Arrested man pleads “Are you gay noob?”

The trial continued today of a man accused of several charges of theft and battery following an afternoon crime spree including receiving stolen goods.

The man was identified as Jason Billingsworth, 21, from Reading but identified himself only as ThundaHawk85 and claimed to be from Kharanos in Dun Morogh.

The court heard how Mr Billingsworth had arrived at The Oracle shopping centre and proceeded to various shops. The first altercation came in the queue of the shop GAME where Mr Billingsworth is accused of assault over the last remaining copy of the “Gears of War” console game. Witnesses say that Mr Billingsworth shouted loudly “F.F.S. You loser, You would suck anyway. Loll” before pushing another shopper to the ground and taking the game from his hands as well as the shopper’s money. Throwing the money at the sales assistant, Mr Billingsworth then allegedly ran out of the shop shouting “You’ve been owned by the Guild of the Red Faction.”

The court further heard how Mr Billingsworth evaded apprehension by security guards in the crowd of the shopping centre. Mr Billingsworth claimed this was because his “elite skills rocks awed”.

Another altercation happened in the HMV music store. Witnesses gave evidence that when challenged by staff who suspected him of shoplifting, he replied “like, what, it ain’t theft man, everyone does it. My like mate Digger Master gave me like twenty gigs of cool toons man. So **** you mo-fo.”

Witnesses also testified that Mr Billingsworth was arrogant and abusive, even including the trial itself. Labelling the jury a “bunch of lame nubbins” he also declared that the court “****ing sucks” and needed “some good banging hip hop”. He also declared that the judge “was an old, gay, hacksaw” who, bizarrely, should be reported for cheating. He would frequently only respond to questions with an exaggerated smiley or sad face and phrases such as “ruffle Mao”. At several times during the proceedings he asked the public gallery if there was any “fit F want some lovin’ from my nine inches”. In fact during the trial itself Mr Billingsworth was further charged with six counts of affray following questions from the prosecution.

The final charge against Mr Billingsworth was that he was caught frantically masturbating whilst looking at the rotating lingerie display in a shop window claiming to passers by that “I have like loads of like bitches. My girlfriend is, like, upstairs, but I want to get it on with the avatar anyways.”

Educational and psychiatric assessments indicated that Mr Billingsworth was barely literate and had limited social skills. Further testimony revealed he spends 18 hours per day playing games or surfing chat rooms on the internet.

Tory party leader stands by the depiction of “tosser”

The Conservative Party has reacted to the controversy surrounding their recently launched ’tosser within’ internet video.

“It is a provocative advertising campaign aimed at young people and students, “ explained David Cameron. “There is an old Chinese proverb: 'Tell me and I will forget. Show me, and I will remember.' and with the visualisation of a ’tosser’ we hope to be able to show the nation what we stand for and hope they will remember”.

The advert features an irritating and badly dressed figure who encourages people to swap from one expensive fashionable trend to another, all the while storing up problems for the future without providing any actual solutions.

“This is the kind of thing that you will be seeing more and more from the Tories.” explained Mr Cameron, in turquoise cycling shorts and Day-Glo pink safety helmet. “I have been recently speaking on the environment, on immigration, on poverty and on security to name but four. This ’tosser’ brand is one that you will see increasingly on more and more issues.” Referring back to his Confucian wisdom Mr Cameron added. “When it comes to the tosser within us you will see a lot more showing from the Conservative party in the future.”

Snow Patrol fan David Cameron is no stranger to Internet spread videos of this nature having recently launched his “Webcameron” web journal featuring the Conservative leader commenting on hard hitting political issues whilst doing the washing up. It was after this first series of blogs that the Tories decided upon the depiction of a ‘tosser’ on the internet.

“Mr Cameron and the shadow cabinet have recently said that they want more direct action and so the Conservative Party itself has paid for these ’tossers’,” remarked political commentator Grant Billingsworth. “It remains to be seen after the next election if the taxpayer wishes to pay to see more of this ‘tosser’ too.”

