Bank Robbers to be prescribed cash

During his keynote speech at Finsec 07, the conference on financial security, Martin Billingsworth, of Barclays UK Retail Banking, said that the time had come to consider radical ways to prevent crime by following the lead of drug abuse campaigners.

"We need to reduce the motivation for habitual criminals such as Bank Robbers and fraudsters that target the small multi-billion pound organisations," he said. "We need to remove the link between their needs and the crime they commit. If registered armed robbers were prescribed great bundles of cash on the NHS it will lead to less desire to perform bank raids."

Attendees at the conference included not just the retail banking sector, but its interested consumer groups. Tony ‘The Spanner’, who has served a total of 24 years for armed robbery and represented the Essex firms said that the move did not go far enough.

"Well I know that my members would welcome the re-assurance that we can maintain our cash dependencies without the need to break the law. It will be a great comfort," he said. "However I think this needs to be applied to other forms of crime. Burglars should have the right to be prescribed DVD players and laptop computers and as for rapists well perhaps regular session with S&M sex workers should be provided on the NHS."

Barclays was supported by other members at the conference who felt that such an opportunity would not only reduce costs but also open up other business opportunities.

"Our insurance costs would go down if the threat of robbery was removed. Further all the paraphernalia we have to pay for such as safes; bandit screens, alarms, that can all go," said Sir Arthur Nowling, Chief Financial Officer of HSBC. "Of course if the NHS wants big bundles of cash we are quite happy to sell them to it."

Tony ‘The Spanner’ was concerned over the controls in place to prevent abuse of the system by illegal immigrants.

"Well, I read in the Daily Mail that everyone in Eastern Europe is a criminal and they are all coming over here," he said. "The government would need to make sure that they were not able to get the large bundles of cash and that they only went to genuine British, tax avoiding thugs."

Jenson Button “Religion blunts chances”

Friends of Jenson Button today revealed that there might be religious aspects to the British Formula 1 driver’s lack of success in Motor Racing.

"Well, I know Jense well," said James Billingsworth from Frome in Somerset. "Why else would I refer to him as Jense? In his seven years in F1, and in his previous career in the lower formulae, he has never really raced on a Sunday. I think that it is a devout Christian belief."

Friends believe this, rather than any question marks regarding the Englishman’s talent, is the reason for a lack of race wins and championship success.

"Oh certainly he will drive on a Sunday, but he just won’t compete!" claimed Mr Billingsworth, citing the Briton’s performances as evidence. "You never see him overtaking, and he doesn’t defend his position at all well, both of which would mark him out as a racing driver. What he does is drive neatly around, respecting the Sabbath."

Friends point out that Button’s only F1 win came at the 2006 Hungarian Grand Prix in wet conditions that led a lot of other drivers to crash.

"He stayed out of everyone’s way in the race and when Fernando Alonso’s car broke he simply inherited the win," explained James. "I believe he gave the trophy away as otherwise he was worried it would be lead to idolatry".

Button has shown he will compete in Saturday’s qualifying session but seems resolute in not finishing Sunday’s race any further up the field than he starts it. It is also understood that Jenson was becoming increasingly worried that as the performance of his Honda car improved he would be a hindrance to more drivers because of his feelings about the Seventh Day.

"Fortunately this year’s car is terrible," said Billingsworth. "This puts Jenson further back on the starting grid and he need not worry about competing on a Sunday this season."

Britons “pleased to see ex-pats go”

A new study released today claims that most Britons are pleased when ex-pats leave their native land and head to far off countries.

“It appears these ‘wannabe ex-pats’ have been getting on the nerves of other people in Britain so when they announce they are going to leave, most people wish them well and hope it will be soon,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The survey polled thousands of homes from up and down the land with consistent themes recurring throughout.

“Oh yeah, our neighbours used to constantly moan about Britain, the weather, the trains, young people, the television, the traffic,” explained Arthur MacAulay, from Falkirk, who took part in the survey. “Everyday it would be something new that they didn’t like. I was so pleased when they said they were leaving for Paxos, I offered to drive them to the airport.”

Mr MacAulay’s feelings were echoed by Martin Edenbridge from Aynsford in Kent. “The people next door? Oh they showed no interest in making anything better – never contributed to the parish council, never spoke up on planning issues, but just moaned endlessly. Bizarrely they went on and on about the schools, but they didn’t even have any kids,” he said. “Mind you, what can you expect, it took them 43 years to find the airport!”

The research revealed that most ex-pats still obsess about the country they left behind even though they only keep in touch through tabloid media.

“We collated the comments posted on the websites of the major newspapers - as well as the Daily Express and Daily Mail. We also checked the viewer's comments on 24 hour news channels.” said Professor Billingsworth. “Invariably there will be a comment from someone who left a decade ago but is using the current headline as a platform to both justify their decision and rubbish Britain.”

The research found that these constant justifications get wearing for those back home hearing about how a third-world country is actually an undiscovered paradise, an experience shared by Mr MacAulay.

“We got a few phone calls after they left going on about how great it was. Last time he was almost hysterical,” explained Mr MacAulay. “He was raving about how none of the locals spoke English, the only Doctor was at the top of a steep mountain path, they didn’t have running drinking water and the rustic supermarket was hardly open. Of course what really grated was when he patronisingly assumed I would want to join him. ‘Please call for help’ he said!”

Princess Diana found Alive

In a shocking revelation it was today revealed that rather than having been killed in a car crash in the tunnel at the Point D’Alma in Paris, Princess Diana is actually alive and well and running the news desk of a leading tabloid newspaper.

Shiona Winlingsborth, a sixth form student who was taking part in the Daily Express’s work experience programme, made the sensational discovery but at first thought it was too bizarre to be true.

"Well, I just thought it was someone who looked a bit like her, you know. Diana’s died, she was like killed in that car crash, or something," said Miss Winlingsborth. "On my last day I took a photo of the news room and showed it to a few friends and they all recognised her."

Diana, Princess of Wales, confessed that the stories were indeed true and that she had been secretly working in the newsroom and helping to shape the Express’s stories

"When the crash happened, I realised that it was a chance to get out of the limelight," said a tearful, doe-eyed princess, speaking exclusively to the Daily Express. "However after a few months I realised that I just needed that oxygen of publicity again."

Under the pseudonym of Diana Spencer, she said she was able to get a job and pass the checking of not just the personnel procedures but the rigorous investigative analysis of her Express journalist colleagues.

“We just never suspected that Diana, was well Diana,” explained Rhys Billingsworth, Daily Express Chief Researcher . “I guess we have been focussing too much on how MI6, in collaboration with Masonic Vampires, killed her to see the truth as obvious as it was.”

"I was able to subtly plant some stories about myself, not too many, just a few to keep the headlines going. I was careful not to overdo it, " said the Princess. "I think I was only on the front page of the Express 46 times last year."

Diana said that in some ways she was relieved that the truth had come out, but also pleased that she can leave a legacy of higher journalistic standards.

"You know, before the crash, the paper was filled with paparazzi photos, but in my time on the news desk I was able to change that, now they only use ad-hoc photos from freelance photographers."

You can read more about Diana’s amazing story, each and every day in the Daily Express.

French strike over requirement to work

Members of the French union, the Federation Sans Travail, which include tour guides and information kiosk workers from the vast panoply of France’s public buildings and cultural services, today voted for strike action in protest at the requirement that they perform a days work for their pay.

“Our, members, who staff the information desks, or patrol the galleries of some of France’s most famous and historic buildings are fed up having to deal with the public,” explained Gilles Facturations-Valeer of the FST. “Our gallery attendants are not there to simply guide the public. They simply will not stand for it. Chairs are another of our demands.”

“All day, everyday, our members have to ask questions about where this is, how to get to that. It is very tiresome,” he explained. “Constantly having to remind people not to use flash photography – well this is intolerable for an assistant at an art gallery.”

It is feared that the strike action may spread to other areas of the French economy. France’s lorry drivers are already rumoured to have begun stockpiling fire lighters and kerosene at the country’s ports, should the day of the Museum worker’s strike be nice and sunny.

It is not clear if members of the Transport Worker’s union would also be taking part in the strike, since they refused to give a statement to English speaking media.

The curators of the Louvre and the Musee d’Orsay – the two institutions most heavily effected by the walk-out, said that the work to rule and refusal by FST members to provide assistance or information to members of the public would not in anyway effect the traditional image of Parisian helpfulness.

London buses concern over Iran

The escalating crisis between Iran and the United Kingdom over the detention of 15 British service personnel has aroused concern not just throughout the political and military worlds, but also for the Bus planners of London Transport.

“From what we have learned about the crisis, from the media, both countries are in dispute over the position of boats using GPS,” explained Ken Billingsworth, Manager for Bus Logistics Central London. “We use the same system to track our buses, so if it doesn’t work it could be a disaster.”

