Sunday, March 27, 2011

MOD Admits That The Army Has Been Stolen

There were red faces in Whitehall last night as a freedom of information request forced the Ministry of Defence to admit that the Army was either lost or stolen.

“In the last few years we have lost nearly our entire army,” explained Brigadier General Sir Herbert Billingsworth DSO. “We still have the Royal Nay though, it is currently patrolling the Serpentine in Hyde Park."

The news came after an MP requested information on the armed forces upon realising that it had been some time since anyone had seen the Army out and about and that it wasn’t answering the phone.

“To be honest we did have a nagging feeling that something was awry, I used to have loads of soldiers all in lines at parades and the like, I needed a car to inspect them all,” said the Brigadier General. “I first became suspicious when I realised the inspection of active servicemen was finished as soon as I checked my driver's collar was turned down en route to the parade.”

The Brigadier General said that an intensive search had been carried out for the Army and enquiries had been made with its most important contacts, but local pub landlords and prostitutes where equally mystified by its disappearance.

“We were hopeful we might be able to recover an aeroplane as we had information that some had been seen being operated by something called an RAF,” said Billingsworth. “However when we questioned the shell-shocked and battle-weary group disembarking it turned out to be a scheduled RyanAir flight.”

The list of MOD property that has been stolen runs to many pages and not only includes the loss of the armed forces, but following the botched SAS mission that was captured by Libyan farmers the inventory was re-issued to include the loss of reputation and respect.

“On the other hand we have gained the support of The Sun,” said Billingsworth. “And Jim Davidson. Bugger.”

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