SPORT: Premiership manager claims “It is all the fan’s fault”

Alec Billingsworth, manager at Premiership team Rotherington City United, today lashed out at the fans of the beleaguered club and urged them to get behind the team more.

“They just aren’t trying hard enough, “ accused Mr Billingsworth. “My boys are out there week in, week out, running around in all weathers and what they need is some support. Some of these fans think they are just there as an audience. Really the twelfth man is under-performing.”

Rotherington City United are languishing at the bottom of the Premiership and starting to lose ground in the relegation battle. Most football pundits lay the blame at the lack of command in midfield and the sieve like qualities of the left side of defence. However it appears the club itself believes the problems are in the stands and not on the pitch.

Condemnation of the fans lack of effort has also come from the Rotherington board and in particular the club’s chairman, Bill Worthing. “It’s a diabolical performance almost every Saturday. They swan into my ground as though here for fun. On that pitch are a collection of millionaires with some of the finest personal modelling contracts on the planet - when they aren’t in prison” said the flamboyant ex-politician. “It’s not enough to cheer occasionally while sitting n the cold and wet. They need to be roaring their support for each kick of the ball and make sure that their chants win in the air against the opposition fans Just because we are getting thumped each weekend is no excuse for not turning up to every match.”

Rotherington supporters are as non-plussed by the club’s comments as much as they are by the performance of the side. “How can I cheer them on, it’s £40 a ticket, and another tenner for a pie, a pint and a programme,” responded one fan “Then you watch a load of numpties who couldn’t find space if you chucked them out of the Shuttle. I tell you, if they closed Ikea on a Saturday I wouldn’t need to come anymore.”

False Economy predicted to grow

Figures from the Bank of England indicate that the False Economy is predicted to grow steadily throughout 2007 with a larger than normal seasonal growth from the end of 2006 and into the following spring.

“Normally the boom time for the False Economy is the January sales, and whilst we expect this to continue we are also noticing an increase in pre-Christmas reductions on offer on the high street,” commented Callum Billingsworth, 19, Chief Economist with analysts Smith, Smithie and Smythe Associates. “We can therefore expect the False Economy to have two growth spurts especially in clothing and shoes retailing - as women believe they are indeed saving money by buying more expensive items than they normally would - a traditionally strong area of the false economy which has its firmest period at this time of year.”

However, reflecting the progression to a more digital economy, the false savings market is expected to show a growth in “first month free” TV, broadband and phone deals - especially those that require a 12 month contract with rebates should you exit within the first month.

“We are really expecting to see a growth in the False Economy around the broadband sector. You get what you pay for and many customers will be signing up for free deals with quite restrictive limitations on either bandwidth or monthly usage allowance,” explained Callum. “These things have some lag due to word of mouth as customers, typically 30 something males, will not wish to talk about the deals initially since they will inevitably be experiencing their first month of expensive calls to support lines during the transfer from their existing and reliable service to the new patchy supplier. However once the pain is over they will evangelise about their savings thus creating growing the broadband False Economy as they forget about the initial pain and loss of service.”

The Christmas False Economy is expected to be particularly technology led, especially in the 16 to 25 age group. “The mobile phone companies have really come on, even the basic handsets have dozens of features nobody uses once they leave the shop and the recent announcements regarding TV on your mobile is an area we think of as a massive growth in wasted expenditure,” commented Billingsworth as he demonstrated a small, jerky, blurred image that was a apparently Wayne Rooney scoring from 20 yards out. “This trend will continue into the new year. When Microsoft Vista comes out a lot of people will upgrade their PCs to more powerful ones to do exactly the same things with them that they do now.”

However the good news is not simply confined to the young and the technology sectors. Pound stores are expected to continue their steady growth in cheap kitchen utensils and handyman tools that break after the first use. The Bank of England also highlighted the recent increase in energy costs which will lead to a surge in False Economy deals for elderly customers who have only electricity, and not gas, being signed up for duel fuel savings in shopping centres up and down the land.