Transport for London uses GPS to locate its buses for amongst other reasons populating the electronic displays on stops that give the expected time of arrival of the next service. There have long been questions and complaints regarding the displays. Many a commuter has looked down from the sign saying their bus was due to find an empty road extending into distance.

“I mean GPS systems are supposed to be accurate to within a few metres. Yet the dispute is over miles. If they were really that inaccurate, it would be chaos. Those electronic displays could be showing any old rubbish,” explained Mr Billingsworth. “We may as well just scroll through the timetable and not bother tracking the actual buses.”


Splash Nav


In related news Belinda Willis, who famously wrote off a £96k Mercedes in a river following the instructions of her satellite navigation system, said she felt vindicated by the crisis.

“If sailors can get into troubled water following GPS, what hope has a motorist?”

Jim’ll Fix it back after 12 years

Today repeat television specialists UK Gold announced the return to our screens of the show “Jim’ll fix it”, to be called “Jim’ll Fix it : Strikes Again”.

"The programme will be slightly revised," explained Fiona Billingsworth, Head of Programming at UKtv. "It will retain the old format of fulfilling children’s wishes but also explore those wishes from the original series that were not selected for broadcast originally."

The first episode will show Sir Jimmy Saville trying to fix it for a viewer from the final 1994 series of the original BBC production. In the episode Jim will attempt to assist Gordon from Glasgow, who now lives in state housing in London, achieve his life long ambition of becoming Prime Minister.

However TV executives stress that the format will also be updated to include contemporary wishes from today’s children. Included in the first episode we will see how Charles Thompson, 14, from South London gets on with his aim of getting an adult to buy him two Bacardi Breezers for his romantic meal with his 12 year old girlfriend Shauna at the bus stop outside McDonalds.

In episode two we will see young Arctic Monkeys fan David Cameron celebrate his 40th birthday as a roadie at one of their recent gigs - with a special surprise from Snow Patrol! We will also join young Shauna, 12, as she gets to see how an Accident and Emergency department works and the importance of modern medicines, such as Morning After pills.

In future episodes we will see young John Prescott 69. John was born in Prestatyn, but now works occasionally in the urban confines of Hull and London. John has always longed for the open spaces, so Jim fixes it for him to spend a week on a ranch in Texas. We get to experience the thrills as John gets to grips with the work and the language on his “Catley Ranch”.

It is hoped Sir Jimmy Saville will live long enough to conclude filming of all six episodes.

Government plans replacement Emergency services

As summer approaches and the nation’s hopes are filled with an expectation of another hot, glorious summer, the Government is enacting a series of measures to fulfil gaps in the emergency services.

“If we get a really long summer, like the last couple of years, then we can expect an increase in strike action,” said John Billingsworth, Assistant Under Secretary for Contingency Planning within the Home Office. “We are, obviously, especially worried about the Fire Service.”

It is expected that thousands of public sector workers will find reason to strike, or perhaps fall ill, during the good summer months which risks leaving the country dangerously exposed.

“Above all else we want to re-assure the public that we can get everything in hand, as we are sure that will be a relief to all.” commented the Assistant Under Secretary. “For that reason we are turning to the expertise of the stripping community.”

Traditionally the army has stepped in to fill the roles of any striking or overstretched service but, as they themselves are already fully committed overseas, the plan is to use exotic dancers already versed in the roles of Firemen, Nurses and Police Officers.

“Firemen spend most of their time sitting around watching porn or perhaps playing snooker. Therefore we can easily replace them with strippers who already have the uniforms, and look better in them,“ explained Mr. Billingsworth. “Whilst nurses fulfil an important role of care, we feel the substitutes in shorter, low cut, dresses will provide an adequate short term relief.”

Initial research suggests that this summer could see the Police having a more feminine face given the disparity in number between male and female stripping police officer acts.

“This, I am sure, will have many benefits and may lead to an actual reduction in crime. Although if there is a large breakdown in public order we are not sure of the effectiveness of whipped cream in crowd control.”

Much loved comic diagnosed with personality disorder

Friends and relatives were today rallying round comedy star Ricky Gervais after he announced that he was suffering from “Single Personality Disorder”.

“He has suffered, quietly, for years,” said a pal. “He has managed to cover it up by clever renaming of his David Brent character and sometimes by wearing a different jacket.”

Gervais said he had made the announcement to try and help others with the same affliction. SPD is a condition said to inflict most of society, however it is a dangerous condition for a comedic genius such as Gervais.

“Not everyone has been as lucky as me. With the help of a few close friends, and a fawning media. I managed to conceal the awful truth for over 5 years,” the comic said today.

Friends reveal that the strain was starting to tell on Ricky and advised him to make a public statement so that he could then seek help with his condition.

“Ricky is Ricky, a wonderful chap, but exactly what you see on TV is Ricky. There is no hidden dimension to his talent.” said a source close to the award winning star. “He took his past, you know struggling comic, failed pop career with “Seona Dancing” and with some help, distorted it into David Brent.”

Whilst Gervais was overjoyed at the success of The Office the pressure to produce something new would have been too much for even the best comedians, but for Ricky, suffering from SPD it was a nightmare.

“It was a real struggle for him. He renamed David Brent, to Andy Millman, and wrote some stuff about his time as a jobbing actor trying to get his sitcom produced for Extras. He was saved by his new celebrity friends rallying around and hid the truth under the glare of all that celebrity.”

The success of Extras enabled Gervais to move David Brent forward as finally having that sitcom produced and thus into a second series. However the critical panning of the movie “Night at the Museum” in which David Brent is placed as the director of the museum forced Ricky to face up to the truth. “He realised he just couldn’t stretch a pompous, self centred egotist any further and had to do something.”

Friends, family and showbiz colleagues alike are hopeful that Ricky’s therapy will be successful, otherwise the forthcoming 'Extras Special' will have to be based around A-list Hollywood celebrities performing the David Brent dance.

Millwall announce new US investors and another new badge

Millwall Football Club today announced a financial restructuring package and the Shareholders’ approval of the bid from a new group of American investors. The new bid was recommended by the club’s board as being the deal to take the club into the future and back up to the Championship.

"The new investment, from Hanna-Barbera, one of the leading family entertainment groups in the USA, shows not only the bright future that this club has, but also its international reputation. It further strengthens the important role we feel we can play in the local community," said Grant Billingsworth, Financial Director.

Millwall plan to leverage Hanna Barbera’s expertise to soften the image of the club and broaden its appeal from the die-hard fan of the Upper East stand, to a central part of family and community life. The first step will be a new badge, for the 2007/8 season. This marks the second revamp from the original rampaging lion and will feature the famous cartoon character Snagglepuss.

"We hope this will appeal to children and families alike. We are also conscious of the opportunities of the ‘Pink Pound’ and hope to broaden the club’s appeal within the Gay and Lesbian community."

Spy reveals MI6 economy drive

Speaking from an undisclosed location, a British secret agent, has launched a stinging attack on the UK’s mysterious espionage masters. The agent, who revealed himself as “Deux Blow Sven” said that he was frustrated by the new policies which he said were being driven by government budget cuts and environmental concerns.

“Many people think it is all a life of fast cars, yachts, and expensive hotels,” he said. “Those days are long gone and, frankly it is starting to affect the way we operate.”

‘Sven’ revealed that as part of his recent investigations he had been required to travel from London to Frankfurt, to follow the trail of a master-criminal planning on holding the GPS system to ransom.

“Well it was all a bit more stressful than in the past. Previously I would just turn up at the airport smelling of the perfume of last night’s conquest covered in the blood of my last victim,” he reminisced. “This time I had to have an early night because of the need to get the first off-peak Stansted Express, “said an exasperated agent. “Then I found out that my tickets were booked on Ryan Air. I carry a lot of … er … specialised equipment, so this took some sorting out.”

Whilst his suspect had flown into Frankfurt’s main airport, ‘Deux Blow Sven‘, on Ryan Air landed in Frankfurt Hahn airport.

“Yes, that was a problem, my tracking devices that I had planted in his suitcase, only have a range of 50 km, nowhere close enough to a city for a Ryan Air flight,” explained the agent. “Of course having to take the bus into Frankfurt to my Travelodge added another couple of hours.”

‘Deux Blow Sven’ had given up all hope of tracking down the Super-villain until a chance meeting at a cybercafé in the city centre put him back on the trail.

“Yes, we had a laugh about it. Before I killed him!” smiled the British Spy. “It turned out SMERSH has implemented a sophisticated, but bureaucratic, carbon offsetting system and my target was having a nightmare calculating the emissions from his stolen Arianne space rockets.”

