Thursday, February 25, 2010

Apple “astonished that people use our wipe-clean surface devices to look at boobies”

Apple's Chief Technology Angel, Steve Jobs was said to have retreated into the company’s Well of Purification when it became apparent that users of iPhones and iPod Touches may be using them to look at naked lady bumps.

“Mr Jobs has retreated to the heart of Apple Core to consult with his acolytes,” said an Apple Evangelist. “He is believed to be using the very restful Pips of Ergonomicity app on his iPad Nano to assimilate the news. Then he will tell us what to think.”

Mr Jobs, and devout Apple followers across the world, were shocked to learn recently that some applications on the Apple App Store were of an adult nature and have therefore been removed, to ensure the purity of the Chosen Devices.

“To be honest, when we developed a hand-held device with a wipe-clean, touch surface, with integrated 3G and Wi-Fi technology that can seamlessly zoom in on webpages, or access streaming video content via the Internet, we never imagined anyone could use it to enlarge anything other than their minds,” said an Apple acolyte. “Who would have thought there were naked ladies, or such suggestive donkeys, on the Internet?”

Apple said that the news that it was possible, if you were discerning and tried long and hard enough, to find saucy content on the Internet using your Apple device has provided the company with an unexpected insight into its customer base.

“Oh my God, do you think that is why all those 20-something men at the iPad launch cheered so much?” said the acolyte, distraught. “Surfing alone, in bed? Gripping our 10 inches in one hand?”

One of the apps that has been removed is called “Broncos Do Dallas” which, to the deep shock of Mr Jobs, turned out was not an American Football simulator. The app allows the user to control the movement of the lead actor’s flanks with a simple flick of the wrist.

“In retrospect we should have checked that upgrade to the Light Sabre app too,” said the acolyte. “We should have been suspicious when it advertised being able to replace the sabre with the user’s own weapon.”

Mr Jobs has yet to release a formal statement on the matter as he now only communicates using Apple’s Multi-Touch Gesture Language and the Well of Purification is famously devoid of Windows.

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