Thursday, July 29, 2010

Candid Cameron “Love me, love my New History"

The British Prime Minister today insisted that his recent diplomatic tour was a triumph for his “new politics” and not the blunderings of a drunk toddler.

“This is New History, that complements perfectly the New Politics and the New Mathematics that my government is championing,” said Mr Cameron on the final leg of his tour. “It is a decisive break from the past and so called facts.”

Mr Cameron was responding to criticism of his recent comments regarding the role of Britain in 1940, the situation in Gaza and the propensity of jihadis to always seem to have been trained in Pakistan.

“Clearly Britain was a junior partner to the US in 1940, look at the economic growth figures,” said Dave. “It’s all very nice single-handedly defending freedom around the world, but it didn’t have as good an impact on GDP as the American’s approach of selling us loads of stuff.”

Mr Cameron elaborated that the core principle of New History was to ensure that you spoke directly to the immediate audience and told them exactly what you think will please them.

“It is important for me to say something bad about Pakistan when I am standing next to the Prime Minister of a country that has fought 4 wars against the country,” said Candid Cameron at a press conference in India. “A core principle of New History is that everyone around me thinks I am great- which is why I said only yesterday that whenever I phone my bank I insist on being put through to an offshore call centre.”

Mr Cameron announced further stops on his world tour. He said that he plans to stop over at the Vatican to emphasise to the Roman Catholic church that the great renaissance art of the New History clearly emphasised just how excitingly irresistible young choirboys bottoms are.

“I plan to return to the US, before I head back to Britain to tell you everything is shit,” said New Dave. “I forgot to tell the American people that everyone over 25 stone is in fact big-boned.”

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