Monday, February 16, 2009

Bank maps out new bonus structure for bank project to review bank bonus structure

Bosses at Lloyds TSB responded to criticism of their intention to pay staff bonuses, following the announcement that the group has lost nearly £11bn, by announcing a comprehensive review focussing on staff remuneration.

"We have instigated a high priority project, Project Trough, which will outline a new pay scheme for our bank-staff, rewarding only those that have really screwed the maximum out of each customer," said Sir Leonard Billingsworth, CFO of Lloyds Banking Group. "I mean really screwed them. It is important we hold onto those people. When the project completes there will be big bonuses for all involved. Really huge ones if it should complete even remotely on-time!"

The wide ranging project will be structured to ensure that shareholders in the bank can clearly see exactly how salaries and bonuses are distributed.
"Right at the heart of Project Trough will be several 'Pay Investigation Groups' composed of staff from all levels," explained Billingsworth. "Our customers, who are also taxpayers that have been compelled to become shareholders in our incompetence, will see from the P.I.Gs sticking their noses right into the heart of the Trough exactly what they have got for their money."

Whilst the new project has met with appreciation from politicians of all persuasions who see it as focussing the spotlight of public scrutiny onto the pay of the banking community they are not sure it will work for everyone working in the public sector.

"Certainly bankers have squandered huge amounts of taxpayer's money and have a bonus system to fall back on," said a Labour peer. "There are hundreds of people that have wasted even more enormous sums who are not as fortunate. We in the Lords have to make do with creative use of the expenses scheme and the bulging envelopes we receive from lobbyists for helping to shape the nation's laws. So we welcome the bankers being the subject of this distraction of public scrutiny."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Pure genius!!!

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