Bird Flu “Devastates sub-editor population”

The Great British public has now developed a natural immunity to stories about H5N1 - the Bird Flu virus. So deadly has this inoculation become that there has been devastation across the news desks of media organisations. Spreading in the opposite direction to the over hyped disease has been a dearth of opportunities for headlines, stories and news reports from masked journalists. This wave of despair has travelled from the west of Europe towards the Far East.

The inoculation has been carried by a migration of experience, science and common sense as the pandemic failed to materialise as each month passed. Realisation that more people die from falling over in the UK each year than have ever been diagnosed with Bird Flu in the entire world has provided the relief from the symptoms of media induced paranoia the country was under.

Advertising executives too are suffering as even scurrilous throat lozenge advertising involving sneezing birds has been unable to scare the population into a frenzy of Bird Flu story dependency.
Scenes of the devastation are prevalent in many major cities: dead newspapers filled with virulent hyperbole pile up in boarded doorways; news websites are unable to send e-mails of coughing, wheezing stories to uninterested friends of readers; journalists stand forlornly, live, outside a job centre near you.

“It really has been devastating,” bemoaned Janet Billingsworth of the Union of Health Correspondents, “we had amassed a huge stockpile of stories. We had a lot of pseudo medical advertising on 24-hour standby to be run at any moment. We can only hope that it doesn’t spread fully into the East Asian market - our sponsors have ten billion sachets of lemon flavoured aspirin to dispose of.”

Tesbury’s open new checkout for “over 50s”

(featured as front page story for 26/11/2006 on Newsbiscuit)

The country’s leading supermarket, Tesbury’s, today announced that it was introducing special checkouts for the “60s or over”.

“We are always on the lookout for ways to make the shopping experience more appealing and we have noticed that a number of our older customers have special needs that are not being catered for in the normal shopping experience,” explained Hamish Billingsworth of Tesbury’s Public Relations. “This section of the community wants to be able to come in and have a chat during the checkout process. They want to be able to spend not only half an hour shopping but to suddenly remember something that they must have after a further ten minutes standing at the checkout.”

To assist the over fifties the checkouts will only accept cheque or cash transactions for the exact amount, with the maximum denomination accepted being the pound coin. Cheques will only be accepted if they have been folded in four. The aisles will be slightly too narrow for shopping bags with integral trolleys and there will be none of those “Next Customer Please” separators as the target audience prefers to place their arm across the conveyer as a divider.

“Our checkout staff have been specially trained in meaningless small talk and supplied with suitably vague facts” continued Mr Billingsworth explaining the customer experience. “The distraction aspect is one we know is very important to our customers and gives them those joyful harassed moments when they only start packing after three quarters of their shopping has been through the scanner. We are also keen to recreate at every visit that wonderfully dazed denouement that happens when they are asked to pay as though for the first time ever.”

Any customers who have their method of payment ready at the checkout, or a rough estimate of the cash total will be forced to place their money or cheque into a fiddley purse that will be placed at the bottom of a full laundry bag before being returned to them.

“These checkouts will only be available Monday to Friday from 12pm until 2pm. We know this may well disappoint those of our over 60s customers who do like to shop early or when the queues are a bit lighter. But they are few and far between as most of them want to shop during other people’s lunch hour.” said Billingsworth. “We will have a phased roll-out with the new checkouts going initially to those of our stores with no nearby post-office to attract the maximum trade.”

REVIEW : “Handbook for the confused”

A new publication aims at helping those confused by today’s fast paced media driven lifestyle. The "Handbook for the Confused : Voices to be heard other than those in your head" is priced at £14.99 from all good bookshops.

The book is aimed at all of us who struggle to tell the difference between the talented and the trained monkeys that we see on television and in the newspapers each day "to separate out Chimpan-A to Chimpanzee". It contains sections on politicians, sportsmen and women as well as media celebrities. An indicator of our times, it devotes a whole chapter to Reality TV Stars and the porn actors and actress that they would aspire to be.