Time Travelling tourists relax with a coffee

A recent paper from researchers at the University of Liverpool has provided evidence for the future development of time travel. Controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed the findings after a 5 year study into archival photographs and video evidence.

“We took the position that if time travel was possible then at some point it would be achieved,” he said. “Therefore in the future people must have started coming back in time. Or should I say ’must start coming back in time’. The reason the report took so long to write was getting the tense correct!” he quipped.

“We envisaged that future historians, or even time travelling tourists would be the first to want to see great vents first hand. Not only were we successful we can also solve some long-standing mysteries.” announced the Professor at a news conference at Liverpool’s Adelphi hotel.


“Careful scrutiny of the famous footage taken by Abraham Zapruder of the assassination of President Kennedy shows a large number of people using mobile phones to record the events from the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza.” he said showing a series of still photographs.

“We can also say that there was no second gun-man on the grassy knoll as such a shooting position has now become, in 1963, obscured by a Starbucks coffee shop as shown in other photos taken at the time.”

Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed that the supposed paparazzi chasing Diana, Princess of Wales, through the Pont de l'Alma tunnel were in fact Daily Express photographers after exclusive photos for the newspaper’s 100th anniversary 275 page special report to be published in 2097.



Following Professor Billingsworth’s revelations other researchers have discovered that time travelling tourists of the future visited the Battle of Hastings in 1066. Students of the section of the Bayeux Tapestry depicting King Harold’s death have discovered a pictogram of a Japanese tourist in shorts with a digital camera standing outside Starbucks.


The Starbucks Corporation, whose first shop opened in 1971, refused to comment on any future plans to use time machines to expand their chain of coffee shops into the past once they have a coffee shop in every location in the present.

Animals at risk of unemployment

Animal welfare groups today unveiled a new co-ordinated campaign to highlight the plight of millions of animals.

"These animals are now starting to suffer at the hands of man," explained Maureen Billingsworth of the environmental pressure group ‘Jobs For The Beasts’. "Globalisation’s insatiable growth and consumption is depriving hundreds of species of their means of survival."

The JFTB says that the Miner Bird is now rarely found in Western Europe following the closure of pits in places such as Wales and Northern England. Clown Fish, once popular with children of all ages whether it be in home tanks or parties at public aquaria, have now been cast aside in favour of Polish magicians. Similarly the decline of the Russian navy has led to destitution for most Red Admiral butterflies.

Decades of legislation outlawing cruel practices and blood sports have forced breeds such as the Boxer Dog to ply its trade underground but even those opportunities are being taken by the cheaper competition in the form of Chinese Fighting Dogs.

"The spread of IKEA and the preference for wicker or MDF furniture has thrown millions of Carpenter Ants onto the scrapheap," said Mrs Billingsworth. "Although there does seem to be a growth of opportunities in the middle east for Soldier Ants."

The JFTB said that field researchers had discovered evidence that some animals had been forced to take degrading jobs to survive, although they have not been able to confirm rumours that some Sperm Whales have been working in the porn industry.

The campaign groups want extensive funding to set-up animal security network, providing retraining and support for the members of the animal kingdom that have become disenfranchised. However they are conscious they need to proceed with caution due to the usage of camouflage - the Pilot Fish Support Group collapsed when it was discovered none of them could actually fly a plane.

"It isn’t all bad news," said Mrs Billingsworth. "If we can secure the right level of government funding for these animals we are sure there will be a bright future for Sponges."

UK has World’s first celebrity based economy

Today the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, announced that the UK economy was the first in the developed world to be primarily based upon celebrity culture.

“For two centuries Britain led the way by moving from an agricultural to an Industrial base becoming the ‘workshop of the world’,” he said. ”In the 20th Century we used services to transition from industry to the information age and now, as we embark upon the 21st century, the great pillars of our economy are paparazzi-photo filled newspapers, reality TV shows and of course text voting.”

Mr Brown cited Britain’s pre-eminent position in all areas of the celebrity landscape as evidence of the change in our lifestyles giving examples such as the Daily Express’s fixation with Diana, Princess of Wales, or the Daily Telegraph with Liz Hurley.

“Sir Elton John, for example, was once one of the leading lights of the music industry, but has now become a professional wedding attendee in his desire to fuel the tabloid newspaper industry,” said the chancellor.

“Thanks to the vapid spread of British culture, the world is obsessed with our ability to produce a stream of women who look thin in a hat and whose aim is to get onto the credit card and cock of a Premiership footballer.”

Mr Brown said that the UK although pre-eminent, was facing stiff competition and would have to work hard to be as productive as the USA in terms of ‘rehab dependency’. “The United States has always had a culture of seeking therapy but thankfully the youth of today have Robbie Williams as an excellent role model, easily outclassing the limited offerings from Britney Spears.”

Critics argue that the UK is in fact suffering a reduction, rather than an increase, in celebrity after the export of the Beckhams to Los Angeles and the outsourcing of the winner of Celebrity Big Brother to India.

When asked by reporters at today’s news conference in 11 Downing Street what impact the recent scandal of TV telephone voting would have on the celebrity economy, the chancellor replied “Oh, does anyone remember how to make a car?”

Radio wakens man from coma

Friends and family were once again overjoyed as Chris Billingsworth again regained consciousness from his coma. Chris, now 32, has been in a Persistent Vegetative State following an accident as a child.

Doctors are baffled by Chris’s condition and the regularity with which he regains consciousness, just as the family radio switches on at about 7am each morning. His conscious periods last for about 3 hours or so before he once again drifts off.

“Mostly, it is just weekdays, although quite how he knows is a mystery,” explained his sister, Juliet. “But almost without fail his eyes open and he sits up and starts talking!”

Chris’ family say that conversation can be difficult, since he has been effectively in a coma following an unfortunate swimming incident when he was 13. Doctors say his brain is fully functional, but for reasons unknown chooses to spend most of its time in a completely inactive state.

“When he first woke up, about 5 years ago, it was wonderful of course - just to see him awake.“ said Juliet. “Then we realised that whilst he is a grown man now, he hasn’t learned anything new since he was in short trousers.”

Juliet’s daughter Christine, now 13 herself, has become the link between her uncle and the rest of the family by supplying them with information that only a pubescent child would find interesting.
“Well thanks to his niece, we can keep him engaged by talking about fairly schoolyard type things. Mostly inane conversation, childish innuendo, silly games that sort of thing.” said Juliet.

Juliet said that initially the family found it trying, to balance their own lives and careers with the need to be at his bedside, to provide him with company, conversation and entertainment.

“He can be quite demanding, even more so when he is awake as he really wants to be the centre of a circle of puerile attention . But we managed to kill two birds with one stone once we got him the job presenting the radio breakfast show .”

Lewis Hamilton “I could have won”

New British Formula One sensation Lewis Hamilton, today explained how he could have won his debut Grand Prix at the weekend rather than simply finish in an amazing third place.

Lewis, 22, started Sunday’s Australian Grand Prix from a spectacular fourth place before overtaking his twice World Champion teammate in an opportunistic move at the first corner to move up to second.

The British press have excitedly reported on Hamilton’s achievement in producing one of the finest first race performances in the history of Grand Prix racing which included leading the race for four laps.

Sensationally, Hamilton the first black Formula 1 driver, has now revealed how he should have won his first race.

“I think I had the pace to win,” said the McLaren Mercedes driver, “However every time I came into the pits the scrutineers pulled me over to check the car out costing me time. Each time they pulled me over they asked me ’That’s a nice car son, is it yours?”.

Landmark personal injury settlement launches new service

Personal Injury Direct today revealed details of what they are hailing as a landmark settlement for those who suffer accidents at work.

Dr David Banner, a medical researcher from the United States of America pursued a personal injury claim against his medical institution following an over exposure to Gamma radiation. Dr Banner maintains that the incident would have been avoided had technicians suitably notified researchers that equipment had been upgraded.

The settlement, of £3.57bn, is by far the largest personal injury claim not involving a major tobacco or fast food company. Dr Banner was awarded the sum as compensation for loss of earnings as a medical researcher and for the massive trauma that the event caused in his life.

"Since the incident, I have travelled across the US unable to settle either in any location for any period of time," explained Dr Banner. "My medical condition causes extremely violent mood swings during which I am in fear of my own safety. Whilst I cannot remember any of the events that take place when I have one of these episodes, it costs me a fortune to replace my ruined clothing."

Cory Billingsworthski, of Personal Injury Direct, said that Dr Banner had also earned compensation for the effect that the incident had on his client’s reputation. "Dr Banner has been accused of murder and arson and hunted like a wild animal. The press and paparazzi have hounded him for years. This settlement sends a message that such negligence with atomic radiation will not be tolerated."

The press conference was interrupted when lawyers for the US government served papers on Dr Banner following a tip off from an investigative journalist. The latest writ alleges that Dr Banner is responsible for £2.8bn worth of damage to private and public property as well as a further £757m damage to military equipment.

