Friday, January 23, 2009

Man with woeful credit record successfully obtains £100bn mortgage despite the Credit Crunch

A man from Westminster with an extremely poor credit record successfully secured a mortgage despite the tight credit restrictions imposed by the high-street lenders. The man who has only lived in his current residence for about 18 months was able to secure the loan with the help of some 30 million guarantors.

"To be honest I expected it to be harder," explained Alistair Darling. "But in the end all I had to do was put up the nation’s schools and hospitals as collateral. They are now mortgaged to the hilt."

Mr Darling said that the £100bn would be given to the high street lenders so that they could lend it back to his guarantors, and to stave off the threat of unemployment.

"It’s bad enough having a Jock as a neighbour," said the MP for Edinburgh Southwest. "I am not going back to being a back bench MP. I can’t understand a word my constituents say."

There have been questions about how a scheme based upon charging people to borrow their own money would work. Mr Darling dismissed the criticisms as the proposals have been thoroughly vetted by Zimbabwe based accountants MC Escher.

"It’s like that thing about going back in time and killing your grandfather," said the Chancellor. "Basically I borrow from Peter to give to the Bank of Paul to lend to Peter. As Peter pays it back to the Bank of Paul it is paid back to me and in theory puts Peter back into credit. Or something, have you got a question on sport?"

Asked what would happen if the people receiving the loans from the banks that received the loans from the people borrowing the money fail to pay the money back, the Chancellor was overcome with a blank look.

"Bugger me, it hurts my head to think about it, so I try not to," he said after a lie down. "Apparently if Peter fails to pay the Bank of Paul back, then the Bank of Paul goes into debit against Peter as well. Peter then must foreclose on the Bank of Paul and absorb Peter’s debts as his own – which they are and are not. I imagine he will just turn up at his own home with a couple of mates take his own telly and beat the shit out of himself."

Peter from Doncaster disagreed. "It is more likely is that I will turn up in Downing Street with some flaming torches and a hate-filled mob," he said. "I am about a week away from having to eat cold dog food. And Sainsbury’s own brand at that."

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