Cristiano Ronaldo pleads “the tunnel should lose its licence”

After the Portugal and Manchester United superstar, Cristiano Ronaldo, wrote off his Ferrari a statement released through his solicitors called for the tunnel to receive the strongest punishment possible.

"My client, Mr Ronaldo, wishes to make it clear that he was making a clean pass through the tunnel at thirty miles per hour," said Archibald Billingsworth QC, speaking on behalf of vast quantities of cash. "From nowhere, and without provocation the tunnel came right across my client’s car causing it to spin wildly and roll along the carriageway at least a dozen times."

The European Player of the Year called for greater use of instant CCTV replay by Greater Manchester Police and the prosecution of the Italian sportscar manufacturer, Ferrari.

"My client would also like to request for future use of instant CCTV replays," said Billingsworth. "If they had been used by officials they would have seen the blow to his face that he sustained from the 599 GTB’s airbag."

CCTV footage that has been released shows Mr Ronaldo leaving his wrecked car clutching his head and chest before kneeling down and pleading with traffic police that the tunnel should be cautioned.

"I would also like to take this opportunity to state that whilst my client did initially complain that he had a fractured skull, had lost 15 teeth, had sustained 42 broken ribs and a broken leg," said Billingsworth. "He found 10 seconds after emergency services arrived that he was in fact perfectly fine and able to proceed on with his day as though nothing had happened."

The CCTV footage shows that Ronaldo received the support of fellow motorists. Many drivers of red cars stopped and screamed abuse at the tunnel wall and shouted to a local policeman to state that his parents were not married at the time of his birth. Those in blue cars simply appeared to make "wanker" signs at the Manchester United midfielder as they drove past.

A spokeswoman for Manchester United said that the club had been in contact with their player to provide counselling.

"We spoke to Cristiano and told him to be thankful the incident happened in England, since the tunnels in Spain are much more dangerous, the walls are in fact harder and the whole thing probably smells of wee," she said. "So it’s best he doesn’t sign for Real Madrid."

Following the spectacular performance Greater Manchester Police have signed a £120m deal for live streaming of their traffic camera feeds on ESPN Asia.