Undaunted Personal Injury Direct have subsequently announced a new specialist service for anyone that may have been exposed to cosmic rays or bitten by radioactive spiders.

Shoppers’ T-shirt sensation

A new fashion craze is sweeping Britain’s high streets and shopping centres – the “instructional T-shirt”. The shirts feature a range of messages or explanations for shop assistants so that they do not unduly disturb frustrated shoppers. The messages include ‘I do not want your store card’ or ‘No, I don’t have your loyalty card’.

“I have been struggling to keep up with demand,” said Gillian Billingsworth who created the T-shirts. “It seems we have really resonated with the frustrations of consumers.”

“They are great, aren’t they?” said Jeff, from Kent, on a visit to the Bluewater shopping mall. “I keep mine in the car and use it when I go on a long day’s shopping,” he explained. “I had one of the basic, single message, shirts but got another one with several slogans on them. It was also the only one in the range with ‘I do not want an extended warranty’ on the back.”

Shoppers say that it is nice not to have to answer the same irritating question at every till and privately shop assistants are relieved to be able to target their pimping at those more susceptible.



In an ironic twist, Ms Billingsworth was today celebrating a distribution deal with the Tesco supermarket chain. “This is an official deal, “ she explained. “Some of the other big UK retailers have been shipping shirts directly from our suppliers in the Far East. Of course we don’t approve of the grey imports, but all business is good business”.


A spokesman for Sainsbury’s refuted the grey import accusation. “We have them in a range of colours,” he said. “What is more we are also offering triple nectar points on all sizes of the ‘I don’t have a loyalty card’ line.

Apology Climate Crisis

Officials in Whitehall are concerned over the rate of use of apology resources and may in future come to rely on renewable "expressions of regret". The news comes from leaked documents within the civil service saying that soon Britain will have to apologise for events that took place within living memory.

"It is quite a crisis," explained Sir Humphrey Billingsworth a retired official from the Foreign Office. "For decades Britain has led the world in apologising for the actions of our forefathers. However these are not inexhaustible resources and the last 50 years has shown a dramatic increase the use of non-renewable apologies, and with the end of empire, we simply aren’t finding new sources of future international incidents to be sorry for."

The plans being drawn up involve an increase in expressions of regret, which can later be re-cycled into full apologies.

"We need to think of future generations and their needs." said Sir Humphrey. "They deserve the right to have to apologise for events hundreds of years before they were born. If we don’t act now, our descendants will feel no shame at flying their own flag, nor will they be at all guilty about their nation’s history."

However campaigners are outraged at the leaked proposals and are planning a series of protest marches in the capital.

"We should be apologising now for not only everything that this country has ever done, but for everything it is going to do," said a statement on ‘http://ohGodImSoSorry.blogspot.com'. "We need to make sure that we are sorry for the past, but also sorry for the future. It is a message worth repeating and for that we will not apologise. Sorry."

A government spokesperson would not comment on the leaked documents, but said that it was preposterous to believe that it was not planning for the needs of future generations.

"In the last ten years we have been involved in two new wars, and at home thousands of people’s pensions are ruined," she said. "There will be plenty to be sorry for in years to come."

Frustration lands internet user in prison

The trial of Martin Edward Cummins, 45 of today concluded at Norwich Crown Court. Mr Cummins was accused of lewd acts likely to corrupt a minor and was arrested after a police sting operation involving a dozen web sites and forensic investigation of his computer.

"This is a complete miscarriage of justice, " he said in a statement through his solicitor. "I have at no time attempted to corrupt anyone, it was a misunderstanding over usernames and the frustration of creating new ones when registering for web sites."

Mr Cummins defence was that every userid he tried on popular sites was taken. "The normal ones, such as first names, and fun ones like ‘BigMartin’ are always taken." he explained through his solicitor. "However I realised that if I used slightly more risqué words and phrases then those tended to be available. Naturally I tried to tailor my choice so that it matched the website I was registering with."

In court the prosecution stated that Mr Cummins had registered dozens of such aliases including ‘*********sucker’ for a teen book website, ‘UptheArsenal’ on a football related site targeted at teenage girls and ‘I****your******’ in a virtual reality game aimed at under 18s .

"I am deeply sorry that I let my frustration get the better of my judgement in the usernames I picked" concluded Mr Cummins’ statement.

Gerald Billingsworth, QC for the prosecution, informed the court that whilst he could in some ways understand how the accused could have arrived at such a situation over user names, it did not explain the 3 gigabytes of images and video police found on his hard disk.

Mr Cummins was found guilty and sentenced to 12 years imprisonment. He has already lodged an appeal and is hoping to raise funds for his legal costs at http://fuckthejudge.blogspot.com

FA to release range of replica referee kit

The Football Association today unveiled a range of merchandise celebrating the match officials that are part and parcel of the national game. Richard Billingsworth, Head of Marketing for the Premier League, showed off some of the range at the FA headquarters in London’s Soho Square.

"We have a full range of replica kit available," he explained. "Not just the traditional black or yellow shirts but also the highly collectible fuchsia which is held in reserve to ensure that the officials don’t clash with Manchester United’s ever changing away strip."

Other items in the collection are the "Referee Experience", a series of audio CDs featuring verbal abuse from some of the English game’s top stars, such as John Terry and Rio Ferdinand. An international version is also planned with Zinedine Zidane.

"We are also in the process of filming a range of tutorial DVDs focusing on the art of the official," revealed Mr Billingsworth. "They will cover such topics as running backwards, walking to the linesman to pass the blame, pacing out just less than ten yards and collecting the ball at halftime."

Already available, however, is a new range of signed equipment, including flags, whistles as well as the Graham Poll collection of deluxe yellow cards which come in packs of three.
At the expensive end of the new range of merchandise are items such as the Plus10 LED extra time boards which will be part of the new Alex Ferguson range.

Mr Billingsworth said that early interest had been promising from fans and referees alike, but that the FA decided not to produce dry technical manuals. "Familiarity with the rules is not an intrinsic part of the Referee experience." he said. Similarly the planned series ‘Greatest Refereeing moments‘ has been postponed.

Hairdresser helps Britney Spears cure her chronic backache.

Britney Spears has spoken for the first time about her relief at finding a cure for the chronic backache from which she has suffered since 1999 and publicly thanked Esther Tognozzi, the owner of Esther’s Hair Studio in California for her help.

“I have had a look at all my hair being sold on ebay, and I just hadn’t realised I had been carrying about so much!” explained the troubled star. “Without Esther I simply would not have been able to overcome my back problems.”

Britney was responding to the news that there is currently 32 tonnes of her hair being sold on the online auction site. In fact so much hair has been sold that Esther’s salon is expected to realise profits greater than the entire GDP of Ireland.

Geography textbooks are being rewritten, listing Esther’s Hair Studio in Tarzana as having a population of 13 with an economy based upon beauty services and a major export of unwanted hair and dignity. Despite Britney’s hair being in such plentiful supply, the salon has prepared plans to diversify from raw hair to other finished products - such as rugs and mooring ropes for oil tankers.

Other industries are believed to have profited immensely from the hair bonanza. British Airways is said to have made an extra £400,000 under their new single checked in bag rule to carry the hair across the Atlantic.

Ms Spears said that she would be forever grateful to the hair salon and plans to work with them again in future. “Everyone has been such a great help that I have promised to return in a couple of months when my hair grows back, to help fulfil all the orders” said Ms Spears.

In other economic news Forbes magazine’s “Rich List“ was published yesterday and revealed that Esther Tognozzi has now surpassed Ms Spears herself as the 23rd richest woman in the USA.

BBC sound effects record tops album charts

It has been revealed that DJ Ibitsa’s summertime smash album "Mashing it up, ya? (sun06)" was actually a cover version of the BBC Sound Effects Volume 7 LP from 1973. Last year’s breakthrough sensation Ibitsa had received rave reviews for his 14 track anthology of the summer of 2006 being hailed as "the new music sensation of the Ipod generation".

The album produced conflicting reviews within the leading edge music world. Whilst all of the journalists at the vanguard described it as a masterpiece, they were often at odds to as to which track was the apex of Ibitsa’s work.

The opening track, ‘Birdsong’ was hailed as "the dawning of the new post-Robbie mourning of pop". Q hailed ‘Thunder’ as the "foretelling of the post-breakup-post-reunion-post-breakup world we are likely to find once Boyzone reform to topple Take That". ‘Speeding Train IV’ was celebrated by Mojo as an "affirming condemnation of the text-vote created one hit wonder". The final track, ‘Banging‘, was described by NME as "Banging!"

Music journalist Paul Morley said that the album was akin to being "teased and roasted, ghosted and toasted by the fusion of urban beans and the warm silkiness of organic sounds."

