs. Peacock. The final change is that the candlestick and lead-pipe weapons have been replaced by a cricket bat and ball respectively.

The game has been endorsed as being the official homicide investigation game of the Jamaican Police.

Dr Noir said that the game was available to order from all good toyshops immediately and that stocks would be on the high-streets as soon as they became available. He denied that the game had been rushed out hastily.

"It was always part of the plan to have a summer release, with cricket being a summer game, he said. "It has nothing to do with any announcements from the West Indies that Bob Woolmer may have died of natural causes after all."

Knives to carry warning labels

Following hot on the heels of the voluntary move by the alcohol industry, knife manufacturers across the UK are applying warning labels to their products in an effort raise awareness of the challenges of knife ownership.

"We recognise that in today’s modern Britain more and more products are being affixed with warning labels and, well, as manufacturers of some very sharp implements we didn’t want to be left out," explained Naomi Smith, CEO of her family’s forging business in Sheffield.

The warning labels follow the model of those that have for years been increasing in size and directness on tobacco products.

"We have gone for quite direct messages," explained Mrs Smith. "So for example our meat cleavers now carry a large warning message about its sharp edge."

The family firm, Billingsworth Steel, has full ranges of knives and cooking utensils both with and without warning labels.

"We have to face the reality, our knives are not only used by professional chefs in top restaurants, but also by stupid people in Manchester and therefore we feel we can now cater for both groups," she said.

The Chef’s Knife in the labelled range bears the warning ‘Risk of blindness if poked in eyes’ whilst users of the serrated bread-knife are told that it is ‘Not to be taken internally’.

Dutch game show threatens UK lottery

Mandarins at the NHS have received the news that a new Dutch game show gives the winning contestant a life-changing kidney transplant with horror.

“Even if you ignore the obviously tasteless nature of this programme,” commented Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth of the Weatherfield NHS Trust. “The fact is that thousands of patients every year take part in the famous NHS 'postcode lottery' for their treatments.”

There are concerns that should shows such as the kidney transplant based ‘The Big Donor Show’ become as much as part of TV fabric as other Endemol reality productions, such as Big Brother, have become in the UK then the NHS 'postcode lottery' could suffer the same fate as the football pools suffered with the introduction of the National Lottery.

“It is a proud British tradition that the standard of your care can be influenced by where you live and the local policies of a particular Trust.” said Sir Marmaduke. “This is one of the facets that make the NHS unique, and something that continually entertains tabloid reporters.”

Other concerns are around the selection procedure of the Dutch show, with the winning contestant being chosen by the terminally ill donor in a shallow “Blind Date” style character test.

“Patients don’t want tearful video pleadings from family members and messages from members of the public to decide their treatment. They get all that on visiting day,” explained Sir Marmaduke. “They prefer the modern NHS where their care is at the mercy of faceless bureaucrats and accountants applying cost - benefit analysis in a completely unfeeling manner.”

Restaurants to promote equal opportunities

Today the Institute of Curry Emporia, ICE, launched its campaign to improve awareness of equality and diversity within the restaurant trade, an industry it says has lagged behind the rest of business in embracing the diversity of British racial demographics.

“For too long now the workforce of Indian Restaurants in the United Kingdom has been dominated by people of Asian origin,” explained Chandra Billingu.

“We need to ensure that the Indian Restaurant of tomorrow reflects the rich diversity of British culture with equal opportunity for all.”

Whilst the curry has for some time laid claim to being Britain’s national dish the overwhelming majority of over 70,000 staff in more than 8,000 Indian restaurants in the UK are of an Asian background.

“We are working with schools and colleges to stimulate interest in the finest Asian cuisine,” said Mr Billingu. “We will have workshops with the finest curry chefs from Birmingham and Bradford visiting schools throughout the country. We are also launching a comprehensive range of free recipe books and cooking technique manuals.”

ICE said that it was not just its members’ restaurants that needed to do better to ensure that people from all backgrounds have the opportunity to get jobs within the restaurant trade.

“Chinese and Thai restaurants are typically staffed by people from a Far-Eastern culture, rarely do you see a blond Scandinavian serving the tables, or a ginger-haired Scot in the kitchen,” said Mr. Billingu. “If the campaign to get a more representative workforce is a success for Curry Houses, it can be a success in other areas too.”

The hope is that the restaurants on our high streets will be waited on and cooked for by the same racial mix as the nation they are serving.

“We need to reflect our society, “ affirmed Mr. Billingu. “Recent surveys in the newspapers suggest that restaurants in Kent should actually be staffed with Romanians and Poles!”

However not everyone in the restaurant trade has welcomed the move, some see a danger in diluting the cultural heritage that makes each eatery unique.

“It just isn’t necessary,” said John Bull who owns the ‘Cuore di Roma’, an Italian Restaurant in Basildon. “Most Italian waiters are called Darren and were born in Essex anyway. They just put the accent on to pull the female patrons.”

Drogba, Ronaldo “bad role models”

Premiership stars such as Chelsea’s Didier Drogba and Manchester United’s Cristiano Ronaldo were today condemned as being unsuitable role models for children.

“Premiership footballers are respected by children all over the country and they mimic their behaviour,” said Marjorie Billingsworth, organiser of a toddler’s group in Nottingham. “I think most parents of small children see this on a daily basis.”

Mrs Billingsworth highlighted examples of the behaviour that she said was unsuitable and how it was mimicked by children.

“Take Cristiano Ronaldo. When something happens that he doesn’t like, he falls to the ground and rolls around. Then, if the referee does not appear to be giving him what he wants, he will cry out and display a look of complete anguish and agony. His cries can be heard all around the stadium,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “When he does this on a Saturday, you can bet that in supermarkets up and down the land on Sunday morning, there will be two year olds trying exactly the same antics to get their mums to buy them a Milky Way.”

It was not just the tactics used to get their own way that she believed toddlers were copying from their millionaire idols, it was also the manner in which they gave their attention.

“We have often seen Didier Drogba roll around for several minutes in apparent agony from the look on his face showing the injustice that he has suffered, only to see him jump up and take the free kick he has emotionally blackmailed the referee into giving and to carry on with the game as though nothing has happened,” she said. “This can be seen in shopping centres from Land’s End to John O’Groats as toddlers get that much screamed for toy or sweet and then discard it, completely oblivious to the events of a few moments previously.”

Mrs Billingsworth called on all footballers to think of their impressionable fans in future to try and make themselves into better role models.

