Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Tube “drivers” Announce Plans To Strike In The Face Anyone Seen Smiling In London

ASLEF, the union that represents a broad spectrum of London Underground employees who spend all day sitting and pushing a button, have announced that its members have voted to strike anyone found in London on their day off squarely in the face.

“Our members, who sit in the train cab and push the button to close the doors and instruct the train to drive itself to the next station, cannot risk being distracted by people smiling in London. This normally isn't a problem – who does smile on the Tube anyway?” said Keith Billingsworth, a representative of the supposed Train Drivers. “But they might smile on a day off, like a Bank Holiday. The smiling happy bastards. And our London Transport staff simply can't cope with that and will of course strike.”

ASLEF has said that the immediate reaction of any Transport for London staff member, when faced with a commuter with a smile on their face, would be forced to punch them sharply on the nose.

“Now, if our members are not to have to give up the opportunity of punching their passengers then they need to be compensated by receiving triple pay and a day off to recover from seeing an unpunched smile,” said Billingsworth. “They also need the day off to count all their cash.”

ASLEF was quick to point out that it wasn't a purely financial decision that has compelled them to threaten to resort to customer-striking unless they received quadruple benefits for working one day, it was the heavy burden of responsibility that they deal with on a daily basis.

“The person driving the train is probably one of the highest paid people on it, earning more than you because, unlike you and the pathetic reason you are on the train, he has a very important job to do,” extolled Billingsworth. “The Senior Train Drivers press two buttons – the one that makes the computer drive the train and the one that swaps the set of automated announcements to 'Tourist Mode' which tells people where the landmarks are. That is two buttons for a starting salary of barely over £40k. You compare that to your job - it really is a smack in the face.”

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