Trump vs Salt Bae

 

The most transparent Presidency the USA has ever seen

Today it was announced that the USA was enjoying the most transparent presidency in its history.  All issues are handled openly and without fear or favour.

"My Presidency has been one of complete transparency, like no one can believe," said President Donald Trump.  "Like my tax returns, there is nothing for you to see in the inner workings of my administration."

President Trump was particularly pleased with the fact that there was nothing for anyone to see in the Jeffrey Epstein archives, not on video, or photographs.  Not even observation logs.

"I really can't find anything that you could see," said Donald Trump who has openly appeared on the Epstein flight logs. "I was a dear friend of Epstein for decades.  I lived openly near him and Ghislaine Maxwell in both Palm Beach and in New York.  I have only best wishes for her"

The current President of the USA's transparency is not just a new trend, he very much practised it in his first term.  Back then he was completely clear about choosing Alex Acosta as his Labor Secretary who had openly negotiated Epstein's immunity from federal prosecution.

Trump has also openly employed Howard Lutnick as his commerce secretary.  Lutnick bought a property from Epstein and lived next door to the sex offender, also in New York.

"It's absolutely transparent my dealings with Epstein, Maxwell and Lutnick," said Trump.  "And I have been transparent in telling you that the Epstein files that I campaigned on releasing simply cannot be seen."

It takes too much work to compile a list of Epstein's clients.

The Supposed "client list" of convinced sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was declared non-existent by the Department of Justice of the USA.  

"After the reviewing a big stack of documents I did not find a handwritten note from Epstein" said Attorney General Pamela Billingsworth.  "No sireee, I've read several pages of those documents, so many pages you would not believe, and I have not found anything to publish."

The list of supposed clients of Epstein, for whom it is assumed that he procured young women, has long been rumoured to exist snice it is further rumoured that a great source of his wealth and influence came from his ability to blackmail those for whom he had provided such services.

However the Department Of Justice has now said that after reviewing thousands of hours of CCTV it has come to the conclusion that over 1,000 women and girls were harmed by Epstein alone and that Ghislaine Maxwell was procuring them solely for her boyfriends own needs.  

"Certainly it looks that way from the hour I have put into reading all them big old documents full of all them long words.  I'm here for the drama and the glory, not reading!", said Billingsworth.  "But you rest assured if I should come across a list of names, of powerful, influential figures that have been involved in such shameful acts I reserve the right to release that list all the way from A to S." 

Now is never the time for gun control politics

Politicians all over the USA have revealed their scheduled tweets in time for the next mass shooting at a school or religious service.

"I think it's important for the people of the USA to know that we have planned ahead and are ready to get straight onto social media," said Bret Billingsworth III (R)). "The people of whichever great state the next shooting will take place in deserve this level of care."

Important tweets that are planned and  ready to go include:-

"Our thoughts and prayers go out to the residents of -insertPlaceName- at this difficult time.  We know that the people of -insertPlaceName- are tough, resilient and have always come together to support others from -insertPlaceName.-  God Bless -insertPlaceName-".

"We are horrified and heartbroken to learn of the significant loss of life in the shooting in -insertPlaeName - Now is not the time for discussions about gun-control not when people are concerned and the incident is fresh in people's minds"

Great care has also been taken to deal with the issues of ethnicity and integration in areas in which such a shooting might lead to division.

If the shooter's ethnicity is of white, European descent:-

"We should not release the name of the shooter as that gives the oxygen of publicity they craved in life.  But we should ensure that we are focussed on issues of mental health in -insertPlaceName-"

If the shooter is of another ethnic origin:-

"We need everyone to know who these people are and what a risk to our society uncontrolled immigration is on a daily basis. They are coming from grandma next."

"Also, we are pushing through an important bill with regards to issues of gun violence, " explained Billingswoth III.  "The Federal government will make a fund of $100bn available so that politicians of all stripes can suitably staff their social media teams at such a difficult time."

Jeremy Corbyn to launch new "Contrary Party", Nigel Farage interested in pact

Jeremy Corbyn has hinted that he may launch a new party, the "Contrary Party" as an alternative to being responsible for policy.

"I got scared a few years ago when a group of right-wing commentators convinced a load of students to support me as leader of the Labour Party," he said from the memorial service for some 'freedom fighter' somewhere.  "It looked like I might have to be in government and actually put into practice all these principles that I have so proudly and proudly controversially held."

Corbyn, no doubt holding a wreath and condemning something that Britain did, was thought to have done, or perhaps might well do in the future, was speaking on a bourgeois, capitalist TV programme barely fit to carry his contrarian views.

"There is an independent group of MPs who absolutely want to criticise everything without there being any risk of them having to come up with a policy to correct the massive, genuine, historic and ideologic injustice which we have no doubt is at the heart of your question, "he said. "What was it again?".

The new party will be based on 40 years of steadfast refusal to support any government or party, even one he was leading.  

Upon hearing the news an excited Nigel Farage was understood to be making overtures of a coalition.

"Arguing against everything everyone else has done, and putting forward policies that I will never have to carry through myself has been my entire political career," said Farage during a press conference to complain about being not being able to get his message across. "I look forward to working with Mr Corbyn for at least a few months until we fall out over who gets top billing on the posters."