“I appeal to them,“ she said. “Considering they are big, strong, grown men with vast wealth, talent and opportunity, they should stop behaving in a manner that a spoilt child would recognise.”

Tories return to Victorian values

The Conservative Party is preparing for a new year annoucement giving details of its Victorian Values based ideology should it win the next General Election.

Centrepiece of the proposals will be the re-introduction of workhouses into the nation's inner cities. "Entrance to this elite employment programme," said Tory leader, David Cameron, "will not just be upon declaring bankruptcy, they will accept recommendations from any loan company currently advertising on ABC1".

"Workhouses are not the only area where Tories will lower regulation and costs for the British employer, " explained Mr Cameron, "and whilst cleaning chimneys is a somewhat dying trade, we believe there is still plenty of discarded coal to be found in the mudflats of our nation's mighty rivers for Primary School children to collect."

On crime the Tories will take their porposals further. "ASBOs will be replaced with a more traditional punishment for anti-social behaviour. So called 'chavs' will be forceably required to retire to a nationwide network of purposely constructed 'Drawing Rooms' to do the honourable thing."
The Conservative Party has yet to disclose their policies towards Health and Defence, although it is widely expected that the money saved by abolishing the National Health Service will be used to fund the inevitable military campaigns that come with reformation of the British Empire.

Whilst there have been recent changes made to Britain's parliamentary system the Tories plan further reforms such as the removal of women's right to vote. "Our proposals will also bring to an end any accusations of cash for peerages." said Mr Cameron, "Peerages will be awarded upon retirement from military service only."

The inner workings of the Conservative Party will be modernised to bring them up to the Victorian age. Leaders will be notified of a challenge from a rival by receiving four white feathers. Indeed Michael Howard, David Cameron's predecessor as Conservative leader, is now a Colour-Seargent in the French Foreign Legion. In a letter home he recently revealed he joined up "To forget my time as a Conservative."

BNP to ban St George

The British National Party today announced a surprise policy to ban the celebration of Saint George's Day in England. It follows a policy review to ensure that the party had not drifted in its struggle for cultural purity.

"The BNP is becoming a more mature party and, as with every party as we become more sophisticated, we need to ensure we don’t drift away from the core principles what made us strong in, like, the first place,” explained BNP policy guru Phil Billingsworth. “We feel we have become a bit liberal in recent years.”

“During the policy review one of our members, who had read a library book, pointed out that Saint George was a Turkish immigrant who came over here and took our job of slaying Dragons.” said Billingsworth at the launch of the “Ban Turkish George” campaign. “As you know stopping all these Turks, Poles and that coming over here is one of our central policies so we realised we had to take action against this corruption of our English culture, starting with Saint George.”

Phil Billingsworth does not just wish to stop at outlawing the celebration of ‘Turkish George’ but eradicating him from English life completely.

“We need to remove the mark of this Turk from the flag of England and thus from the flag of Britain,” he said. ”To do anything else would be to raise the white flag of surrender to multiculturalism.”

Mr Billingsworth said that he wanted the BNP leader, Nick Griffin, to focus more intently on what passes for the party's core policies and principles.

"I am sure Mr Griffin is a true Englishman, which is why he lives in Wales. I expect he is learning the language now to fully integrate into Welsh society," said Mr Billingsworth. "Don't get me wrong, I am not against the BNP, some of my best friends are racists."

Media continues Algarve vigil

As the days pass the 24 hour news media becomes more and more concerned about the plight of their little viewers that have recently been tragically lost, or abducted by less sensational news sources.

Reporters are combing the Algarve, frantically searching for any story or rumour with which they can get a thousand words of speculation or 5 minutes to camera.

“It’s such an appalling tragedy. These poor little viewers are sitting at home knowing exactly what they need to know. “ said Mary Billingsworth of Sky News. “However for us here in Portugal, standing on street corners, we have a soap opera to create and no one, least of all the Portuguese Police are fuelling our speculation.”

Commentators throughout the Algarve are amazed that the local police are not scheduling their searches and investigations around the plight of the British journalists who have been separated from their offices and loved ones with only their expense accounts for company.

“We have a little blonde news ticker that scrolls across our screen. It needs to be looked after and given the care and attention it needs,” explained a tearful Ms Billingsworth. “One can only imagine the horror and frustration being experienced at our parent’s news desk.”

Indeed the frustration is causing many people to search frantically around for any sighting of a retired former British Police Officer in the area, or even just someone with a small child, who might be able to do a few minutes on camera and, if possible, burst into tears.

“We are doing everything we can to raise awareness of our coverage. We have big graphics teams searching out new pictures to grotesquely splash across the screens in the hope of finding some new viewers. We are struggling though with the mindset that the local law enforcement officers are in fact a bunch of incompetent yokels who are new to policing.“

The topic of conversations, by the pools and in the bars of this otherwise quiet holiday resort that has become the centre of media activity, is the same - “When is the next news conference?”. There are desperate scenes as frantic reporters and distraught producers try to eke out five minutes, live on air, about a conversation with a shopper in a supermarket about how little speculation there has been.

World’s highest mobile phone call

A new yardstick (9,672 of them in fact) in the field of communications was achieved when Herbert Billingsworth, 29, made the world’s highest mobile phone call. The call was made possible due to the Chinese government’s installation of a mobile phone mast with line of sight to the top of the Northern Ridge.

“I wasn’t the first at this altitude, that was Rod Baber who was calling the BBC and others," said Hebert “I am a couple of inches taller than him, so my phone was higher and I was able to claim his record about 15 minutes after he finished his call,” explained the proud record holder. “Of course I called my Mum, Elsie.”

A transcript of that historic call follows below:-

Elsie Billingsworth : “Hello?”
Herbert Billingsworth : “Hi Mum, it’s me, Herbie.”
EB : “Oh Herbie! I haven’t heard from you in a while. How are you?”
HB : “OK, Mum. I am on Mount Everest!”
EB : “Have you heard about your Auntie Dot? She is having terrible trouble with her … well you know … her problem.”
HB : “Mum! I am calling from Everest.”
EB : “You know we had the double glazing done a couple of years ago, Herbie, we don’t need anymore. I thought you worked for a bank.”
HB : “No, the mountain, I am on Mount Everest!”
EB : “Now, are you wrapped up warm? You got a scarf? You know that my friend Mrs Gervais caught a nasty chill just nipping up to the shops for her pipe tobacco. Are you eating properly?”
HB : “Yes, mum, I am, this is the highest mobile phone call ever made!”
EB : “I expect it is, price of things today, not like when I was a girl. Do you want me to call you back? If you can wait a bit it's cheaper for me after six.”
HB : “Sorry mum, say again, I didn‘t catch all that, it’s windy.”
EB : “Wednesday? Eeh, that’s amazing, it’s Thursday here!”
HB : “Thirsty, yes I am a bit I suppose. It’s quite a climb.”

