David Cameron pledges to make future pledges

Following news that the Lisbon Treaty will now be ratified by all member states, David Cameron pledged his future to making further pledges but said that the days of a cast-iron pledge may now be unsustainable.

“Two years ago, when there was little hope I would be in power, I made the people of Great Britain a cast-iron promise to hold a referendum on the EU Treaty,” explained Mr Cameron. “Soon I will be in position to take full accountability for that pledge, which is exactly why I won't. Instead I pledge to make future pledges.”

Mr Cameron said that the Tory leadership would lead the way in promising things and then not following through with them. Pointing at New Labour, and Gordon Brown in particular, Mr Cameron said he would improve the government’s record on pledges.

“In 2005 Labour promised the same referendum, they too failed deliver,” said the Tory leader. “The Tories promise to take that pitiful single attempt and will pledge more letters of decisive action until we are elected, followed by hard and fast promises once in power. This will really demonstrate the ability of a Conservative government at pledge making.”

Mr Cameron gave a further copper-bottomed guarantee that his policy would also include, “concrete pledges” , “hard-and-fast promises”, and “indications of the direction towards which future intent might gravitate”, having already begun with his promise to "work a day in his life".

The Conservative leadership is keen to stress that it is completely united in its desire to gain power and avoid any unseemly debate over closer European integration which following through on an actual promise may well entail.

“European treaties have always been divisive within the Conservative Party,” acknowledged Mr Cameron. “The debate always involves inevitable compromise between a desire for a sovereign autonomy within a wider trade facilitating framework and me having the chief whip threaten the euro-sceptics with being fisted with a broken bottle.”

However Mr Cameron re-iterated that the traditional conservative cast-iron promise industry was now unsuitable for a modern, globalised political environment.

“It is time for the future, and I pledge more investment in copper-bottom guarantees within a wider concrete-pledge framework,” said Cameron without even a smirk. “Britain has to face up to a very difficult future,” he added. “One with a Conservative government.”