DJ Ibitsa, real name Daniel Billingsworth, speaking today as he left his home in the Kensington borough of London, was unrepentant.

"I think I uploaded the wrong MP3. I’d finished laying Mashup down, skipped through a few tracks and then sent it to my label," he explained. "I spotted that I had clicked on the wrong thing a few weeks later. But everyone was saying such nice things about the work and, well you know, the money was nice."

After the ‘mix-up’ was revealed the editorials of most of the nation’s premier music magazines hailed the unrecognized back catalogue of the BBC Radiophonic workshop. Paul Morley was unavailable for comment due to his extensive travel commitments for the ‘World Music’ edition of "Now that’s what I call a music clip show" filming in Soho.

Ibitsa is hopeful that the release of his original album now entitled ‘easyChill’ will be as well received.

"When I got back from my residency in Ayia Napa last summer I found that my mobile phone had been recording on my journey back," he explained. "It gave me the inspiration for a mix of a more futuristic sound. And passenger announcements."

Japanese whalers welcome news of artificial dolphin fins

The news that Fuji the dolphin has received an artificial fin, to replace her own amputated tail, has been welcomed by the Japanese whaling association.

“This is great news, “ commented Kadoma Takase of the Japan Whaling Association. “The news that Fuji is swimming happily and back to her old self thanks to modern technology is a real encouragement to all of us. It proves what we have been saying for years, that we can slice off bits of dolphins and whales as much as we like. Now we can even replace the severed bits and they will be as happy as ever.”

The Japanese fishing and whaling industries have come under increased pressure to end practices such as the annual slaughter at Taiji in southern Japan, where conservationists estimate over 2000 dolphins are killed each year.

“We have proud traditions, such as those in Taiji, but we are a modern organisation and are constantly lobbying for greater scientific study of marine mammals,” said Mr Takase. “This innovation means that we might also be able to save costs. Traditionally our proud history of marine mammal research has involved the use of numerous large ships and expensive harpoons. Now we only need a few smaller nets and a really sharp knife.”

The JWA hopes that they will be able to extend the techniques to not just other parts of dolphins, but also to other animals. “Shark’s fin soup is a prized delicacy and we hope to be able to bring it to more restaurant goers.” said Takasesan.

Japanese consumers were unconvinced that mutilation rather than killing would be a compromise suitable for both the international community and Japan’s proud history of marine study.

“Artificial fins?” queried a patron at a Tokyo restaurant sarcastically. “I am sure they will taste rubbery.”

Channel 4 and Home Office announce sentencing initiative

In response to the recent criticism over sentencing policy and the implication that criminals were being spared custodial sentences because the prisons were too full, today the Home Secretary unveiled a further initiative to provide transparency within sentencing policy.

Speaking from a prototype secure studio within the Home Office, Dr Reid demonstrated the new sentencing plan known as “Time or No Time”.



Like the model for new transparent prison population management, this initiative has been formed as a joint venture between the Home Office and Channel 4 television this time based on the successful “Deal or No Deal” format.

“This is yet another wonderful public private partnership, showing that New Labour can innovate in all areas of society, especially in the area of crime.” explained Dr Reid as he gave a demonstration of the new sentencing procedure (pictured).

“Once the verdict has been given, the criminal will be able to open a series of boxes to determine the sentence they will serve in prison.” explained the Home Secretary. “Periodically the Judge will interrupt play with an offer of an alternative sentence based on a formula drawn up by the Home Office. This really is thinking outside the box!" he added.

The sentencing will range from being set free through ASBO and Community Service to long term imprisonment. Regardless of the crime that player has been convicted of they may be sentenced to time in an open or secure prison. Indeed some car thieves may end up spending time classified as paedophiles.

“I think this once again shows that New Labour has not run out of ideas,” said Dr Reid, as he opened his final box revealing 'Throw Key' for permanent incarceration.

Court sees new evidence in 21/7 bombing trial

Woolwich crown court was today shown new evidence in the trial of the six men accused of planning suicide bombing attacks on the London transport system on 21st July 2005.

The court was shown the al-Qaeda calendar for 2005.

It is a half-yearly calendar as the users would have no need for anything after June.

Tate Modern announces results of accessibility trial

The Tate Modern gallery, on the South Bank of the River Thames in London today announced the results of the first stage of its trial into making art available to the disabled.

“Often art needs to be viewed in lighting or from angles that not everyone can appreciate, “ explained Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, a trustee of the gallery. “We set the artistic community the challenge of making pieces that were as meaningful for disabled visitors as for others.”

The first installation in the trial has been a spiral staircase for the disabled (pictured).

“The results have been marvellous, “ said Sir Marmaduke. “Although admittedly better coming down, than going up.”

Electrifying changes planned for Celebrity Big Brother

Channel 4 has announced the results of an internal review into the controversy surrounding the last series and the effects it has had on the lives of the celebrities. The series is to be revamped with a provisional title of “Celebrity Suicide Watch”.

“There was a record number of complaints from the viewing public and so we need to reflect their need for action as well as the statements from the luvvies involved.” commented a source within Channel 4 who did not wish to be named.

“Since they came out the housemates have been on numerous TV programmes saying that it has ruined their careers and lives,” he explained. “A couple have even considered suicide, so we thought we really needed to use the power of the Big Brother house to turn around such a terrible situation and get the show back to entertainment.”

The source said that the next series of Celebrity Big Brother will therefore abandon evictions from the house, but will instead revert to communal punishment.

“At the end of each vote all the contestants will be strapped into their own electric chair,” explained the source. “The voltage applied to each contestant will be in proportion to the votes they receive from the public. So, if they are all equally annoying to the viewers they will all get a mild tingle and a new hairstyle. Of course if one is really standing out with the public then it will be roast pork on the menu that night.”

Channel 4 denied that such an electrocution system had been in place for this year’s show.

“Cleo Rocos’s hair has always been like that” he said.

The new format will appeal to the visceral nature of reality TV but will also provide the celebrities involved with a reduction in time spent in therapy.

“They all want to go into rehab. It’s like the ASBO of the celebrity world. If you have been in rehab you have really suffered dahling.” commented research scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “So the producers can sell electro-shock therapy as a benefit of being on the show.”

When asked if the likelihood of death would put off the celebrities wishing to take part the Channel 4 source was unconcerned.

“There will always be another 15 z-listers who want once last chance to heat up their tired careers and this really could be their last! They always say you should go out whilst you are still hot.”

Residents complain about influx of immigrants

At the "Local Diversity" conference in Birmingham, residents from small communities all over the UK got together to discuss how immigration is changing the face of Britain.

"It has really changed since I was a child, " commented Andrea Ladbroke, 83. "When I was a young girl Notting Hill was filled with wealthy families. Their large houses full of the comings and goings of old money. The local cafes filled with gossip from the servants."

Notting Hill, like other areas of London, and indeed many of Britain’s communities, has suffered from the influx of outsiders, says Mrs. Ladbroke.

"Well all the houses now are full of American movie stars or Pop Stars from northern towns. It just isn’t the same. They come here buy up all the property and take all the local broadcasting jobs at the BBC. What’s more you can‘t understand a word they say." she added.

It seems those long term residents that remain are dwindling in number and this is causing the traditional character of the area to disappear.

"Well, I feel sorry for the young people, they simply cannot afford a house unless they have had a BAFTA award winning show, or perhaps sold out Knebworth. I just don’t understand how they are going to get onto the property ladder."

Residents were not happy with the way the newcomers were integrating into local traditions.

"We still have the carnival but now it is filled with foreigners coming from places like St Lucia in the Caribbean," Andrea pointed out. "I have nothing against the Caribbean, I find it a wonderful place to winter." she added.

Henry Billingsworth, 76, from Prestbury in Cheshire said his small town had suffered a similar fate to that of Notting Hill, with the influx of residents from Portugal, the USA and Liverpool.

"You can’t cross the street safely, at my age, for fear of meeting your end on the front of a Ferrari or one of them big Mercedes off road cars," he said. "They take all the local’s jobs too. If we hadn’t let that Cristiano Ronaldo into the country then David Beckham might still have a job."

The influx of new culture has led to some improvements in the lives of the locals.

"It would be wrong to say there have been no changes for the better," remarked Mr. Billingsworth. "My small 2 bedroom semi is now worth £2.5 million and I never used to be able to get a Caramel Macchiato at 1 in the morning."

Channel 4 to work with Home Office on prison reform

The Home Secretary, John Reid, today announced that Channel 4 and the Home Office would be forming a new partnership to end the overcrowding and mis-management in the UK’s prisons.

"In a landmark partnership, we will be turning a number of prisons over to be administered by Channel 4 television," announced Dr Reid at a press conference today. "The broadcaster will bring its expertise to the problem of overcrowding in Britain’s prisons."