At that point the call ended abruptly as Mr Billingsworth’s phone ran out of credit.

Top team debuts first new signing

Today at its Docklands headquarters Barclays, the UK’s third largest bank, debuted its new signing in a mortgage department planning meeting. John Varley, Barclays Chief Executive Officer, had previously presented the Portuguese wonder-kid, Marcel Billingo, to the press in a small ceremony where he handed Billingo his security pass and laptop.

“Barclays has always planned to be a global player and to compete in Europe. The signing of Marcel proves our commitment to getting the best talent into the right positions forging a world class team,” said Mr. Varley.

Billingo, 23, is a rising talent having been signed by Barclays as a graduate of the academy of the London School of Economics. Following a learning year in the lower league of the Nationwide Building Society, the youngster was snapped up on a £580 a week contract.

Billingo made an immediate impression in the planning meeting from the kick-off. “I have always wanted to play in the premier league of finance and for such a great team as Barclays,” he announced as he introduced himself, before kissing the logo on his Barclays tie. He took up a central position next to the tea trolley, a position he said he hopes to be able to compete for and win on a regular basis.

Pundits have speculated that he has the capability to grow into a Middle-Manager enforcer, marking the opposition tightly with granular trend and performance analysis across the entire field. The consensus is that he Excels with a continually high worksheet rate. However, his inexperience showed towards the end of his first full 90 minute meeting amid accusations of time wasting after he took the conversation down to the corner of the “car park whiteboard” in what was clearly not a “solutions meeting”.

His dream start finally ended in acrimony when, after playing a spectacular one-two pivot table feeding directly into open workspace, his figures were challenged by the imposing presence of the Central Risk Manager. Billingo fell to the floor clutching his head which brought derision from the travelling audience.

Married men deflated by Kylie statement

Allotments and pubs all over the UK are filled with married men lamenting the announcement from Kylie Minogue following accusations regarding her relationship with a married friend.

Ms Minogue responded to such accusations with a statement that she has “never been unfaithful to a partner and would find it completely immoral to be involved with a married man.”

“It’s pretty depressing,” said Nick Billingsworth, 41, a bricklayer from Middlesbrough. “I mean you know there is always that fantasy of Kylie, and perhaps Dannii too if it was New Years Eve or something. Now it looks more remote than ever.”

Gill Binsworth of the Women’s Academy of Logic says that studies have shown that Kylie Minogue is found to be so attractive to all sexes and sexual orientations that she is believed to be the only woman that married men can mention openly in the presence of their wives without fear of recrimination.

“Indeed, the prospect of a sexual encounter with Kylie is so remote that most women believe it is out of their husband’s reach entirely,” said Mrs Binsworth. “However if he should get the chance most would admit he should probably go for it.”

Given that a sexual encounter with Kylie is considered to be an event that would always be pardonable, much like slapping Chris Evans. The statement has had a devastating effect on the morale of the nation.

“My Nick hasn’t been the same since Kylie made her statement,” said Fiona Billingsworth. “He has started to accept now that his hair really is thinning and that he is a little too overweight to wear a tight fitting football shirt on match days. It’s almost as though Kylie has taken away the one thing that he was holding onto to retain his youth.”

However it was not all doom and gloom in the Billingsworth household, since as Kylie firmly closed one door with her announcement perhaps she left others ajar.

“Well she didn’t rule out an affair with a married woman, and you know well its Kylie isn’t it,” affirmed Mrs Billingsworth. “The husband has already said it’s not a problem as long as I take the video camera.”

Carling Cup for sale on eBay

The Carling Cup (also known as the League Cup) today appeared on the internet auction site eBay with an asking price of £500m.

The seller, known only as “TheGreatOne” has listed the item as being a part of a collection “that now cannot be realised” and it is described as being in used but excellent condition although some light polishing may be required to remove tear stains.

Those interest in purchasing the Carling Cup should be aware that they will have to arrange to collect the item themselves as postage is not offered with the sale. The item is currently located at a small team in Fulham.

Pundits are puzzled by the move, and are also unsure as to the significance of comments by the Cup’s seller requesting genuine bidders only and that payment would not be accepted in roubles.

Chelsea Football Club, the current Carling Cup holders, would not comment on the eBay listing but denied rumours that they were the buyers who had posted adverts on eBay’s “Want it Now” service for the Premiership and Champion’s League trophies. Both advertisements expired this week.

News Organisations claim “Real life not real enough”

At a conference on the future of newsgathering, keynote speakers warned that the public is becoming increasingly sceptical about real world catastrophes as they become exposed to ever more sophisticated effects in film, television and computer games.

“It is a real challenge for the News Organisations around the world,“ explained Kate Billingsworth from BBC News. “It used to be that even the best Hollywood effects wouldn’t look quite right. But now computer graphics have reached a point were Alien spaceships can crash into Big Ben on your home computer and look much more believable than when the real thing happened a few months ago.”

The conference focussed on major events that have simply gone unnoticed by the public who believe them to be fakes.

“We get our news from TV and the Internet but the news imagery has to compete with other footage shown. So, when Ben Nevis erupted and the lava flow slowly engulfed part of Fort William it just did not engage the public’s imagination,“ continued Ms Billingsworth. “Many we have asked believed it was a trailer for an upcoming disaster movie. The fact that the same 30 second piece of footage is used over and over again just fits in with the pattern of a TV commercial. Perhaps if the lava had been a brighter red, or maybe if it had set fire to more of the highlands and certainly more of Fort William itself, people would have believed the video on the news was as real as it was.”

The problem is compounded by the cross-over between the news and the rest of the media. “News readers appear in movies announcing details of disasters or significant events all the time. They also appear on TV in whimsical celebrity dancing shows, “ she said. “We need to make it easier for the public to tell fiction from reality”.

The conference announced it was to petition the government for the introduction of “This is real life“ signs containing the current date and time to be placed at every site of natural, political, cultural or economic significance. This would enable quick and easy identification of the authenticity of the event in the public’s imagination.

Other events that have been dismissed as hoaxes or attributed to a computer game have been the aborted invasion of Anglesey by the Argentine Navy, the repeated damage wrought to Tokyo by Godzilla and a recent English rugby victory over South Africa.

