Saturday, May 12, 2007

Married men deflated by Kylie statement

Allotments and pubs all over the UK are filled with married men lamenting the announcement from Kylie Minogue following accusations regarding her relationship with a married friend.

Ms Minogue responded to such accusations with a statement that she has “never been unfaithful to a partner and would find it completely immoral to be involved with a married man.”

“It’s pretty depressing,” said Nick Billingsworth, 41, a bricklayer from Middlesbrough. “I mean you know there is always that fantasy of Kylie, and perhaps Dannii too if it was New Years Eve or something. Now it looks more remote than ever.”

Gill Binsworth of the Women’s Academy of Logic says that studies have shown that Kylie Minogue is found to be so attractive to all sexes and sexual orientations that she is believed to be the only woman that married men can mention openly in the presence of their wives without fear of recrimination.

“Indeed, the prospect of a sexual encounter with Kylie is so remote that most women believe it is out of their husband’s reach entirely,” said Mrs Binsworth. “However if he should get the chance most would admit he should probably go for it.”

Given that a sexual encounter with Kylie is considered to be an event that would always be pardonable, much like slapping Chris Evans. The statement has had a devastating effect on the morale of the nation.

“My Nick hasn’t been the same since Kylie made her statement,” said Fiona Billingsworth. “He has started to accept now that his hair really is thinning and that he is a little too overweight to wear a tight fitting football shirt on match days. It’s almost as though Kylie has taken away the one thing that he was holding onto to retain his youth.”

However it was not all doom and gloom in the Billingsworth household, since as Kylie firmly closed one door with her announcement perhaps she left others ajar.

“Well she didn’t rule out an affair with a married woman, and you know well its Kylie isn’t it,” affirmed Mrs Billingsworth. “The husband has already said it’s not a problem as long as I take the video camera.”

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