The Home Secretary explained that the prison numbers would be regulated by a series of phone vote evictions.

"The prisons’ security cameras will be broadcast on a new digital TV channel and we know that the public are very keen to follow the tedium in the daily routines of people kept in close quarters, sharing sleeping and washing facilities," explained the Home Secretary. "So clearly this is a solution that is fit for purpose and the revenue will be useful too," he added.

"We have experience not just of running phone voting," commented Hilary Billingsworth of the Channel 4 board. "We have great experience dealing with incarcerated racists, and further we are used to dealing with con-artists – i.e. those who pretend to be someone they are not," he explained, "Such as the alleged celebrities we have been trotting out for years,"

Dr Reid also paid tribute to other competencies that Channel 4 will be bringing to the joint venture.

"The Big Brother house is already a clear example of ‘what great looks like’ for the rest of the department to focus on. In three weeks, they have had only two men escape. That already puts the Big Brother house as the best performing prison," he said.

Tony "The Spanner", currently midway through his sentence in Wandsworth prison, spoke by video link.

"Normally people in Big Brother moan about each other being fake. In this version viewers will be able to see who is really innocent, rather than just claiming to be," he commented from a prototype prison ‘Diary Room’. "If it goes well for me, I could be in the celebrity version when I re-offend, it would be nice to meet some newspaper editors and pop stars."

Channel 4 denied this was a desperate move to re-invigorate a tired franchise with ever more salacious content and that the replacement of programme sponsors Carphone Warehouse with Imperial Leather soap had been planned for some time.

"We have always maintained that if those involved want to have sexual encounters we are not to intervene. It just might be that with this reality format any such adult entertainment is a touch more, erm, ferocious than they expect."

Scientists hail discovery of new emotion

Scientists have heralded the discovery of a new emotion by a researcher at the Kyle University in Birmingham.

“Following a year long study it has become clear that in addition to the traditional emotions of anger, fear, love and so on, there is very definitely another powerful driver of the human psyche” stated controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The Professor, recently released from a custodial sentence for aggravated assault, explained how he approached his work.

“Due to court-orders preventing me conducting research directly on my assistants, I proceeded to observe my fellow researchers as they conducted their daily tasks on their own projects. It became apparent to me that as their projects developed and they experienced successes and failure, they clearly experienced a new emotion that I have called ‘futilation’.”

The Professor revealed that the new emotion, whilst outwardly similar to existing ones, appears to be specifically found within the scientific research community itself.

“This emotion is best described as experiencing frustration that your best efforts are being expended on a futile exercise,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “This exercise might be one that is being repeatedly described to you as of high importance, but that you realise is at best only ever going to be appreciated by those close to you, and at worst costs you your marriage and wastes your youth. Being futilated is a very destructive state to be in.”

When questioned as to the actual usefulness of this research Professor Billingsworth reacted angrily.

“You see, right now I am experiencing raging futilation, just like when my budget was cut on my research into violence. Shortly before I was convicted.”

Within 24 hours of the announcement of the discovery, a new specialist firm of solicitors was advertising on UK Gold offering help with personal injury claims for anyone futilated at work.

British film-makers call for re-introduction of the death penalty

A petition signed by the great and the good of the British film industry was presented to 10 Downing Street today in the ongoing campaign for the re-instatement of the death penalty. This followed yesterday’s similar move by the screenwriters’ guild petitioning for police to be armed as a matter of course.

Lord Winningsworth, famed director of films such as ‘Electric Death’, ‘The Trial of Dr Jones’ and the controversial ‘Kill Rage’ series spoke outside the famous black door.

“British filmmakers, some of the finest writing and directing talents in the world, are currently hamstrung by the UK’s lack of a death penalty,” he explained. “They are limited in their work because a tense courtroom drama doesn’t work if the denouement is a sentence of ‘twenty years with time off for good behaviour less time served on remand’. I mean where is the drama in that?” he said.

When asked about the inevitability of miscarriages of justices with the finality of a death sentence, Lord Winningsworth said that was part of the consideration.

“Indeed, that too is another rich line of drama. Films exploring the tragic mistakes of the justice system are much loved by writers and actors – they all love those powerful speeches.”

Anne Corman, award winning crime fiction writer, expressed similar sentiments being felt by a large number of novelists and those working in television.

“Police dramas in the UK are never going to be able to compete against those from the US, there is not enough gunplay – rarely can we write a believable shoot-out, no car is ever likely to get its tyres shot out by pursuing Police officers.”

The death penalty is a controversial subject that has divided the nation. It was abolished in 1965 after pressure from the print media, concerned that they can never match the drama of such a live event and therefore moved to try and stem the growth of television news. With the advent of 24 hour news, the broadcast media has backed the writers and filmmakers.

“We can’t always rely on the US and Iraq for such wonderful live drama” said a source at Sky News.

Tomorrow Andrew Stevens of Channel 4 television will be presenting a petition for the jury system to be replaced with a system of text voting.

United States reacts to new European Leader

There were mixed reactions across the United States of America to the news that Michel Platini had been elected as the new President of UEFA. In bars and truck stops across the land the talk was all about the implications for Europe, relations with the US and the future of the Middle East.

"Well its good to see them using their new democratic powers that we gave them," commented Kurt Billingsworthski, a trucker from Ohio. "Having a Frenchman in charge, though, well that just turns them further against us."

Indeed, this was a sentiment echoed by Fox News, which led with "Europe votes for surrender – Frenchman elected as President!" in its evening broadcast. "This is further evidence of a weakness at the heart of Old Europe further turning its back on the United States." added political firebrand commentator Bill O’Reilly.

President Bush said that he welcomed the show of democracy within Europe, but warned "We must continue this fight on all fronts, Europeans must remain steadfast in their desire for freedom."

However whilst the layman was focussed on the news with regards to high level principles and values, others within George W. Bush’s administration seemed to be aware of more of the detail of the electoral issues. Condoleeza Rice commented "From an economic perspective we can work closely with our European partners, although we would hope to free up the regulatory framework around proposals for a salary cap. However the US is steadfast in its belief that reducing the number of qualification places for the Champion’s League can only be balanced by an increase in weaker league representation which would dilute the overall quality of the competition."

Back in his favourite bar, "Old Glory", Kurt felt that as the dust settles, the existing world order would not change substantially.

"Well, you know, internationally, the US team is still the envy of the world, and back home it has the finest, most sophisticated, richest and most entertaining league, " said Kurt. "Heck we now have that Damon Bradman coming from Spain. He will have to be in the prime of his career to compete in the MLS."

Consumer was neither stunned nor amazed

Confused consumer Beth Billingsworth is campaigning for a greater understanding of "normal" people in society.

"I first started to suspect something a couple of months ago when I picked up a mobile phone in the shop and was able to look at its styling and understand its features completely. The product display said it was stunning yet I was in now way deprived of consciousness by looking at the phone. In another shop I looked at a computer, and whilst I thought that the features were very good for a model at its price point I was in no way overwhelmed with either surprise or wonder. In fact if anything I felt quite assured that Moore’s Law was in fact still pertinent some forty years after he proposed it."

Beth was perplexed and felt there must be something wrong with her. "The advertising industry spends millions each year on TV advertising that states quite clearly that not only will we all make an emotional connection with some product or service, but that we will become unable to deal with the intensity of such feeling – hence the usage of superlatives.

"I sought treatment but, although I spent quite a lot of time reading astounding self help books and I attended a couple of seminars by ‘wonderful’ speakers, I was never at any point filled with a sense of awe that would leave me bewildered as to the message that was being delivered," said Beth shaking her head.

Beth has now come to realise that she is in fact, "perfectly normal" and that most advertising is in fact "complete bollocks".

"It is total bunk," announced Beth, "I mean of course some people fall for it but then they are the kind of people who wear clothes with overt logos on them and say ‘like’ every other word. Normal people don’t do any of the above and we are clearly being disenfranchised – we just want nice clear information that enables us to make purchasing decisions."

Lin Wiblongth, partner at leading advertising firm Smith, Smith, Smythe, Schmidt, Smed and Szmyt gave a statement on behalf of the advertising industry. "This fantastic campaign will provide an amazing springboard into the outstanding experiences of normal people. It is a truly stunning revelation that I think all of us in Adland will take on board. My colleagues found it so amazing we only needed three pictures of Margaritas at our last creative meeting. Astounding." She than sat comatose staring out of the window.

Government created religious consensus spawns new peace group

"It is another wonderful achievement for New Labour," claimed Ruth Kelly, Communities Secretary. "We have managed to achieve what many people have thought impossible, a genuine consensus across all faiths. It is an historic milestone"

Ms Kelly was speaking after the Church of England backed the Catholic Church in its desire to continue discrimination against gay people in response to new legislation banning the withholding of services based on sexual orientation.