PM fears fortnightly rubbish collection

Tony Blair today entered into the controversy surrounding proposals to change some of the nation’s rubbish collection to fortnightly arguing in favour of the more traditional weekly collection.

“I am a bit of a traditionalist on this,” said the Prime Minister. “There are many people, like me, who believe that the country is best served by the collection of rubbish each and every week. As many people know I was not so keen on a longstanding tradition in the borough of Westminster for the rubbish to have two smaller collections, twice weekly, on Tuesday and Thursday which was why I moved Prime Minister’s Questions to a single larger collection on Wednesdays.”

The major concerns have been centred on increasingly large amounts of garbage being allowed to fester for greater periods providing opportunities for the infestation of maggots.

“The maggot infestation in Westminster is very real,” commented Mr Blair. “I think there is a great risk that it will give the Tory party time to produce a load of mad policies, frankly, that will wriggle out into the mainstream and provide a rich breading ground for the spread of Conservatism.”


The idea of moving rubbish collections to a fortnightly service has been proposed by several groups in the country as a drive to increase recycling and thus to lead to an improvement in environmental conditions in the long term.

“Well, that is a good and noble idea, but flawed, since it will give the maggots time to develop new ways to attack a defenceless and innocent Prime Minister,” he continued. “We have a good record on recycling of the same messages and themes of always harking back to the previous government’s time in power. In fact I believe that my answers to PMQs have been recycled 17% more, in real terms, than they were in 1979.”

Punter loses thousands on “grate gambling site”

Following the summit on Internet gambling we talked to people who find wagering too much of a temptation. This is the story of one woman who did not wish to be named, Marge Billingsworth.
"It all started one afternoon when I heard about a grate gambling site. It was so easy to get access to, I could play all day without having to travel to a casino or even to my local newsagent for scratch cards.

"I would play for a few hours a day. Initially I was just doing £10 a throw, but then I realised it was more exciting doing £30, then £60 and more. By the end of the week I was completely hooked. I would sit on the kerb and throw the notes towards the drain. Some would flutter harmlessly to the side, others would land across the grate, but as I threw increasingly large bundles of cash into the sky, more and more would fall into the sewer.

"The thing is there were no warnings at all on the grate. No one told me that I could so easily lose thousands of pounds, nor that I would develop a bad case of piles from sitting on the cold pavement.

"There needs to be more regulation to save us from ourselves and from doing things that are, well, obvious to most people. Friends tried to help me – they said that if I talked to someone or took advice from a professional that I would probably be sectioned as frankly if I can’t cope with something as straightforward as gambling then how can I realistically take part in society?

"I was one of the lucky ones, I discovered Internet gambling, now I can sit in the comfort of my own home playing poker without any risk of piles. Other than the piles of debts I am accumulating!"

Call centre workers “indecent”

37 workers have been suspended from an East Kilbride based call centre following allegations that the employees of the ’Phone for IT’ support line indulged in lewd behaviour. The accusations surfaced after videos of several naked call centre agents appeared on the video sharing website, YouTube.

Bill Hargreaves a retired Civil Servant from Manchester said that he had always found ’Phone for IT’ to be helpful and informative.

“Oh yes, it was always good, personal service. Whenever I had a problem getting my laptop to come up I would contact ‘Phone for IT’,“ commented Mr Hargreaves. “The first thing they always wanted to know was if it is a problem with a program or with the computer. The call centre girls were very keen for me to give them that right up front and they were always more interested if I said it was hardware.”

Mr Hargreaves initially expressed surprise upon hearing the allegations, but after some thought he said that it did make some of his conversations a bit clearer.

“Now that I think about it the girls do always say ‘bear with me’ a lot, and she would say that I should hold on a little bit longer and she would be right with me,” he said. “However I had no idea that what she meant was ’Bare with me’. If I had known that I may have called back more often.”

Fred Billingsworth Director of Customer Services at ‘Phone for IT’ has said that they are investigating the circumstances surrounding the appearance of the video on YouTube.

“We take such allegations extremely seriously,“ he said. “You can rest assured that we will get to the bottom of it and that all of our company’s employees will be debriefed as part of a deep and thorough internal probe.”

Liverpool’s ‘08 car sharing scheme

Liverpool is currently alive with developments and programmes to celebrate its selection as the European ‘Capital of Culture 2008‘. Today, the City Council unveiled details of its new car-sharing programme to help residents and visitors alike move around the city in a fast, simple and environmentally responsible manner.

“We have always had probably Europe’s most advanced car sharing scheme,” explained Councillor Kenny Billingsworth. “Previously it was a bit more informal. However now we have produced a detailed guide to not only how the system works but also how to get the best out of it on your visit to the city or to one of our many exhibitions.”

The pamphlet entitled ‘Your car, our ride’ contains many hints, tips and maps to local hospitals and solicitors. Advice on the transport initiative includes :-

• The Car-sharing area is designated by environmentally friendly kerbside markers made of recycled car window chips next to car parking areas
• Whilst most makes and models are available in the scheme, it is best to choose a car that you feel most likely to be able to drive unobtrusively through the city, especially as some of the scheme’s more modern vehicles have sensitive alarms that can cause first time users embarrassment with local law enforcement officers
• Should the car not already be open, use one of our handy ‘Remote Unlock Token’ devices found in a nearby builder’s skip
• It is advisable to wear gloves at all times. There may be broken glass present in the vehicle and the finish of the car is spoiled by fingerprints.
• Upon reaching your destination do not worry about finding another scheme user to pass a car on to. In the event it is not be needed then it will be dismantled and disposed of by an experienced team of motor vehicle recyclers who operate on a citywide basis. The hubcaps will probably be recycled before you come to rest
• Liverpool will be a very busy city during the 2008 Year of Culture, so you may find that accommodation is difficult to find. However please do not be tempted to sleep in your car. Not only will this prevent it from being available to other scheme members but you may suffer frustration if you wake up to find the vehicle has come to the end of its life and is being burnt out.

Red Card at Player of the Year ceremony

The footballing world was thrown into controversy as, for the first time, a player has been sent off from an awards ceremony.

Chelsea‘s Didier Drogba was sensationally shown the red card following an off the stage incident. Both he and fellow nominee Cristiano Ronaldo, of Manchester United, were at last night’s Professional Footballers’ Association ceremony, and were awaiting the announcement of the Footballer of the Year award. Many pundits have said that this year’s selection was too close to call after excellent seasons from both men and their respective clubs which in turn are running one and two in this year’s title chase.

