Marauding hordes of Scottish children to be given an extra four years of criminal learning

The age of criminal responsibility in Scotland is to be raised to 12 to bring it into line with other parts of the EU and give Scottish children extra years to improve their criminal behaviour and decide if they have a future in the crime industry.

"For too long now the wee scum of Scotland have had their collars felt at the age of 8, thus depriving them of several formative years as apprentice thieves and murderers," said Kenny McBillingsworth of the SNP. "Now they can have a few year’s extra practice looting and mugging before they are jailed for the first time – giving them a chance to develop their skills for later in life."

The move has been welcomed by tourism groups, who argue that it would improve Scotland’s culture and image around the world, with a consequential impact on employment in the region.

"After a life of cheap cider-fuelled crime and thuggery, the reputation for aggression enjoyed by your average Scotch child is of world renown making them in great demand as mercenaries and child soldiers," said a spokesman for Visit Scotland. "Certainly a Scottish 9 year old with the rage will make even a battle-hardened Taliban fighter run like a wee lassie."

The Scottish government said that the increase in the age of criminal responsibility was part of a package of measures aimed at bringing civilisation to Scotland.

"We are also introducing minimum prices for alcohol because at some point the English taxpayers are going to realise that paying for millions of unintelligible, hate-filled, drunken barbarians is not quite as endearing as they thought," said McBillingsworth. "They might question if it is really a cultural asset to be continually berated over representation whilst the UK political parties are stuffed with angry Scotsmen."

The raising of the age at which Scottish children can be caged as animals has brought condemnation from south of the border, particularly from neighbouring English councils that will now have to face the onslaught of gangs of marauding Scottish ten year olds who would otherwise have been locked up.

"We might have to rebuild Hadrian’s wall. And electrify it," said a councillor from deep within Berwick-upon-Tweed council’s emergency bunker. "Have you seen a Scottish playground? It’s like a scene from a zombie movie. I don’t know if the budget will stretch to machine gun outposts. Don’t open that can of Irn-Bru, it attracts them! Oh Jesus."