"Isn't it wonderful? We also know that Muslim groups don't want to have to print leaflets or let facilities to people who are good with colours either."

The gay community, whilst wanting to do all the things heterosexual people do but without having arguments over the position of the toilet seat, announced it had plans to capitalise on this unique position and launch a new role as peace broker throughout the world.

"Essentially, no matter whether they are black, white, Christian, Muslim or Jew - a lot of people seem to have it in for us, " explained Peter Billingsworth of Stonewall. "Not in a good way either."

Gay associations are offering to mediate in domestic and international disputes with a new voluntary group of "Common Enemies". In areas of conflict the new teams will arrive in the area in a fleet of pink Volkswagen camper vans bearing the trademark rainbow flags. They will set up camp bases between the conflicting factions.

The idea is that once the militias have focussed their hate on the newly "out" gay community a longer term dialogue can begin, moving from the starting point of spite filled scripture and aiming towards true reconciliation. One of the first areas to be offered the new "Common Enemies" service is the middle east - a flashpoint of Muslim, Jewish and Christian hatred.

"We think we can unite these communities pretty quickly," said a volunteer who wished to remain nameless. "It will probably take only one Gay Pride march. We hope we don't have to resort to using local costumes with the arse cut out, but we hold that in reserve if we have to."

Government moves to ban catchphrase humour

Yesterday, in the House of Commons, Tony Blair announced proposals for government legislation to ban catchphrase humour, a “blight”, he said, “on creative writing and humorous thinking that has plagued British society for too long”.

“It is time now to bring to a close the seemingly endless round of two dimensional characters filling our screens with yet another way of saying the same tired old message. This is a national problem, not a local one for local people, and government must intervene.”

The debate in the commons reached fever pitch as the opposition benches clamoured to take New Labour to task.

“British comedy is the envy of the world, and generates loadsamoney for the economy,” said Conservative leader, David Cameron, “Yet, we have known for some time that such an institution is not safe from this politically correct government, we knew that you just wouldn’t let it lie, would you?”

“Yes, but, no, but you shouldn’t listen to that George Osborne,” retorted the Prime Minister. “His figures don’t add up at all. You know, being PM is the hardest game in the world, it is. I been PM for ten years, man and boy.”

Sir Menzies Campbell attacked the lack of opportunity for the public to voice their concerns over the proposed changes to comedy. “You don’t want to do it like that,” he said, “ you want to do it like this: form a select committee to hear testimony from members of the public and distil policy out of informed focus groups with proper overseas fact-finding.”

The Labour party itself is showing a united front. When challenged on Newsnight as to which of Mr Blair’s policies he would be proud to take through as the future Prime Minister, Gordon Brown said he wanted “that one”. When pressed by Jeremy Paxman that such comedy provided reassuring predictability and comfort to those in society less confident as to be able to discern humour in a social situation, Mr Brown reiterated, “I want that one.”

Sources have revealed that a constitutional crisis was averted by the Queen, indignant that this should be introduced into an already busy Parliamentary session. ”How very dare you!” she exclaimed. “One is having a fag!”

Museum of the Double Entendre to close

The nation’s only museum dedicated to ribaldry has announced that it would be closing at the end of the month.

“Attendance figures have become flaccid in the last few years, I guess British humour has just changed,” commented Herbert Billingsworth, the museum’s founder. “We tried to follow society, but in the end we just couldn’t keep it up.”

The Museum of the Double Entendre was opened in Bristol in the late 60s and has dedicated itself to documenting and preserving Britain’s rich history of ‘seaside humour’.

“We have a wonderful collection of postcards, and of course we have the Benny Hill wing which is popular with American tourists,” explained Billingsworth.

“We first had the idea for the museum in the mid sixties. Originally we had hoped for two museums with one for stage and screen and the other for printed materials. We got into position in ’69 and opened up pretty quickly. The initial few years gave us great hope to construct a purpose built facility forming the pair of Bristol’s leading entertainment venue.”

The museum prospered for its first ten years or so. However the second building was never built, as British humour moved away from the saucy ‘Carry On’ movies and into the ‘Alternative’ movement of the 80s. The last major acquisition was original artwork from Viz, before the money dried up.

“We had to shelve our plans for the second building. It was going to be a magnificent erection. We always had problems with queuing and we designed the new building with two entrances, you could enter from either the front or the back but we made sure you would get the same satisfaction whichever way you came.”

The exhibits from the greats of British humour such as Tommy Cooper, Morecombe and Wise, the Two Ronnies and Jimmy Carr’s agent - to name but a few - are now up for sale.

“We do hope buyers come forward, we have some great assets that I know collectors would love to get their hands on,” implored Herbet. ”We have Barbara Windsor’s heart bikini from ‘Carry on Doctor’, for example. It is a national treasure, and it would be a shame to have to take it up the back passage - to the charity shop.”

Mr Billingsworth said that one of the saddest things is that future generations of comedy writers would not have such a comprehensive collection to study from.

“I myself had always hoped to move into comedy, and I wanted to learn from the masters, hence the museum,” smirked Billingsworth. “Still I will always be thankful for the mammaries.”

Maths teaching to be made more practical

Following on from recent developments in language teaching based around the use of smuggled cigarettes, the Department of Education is now taking a similar approach to the area of mathematics.

“For too long Maths has had trouble engaging with youth” complained Jane Billingsworth, government spokeperson on Youth Culture. “In classrooms all around this great land we hear the wail of ‘But sir, when am I ever going to use that’. Whether it be trigonometry, fractions, long division, it always seems to unrelated to their lives”, she continued, speaking in between runs on the half-pipe at Stockwell Skatepark.

“What we propose is to revolutionise teaching in Maths. Fraction teaching will be based around how to work out how much a quarter of hash for yourself and an eighth of Jamaican black for your mum will cost. Number theory will be taught with the conventional number line but the milestones will be “number of months until baby born, council house application” and so on. Estimation will be taught based on scratch card and cider purchases and the number of days until giro day.

Ms Billingsworth explained, after her third and successful attempt to complete a frontside 360, that if the changes to Mathematics are as successful as expected this approach will be extended to other subjects.

“Physics will still focus on the Newtonian laws of motion, friction and so on, but with practical application to avoiding the Filth, the best cars to nick and their associated physical driving characteristics.”

However the changes are expected to only see improvement in academic performance.

“Hopefully this will engage young people. But we don’t expect miracles, teenage boys will continue to dress as though they are wearing their pyjamas and girls will continue to smell like Cuban ashtrays.

Man awakens from long period of hypnosis

Mark Billingsworth, 38, an IT manager for a large financial institution, explained how he had been awoken from what appeared to be an extended period of hypnosis.

“I am still in a bit of a daze really. “ he explained “It was only yesterday morning that I came out from under the influence.”

Mr. Billingsworth said that he was not sure how long he had been hypnotized for but believed it may have been as a long as several years.

“The last thing I remember I was in my early twenties. I was young, slim, had a full head of hair and used to love touring on my motorbike.” He reminisced. “I remember playing the guitar in a band, we were pretty good I think. We could have got somewhere, although I remember considering being a writer more than a performer.”

It appears that after undergoing hypnosis Mr. Billingsworth traded his motorbike in for a people carrier, and spent his subsequent weekends not at music festivals or bike rallies but at B&Q and Ikea.

“When I wasn’t on my bike, or with the band, I remember being quite sporty. I used to hate golf and love football. Now it appears I am a member of the local golf club and its social society!”

The changes in his hobbies appear to have been even more wide-ranging.

“I can’t play the guitar very well anymore. I don’t think I have been to a drunken after-show party in years. I am now an IT project manager following a structured development methodology, not changing the world through subversive writing.”

Mark also explained how he came out of his seemingly decades long trance.

“Well it was yesterday morning. I was startled out of the trance when my two year old son threw his breakfast into my face and my apparent hypnotist asked me why I hadn’t put the shelves up in the study.”

Man hospitalised attempting to complete a year in a month

Jason Billingsworth, 26, was today reliving his last few days for the press after being discharged from Barking Hospital. “Well you know, we all live a fast paced lifestyle these days,” said the unemployed van driver from Dagenham. “I had read all these facts in the newspaper, like, about how much we eat and drink in a year. Well you know I thought that must take a lot of time.”

Mr Billingsworth explained that he decided to free up as much time as possible later on in the year by consuming his total amount of food and drink in the month of January.

“Think of the time I’m gonna save not shopping, eating or crapping. It was a blinding idea.” he explained. “I was even more clever than that too. I read that a packet of crisps a day was a equivalent to five litres of cooking fat. Well I like my crisps, but I know I can drink quicker than I can eat. So I got myself 5 litres of cooking fat and polished that right off.”

