Euro 2008 rescheduled for the soaps

Football fans were today absorbing the freshly published match schedules for this month's European Championship and the growing realisation that millions of people would have to deal with the vagaries of match times dependant on Britain's soaps.

“Whilst Euro2008 will be watched by billions of people all over the world we at UEFA understand that millions of men want to be able to view the championship at home in safety,” said UEFA President Michel Platini. “There is nothing more dangerous than a knife wielding menopausal harridan who has been deprived of the latest screaming session on Eastenders.”

UEFA say that this is the natural progression in their attempts to expand the appeal of football not just internationally, but also to women.

“We have taken great steps, following the widespread suffering caused by the Champion's League final moving Corrie,” said M. Platini. “Cristiano Ronaldo has made it clear that, after five years living in Manchester, he would be unable to complete any match that kicked off after 1930 unless half-time was extended to an hour to allow the soaps to be broadcast. Indeed the players will be able to watch on the big screens whilst having their tea in the centre circle.”

TV experts say that whilst the viewing demographic may be different, in reality the contents of both programmes are complementary.

“Our viewers want to watch overpaid people with good hair but bad acting skills, crying and pretending to be hurt,” said Paul Billingsworth, TV journalist at the leading oestrogen fuelled broadcaster GMTV. “You get more of that rubbish during each football match.”