Channel 4 has announced the results of an internal review into the controversy surrounding the last series and the effects it has had on the lives of the celebrities. The series is to be revamped with a provisional title of “Celebrity Suicide Watch”.
“There was a record number of complaints from the viewing public and so we need to reflect their need for action as well as the statements from the luvvies involved.” commented a source within Channel 4 who did not wish to be named.
“Since they came out the housemates have been on numerous TV programmes saying that it has ruined their careers and lives,” he explained. “A couple have even considered suicide, so we thought we really needed to use the power of the Big Brother house to turn around such a terrible situation and get the show back to entertainment.”
The source said that the next series of Celebrity Big Brother will therefore abandon evictions from the house, but will instead revert to communal punishment.
“At the end of each vote all the contestants will be strapped into their own electric chair,” explained the source. “The voltage applied to each contestant will be in proportion to the votes they receive from the public. So, if they are all equally annoying to the viewers they will all get a mild tingle and a new hairstyle. Of course if one is really standing out with the public then it will be roast pork on the menu that night.”
Channel 4 denied that such an electrocution system had been in place for this year’s show.
“Cleo Rocos’s hair has always been like that” he said.
The new format will appeal to the visceral nature of reality TV but will also provide the celebrities involved with a reduction in time spent in therapy.
“They all want to go into rehab. It’s like the ASBO of the celebrity world. If you have been in rehab you have really suffered dahling.” commented research scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “So the producers can sell electro-shock therapy as a benefit of being on the show.”
When asked if the likelihood of death would put off the celebrities wishing to take part the Channel 4 source was unconcerned.
“There will always be another 15 z-listers who want once last chance to heat up their tired careers and this really could be their last! They always say you should go out whilst you are still hot.”
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