In the political chapter it explains that, despite the easy confusion over the fleet-of-footedness to avoid all trapdoors across either wing of the political stage, it is Tony, not Lionel, Blair who is the Prime Minister. The book provides a good explanation that whilst he always appears on TV as an authoritative and patriarchal figure, It is John, not Mike, Reid that is the Home Secretary.

It isn’t always successful - the profile of David Cameron does its best to distinguish the Conservative Party leader from a shape-shifting chameleon not of this world, but fails at the final hurdle.

It is a well paced tome, using straight forward language without pandering to the hyperbole of the tabloids nor the snootiness of satirical websites. Indeed within its 500 pages you will find answers and explanations to most of your questions regarding the "Who?" and probably more importantly the "Why?" of British society. Although needless to say it contains no explanation for "Ant & Dec".

Indeed a triumph of the husband and wife authors, Howard and Hilda Bigglesworth is their explanation that the reason that the heavyweight, overbearing, opinionated and bumbling Deputy Prime Minister manages to get himself into such bizarre and embarrassing scrapes is that he is in fact Oliver Hardy.

Tory leader assimilates Union leaders

It was revealed recently that David Cameron recently met with a group of a dozen union leaders from various areas of public services. Whilst some of Mr Camerair’s followers were concerned about forging links with unions in principle, the Conservative Leader said that rather than continuing the traditional Tory attack on public service workers, they would “work together and, indeed, their distinctiveness would be added to that of Conservative policy“.

Tavid Camerair was reversing a trend started by the “queen” of the Tories, Margaret Thatcher, when she began the war with the federation of Unions. Tonid Camerair, speaking on a tour of an NHS hospital said “There is a great sense of Enterprise within the health service. We need to get the details of this Enterprise back to within the sphere of Central Office were we can study the plans and use it to our advantage as we move inexorably towards the centre of human society.”

Tavid Blamir continued “The future of public services is safe in our hands. Labour are not to be trusted on the NHS and it is this progression towards their ground that is the course that we in the Conservative Party must set.” Finally Tonid Blair turned his unblinking and steely gaze towards the local party activists present and gave them the following instruction. “Take this message to all your people, that under the leadership of Tony Blair resistance to the Borgies is futile.”

US invites Iran and Syria to game of “pass the parcel” over Iraq

The United States of America has said that it is prepared to discuss the future of Iraq with Iran and Syria. "More specifically," revealed Karl Billingsworthski, one of US President George Bush’s aides, "to decide who would like a go at this hot potato - I mean it would be nice if we could do the right thing by the country we destabilised but, well it’s a nightmare and we need to pass this onto someone else."

"We are hoping to be able to pull at some fraternal heartstrings. For Iran there is Shia Muslim relationship - especially as the Shia in Iraq are calling for their own federal state anyway." explained Mr Billingsworthski, "For Syria, well their majority Sunni Muslim population would I am sure embrace the Iraqi Sunnis. One thing is for sure we just want out. It is a financial sink-hole. It’s clear enough people are not benefiting in the US from the vast reconstruction contracts as the mid-terms showed."

In private, off the record briefings other political advisors to the Iraqi Study Group are stressing the need to extricate US troops so that they are free to attack Syria, the preferred target in the War On Terror, or Iran if the Iranians look like they are making headway with their Nuclear programme.

"The reality is that this is as much a US strategy advisory group than it is some sort of touchy feely - ‘let’s do the best by the Iraqis’. If we get Syria or Iran involved then they’re military resources will get embroiled in the same nightmare we are now. Ideally we can pass Iraq right on to them, but even if we have to share the job you know it will cripple them more than us! And hey, that means an easier ride to the next stop on the world tour. If you know what I mean. In fact if it all goes really well then the insurgency in Iraq will spill into Syria and Iran and do the job for us!"

Elgin Marbles dispute to be resolved over 5 matches

Today, at a press conference at the Duveen Gallery in the British Museum, Thomas Billingsworth, Curator of Sporting Competitions announced a new tournament to determine the rightful holders of the Elgin or Parthenon Marbles. This will finally solve a dispute that has been raging ever since the Earl of Elgin bought them from the Ottoman Empire that controlled Greece in 1806.

