Caesar's speech on future of Europe offers hope of greater role for himself

David “Caesar” Cameron today revealed his intention to desperately assert his role in the centuries old conflict over the future of Europe within the Conservative Party.

“It's time to ask important questions about the Treaty of Rome, some say we should be fearful of asking, “ said Caesar. “But cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once.”

Caesar laid out his plans for a referendum on whether the Conservative Party should openly rebel against his leadership or simply continue to tear itself apart leading to the eventual end of his career just as it had his predecessors.

“I am constant as the Northern Star,” explained Cameron with the Conservation Party united directly behind him as he urged for a referendum on Britain's relationship with other countries, “Get going! Run to your houses, fall on your knees, Pray to the gods to stop the Hague!”

Unfortunately, a party soothsayer lamented that Caesar's fate is sealed in the stars because neither the Tories themselves, nor the other member states, could ever agree on a role for Britain within the EU.

“Those hard hearts and the cruel men of Rome will prevent Caesar continuing to act into the fifth year of the next parliament,” said the sage. “He will of course be stabbed in the back at the beginning of the third year. His political epitaph is likely to be 'Et tu Boris?'.”

Surprise That Professional Soldier Killed Enemy With Multi-Million Pound Death Machine

The historically peaceful nation of Great Britain today reacted with great surprise as it became apparent that one of their “army” of professional soldiers may have injured an enemy on the battlefield.

“He seemed like such a nice you man, standing there next to his brother at the wedding, wearing that lovely Blues and Royals uniform,” said Edna Billingsworth. “I had no idea that was a military outfit. And they train to kill people you say?”

Mrs Billingsworth was reacting to an interview with a serving army officer, Captain Wales of the Army Air Corps, who explained that after several years of training to kill people, being trained how to use £30m machines of death and having been deployed into battlefield service in a live, decade long, shooting war, that he had been actively attempting to kill the enemy.

“It's not really what I expect of a soldier, least of all one that knows that lovely Kate so well and has such a wonderful brother in William. Such a lovely couple,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “And I saw a picture of the helichopper that he flies, it's very ugly isn't it? That won't look very nice on a tea towel. Can't he fly that nice budgie that his auntie wrote about?”

However the incredulity is not just shared by commenters on the Daily Mail website, it is shared by other members of the lunatic fringe too.

“We've always wanted to bring down the UK establishment and of course the Royals,” said a spokesman for a radical Muslim group in East London. “The fact that these serving soldiers have killed our martyrs just makes this parasitic leach of an infidel more of a target for us. But not on a Tuesday as I have to sign on at the job centre then.”

Diane Abbot “I'm getting a bit old for all this sauciness”

One time teenager and previous twenty-something year-old woman, Diane Abbott, is to launch a revolution in sex education that will ensure young people “stop wanting to look at people's bits”.

“For too long now I have come to realise, like many people, that I am getting too old for nakedness to be an everyday thing,” said the MP for Principle on the Righteousness. “So, those younger people, well they should all just stop doing it too.”

Ms Abbott has become concerned with the availability of pornography on the internet, something that has only become an issue in the last 15 or so years, when the teenagers of then have grown up into 30 somethings with families of their own.

“It's obvious that today family values are centred around large inflatable breasts, sex sessions that last at least an hour of continuous pounding involving at least three people simultaneously,” said the MP in her landmark speech. “The number of orifices in use has spiralled too.”

The campaign will focus on new and shocking teenage behaviour, such as communicating raunchy messages to each other – something that was never possible with speech, the land-line telephone or furtive classroom notes.

There will also be a nationwide campaign to get schoolchildren to be nice to each other following the new craze sweeping the nation of calling girls sluts if they are rumoured to have ever seen a real penis.

“15 years ago, before anyone had shown a booby or a thingy on the internet, every school child was nice to one another,” said Ms Abbott. “Since slut-shaming happens online then, clearly, it is the computer that is at fault as no one ever called anyone a slut previously. Apart from Susan Billingsworth during that one school trip, who so definitely did touch that boy's thingy.”