"As the announcement was being made, both players lunged for the trophy from the side of the stage," said an onlooker. "Drogba was closer but suddenly Ronaldo crashed to the floor and rolled onto the stage."

There was pandemonium as fellow players rushed to the Portuguese winger’s aid and at this point apparently both players squared up to each other.

"Ronaldo was shouting and gesturing that Drogba has pulled his dinner jacket," explained the eye-witness. "There may have been a push, it was wasn’t clear but suddenly Drogba fell to the stage clutching his head."

"Both men were committed to winning the trophy in what was a fifty-fifty contest," commented Harry Billingsworth, Football journalist with The Sun. "I think the host was unsighted by a group of photographers. However, to his credit, he went over to the side of the stage and had a long consultation with one of the waiters running the line of service."

Onlookers were shocked as Premier League Chief Executive Richard Scudamore proceeded to issue a red card to the Chelsea striker. Cristiano Ronaldo was awarded the Professional Footballers’ Association Player of the Year trophy after he proceeded to take the microphone and plead his innocence with an embarrassing show of tears and praying gestures whilst looking to the sky like an upset puppy..

Builders snap up designer tools

The last few years have seen an increase in large, well-appointed and sophisticated four-wheel drive pick-up trucks on the nation’s roads. Contrary to perceived wisdom they are not driven by selfish, power crazed and environmentally ignorant middle-class mothers on the school run. Instead it is the country’s builders and onsite engineers, plumbers, painters and decorators bidding to shed their dirty, paint-covered images in favour of a modern designer look.

Indeed, the growth in demand for these sophisticated work vehicles has spawned a growth in designer tools and clothing for the construction industry.

"I used to have a Toyota pickup. It was white and beaten up, had vinyl seats and didn’t really like cold weather. All the lads took the Mickey so I got a Mitsubishi Shogun Elegance," said Gordon Billingsworth, a bricklayer from Chatham. "Of course, now I have to bring two sets of overalls and a change of shoes. I don’t want any dirt on the carpets. And I never park it on site anymore, far too muddy."

This was just the start he says, now Gordon, and several of his workmates can be seen on building sites sporting shiny chrome trowels from Yves Saint Lauren hanging on their ‘Rocha. John Rocha’ leather tool belts.

"I feel much more empowered now," explained Gordon. "More confident as a craftsman. I don’t dress for the other builders, I dress for myself and my own self esteem."

There has always been fierce competition in the building trade, and Gordon says that this is showing in how the men present themselves.

"Oh, definitely. I know I was gutted when one of the lads came to work in a new pair of steel toe capped boots by Jimmy Choo," he said. "If I am honest, that was the reason I spent £800 on the Louis Vuitton Hod."

Archivists discover “Handbook for Women”

Today researchers revealed the discovery of a text that was believed to have been lost to man. It is a rare modern copy of the fabled ‘Handbook for Women’.

"This book is one of the founding texts of our civilisation," explained Dr Bill Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Pantheonic Studies. "It can trace its origin back to the time of Cleopatra and is a text as powerful and complicated as it is controversial. It is no surprise to find the modern version has a ‘for dummies’ edition.

The book, which is given to all girls upon reaching puberty, is said to be the most divisive work of literature in existence. It is a handbook detailing how to behave as a ‘normal‘ human female. Of epic proportions, at some 7665 pages, its discovery may finally provide scholars with insight into behaviour that has long been thought to be completely irrational, if not borderline insane.

"Without doubt, this book has caused more sadness and anger than Chairman Mao’s ’Little Red Book’ or ‘The Origin of the Family, Private Property, and the State’ by Friedrich Engels," commented Billingsworth, emphasising the importance of the research being undertaken.
"Getting hold of this may well be the Rosetta Stone of gender relations. If we can decipher it then ordinary men will at last be able to predict the seeming random effects that their actions have," he said.

Research is, however, proceeding slowly at the Sidcup Centre, a specialist in the study of ancient documents.

"The behavioural science community has been struggling a bit," lamented Dr. Billingsworth. "The version of the text we have discovered is written in reasonably straightforward English, although the sense and meaning of the central themes appears to change with every page. Frankly, it’s rather difficult to understand."

What little progress has been made in getting to grips with the work has revealed sections on behaviour, sex, and money.

"It contains powerful formulae and relational diagrams that we are only just beginning to grasp. The chapter on use of the words of ‘No’ and ‘Maybe’ runs to 238 pages, 43 pages of which are covered by a single flowchart. Still at least it contains pictures. The chapters on Economics are an almost impenetrable mass of conflicting thoughts and theories as to the value of material goods. It makes ‘Das Kapital’ seem accessible. Unlike Marx, however, this ‘Female Handbook’ seems to be devoid of logic and mathematical rigour, pays scant regard to the means of production and instead focuses on acquisition."

It is believed that the bizarre logic around material acquisition can be understood through empirical behavioural observation of the concept of ‘Sales’.



The companion text ‘Being a bloke’ has also been uncovered but was found to be easily understood by both expert and laymen alike. It is distributed in the form of a Beer Mat printed with the bullet points ’Women, Beer, Football, Food’ written in large, friendly letters.

EA announce new Football Tie-in

Today computer game giant Electronic Arts announced that it was discontinuing its line of Champions League tie-in football games, to be replaced with a game focussing on other football tournaments.

"UEFA Champions League 2007 will be the last in the series of our video games following the top levels of the professional game," said Joyce Stitch, Product Director for EA Sports. "However, the avid gamer need not despair as we will be continuing our award winning football games with the launch of ‘Nationwide Conference 2008’".

The gaming community expressed surprise and some dismay at the news. Kallum Smythe (aka ‘Mr Bloggy’) said that initial reaction to the news had been muted. "We are always keen on the latest games, the improved graphics and player features always add to the atmosphere," he said. "But unless something goes horribly wrong with their careers, it looks like we won’t be able to play as our heroes Ronaldo or Ronaldhino, instead it will be Ronnie Bull of Crawley Town FC."

EA Sports was adamant however that what players might lose in top level panache, they would gain from the extra money afforded to game development by the cheaper licensing.

"Players will get the opportunity to not just enjoy the normal fast-paced real-time excitement of controlling the players, but the career mode will be completely overhauled," said Ms Stitch. "It will include a simulation of working on a building site, or other jobs that the part-time players undertake. There will also be improved player dynamics with advanced mud simulation for goalmouth scrambles as well having to be careful about your player‘s stamina if he has a crafty pre-match fag or pint."

