Thursday, December 30, 2010

Police To Unveil Special Dog Walking Constables Branch Of Missing Person’s Bureau

The police forces of England and Wales will continue moves at both modernisation and cost reduction with the inauguration of a world first branch of Special Dog Walking Constables, to take place in the New Year.

“For many years we have struggled with the effectiveness of our Missing Persons bureau, we hope to boost that with specially deputised dog walkers,” explained Chief Constable Billingsworth. “If it is a success we will look to employ some early morning joggers too.”

In recent years it has become apparent that hundreds of trained Police dog handlers performing methodical searches of towns, cities and the countryside have a success rate far below a retired bank manager walking a Yorkshire terrier.

“Hardly a month goes past without the body of a missing person being discovered in the undergrowth not by the police but by a member of the public out walking their dog,” said Billingsworth. “We have spent millions on helicopters, metal detectors and training but really the likes of Mr Scruffles and his four legged friends are much more effective. Although they do tend to chew the bodies’ fingers.”

The move has been welcomed by the Home Office which sees a dependence on members of the public’s opportunism as being key to the effectiveness of Britain’s remaining policeman on the beat.

“The Great British public has always played a key role in the location of dead bodies,” said a spokesman. “Whether that be dog walkers, long distance lorry drivers with their roguish smiles and mysterious rolls of carpet or the early more traditional early morning jogging murderer.”

The new “Big Society” approach to criminal investigations may also improve the breadth of searches for missing people, the Home Office believes, such as the case of a British boy who went missing in South Africa this summer.

“Certainly there is an opportunity to increase the types of searches and the success rates,” said the spokesman. “Normally all we ever see on the TV is people searching for pretty, blonde, female bodies.”

The increased usage of dog walkers will free up Police officers for more vital desk based roles in the hunt for missing people.

“We plan, over time, to transfer staff to our eBay missing person search group,” said Billingsworth. “They have had great success when purchasing old fridge-freezers that are padlocked shut.”

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