Thursday, August 27, 2009

Riots in the streets after Ikea changes its catalogue typeface from Futura to Verdana

Residents of affluent suburbs the world over were today warned to stay in their homes as middle class areas were consumed by another day of rioting following the news that Ikea had changed its catalogue typeface from Futura to Verdana.

“There is carnage everywhere, I can barely bring myself to look and am shuttered in doors shaking,” said Callum Billingsworth, a graphic designer from Camden in London, via Twitter. “Have you seen page 213? They have used red, bold Verdana, for God’s sake.”

The same story was repeated the world over. In the Mission area of San Francisco the early morning sun rising across the bay shone on rows of burnt out cars and overturned buses.

“It’s worse than the Facebook riots of ’08, and the changed layout,” said one resident who did not wish to be named, since she had not painted her front door to complement her fence. “People were just torching things, and chanting ‘Move this a little bit to the left then!’”

In a bid to bring order to a world ripped apart as another pillar of middle-class society undergoes the inevitable pressure of change, an online petition has been created to allow people to anonymously assert their right to have no absolutely effect on a huge international corporation and its typeface.

“People think we can’t but we can really make a difference with this petition,” said Billingsworth logging into his iMac to sign-up. “We just need to raise the issue above other petitions, like this one about Blood Diamonds, which sounds like a horrific clash of styles.”

Bloggers in the United States of America have been hit hardest by the change as the US economy is extremely vulnerable to changes of style, over substance. One noted sagely that “Ikea, they are Swedish aren’t they? I know that is in Norway so we need to picket the Swiss embassy right away.”

Verdana is a font designed and optimised for display on satirical websites that are only occasionally updated. Ikea is said to be leading the world in using such a font in print but the chaos brought about by the change has forced politicians at the highest level to wade into the debate. And MEPs.

“This issue, whatever it is, is an important issue, and one that I shall go onto Fox News and talk about,” said Daniel Hannan, MEP for Shitting in His Own Bed in South East England. “Ikea is a 60 year old mistake of immigration. Enoch was right when he said ‘Chuck out the Chinks’”

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