As further allegations, smears, slurs, lies, truths, and lies about truths spread rapidly around the world in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal, the nation is struggling to come to terms with the fact that its suspicions that many of the people involved are actually quite awful has been confirmed. The latest allegations centre on scurrilous suspicions that Piers Morgan may at one time have actually been a newspaper editor.
“I’d always thought that Piers Morgan, you know him off the song contest show, was a bit awful. Turns out he actually is,” said normal person Gerald Billingsworth. “But he might not know that he hacked a mobile phone, after all he was adamant that obviously staged photos were real images of torture.”
Mr Billingsworth was referring to Piers Morgan’s awful tenure at the Daily Mirror. In 2004 he made concerted efforts to fuel hatred of British forces in Iraq by insisting that the spotlessly clean trucks and T-shirts in the scenes were not obvious indicators that photos of a supposed 8-hour torture session were in fact faked.
“When you think about it, it wasn’t even a year later those nutters bombed London, citing Britain’s role in Iraq,” said Billingsworth. “That’s pretty awful isn’t it? Mind you we might have to make allowances for him being the ‘horny chimp’ type viewing the photos using Internet Explorer.”
Rebekah Brooks is another figure that Britain has spent years feeling uneasy about but now can take some comfort that the queasiness felt at the mention of her name was with foundation.
“Well it is good to have confirmation of her awfulness,” said Billingsworth. “Now we just wait to see if she’s a truly awful person with no morals, or just truly awful at being a newspaper editor.”
However, the phone hacking allegations haven’t been to the detriment of everyone’s reputation, as many people proved to be awful can now add victim to their Facebook statuses.
“Heather Mills, we had a whole court case where it was established beyond doubt that she is absolutely awful,” said Billingsworth. “Yet now, because of Morgan she comes out of this with her reputation enhanced. That’s pretty awful too.”
In other news, Britain is awaiting to see if the writing on the wall is actually predictive text that Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre is a “Dualing Aunt”.
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