Monday, January 04, 2010

China lambastes UK's Human Rights record

The Chinese government today launched a scathing attack on Britain's Human Rights record citing a list of persecutions and abuse of political prisoners, particularly those imprisoned in central London.

“It is appalling that in the 21st century a country is able to treat people so harshly, especially when the victim has committed no crime other than have political views,” said Yin Birrings, the Politburo Under Secretary for Prisoner Re-education and China's leading Cattle-Prod Salesman. “The treatment meted out to Gordon Brown would never be allowed in the People's Republic.”

The Chinese list includes accusations that Mr Brown has been badly dressed, is a one-eyed simpleton, suffers from depression and emphasises the end of a sentence by making a face as though he has followed through.

“We are perhaps old fashioned. Unlike the sophisticated British press we in China do not expect our leaders to go on holiday and be photographed wearing a mankini,” said Birrings. “We would not tolerate our leader receiving such a level of abuse as Mr Brown faces. Although we are surprised that he has killed so few of his critics. Apparently none! Clearly Britain has a lot to learn from the Chinese.”

The British government denied that there was a systematic persecution of the Prime Minister, emphasising that he was as focussed as ever on the key issues facing the country.

“We need to rise above personality based politics, “ said a spokesman for Number 10. “Which is what accusations of ruining the economy, ill-equipping troops and ruining the Health Service are. The Prime Minister wishes to focus on policy matters, such as next year's X-Factor.”

The government moved to further refute any ideas that Gordon Brown was not being well cared for and that he was in good spirits whilst being detained in Downing Street. Sources say that he is expected to be released in May.

“We all have changes in moods,” said a spokesman for Number 10. “If everyone told me I was a wanker fifteen times a day for 2 years I might feel a little down.” The spokesman was then quick to re-iterate that any rumours of the PM suffering from depression were just part of a smear campaign.

“China has a long outsourcing history with Britain,” explained Mr Birrings. “If your PM does have mental problems just send him over here and we will execute him.”


Alex said...

This is one of the best blogs I've read in a while and I read a lot of blogs. By 'a while', I mean a fairly long but non-specific period of time. You should come write for my blog, I'd let you - that's how magnanimous I am.

Reminded me of 'The Day Today', also liked the announcement of Heather Mills' death and interview with James Cordon, God that guy is so hilarious you could just tie him up in an abandoned warehouse.

Seriously though, very funny and you should have more comments but blogging is a cruel mistress. Check out mine sir.

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Anonymous said...

Make me unseen that picture, please)) It's to much for me. Even at I haven seen anything so ridiculous and cringy at the same time. What a shame, what a shame, really.

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