Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Doomsday machine gets new security system

Engineers at CERN have announced that the Large Hadron Collider, the machine set to kill us all, destroy the Earth and, most shockingly of all, ruin the final of Strictly Come Dancing has had a SF40m security update.

“Last year we were shut down before we could destroy, I mean start our experiment, by one of our magnets heating up,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Now if a secret agent does attempt at sabotage we will know immediately and a dozen henchmen in orange uniforms will be despatched to resolve the problem.”

Many believe that the LHC (which is the English acronym for the machine’s full French title of SKYNET) is capable of generating a black hole which would severely disrupt voting during the X-Factor. SKYNET has been rumoured to be housed at CERN’s underground lair on the Franco-Swiss border with the 27km super-gun circling a huge underground tank containing at least three genetically engineered shark-crocodile-Katie-Price fembots.

CERN’s announcement of the new warning system was contained in a press release carved into the forehead of an official from the Polish embassy found floating face down in Lake Geneva. This new system will ensure that there is no repeat of November 2008’s forced shut down of the collider, when a black-silhouetted figure was seen hastily working on an elaborate electrical wiring loom as a large clock counted down nearby.

“1 more second and we would have seen the end of the world … wide ignorance of the Higgs-boson,” laughed Professor Billingsworth somewhat maniacally. “Somehow the blue wire was cut with one second to go. Yet again! Maybe we should also change the colour of the firing wire.”

The British Secret Service, MI6, said that the new warning system may represent an end to the chances of saving humanity, unless someone is willing to carpool.

“We can’t send any operatives into the field anymore. The Health and Safety forms needed to sanction a license to kill are horrendous,” said a spokesman. “And let’s not get started about the procedure for carbon offsetting for international flights.”

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