“This has been a political and patriotic controversy for the last two centuries, with passionate argument for and against their siting in London or Athens,” remarked Mr. Billingsworth “In Britain we pride ourselves on fair play and so we are gathered here today at the inauguration of this new biannual competition. The winner of the series will be able to call themselves the Elgin Marbles Champions.”

A press release confirmed that the new tournament will be played over a series of 5 Test matches with the winner of the series being crowned champions. The location of the tournament will alternate between Britain and Greece.

Mr Billingsworth elaborated further “The rules will be those of standard circle marbles. No local rules will be allowed and there will be no “quitsies”. We will follow the proud tradition of the Ashes Test cricket series and there will be no “keepsies” either - regardless of who is crowned Elgin Marbles Champions, the Parthenon Marbles themselves will stay in the British Museum.”

Government Sporting Strategy “no competition”

“We are very proud of the performance of the English Cricket team in their first match of the Ashes tour, very pleased indeed.” remarked Vincent Billingsworth, Under Secretary for Sports planning. “We have deployed a lot of resources into returning the team’s ability back to the normal playing standard and any other result may have been problematic.”

Mr Billingsworth was speaking at a dinner for a large corporate sponsored sports charity. “Over the past decade we have worked hard on mediocrity in competition which is very important for the image of the UK and our sporting industries and media.

“The England national football side has been the foremost bastion of such mediocrity. They have attained a standard of competition, not so terrible that we could never imagine them winning but sufficiently good that we could raise our hopes as each tournament nears, with endless column inches and hours of TV and radio time speculating on their prospects. If they ever attained that winning formula, well speculation would be meaningless.

“Also, we in the government do get fed up improving hospitals and schools and buying the latest equipment for the armed forces – it is always divisive and offers only limited overseas fact finding tours. Promoting sport is almost a blank cheque for us to attend major sporting events.
“Further, sporting partnerships: whether it be sponsoring existing teams, or training academies; perhaps the creation of new playing fields, courts and arenas; give us in the public sector the opportunity to engage with you, in private industry – which is invaluable networking for our future careers outside of government.

“We have had some set-backs, Liverpool FC have had more success than we would like in European football in the last decade. Damon Hill was too successful at Williams, but his move to Arrows solved that. Indeed David Coulthard has achieved in F1 the level of expectation we hope to maintain for all competitions. There was the slight exception with Jenson Button fluking his first Grand Prix win - whilst we can’t allow for the weather and the major drivers having reliability problems, it does at least raise the speculation level on Jenson’s performances.

“Another outstanding success has been our work with the England Rugby Union team after their alarming World Cup victory. To be honest I think we need to review that programme as, frankly it may well have gone too far. The aforementioned opportunities for speculation are limited to the size of the defeat and this is no good for Rugby equipment manufacturers.

“In preparation for the 2012 Olympics we are hopeful of making use of expert consultants when Tim Henman and Colin Montgomerie retire. It is vital, after all, that Britain retains the image of plucky and capable underdog on the sporting field. Perhaps now you understand why we had to part company with Sir Steve Redgrave.”

Prime Minister implicated in “cash for ASBOs” controversy

Investigators today confirmed that they are indeed investigating the role of the Prime Minister in the ongoing “cash for honours” controversy in light of new evidence reported across the media.

“We have known for some time that this might go all the way to the top, but when the report into the effectiveness of inner city community policing came out it provided a rich mine of evidence.” explained Detective Jacob Billingsworth.

Central to the investigation into the dealings of Number 10 is the revelation that ASBOs are seen by many delinquents as a “Badge of honour”.

“It was at this point we searched back through the archives and uncovered the suggestions from the Prime Minister that people who indulge in anti-social behaviour should pay for it, possibly from cash machines.“ revealed Detective Billingsworth “We would like to emphasise that we don’t think any of the high street banks are knowingly involved.”

