US Military Extends “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” To Include Being A Russian Spy Or Al-Qaeda Bomber

With the formal continuation of the US Military’s “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” guidance to homosexuals who wish to risk their lives for a country that doesn’t want them to exist, senior figures in the Pentagon are planning to extend the policy to other areas.

“It’s an effective policy approach. All the things that we don’t want to admit are in the US Army, well we simply won’t ask people about them and so they won’t be there,” said General George C Billingsworth. “Being a Russian Spy will be next.”

The new approach will mean that if you are spying for the Kremlin then as long as you don’t tell anyone no one will ask and you can continue your career as an archivist at NORAD headquarters.

“Just as America doesn’t want American gays fighting for America in America’s military, and similarly we don’t want Russian spies either,” said General Billingsworth. “There are risks for this policy – that of remaining covert. But again the similarity is that we do not want either the Russians or the gays shoved down our throats and so they must take it slower and approach American society from behind, as it were.”

Whilst “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is most commonly thought of as solely being a means of curbing gay servicemen’s desire to run into battle with the arse cut out of their uniform, Russian spies are only the latest unwanted group within the Army to which it has been extended.

“It must be said though that our previous policies to other groups weren’t as successful as with the gays,” said Billingsworth. “Back in the sixties we said don’t ask and don’t tell applied to black people and women too.”

The other group to benefit from the new approach will be Al Qaeda operatives who are currently serving in the US military as sleeper cell members. With the new policy the US military will finally be able to equalise terrorist murder, treason and being gay.

“No one wants an Al Qaeda suicide bomber in the military, which is why we plan to treat them as criminal as them homos” said the General. “Still at least none of Bin Laden’s lot are likely to be gay themselves.”