Sunday, January 09, 2011

Dalglish Denies 20 Years Away From Liverpool Means He Is Out Of Touch And Vows To Help Club Match Leeds And Crystal Palace

Former Liverpool player and managerial legend Kenny Dalglish has returned to the home of his greatest footballing triumphs after a twenty year absence. Whilst he concedes he has been out of management for over a decade he was confident of being on top of the issues facing the club.

“Liverpool is a club with a proud history and the new owners know the high expectations of the club's loyal fans all over China,” said Dalglish as he spoke to journalists upon arrival at Liverpool Home Of The Beatles John 'Beatle' Lennon International Airport. “It may be a long time since I was at the club or managing a football team, but Liverpool should be vying at the top of Division One and I hope to build a team that can at least compete with Crystal Palace for third place.”

Dalglish has said that whilst he will not be taking charge of the first team as they take on fierce rivals Manchester United in the FA Cup Third Round he will be focussing on team morale and reviewing off-field activities.

“The first thing I will be doing is making sure that the players are well looked after and their needs met,” explained Dalglish. “I'll be talking to the shirt sponsors to see about having the players' houses re-painted and I have a meeting with Vauxhall to see about getting the players leases on the new Mark 2 Vauxhall Astras.”

Dalglish arrived back in the city only a few hours after nonagenarian Roy Hodgson left the club by mutual consent, with Liverpool promising him a nice trip to the seaside today and that they would come and visit every Sunday without fail and show him how to get the Antiques Roadshow on his new digital TV.

“The previous manager was a man of integrity and dignity, as well as a reliable source of Werther's Originals,” said Dalglish. “But today's modern game needs more than that, it needs someone who can relate to today's players and their celebrity lifestyles. This is why I am arranging for the team to meet chart-topper Chesney Hawkes at half time.”

Liverpool's owners, New England Sports Ventures, have demonstrated that they are not prepared to let any management issues linger after releasing their old manager, old Roy 'Old Man' Hodgson, after just seven months in charge. It is rumoured that should the situation at Liverpool Football Club degenerate any further they will send a taxi for Paul Gascoigne to bring over some beers and a fishing-rod.

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