“We are now investigating whether or not the Prime Minister’s statement regarding marching off to a cash machine to pay on the spot fines was a code to those seeking to buy honours and the recent report may have been a piece of ill-timed advertising for the cash for ASBO service. “

The Prime Minister emphasised today that he would not comment on an ongoing investigation. At a heated press conference he said “Look, I am just not going to answer any questions in the media, it would just not be appropriate.” Reporters pressed Mr Blair further and he became more agitated. “Listen, I have only one thing to add, bog off.”

Number 10 hastily issued a press release stating that “The Prime Minister spoke in the heat of the moment and did not in anyway imply that there was currently a Buy One Get One Free offer.”

Millions fund new corporate bandwagon – Charity record soon?

Today it was announced that forty million people in the UK will help support a small group of disadvantaged investors.

The government backed Family Fund would be giving taxpayer’s money to those members of the Farepak Christmas club who lost out when the company collapsed. Following the announcement several corporate retail giants fell over themselves to be seen to be helping.

Murial Billingsworth, an Under Secretary within the Department of Administrative Affairs, responded to questions from the media. “Essentially we are all too keen to give other people’s money to causes that we won’t believe anyone either cares enough about or would be offended by. Hence our taxes can now go to people who, ultimately, were after some posh Christmas puds. Who can object to such a thing? The media will love it - ‘Spirit of Christmas’ and all that.”

“We love it,” exclaimed Bill Insworth, media consultant, “currently the news is all ‘Iraq this’, ‘US mid terms that’. Now we have this heart-warming story of all of us working really hard all year to give our taxes to those who wanted to save a few quid on a turkey with some expensive stuffing. Wonderful, I reckon we will be able to fill hundreds of column inches and discussion programme hours on this.”

“It’s great for us too!” shouted marketing executive Tilly Swinsorth, 19, “we have a large supermarket client that currently has a bad reputation for the way it does business both here and overseas and for the impact it has on local communities. If they show willing with a few quid they can get a bit of good will back and every little helps.” Tilly, speaking from a champagne bar in Soho added “You know this is the kind of thing that makes Christmas such a special brand-building time of year.”

The plight of those who might not get their expensive Sherry Trifles has touched the hearts of several of the nation’s most famous popstars. Plans for a charity record in aid of those suffering in Darfur have been shelved in favour of a new single entitled ‘Help ourselves to a very merry Christmas’”.

Molly Winsbill, 83, a pensioner in Falkirk said – “I think it is marvellous the way everyone is being forced to pull together to help these people get some toys for the kiddies. I told my MP this morning – I said ‘It’s a ruddy disgrace’ and that’s swearing, I said, ‘that there will be people on Christmas day without a jumbo Christmas cracker to pull.’ He just wanted to talk about Flu jabs and cold weather payments. Nothing about the little kiddies and their games.”

Molly’s daughter Milly was a little less enthusiastic. “I feel for the mums and kids wanting a big slap up feed and a few toys, but they will all be gone and forgotten by New Years Day. I just hope the old people aren’t”.

US Religious right “Throw out the money lenders”

Secret memos from the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee in the USA have revealed a resurgent call from the religious-right to adhere more to biblical teaching. The memo from the head of the Glen-Rivers church Pastor Jesse Billingsworth read:-

"When congress passed the laws restricting Internet gambling we all praised the lord, because gambling is, of course, a sin. Now we want to go further, and rid God’s Country of the filth that resides in Wall Street – The New York Stock Exchange, and its demonic cousin the NASDAQ. Satan has convinced the weak that these are something other, but they are just games of chance, buying low and hoping for a turn in the market is no more than hoping on the turn of a card."

The memo went on to criticise what many see as the basis of US prosperity further. "In reality all of the liberal North East is based upon money lending and usury practices in many forms, most disguised by the great Lucifer. This is one area of fundamentalism we could learn from the unsaved within the Islamic community. However on this we need to tread carefully as our political allies find financial matters far less related to spiritual salvation than our traditional battleground of morality."

