Saturday, August 06, 2011

Standard & Poor rates US As 100% More Likely To Default Than Yesterday

Americans are today coming to terms with expert economists’ declaration that their economy and way of life is under pressure. This will come as a shock to the average man on the rubble strewn streets of Detroit rummaging for food in the bins of houses being sold for $100.

“Previously we had the United States rated as ‘Never, Ever, Going to Default’ but after a late night meeting at Harry’s Bar we have taken the drastic step of downgrading,” said Ben Billingsworth, 12, Lead Analyst at Standard & Poor. “Now we classify the US as ‘Never Going to Default’.”

The new assessment indicates that the US, which has hitherto been considered to have a 0% chance of defaulting, will in future have that risk raised by 100% to zero percent. The new rating was revealed in a press-release from S&P’s New York office entitled ‘We Are Not Moody’s Bitch.”

“We all knew that the government was going to be able to sort out the debt ceiling and they did that with no direct revenue increases,” said Billingsworth. “Obviously we on Wall Street are all big fans of tax hikes and when there were none last week we had to search for something else for free publicity.”

The American Dream may now amount to no more than a late night, embarrassed, laundering of bedsheets, but it doesn’t stop hard-working Joe Six-Packs from trying to restart their lives.

“Well it is a wake up call, knowing that America has only an AA+ credit rating is a real eye-opener,” said one Michigan mortgage broker pretending to have a new career in the Donkey Porn industry. “Now the US has a lower rating than Standard & Poor gave the sub-prime mortgages that started all this mess!”

President Obama has yet to comment as he braces for the next inevitable plunge in his popularity, however several people from Crawford, Texas were apparently rush to hospital with split sides.

Investors are now left to assess the detail of S&P’s analysis. The beer soaked cocktail napkin now grades lending to the US as carrying the same risk as lending to South Korea - a country still at war with its starving nuclear armed neighbour to the North.

In other news, S&P raised to AAA its assessment of shares in a new live musical touring company which will feature Elvis and Michael Jackson, supported by Amy Winehouse.

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