Serially rubbish soothsayer Pastor Harold Camping today predicted yet another date for the coming of the Rapture. It will now definitely arrive in October, giving believers plenty of time to send in their cheques and postal orders.
“God, in his infinite compassion, would want to spare humanity 5 months of panic and suffering,” said ministry spokesman Pastor Harold Billingsworth. “So instead our ministry will fill His role, and spread fear across the world. But we can’t do it without your help, so remember to keep sending donations.”
Many believers have been left bewildered and poverty stricken after spending their life savings following Pastor Harold Camping’s third prediction for the imminent end of the world being announced as 21st May, 2011. The Pastor was quick to re-assure his followers that his ministry would still be there for them.
“If you assumed salvation on Saturday and thus have spent all your savings, don’t worry, I am sure God will help you get your old job back. Or a second job,” sympathised the Pastor. “And remember Family Radio International accepts credit card payments and post-dated cheques.”
The Pastor was speaking during a broadcast on his Family Radio International ministry - whose slogan is “Predicting tomorrow is Judgement Day since 1988”. During the broadcast he claimed that he had once again re-interpreted the literal Word of God.
“Of course, as a fundamental literalist we can never speak figuratively,” said a ministry statement. “But a 5 figure donation would attain Bronze level on our Savedness Plan.”
Many have criticised Pastor Camping as simply having wasted his life hoping that every day for 23 years will see the death and destruction wrought by the vengeful love of the big Sky Wizard, as predicted by Iron Age men some 2000 years ago. Others say that his ministry is testifying as to the infinite compassion of Christ.
“We can’t give compassionate refunds on donations, unfortunately, the ministry can barely get by on its $122m of assets,” said a spokesman. “Anyway, the ministry isn’t a charity, unless you are from the IRS, when it so obviously is.”
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