Sunday, October 08, 2006

Do that and you will go word blind

A recent research paper has identified a link between masturbation and a reduction in secretion of neuro-stimulators in the part of the brain responsible for language development.

Dr John Thomason, reviewing the report, commented "This ground-breaking study finally explains why seemingly intelligent people are often reduced to using bad grammar and forms of poor communication."

It has long puzzled education and medical professionals alike why people who, in every other way, appear to be capable of intelligent conversation suddenly lapse into confusing use of English.

"The problem has been noted in many areas of society, but is especially severe in those areas related to marketing and project management," explained Dr Thomason. "Often their language is made up of bad metaphors and contractions. The study shows that for those who masturbate the most language becomes totally dependent on communicating with people who already know all the detail of the conversation and can make sense of queries such as ‘What is the deal with the budget?’"

In addition to the biological links, the researchers discovered several telltale indicators that indicate the reduction of required neuro-stimulators in the brain, and consequently high level of masturbation. These include phrases such as "a big ask" and "doable"

"Extreme sufferers, actually use English so bad it is more complicated than the message they are trying to get across," says Dr John Thomason. "They will, for example, say things like ‘low hanging fruit’ in place of ‘quick wins’."

The paper’s author, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, has recently returned from a conference in Las Vegas where he announced his findings saying that weeks of gruelling research had been worthwhile.

"It was a big ask. We wanted to know what the deal was with the you know, lack of pretty word speak, and fortunately I was able to touch base with some of the best blue-sky thinkers in, like, the world, you know?" he tried to tell us. "We were able to synergise a shrink wrapped solution. No longer do we have to ask ‘What’s the deal with the you know, problem’. It was just there, like low hanging fruit really."

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