Mr Billingsworth explained further ingenuity. “The 45 portions of chips was a challenge. Its two meals a day that. But I had lots of chip butties which put a massive dent in the amount of bread I have to eat.”

“Of course I was really looking forward to all the beer,” said Jason, whilst smoking 3 cigarettes at once. “100 litres in a month! Marvelllous! I am not sure how much I got through, because I passed out an ended up in the hospital. It must have been a fair amount mind, as I was in their toilet for four hours pissing rusty water out me arse.”

Mr Billingsworth is undaunted by the trip to A&E, as he said that was on his list anyway.

“I have to get off home now, as the pizza boy should be arriving soon with the low-loader.”

Price of Euro notes rising

Following a spate of revelations regarding the contamination of Euro notes with cocaine, the street price of the notes is now rising above face value.

The most prized notes are those from the Republic of Ireland, where a recent study found that 100% of the notes have traces of cocaine. However also prized are Spanish notes, as they are almost certain to contain the class A drug.

Patrick McHugh of the Central Bank of Ireland raised concerns over the money supply. “It is a double whammy, to be sure. Notes are being taken out of circulation by people trying to get their hands on the cocaine, this is putting a huge pressure on the amount of coinage in circulation. That is what is really getting up my nose.”

Garda Inspector Bill O’Reilly said that the effect on street life in Dublin was immediately noticeable. “Its pretty amazing watching people trading in the streets,” he said. “They are bartering way above market rates to get their hands on the notes. It just isn‘t normal to see people wandering the streets of Dublin with a pig under each arm. Normally the left one is empty.”

Fifty Euro notes seem the most prized as they contain the most cocaine. Currently they are have a value of €67each on the streets of Dublin.

Madrid Police say that their experience is similar to that of their Irish counterparts, only slightly less frenetic due to the lottery aspect of the clean 6% of notes. Spanish issued fifty Euro notes are currently trading on the street at €54.

“At some point the price going to be reflected in the markets when the big international money men get in on the act.“ explained Mr McHugh. “That is when we are really going to go high”

Controversy over leaked footage of the Iraqi version of “The Apprentice”

There has been continued outrage in the media regarding footage from what is believed to be the Iraqi version of “The Apprentice” that has been posted onto several websites in the middle east.

Internet blogs reveal that the format has changed to make it more relevant to the Iraqi viewer. So now, instead of competing to be a salaried lapdog of a 1980s entrepreneur who now concentrates on media exposure, the Iraqi version has contestants competing in a series of trials to determine their future role in the reconstructed war zone.

The leaked video footage shows the result of one of these trials in which the contestant remonstrates with the series judge in an executive courtroom. Controversy, however, surrounds the manner in which one contestant, known in media circles only as “Saddam” left the series and the unsubtle way that the celebrated catchphrase of “You’re fired!” has been replaced with “You’re dropped!” and is even acted out in the final scene.

“The Iraqis have taken this franchise and distorted it too far from its roots, “ complained Sir Alan Billingsworth, a former governor of the BBC. “What they have in Iraq is nothing like what we have in the west and what we tried to give them. I believe there was talk of sticking with ‘You’re fired!’ but the producers refused to act that one out. Mind you, I hear that a local Baghdad channel has a lower budget version where they have ’You’re axed!’ as the catchphrase. That really is extreme TV.”

Channel 4 said that they always keep a close eye on developments within the reality TV format but denied that recent construction work on the Celebrity Big Brother house is related to the leaked video. In contrast a source close to the production company Endemol said “Well our version has got a bit absurd, and maybe a ‘below stairs revolution’ could be a way to finally kill off Jade Goody”.

Dossier reveals world leaders’ real concerns about Global Warming

A leaked dossier has revealed the concerns of the secretive Bilderberg group regarding the impact of Global Warming on western governments.

Minutes of last year’s meeting of the group, a 50 year private enclave of some of the most powerful political and economic decision makers, revealed that they are fearful of revolution and turmoil due to the lengthened summers and reduced rainfall in many countries.
Denis Billingsworth, a retired journalist who has studied the Bilderberg Group has had access to the document.

“Its pretty simple logic, really,” explained Denis. “The Group is concerned that historically revolution and riots against the establishment have all taken place in good weather. People don’t like to go out in the rain. So, if the Earth warms up and the summers get longer and hotter, if there is less rain, then there will be more revolution.”

Mr Billingsworth pointed to history to illustrate the Bilderberg Group’s concern, highlighting the major revolutions and when they happened.

“The French stormed the Bastille on 14th July, right in the heart of summer. The American’s declared independence on 4th July. The Bolshevik’s made sure their revolution was finished in October, before the weather turned nasty in Russia.”

Mr Billingsworth has also looked back at Britain’s own recent history for more evidence to back up the Bilderberg Group’s concerns.

“Look at recent riots in the UK: Brixton flared up in April; Toxteth rioted in July and it was a lovely sunny day in London when the poll tax protestors kicked off at the end of March,” he pointed out. “People don’t revolt if they have to take an umbrella with them.”

Many now believe that the increased environmental awareness of politicians comes directly out of the thinking of this influential group. “They are worried now. They don’t really care about the polar bears or the frogs in the Amazon. They look at Iraq or anywhere in the middle-east for that matter, and they see Washington, Paris or Norwich in a couple of decades time,” said Billingsworth. “It’s always sunny and warm and not a day goes by without a Molotov Cocktail being hurled. That simply would not be the case if the insurgents lived in Aberystwyth.”

Escaped agent reveals Polonium clue

A mysterious man in his late seventies was revealed today as a significant clue in the investigation into the poisoning of ex-Russian agent Alexander Litvinenko.

The man wearing a dishevelled jacket in a naval styling was found near his Lotus 7 motor car after it ran out of petrol. He would not give his name and claimed to Police to have escaped from a mysterious village.

“He was pretty incoherent most of the time. Mainly ranting about being a man, not a number,” said Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth. “We found him yesterday, he had been circulating Parliament Square until his car ran out of petrol. He claimed he was being chased by a Rover -although his description of a spherical vehicle did not match any model we know of.”

Police did not take the man seriously initially, until he explained that he was formerly a British secret agent who had resigned his post for reasons he would not reveal.

“Well naturally that sparked our interest. I mean, we all like a good spy story down the yard. When we told him the date he revealed he had been imprisoned in this mysterious village for forty years. During that time he claimed to have been drugged at least two dozen times through a variety of means. Looking at his frail body, and the fact that he had lost all his hair, we noticed immediately the resemblance to Mr Litvinenko‘s condition.”

D.I. Billingsworth revealed that the mysterious old man became abusive when being questioned. “He wouldn’t give us much information and as we asked more he got a bit nasty, claiming we were all talking ‘Number Twos‘. ”

The authorities revealed that they found traces of polonium-210 on the man’s clothing and are awaiting the results of blood tests. Police task forces are now concentrating their searches on North Wales following the man’s description of the place of his captivity.

“His descriptions match those of the Italianate village of Portmeirion, although he was a bit incredulous when we suggested it to him,” explained D.I Billingsworth. “We are undeterred even though he said that it couldn’t be in Wales as the Village had running water and electricity and the inhabitants could read a newspaper.“

Britain's only losing gambler dies

Bookmaker's in Britain were today in mourning after the announcement of the death of Henry Billingsworth. Mr Billingsworth died yesterday at the age of 94 as the man with the reputation of being an amiable loser.

"It is a black day," said Arthur, a regular at Connolly's Turf Accountants in Formby, Merseyside. "He was a chipper chap, was Henry, everyone liked him."

Henry was known as a character in his local, the Red Lion. As beers were downed and the stories of the day's gambling exploits unfolded, it was indeed the case. No one seemed to have come out a loser.

"Aye, I did OK in the bookie's today. Held my own," said Arthur who was a bit flushed having run into the pub. "Guys, can anyone lend me a couple of quid, That roulette machine next door is bound to pay out soon."

"Up and down, up and down. Came out OK" added another, avoiding Arthur's gaze.

"Doing alright. I had a ten-to-one winner three weeks ago.Won £50 I did." said Mike rummaging through his change at the bar to buy his final pint of the day.

"I had a good day, ended a little bit ahead" said Jim, another regular. "I remember Henry. Quite often he would say that he had lost. Sometimes he had ended the day ahead, but quite often he was down."

"Of course I am a bit worried, not a good start to 2007" said David Connolly, the local independant bookmaker, buying a round of drinks at the bar from a bundle of £50 notes. "Henry was a really nice, honest chap and if he was losing some money, he would tell you. If you ask any of my regular punters, they rarely lose and none of them are ever down on the day. I wish i had their luck. Maybe then I could afford a bigger Villa in Spain than the one I currently have and my Jag is getting on for two years old now."