Jason Billingsworth, an avid gamer, played a preview of the game on his XBOX 360 and said he had mixed views about the new features. "Well, like, it was OK. Judging the ball in the mud was quite fun, and you know, you got, like, to run into the car park to retrieve the ball if it goes behind the goal at some of the grounds," he said. "But it got a bit dull when my player was pulled off at half-time to go and work on the burger van."

Religious letter “bemoans newcomers”

An ancient letter, said to be well over a thousand years old, has been uncovered in a field in Wiltshire and, say scholars, sheds light onto the early conflicts in the religious history of Britain.

“The text is written by a Druid, sometime around 1500 years ago,” said Bill Billingsworth from the Sidcup Centre for Pantheonic Studies who consulted on the translation into English. “We aren’t exactly sure who the letter is addressed to. It may be to a fellow Druid, it may even be text to be read out. A sort of parish newsletter, if you will.”

The letter describes the conditions that this particular Druid and his fellow Celts are living under as Christianity grows within 4th century England. The new religion with its newly ordained Saints and Bishops is growing rapidly and spreading into the provinces which dominates the main parts of the text as shown in the following excerpts.

“Indeed these followers of the Christ do travel the land. They breed quickly, so much quicker than the Celtic. They bring with them their new and strange customs. They pray long and loudly and encourage others to turn away from the faith of the Land and the Forest.”

The text speaks that the new religion’s followers are not only vocal and evangelistic, but that the tolerance of the native Druids is being abused and this will only dilute of traditional Celtic and Druidic values.

“Must we not speak of our own faiths, our own traditions lest we offend those new? Should we not be able to challenge the customs of the Christians? If they come to Angleland should they not follow our ways? They come, verily over here, building their large church buildings, and calling to prayer each Sunday morn with a cacophony of bells. What is wrong with a quiet gathering at an imposing stone circle? Lo it is not, as they gain power throughout the land.”

“It seems that the Druid, whose we know only as ‘Little John’, also foresees perhaps the end of of the practice of significant Druid festivals.” explained Mt Billingsworth.

“In some parts of the East from where The Sun is born , I hear, they, the Christians, are fefusing our 12 day celebration of the winter festival of Yule, banning it from their schools and their communal dwellings and instead want to celebrate something called Christmas.”

The text ends with the lament as to the future of the druids, Britain and a call to others to take heed.

“Soon if these Christians have their way I won’t be able sacrifice a goat in my own land, this land of ours, this Angleland, verily it is going to hell in a hand cart. It is political correctness gone mad I tell you.”

Refugees flee France

Many hundreds of asylum seekers from all over the world are collecting in and around Calais and the small French town of Sangatte. They have travelled thousand of miles form Asia, the Middle-East and sub-Saharan Africa having each saved up several years wages to pay for their flight from civil war and genocide and each of them has the same aim. They want to get out of France.

“Yes, I escaped from Darfur, from the war and the killing.” said Salva al-Mahdi. “I travelled through Libya, a perilous crossing to Corsica and then finally through France. I cannot stay, it is terrible here.”

His feelings were echoed by many. All of whom dream of escaping the horrors of France and making their way across the Channel to the UK.

“I was tortured for 6 years in a Yemeni jail,” said Abdallah Mujawar. “But it was nothing like this. I dream of escaping France and getting to Britain.”

The French authorities are said to be embarrassed by the situation developing on the Brittany coast as thousands of illegal migrants - men, women and children who own only what they can carry and have suffered the most severe privations imaginable - risk life and limb to get away from French culture and society.

“They risk everything, hiding in lorries, trying to sneak aboard moving trains in the Channel Tunnel,” explained Jean-Claude Facturations-Valeer from the French Interior Ministry. “They just don’t seem to want to stay. We have baguettes, horsemeat, snails and every so often we aren‘t rude. I don‘t understand it.”

“I remember when I last talked to my wife, she is making her way to me here soon,” said a tearful Mr al-Mahdi. “What possessions we had were destroyed in fire. Our little place, it wasn’t much, was ransacked by looters. My daughter had been raped and my brother was killed late at night during a riot.” he said. “I asked her what we could do. She said it was my fault that we had come to Paris in the first place. We must escape.”

David Beckham completes transfer

Today David Beckham completed his long awaited transfer. Even though it has been common knowledge for some time, it was today that he finalised his move from the back pages to end his career in the entertainment and showbiz sections of the newspapers.

"This is something we have been planning for some time," said his wife, Victoria Beckham. "Ever since we married I have been planning a move away from football to a purely showbiz lifestyle."

Friends of the Beckhams say that David had become unhappy with his role as a footballer once it transpired that sending in the odd free-kick from 30 yards was no longer enough to guarantee him a place in ‘Hello!’ magazine or even onto the front pages of the tabloids.

There was a brief ceremony in Wapping as David Beckham signed an exclusive deal with ‘The Sun’ newspaper for the serialisation of the next volume of his autobiography, reputed to be for a seven-figure sum. During the ceremony, Sun football writer Andrew Haigh handed over Mr Beckham’s mobile phone number to ‘Bizarre’ columnist Victoria Newton.

Speaking after the ceremony, David said that transfer to full time celebrity was all part of his move to the American Los Angeles Galaxy Major League Soccer team.

"I have always loved America. I have one of my footballing academies in the heart of the Mecca of celebrity that is L.A." commented the former England Captain.

The midfielder, who won every English trophy and the Champion’s League with Manchester United, was asked if his move to the ‘League One’ level of football at the MLS would stifle his abilities as a midfield playmaker.

"Plays, well I don’t know nothing about plays," he replied. "I was really hoping to go straight into movies."

Burglars “forced me to wear dress”

New Scotland Yard today urged members of the public all over the country to be on the lookout for a gang of criminals that has preyed upon dozens of victims for perhaps decades forcing them into acts of cross-dressing.

"The crimes may have only recently been reported, but our investigations have subsequently revealed a pattern that could stretch back for many years," said Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth. "We are warning prominent people, in business, in the media, or in the public eye in general, to take extra precautions if they are at home alone."

DI Billingsworth outlined how the gang operates and how it has struck up and down the country, from rural estates in Scotland to urban apartments in London and the Home Counties.

"We have now received several reports from men who have been found at home, sometimes bound and gagged, but always dressed in women’s clothing," he explained. "They are often discovered in this state by their wives. Needless to say the victims have not been keen to come forward, which is why the crime has gone on for so long."

