Animals at risk of unemployment

Animal welfare groups today unveiled a new co-ordinated campaign to highlight the plight of millions of animals.

"These animals are now starting to suffer at the hands of man," explained Maureen Billingsworth of the environmental pressure group ‘Jobs For The Beasts’. "Globalisation’s insatiable growth and consumption is depriving hundreds of species of their means of survival."

The JFTB says that the Miner Bird is now rarely found in Western Europe following the closure of pits in places such as Wales and Northern England. Clown Fish, once popular with children of all ages whether it be in home tanks or parties at public aquaria, have now been cast aside in favour of Polish magicians. Similarly the decline of the Russian navy has led to destitution for most Red Admiral butterflies.

Decades of legislation outlawing cruel practices and blood sports have forced breeds such as the Boxer Dog to ply its trade underground but even those opportunities are being taken by the cheaper competition in the form of Chinese Fighting Dogs.

"The spread of IKEA and the preference for wicker or MDF furniture has thrown millions of Carpenter Ants onto the scrapheap," said Mrs Billingsworth. "Although there does seem to be a growth of opportunities in the middle east for Soldier Ants."

The JFTB said that field researchers had discovered evidence that some animals had been forced to take degrading jobs to survive, although they have not been able to confirm rumours that some Sperm Whales have been working in the porn industry.

The campaign groups want extensive funding to set-up animal security network, providing retraining and support for the members of the animal kingdom that have become disenfranchised. However they are conscious they need to proceed with caution due to the usage of camouflage - the Pilot Fish Support Group collapsed when it was discovered none of them could actually fly a plane.

"It isn’t all bad news," said Mrs Billingsworth. "If we can secure the right level of government funding for these animals we are sure there will be a bright future for Sponges."