The memo was reacted to strongly by politicians. "Frankly," commented Cleet Roscoe, a Republican party worker in South Carolina, "I think we need to distance ourselves from any such religious fundamentalism. Apart from the massive impact it would have directly on political fundraising, it would also obviously damage the economy and our own personal prosperity, and none of us want to follow our beliefs to that extent. From a religious point of view, if we follow scripture so closely, how will we be able to distinguish ourselves from Islamic fundamentalists who view this very area as one of the reasons we are the infidel?"

"No,", he added, "we should stick to bashing the gays and any form of sexual impropriety. After all sex can lead to dancing."

Sinister island cult leader reveals more Lost Secrets

Today the leader of a sinister cult revealed more of his mysterious plans for those trapped on a small island - during what might be the final year of the waning saga. The leader is referred to as ‘Tony’ but this is known to be only a useful reference - sources indicate his true name will be revealed within the next year and Internet blog rumour is that it is ‘Gordon’.

‘Tony’ today spoke to some of the inhabitants from his lair in an old station of the mysterious “New Labour Initiative”.

“This is our island,” explained ‘Tony’ “and we will run it as we see fit. We admit that we were unable to control a recent glut of immigration to our island but now that we have the entire place under CCTV surveillance from our other stations we can see every move of those trapped here. We know exactly what you are up to, but we will only reveal our plans slowly and in vague instalments.” ‘Tony’ continued “When we first came to this island, we were set to have an idyllic future even if we were lost, but now it is filled with fear and paranoia.”

The de-facto leader of the opposition, David, was said to be suffering from flashbacks to a time prior to a big crash in his party’s fortunes and the torment over a woman we know only as ‘Maggie’. David was today interviewed in his home made tent on a white sandy beach.

“I have been trying to lead this group of survivors from the crash of May 2005 for a little while now. We have had to change completely compared to how we used to live. I for one have managed to become quite at one with the environment, and at least outwardly less materialistic then before, ” David explained, “but we are constantly under threat from ‘The Others’ led by ‘Tony’ although we know that their leader will soon be revealed to have another name.”

‘The Others’, who are believed to have taken full control of the island in 1997, constantly try to insist that they are the good guys, despite the terror, fear and murder that takes place on the island and seems to always be as a consequence of their actions.

Motoring group : “Any 4x4 is a better badge than an ASBO”

The 4x4 City Motoring Association has launched a new drive to recruit younger members with the slogan "Any 4x4 is a better badge than an ASBO".

Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth of the association unveiled the new advertising campaign. "It has become apparent that the youth of today see ASBOs as badges of honour which they feel represents a clear statement of anti-social behaviour. We in the 4x4 City Motoring Association feel we can provide an area of development for such young people as we believe nothing says Anti Social like parking a Chelsea Tractor on the kerb of a small road outside a primary school.
"Using a massive 4x4 to get the shopping, or drop a toddler off at the nursery, makes the statement that we do not care about the community whose roads we clutter up nor the natural resources we consume sitting at traffic lights. Young hoodlums, with their tricked-up Vauxhall Novas belting out absurdly loud music are making the same statement.

"We have so much in common. Chavs don’t care about other road users and assume that if they are in an accident that injury ‘Won’t happen to them’ – my members in the 4x4 City Motoring Association know it won’t happen to them, since high bumpers will wipe out normal cars at window height. There is no danger of even the sturdiest side impact protection causing our members’ airbags to even fire off.

"A few of our members already have ridiculous sound systems in their fully loaded Land Rover Discoveries, and will be handing out leaflets to anybody in a hoodie. This will be quite straightforward as these powerful off road vehicles only ever travel between schools and shopping centres anyway."

‘Degs’, 19 from Macclesfield, was one of the first of the new recruits to sign up. "I’ve like taken the ASBO as far as I can, like. Since I’m like banned from more and more areas I have to like travel further an’ I need a big ride to carry ma ho’s in – know what I mean? Like? Makes me look proper gangsta like in the rap videos."

The 4x4 City Motoring Association denied it had any plans to join up with the UK Graffiti Co-operative.

At last something for Teenagers to do

Parents all over Britain have welcomed a new festival aimed at teenagers. Traditionally an untapped demographic they are notoriously difficult to entertain during school holidays. Event organisers hope to be able to tap into this market with "ChavFest ‘06" in time for the next school holidays.