Police investigations have discovered that the group most at risk appears to be politicians and especially Conservative Members of Parliament who, in addition to being forced to wear women’s clothing and sometimes underwear, are often forced to watch Gay Porn videos.

"Everyone should be on their guard, since the people perpetrating these heinous acts are some of the most brazen criminals I have ever come across. They often return to the scene of the crime," said Billingsworth. "The wife of one senior member of the Liberal Democrat party tells me that she has come home to find her husband has been victimised 7 times this year alone."

BREAKING NEWS: Taxman probes The Apprentice

The producers of the BBC’s show ‘The Apprentice’ have been contacted by both the Inland Revenue and Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise with regards to the tax positions of the two companies that represent the teams in the show after claims that the contestants keep the profits they make.

"This series has better contestants and better business tasks than ever before," said Sir Alan Sugar. "We aim to have challenges that truly reflect modern business and challenge the contestants."

It s understood that upcoming episodes of the business based reality programme will show the contestants filing details of their Eclipse and Stealth firms with Companies House and filling in their personal and corporate income tax declarations. In an episode to be aired in three weeks time Eclipse are rumoured to have failed the task set by Sir Alan - despite earning the most money - since they had forgotten to submit their VAT returns.

The changes to the programme have been made after the Inland Revenue and became interested in the profits that the teams have been making during the series. Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise is also said to be keen on details of any VAT incurred on services offered, such as gardening or children’s face painting. The various team leaders are also understood to be taking advice as to their position with regards to National Insurance contributions as employers and all are said to be concerned over the implications of the IR35 legislation.

Sir Alan Sugar was unavailable for comment as to how closely this matches his early business experience but the producers of the programme have denied any changes to the famous catchphrase to reflect the complexity of a contestant’s tax situation – such as "You’re mired".

Bank Robbers to be prescribed cash

During his keynote speech at Finsec 07, the conference on financial security, Martin Billingsworth, of Barclays UK Retail Banking, said that the time had come to consider radical ways to prevent crime by following the lead of drug abuse campaigners.

"We need to reduce the motivation for habitual criminals such as Bank Robbers and fraudsters that target the small multi-billion pound organisations," he said. "We need to remove the link between their needs and the crime they commit. If registered armed robbers were prescribed great bundles of cash on the NHS it will lead to less desire to perform bank raids."

Attendees at the conference included not just the retail banking sector, but its interested consumer groups. Tony ‘The Spanner’, who has served a total of 24 years for armed robbery and represented the Essex firms said that the move did not go far enough.

"Well I know that my members would welcome the re-assurance that we can maintain our cash dependencies without the need to break the law. It will be a great comfort," he said. "However I think this needs to be applied to other forms of crime. Burglars should have the right to be prescribed DVD players and laptop computers and as for rapists well perhaps regular session with S&M sex workers should be provided on the NHS."

Barclays was supported by other members at the conference who felt that such an opportunity would not only reduce costs but also open up other business opportunities.

"Our insurance costs would go down if the threat of robbery was removed. Further all the paraphernalia we have to pay for such as safes; bandit screens, alarms, that can all go," said Sir Arthur Nowling, Chief Financial Officer of HSBC. "Of course if the NHS wants big bundles of cash we are quite happy to sell them to it."

Tony ‘The Spanner’ was concerned over the controls in place to prevent abuse of the system by illegal immigrants.

"Well, I read in the Daily Mail that everyone in Eastern Europe is a criminal and they are all coming over here," he said. "The government would need to make sure that they were not able to get the large bundles of cash and that they only went to genuine British, tax avoiding thugs."

Jenson Button “Religion blunts chances”

Friends of Jenson Button today revealed that there might be religious aspects to the British Formula 1 driver’s lack of success in Motor Racing.

"Well, I know Jense well," said James Billingsworth from Frome in Somerset. "Why else would I refer to him as Jense? In his seven years in F1, and in his previous career in the lower formulae, he has never really raced on a Sunday. I think that it is a devout Christian belief."

Friends believe this, rather than any question marks regarding the Englishman’s talent, is the reason for a lack of race wins and championship success.

"Oh certainly he will drive on a Sunday, but he just won’t compete!" claimed Mr Billingsworth, citing the Briton’s performances as evidence. "You never see him overtaking, and he doesn’t defend his position at all well, both of which would mark him out as a racing driver. What he does is drive neatly around, respecting the Sabbath."

Friends point out that Button’s only F1 win came at the 2006 Hungarian Grand Prix in wet conditions that led a lot of other drivers to crash.

"He stayed out of everyone’s way in the race and when Fernando Alonso’s car broke he simply inherited the win," explained James. "I believe he gave the trophy away as otherwise he was worried it would be lead to idolatry".

Button has shown he will compete in Saturday’s qualifying session but seems resolute in not finishing Sunday’s race any further up the field than he starts it. It is also understood that Jenson was becoming increasingly worried that as the performance of his Honda car improved he would be a hindrance to more drivers because of his feelings about the Seventh Day.

"Fortunately this year’s car is terrible," said Billingsworth. "This puts Jenson further back on the starting grid and he need not worry about competing on a Sunday this season."

Britons “pleased to see ex-pats go”

A new study released today claims that most Britons are pleased when ex-pats leave their native land and head to far off countries.

“It appears these ‘wannabe ex-pats’ have been getting on the nerves of other people in Britain so when they announce they are going to leave, most people wish them well and hope it will be soon,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The survey polled thousands of homes from up and down the land with consistent themes recurring throughout.

“Oh yeah, our neighbours used to constantly moan about Britain, the weather, the trains, young people, the television, the traffic,” explained Arthur MacAulay, from Falkirk, who took part in the survey. “Everyday it would be something new that they didn’t like. I was so pleased when they said they were leaving for Paxos, I offered to drive them to the airport.”

Mr MacAulay’s feelings were echoed by Martin Edenbridge from Aynsford in Kent. “The people next door? Oh they showed no interest in making anything better – never contributed to the parish council, never spoke up on planning issues, but just moaned endlessly. Bizarrely they went on and on about the schools, but they didn’t even have any kids,” he said. “Mind you, what can you expect, it took them 43 years to find the airport!”

The research revealed that most ex-pats still obsess about the country they left behind even though they only keep in touch through tabloid media.

“We collated the comments posted on the websites of the major newspapers - as well as the Daily Express and Daily Mail. We also checked the viewer's comments on 24 hour news channels.” said Professor Billingsworth. “Invariably there will be a comment from someone who left a decade ago but is using the current headline as a platform to both justify their decision and rubbish Britain.”

