Following the discovery of a huge amount of Saxon Gold the Chancellor today announced a plan to move the pound back to being measured against the gold standard and a distribution of revised coinage. This will be a first step in a series of reforms to support hard pressed public finances.
“In no way are we saying that the country is broke,” said Mr Darling from his place in the soup line. "However I did see an advert on the telly for one of those companies that buys old gold and thought we could raise a few quid that way.”
The Saxon hoard is comprised of thousands of gold coins, which will form the basis of the new currency, as well as some gold ornaments, which will be sent to pawnyourgold.co.uk.
“A lot of the finds are 7th century sword fittings,” said Mr Darling as he sipped his steaming rat broth. “So I will be passing these on to Bob Ainsworth to see if he can re-equip the troops fighting in Afghanistan with some more modern gear.”
The Chancellor said that the full plans would be unveiled once the Prime Minister had returned from his voyage across the Atlantic – his galleon is due to return in a couple of months – mutinies allowing.
“We have everything under control. The current call-centre based economy - in which we all just sell each other insurance - will have to change," said Mr Darling. “The future will be a gleaming age of mud and prostitution. I suggest you all find yourselves a goat since they can be used in either trade.”
The Chancellor refuted claims that a couple of thousand coins would be insufficient upon which to base the economy, saying that this was just the first phase.
“Clearly only the very top of society will be able to amass enough goats, whores, or goat-whores to acquire a gold coin,” he said. “But you will still be able to tell someone’s status if the host at a dinner party serves his guests with brand name, rather than Tesco’s own brand, dog food.”
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