Saturday, April 07, 2007

Britons “pleased to see ex-pats go”

A new study released today claims that most Britons are pleased when ex-pats leave their native land and head to far off countries.

“It appears these ‘wannabe ex-pats’ have been getting on the nerves of other people in Britain so when they announce they are going to leave, most people wish them well and hope it will be soon,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The survey polled thousands of homes from up and down the land with consistent themes recurring throughout.

“Oh yeah, our neighbours used to constantly moan about Britain, the weather, the trains, young people, the television, the traffic,” explained Arthur MacAulay, from Falkirk, who took part in the survey. “Everyday it would be something new that they didn’t like. I was so pleased when they said they were leaving for Paxos, I offered to drive them to the airport.”

Mr MacAulay’s feelings were echoed by Martin Edenbridge from Aynsford in Kent. “The people next door? Oh they showed no interest in making anything better – never contributed to the parish council, never spoke up on planning issues, but just moaned endlessly. Bizarrely they went on and on about the schools, but they didn’t even have any kids,” he said. “Mind you, what can you expect, it took them 43 years to find the airport!”

The research revealed that most ex-pats still obsess about the country they left behind even though they only keep in touch through tabloid media.

“We collated the comments posted on the websites of the major newspapers - as well as the Daily Express and Daily Mail. We also checked the viewer's comments on 24 hour news channels.” said Professor Billingsworth. “Invariably there will be a comment from someone who left a decade ago but is using the current headline as a platform to both justify their decision and rubbish Britain.”

The research found that these constant justifications get wearing for those back home hearing about how a third-world country is actually an undiscovered paradise, an experience shared by Mr MacAulay.

“We got a few phone calls after they left going on about how great it was. Last time he was almost hysterical,” explained Mr MacAulay. “He was raving about how none of the locals spoke English, the only Doctor was at the top of a steep mountain path, they didn’t have running drinking water and the rustic supermarket was hardly open. Of course what really grated was when he patronisingly assumed I would want to join him. ‘Please call for help’ he said!”

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