"We have modelled every aspect of ChavFest to be exactly what teenagers are after. Included in the price of the ticket will be transport to the ChavFest site including two train or bus tickets, one for the teenager and one for the seat opposite so that they can put their feet up." explained event co-ordinator "Bigger-T" Linsworth. "There will be specially themed areas at the festival for all the teen’s interests. There will be several war memorials and clock towers for them to congregate around in groups and we will have a few McDonald’s façades too."

Bigger-T went on to elaborate – "We will have a full range of discounted clothes – all sorts of tacky, but expensive, sporting clothing or they can just spend the whole week in their pyjamas, it’s the same style." All shapes and sizes will be catered for, he said, "All the boy’s trousers will be several sizes too large, so that they can have that baggy ‘suicide risk remove belt while in prison’ mugger look they aspire to. For the girls, all the tops will be two sizes too short so they can show their stomach’s off. Especially the fat ones that have no taste or sense."

"Within the park will be characters playing roles such as adults who will be available to purchase alcopops for the kids and will pretend to buy cigarettes. The park will be completely non-smoking but we will have special perfumes available for the girls so that they can have that smell of ten Marlboro lights they so desire."

For music, no live bands will available since the organisers believe that most of the kids would think it was un-cool to be interested in any one band long enough to actually attend a whole set. "Instead there will be areas were they can all play MP3s on their mobile phones" explained Bigger-T – real name Sir Terrence Billingsworth, "Headphones will be banned and the little speakers in the phones will provide suitably bad sound quality that the teens of today seem to like."

The needs of girls especially will be catered for. "Teenage girls today are desperately trying to behave like teenage boys. They dress like them, spit and swear like them, so we will have special female only bus shelters that they can fight and urinate in."

IRA accepts “it cannot compete”

IRA sources today acknowledged that they can no longer compete on the international stage with the better funded players of Association Terror.

A masked spokesman today outlined the IRA’s situation. “Whilst a lot of money has come into terror in the last few years, the funding for our condemnable acts is drying up. Really we have been outflanked by other groups.”

A recent report into the state of murder within the world highlighted that the IRA, once a feared group with not only an international reputation for outrage and atrocity but also an extensive network of fanatical followers in several countries, has now been relegated to minor gangland status.
“We were really outflanked by Al Qaeda, to be sure, their performances have been right at the top level but their chosen targets have made some our of fanatics, especially in America, re-evaluate support for funding brutality. Our traditional base of funding has dried up and, as we haven’t been in Europe for some time, we have lost links with some other groups. We used to have a good transfer relationship with Libya, but that stopped when they reverted to amateur status.”

The report also stated that the IRA, and its junior cells Real IRA and Provisional IRA, would have to qualify for next year’s major international threats on terror – they would not gain the automatic recognition that their craven actions aspire to.

“Ah, I think we overstretched ourselves in the eighties. We had a couple of deplorable crimes against human decency – who can forget the murder we caused in Germany for example? We thought we could keep that up, but our fans don’t turn out for even local gangland murder and torture that we have normally performed – the traditional fans have even condemned us back at home for some recent murders.”
The masked gunman continued “You see, we rely on publicity for our heinous acts otherwise they are futile acts of bloodshed. We need to get on TV to pass responsibility for our own actions onto the victims, otherwise it is just brutal murder of innocent people in the name of some long forgotten feud. To be honest with so much scrutiny in the modern game anyway, it is getting more and more difficult to justify the unjustifiable.”

Analysts say that the status of the IRA is not just about funding. The Irish murderers have now been relegated below even small groups of fundamentalist insurgents in Iraq who achieve much more death, mutilation and suffering on even more limited resources.

When questioned about the activities of such middle eastern groups the hooded religious zealot responded “Well, I guess it is down to commitment, an Irish terrorist will not risk himself, he isn’t that keen on the struggle, but an Islamic fundamentalist, well he really, truly is going to give 100%”.