The research found that these constant justifications get wearing for those back home hearing about how a third-world country is actually an undiscovered paradise, an experience shared by Mr MacAulay.

“We got a few phone calls after they left going on about how great it was. Last time he was almost hysterical,” explained Mr MacAulay. “He was raving about how none of the locals spoke English, the only Doctor was at the top of a steep mountain path, they didn’t have running drinking water and the rustic supermarket was hardly open. Of course what really grated was when he patronisingly assumed I would want to join him. ‘Please call for help’ he said!”

Princess Diana found Alive

In a shocking revelation it was today revealed that rather than having been killed in a car crash in the tunnel at the Point D’Alma in Paris, Princess Diana is actually alive and well and running the news desk of a leading tabloid newspaper.

Shiona Winlingsborth, a sixth form student who was taking part in the Daily Express’s work experience programme, made the sensational discovery but at first thought it was too bizarre to be true.

"Well, I just thought it was someone who looked a bit like her, you know. Diana’s died, she was like killed in that car crash, or something," said Miss Winlingsborth. "On my last day I took a photo of the news room and showed it to a few friends and they all recognised her."

Diana, Princess of Wales, confessed that the stories were indeed true and that she had been secretly working in the newsroom and helping to shape the Express’s stories

"When the crash happened, I realised that it was a chance to get out of the limelight," said a tearful, doe-eyed princess, speaking exclusively to the Daily Express. "However after a few months I realised that I just needed that oxygen of publicity again."

Under the pseudonym of Diana Spencer, she said she was able to get a job and pass the checking of not just the personnel procedures but the rigorous investigative analysis of her Express journalist colleagues.

“We just never suspected that Diana, was well Diana,” explained Rhys Billingsworth, Daily Express Chief Researcher . “I guess we have been focussing too much on how MI6, in collaboration with Masonic Vampires, killed her to see the truth as obvious as it was.”

"I was able to subtly plant some stories about myself, not too many, just a few to keep the headlines going. I was careful not to overdo it, " said the Princess. "I think I was only on the front page of the Express 46 times last year."

Diana said that in some ways she was relieved that the truth had come out, but also pleased that she can leave a legacy of higher journalistic standards.

"You know, before the crash, the paper was filled with paparazzi photos, but in my time on the news desk I was able to change that, now they only use ad-hoc photos from freelance photographers."

You can read more about Diana’s amazing story, each and every day in the Daily Express.

French strike over requirement to work

Members of the French union, the Federation Sans Travail, which include tour guides and information kiosk workers from the vast panoply of France’s public buildings and cultural services, today voted for strike action in protest at the requirement that they perform a days work for their pay.

“Our, members, who staff the information desks, or patrol the galleries of some of France’s most famous and historic buildings are fed up having to deal with the public,” explained Gilles Facturations-Valeer of the FST. “Our gallery attendants are not there to simply guide the public. They simply will not stand for it. Chairs are another of our demands.”

“All day, everyday, our members have to ask questions about where this is, how to get to that. It is very tiresome,” he explained. “Constantly having to remind people not to use flash photography – well this is intolerable for an assistant at an art gallery.”

It is feared that the strike action may spread to other areas of the French economy. France’s lorry drivers are already rumoured to have begun stockpiling fire lighters and kerosene at the country’s ports, should the day of the Museum worker’s strike be nice and sunny.

It is not clear if members of the Transport Worker’s union would also be taking part in the strike, since they refused to give a statement to English speaking media.

The curators of the Louvre and the Musee d’Orsay – the two institutions most heavily effected by the walk-out, said that the work to rule and refusal by FST members to provide assistance or information to members of the public would not in anyway effect the traditional image of Parisian helpfulness.

London buses concern over Iran

The escalating crisis between Iran and the United Kingdom over the detention of 15 British service personnel has aroused concern not just throughout the political and military worlds, but also for the Bus planners of London Transport.

“From what we have learned about the crisis, from the media, both countries are in dispute over the position of boats using GPS,” explained Ken Billingsworth, Manager for Bus Logistics Central London. “We use the same system to track our buses, so if it doesn’t work it could be a disaster.”

Transport for London uses GPS to locate its buses for amongst other reasons populating the electronic displays on stops that give the expected time of arrival of the next service. There have long been questions and complaints regarding the displays. Many a commuter has looked down from the sign saying their bus was due to find an empty road extending into distance.

“I mean GPS systems are supposed to be accurate to within a few metres. Yet the dispute is over miles. If they were really that inaccurate, it would be chaos. Those electronic displays could be showing any old rubbish,” explained Mr Billingsworth. “We may as well just scroll through the timetable and not bother tracking the actual buses.”


Splash Nav


In related news Belinda Willis, who famously wrote off a £96k Mercedes in a river following the instructions of her satellite navigation system, said she felt vindicated by the crisis.

“If sailors can get into troubled water following GPS, what hope has a motorist?”

Jim’ll Fix it back after 12 years

Today repeat television specialists UK Gold announced the return to our screens of the show “Jim’ll fix it”, to be called “Jim’ll Fix it : Strikes Again”.

"The programme will be slightly revised," explained Fiona Billingsworth, Head of Programming at UKtv. "It will retain the old format of fulfilling children’s wishes but also explore those wishes from the original series that were not selected for broadcast originally."

The first episode will show Sir Jimmy Saville trying to fix it for a viewer from the final 1994 series of the original BBC production. In the episode Jim will attempt to assist Gordon from Glasgow, who now lives in state housing in London, achieve his life long ambition of becoming Prime Minister.

However TV executives stress that the format will also be updated to include contemporary wishes from today’s children. Included in the first episode we will see how Charles Thompson, 14, from South London gets on with his aim of getting an adult to buy him two Bacardi Breezers for his romantic meal with his 12 year old girlfriend Shauna at the bus stop outside McDonalds.

In episode two we will see young Arctic Monkeys fan David Cameron celebrate his 40th birthday as a roadie at one of their recent gigs - with a special surprise from Snow Patrol! We will also join young Shauna, 12, as she gets to see how an Accident and Emergency department works and the importance of modern medicines, such as Morning After pills.

In future episodes we will see young John Prescott 69. John was born in Prestatyn, but now works occasionally in the urban confines of Hull and London. John has always longed for the open spaces, so Jim fixes it for him to spend a week on a ranch in Texas. We get to experience the thrills as John gets to grips with the work and the language on his “Catley Ranch”.

It is hoped Sir Jimmy Saville will live long enough to conclude filming of all six episodes.